Disclaimer: D. Grey Man and any of its characters do not belong to me.
I scream of fear.
I have seen many things, been so many fakes, worn so many masks that I have lost count and forgotten who I am. I have killed so many, saved so little, known millions and been friends with few. I have traveled across the lands, I have discovered many secrets, revealed riddles hidden by time and made my own.
I have so many names as there are stars in the sky. I have so many characters that they seem to tear me from the inside, break me apart, and lead me to madness and despair that follows soon after. I live my life as a fake, the real me is long since gone. I have no name, no face, no country or place to call home. I am a fake, a shadow that changes with each breath of the wind.
I have been with so many people. I have touched and felt their warmth for so many times. I have felt their fingers on me, their hot breath crawling on my skin, their nails tearing, teeth biting and scaring. There have been those that gave themselves to me, almost begged me to hold them, those that forced me, those that wanted nothing more than to kill me. So many I have lost count.
But none of them were like you. You were warm, forgiving, and gentle. You gave yourself up to me, but not to the point where you forgot your own soul. You loved me, you found me, and you cared for me. You waited, you smiled, you forgave. Your warmth was calming, soothing. Your warmth was different. I crave it, need it, want it. I would beg if I could, kill for it and even conquer for you to present your smile for me. But I know I do not need to do that. I know that you do not want it.
You want me.
And I want you.
And that is why I can die, for you. I can give my life away to save you, just you. I can hold a smile while I die because it is for you. Because I know that my death will not be worthless, thrown away simply for the world. No, it will be given to save you, to save your smile and to ensure that you will be. So do not cry my beloved. Do not cry - your tears are too precious, too important. Do not cry; smile for I am happy like this.
I was blessed to be able to find you. Blessed to have known you. Blessed to have had you beside me, holding my hand in my moments of insanity and darkness and calming my broken soul.
So do not cry, Allen. For I die for you.
…
Lavi breathes heavily, his hot breath painting white pictures against the wintry sky, marking it as his before fading away. He was so cold, so very, very cold. Just like the hard earth under his back, slowly being colored red by his blood.
Even in the middle of all this horror, this war, this misery that slowly crept into the destruction around him, he still managed to smile a little. A small sigh escaped past his lips, disappearing into the numbing noise of the fights around him, screams and yells and taunts and the clash of metal. It was a small sigh, a sigh of content. A sigh that showed that Lavi was ok with what was coming next; he awaited his death with open arms and a warm smile on his lips.
Death was an old friend, he had once been told by someone far older and smarter.
This wasn't a bad way to go. He had done everything he could, fought until the end and felt his blood pump with adrenalin that he had never felt before. For the first time in a while he had managed to feel alive when fighting. Something about putting your life on the line just had that… pull. And now here he was – bleeding and slowly fading away.
But it was ok like this, Lavi managed a small laugh. It was ok, really. If Allen had a few less akumas to haunt him, a few less monsters whose souls called out to him, it was ok. Lavi had long since stopped fighting for the Order, people or any other reason that someone might come up with. He fought for Allen, for that innocent smile on his lips and for that laugh, filled with childish joy.
"Allen… here…" Lavi called out, knowing that the white-haired boy won't be able to hear him over the war going on without them.
But Lavi had heard Allen call, so maybe he would be heard too. Besides, Allen always heard him. Even if he wasn't talking, even if he was just thinking about the boy – Allen heard. It was a little creepy at times, but Lavi didn't complain. He wasn't all that better himself, truth be told.
But maybe it would be better if Allen didn't find him yet? He would hate to go with Allen's tear-stained face as the last thing he saw. Lavi wanted to remember his lover smiling and laughing, pouting as he was teased and determined in the middle of a fight. No crying, never crying.
So he didn't respond anymore. Just looked at the dark sky above him and tried to breathe. Tried to ignore the patch of dark red that got bigger underneath him. His hands could still feel, so he could tell. Lavi was smart, exceptionally so, and he could tell that there wasn't much time left. Not for him. But he wasn't sad, wasn't angry, and wasn't depressed.
It was all for a bigger cause, all for a better future. For Allen.
His vision became blurry around the edges and it was hard to keep his eyes open any longer. His eyelids were heavy now, like something was weighting them down. It was easier to simply obey the need to close his eyes and sleep. It would be less painful, Lavi noted to himself. He could go while remembering Allen's smile, Kanda's angry face, all the good things his Gramps did for him, the way Lenalee welcomed them home with a hug… He remembered everything and smiled.
This was a good way to go, yeah.
A/N: Mhm… yeah. It was supposed to continue where Lavi woke up at a hospital and Allen was by his side and crying, but then I decided to leave it like this, where he dies. Call me evil, if you must.
Ayingott out.