Disclaimer: None of this stuff is mine according to my local politians
The Killer Furby of Doom
One day when Wrath was on the computer going through Envy's secret files and internet history, he stumbled upon something that stood out from the rest. That's right – it wasn't just the usual scarily indecent photos; it was an ultimately destructive death weapon! Being up for sale on eBay, Wrath decided to "borrow" Dante's credit card and buy it.
"Has it come yet? Has it come yet?" he asked Greed.
"Say what?"
"My package! My package!"
"Yeah – it's the one with the red roof abouuuut…three blocks down? Wake me up when they start marching," Greed slurred.
He was obviously too wasted to understand. Well, either that or his hearing had just been impaired due to him selling vital organs to aliens in exchange for intergalactic knowledge. Yeah – that must have been the one.
Going to check for himself, Wrath discovered that it had come. He took it up to his room and tore off the wrapping with glee (whoever that was) only to discover…a fluffy pink Furby. "Nooo," cried Wrath, who had been expecting something more big, metal-like and scary.
"I LOVE YOU!" it said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" On second thoughts, maybe this was actually scarier.
-Meanwhile, at Central-
"Oh boy – my package!" said Roy, for the third time since he'd taken the package into his office to open but had just sat there and stared blankly.
"Just open it already!" yelled Riza.
"Hmmm, good thinking!" Roy said, and tore it open. "Awwwww! An ultimately destructive death weapon? WHERE'S MY ADORABLE-" It was then that Roy realised that Riza was still in the room, "uhhh, my adorable…new tie…" Once she left though, he slouched in his chair and sighed. "This is the worst Australia Day ever…"
-And back to Wrath!-
"Envy help!" cried Wrath, running up to the elder sin and clinging onto his arm.
"Don't tell me you've dropped your Action Man doll in the toilet again!" yelled Envy.
"No it's much worse! It's – it's!"
"You dropped MY Action Man doll in the toilet again?" yelled Envy even louder.
"Lets Play!" said the Furby, slowly walking in through the door.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! So…happy…so…joyful…I CAN'T TAKE IT!" screamed Envy, whereby he and Wrath climbed on top of the wardrobe.
"Don't hide from me, you're my best friend!" said the Furby, still approaching.
"I don't want to alarm you Wrath…well, come to think of it, yes I do, but the point is, either everyone is scared of these things so that was just a programmed response or it can actually see us!"
"I wouldn't be surprised if everyone was scared of them…"
"I can SEE you!" laughed the Furby.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried both sins.
There wasn't much time – they had to come up with a plan but that would involve thinking, which really wasn't either of their strong points. It might even involve doing, which they were no good at either! In fact, the only things they were good at were burning pop-tarts and playing Tekken when it was set on Beginner mode.
"I'm coming to get you," said the Furby, activating its suction boots and beginning to walk up the side of the wardrobe.
"We must defeat it! If it gets loose it'll kill every man, woman, child, man, woman, man, man, child, woman – "
Wrath slapped him.
" -and child that it sees! GAH - Take this!" yelled Envy, throwing down everything he could find including a family of imported weasels and a stack of Greenday posters.
Wrath was confused. "Where on Earth did you get those?"
"They were up here – this is Sloth's room after all."
"O…kay…but hey – look!" Wrath pointed at their small and fluffy tormentor, which having been knocked over, couldn't get back up again.
"No! Curse you Billie! Curse you cheap manufacturing companies!" it said, while struggling to regain an upright position.
At that very moment in a faraway place, Edward, who was wearing a Greenday badge and had just taken up some part-time work at a manufacturing company, felt a sharp pain in his heart, and a tear came to his eye.
"Quick!" cried Envy, "Let's make a run for it!" And so they did. They thought about warning the others, but then decided against it. 'This'll teach them not to mock my Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper…' Envy thought to himself.
By the time they had run all the way to the post office, Wrath had come up with an idea. "I, Wrath, have come up with an idea," said Wrath.
"I'm happy for you," said Envy, rolling his eyes. "Now wait here while I post this letter."
"But you don't have a letter…"
Envy double-checked his hand to see if what the boy had said was indeed truth. "…It seems I have underestimated you, 'Wrath' – if that is your real name!" said Envy, accusingly.
Wrath sighed.
"So what's your idea?" Envy asked.
"Well, the truth is that I ordered something…so when the Furby came I thought that …what I had ordered had come and opened it so we should check with the post office to tell them that I got the wrong thing sent to me and what I was supposed to get was…OH! I'M SORRY ENVY! What I was supposed to get was the ultimately destructive death weapon I saw on your computer!"
"Wow – I was just looking one of those up on my computer myself!" said Envy. "What are the odds of that?"
"Umm…yeah…some coincidence, huh?"
"Wait a second…coincidence? YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT MY STUFF! I' LL KILL YOU!"
"But I was only trying to find you the perfect Australia Day present!" Wrath protested.
"…Really? Even though Australia Day isn't a holiday where you get presents and we don't even live ANYWHERE NEAR Australia?"
"…Yes?"
"Awwww! In that case I'll let it slip. So lets go tell the post office about our situation!" said Envy, leading the way.
"Uh, Envy? That's a toy store…"
Envy walked back out. "Why so it is…how…careless of me," he said, trying to hide his disappointment at not being able to get a closer look at the light-up Sailor Moon wand he had seen in the window.
"Excuse me," said Wrath when they got to the front of the line at the post office, "I think you sent me the wrong package – I ordered an ultimately destructive death weapon and-" The man he was talking too started looking at him suspiciously at that point. "What? It was an Australia Day present!"
"It was?" said the man.
"It WAS?" said everyone else in the post office.
Wrath and Envy were confused.
"Well in that case…" said the manager, who appeared beside them.
"A very merry Australia Day, to you!" sang everyone in the building.
"To us?" asked Wrath and Envy.
"To you!" confirmed the manager.
"A very merry Australia Day, to you!" sang everyone in the building again.
"To us?" asked Wrath and Envy.
"To you!" confirmed the trainee.
"Now blow the candles out my dears and make your wish come true!" said the manager, presenting a giant cake.
"But we just want to know what happened to our package!" Envy yelled.
"A verrrrrry merry Australia Day, tooo-oooo yooooouuuu!" they all sang, and kicked Wrath and Envy out the door.
"That was too Wonderland for my liking…" muttered Envy.
"Now how are we supposed to stop the Furby?" asked Wrath.
Someone suddenly grabbed them both by the shoulders. "Did you say FURBY?" he asked.
They turned to see who it was. "Roy?"
"Liars!" Roy yelled, "You didn't say 'Roy', you said 'Furby'! I heard you with my own face!"
"Uhh, of course you did, but what's it to you?" asked Envy, looking concerned because firstly he was, and secondly because he thought the pose made him look cool.
"I'm the one who ordered that Furby – and all I got was this ultimately destructive death weapon!" Roy sobbed, showing them.
"…Roy? That's a tin of butter cookies," said Wrath.
"THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK! But you'll see, you'll ALL see!" he screamed.
"…"
"…"
"…Are you done?" asked Envy.
"Yes. Sorry about that. But anyway – that's MY Furby!"
"Revenge – REVENGE!" said the Furby, as it finally caught up with them.
"Go ahead and take it, you'd be doing us a favour!" said Wrath.
"GASP!" gasped Roy.
"What?" asked Envy and Wrath.
"That's no Furby…that's an ultimately destructive death weapon!"
"You really need to get over your whole 'calling-everything-a-death-weapon' phase…" said Envy.
"L-l-l-look behind you!" whimpered Roy, pointing at the Furby which Envy now had his back to.
Envy sighed. "Do you really think I'm going to fall for that?" All the while the Furby was suddenly getting bigger and bigger and started growing machinegun-like appendages.
"R-really!" yelled Roy, "don't you watch TV? This always happens and by the time you finally turn around it'll be too late!"
"…In that case I won't turn around at all."
"Damn," said the Killer Furby of Doom, "if he doesn't turn around I can't obliterate him – that's the rules of horror movies!"
Wrath raised his hand, "But this isn't a horror movie; this is an Australia Day fic!"
"Damn," the Furby continued, "those same rules apply for all obscure holiday fics…"
"Hey! Australia Day isn't an obscu-"
Roy covered Wrath's mouth before he made the situation any worse.
"What do we do now?" asked Envy, "I can't stay turned around forever – I'm just too beautiful for that!"
"Perhaps I can help…" came the voice of a stranger.
"You stupid author!" said Roy, "That was obviously Ed's voice."
Ed took the spotlight (well, Wrath shone a mini-torch on him) and took a good look at the Furby, assessing the predicament. "I can handle this," he said, "I'm from the 'Trouble-shooting hotline' of a cheap manufacturing company!"
"But those hotlines NEVER actually help!" said Envy.
"Fear not, pitiful humans," said Ed, "for I have the brain of an ox and the reflexes of a spotted-necked turtle dove!"
"Well isn't that just fantastic," Wrath sighed, "and you're the human you idiot!"
"That's for the courts to decide," said Ed, "but as for now – TAKE THIS!" He charged up and head butted the Killer Furby of Doom but only managed to knock himself out. "I like to dance…WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DANCE?" he drooled, semi-conscious.
Envy however, was able to take the opportunity to turn around while it was distracted. "I've had just about enough of you – now behold my wrath!" he yelled – pointing at Wrath, "Available in three colours, batteries not included, each sold separately."
"Me and Greed used to come in a set!" said Wrath.
"Greed and I," corrected Envy.
"Sorry Envy."
"That's okay – NOW AS FOR YOU! Envy Tiara Magic!" he yelled and flung his headband at the creature.
"AHHHH! NYLON!" the Furby screeched, beginning to melt. They had defeated it once and for all, in a cheap but unpredictable ending – really? Have you ever seen Nylon defeat a giant Furby before? You have? Darn…
"So I guess the Furby was the ultimately destructive death weapon after all," said Wrath, as they all walked home.
"And…I can't believe it! The Furby that I ordered was inside this tin of butter cookies all along!" said Roy.
"Well I hope you've all learnt your lesson," said Ed, who had only just recovered from his concussion, "and discovered that the true meaning of Australia Day is not about ultimately destructive death weapons and barbeques – it's about never underestimating tins of butter cookies…and barbeques."
Envy smiled a smile of relief. "And I wouldn't have it any other way…except maybe with pirates or something."
"Wouldn't we all, Envy? Wouldn't we all?" asked Greed.
"…how did you get here?" the others asked.
"I think the more pertinent question is 'how didn't I?"
"……Right……well, Happy Australia Day to all, and to all a good night! Hohoho!" laughed Roy.
"STOP MIXING UP HOLIDAYS!"