Disclaimers: We all know they aren't mine.
Author's note: This is a piece I wrote for Leo, everyone else seemed to be doing one. But honestly I haven't read any, so I don't know if this is rehashing what someone else has already done. There might be a sequel, if I ever get around to writing it. Thanks to my fearless beta Damom, you rock and you know it! Feedback is always welcomed and loved.
He sat in his darkened house, alone. In his right hand, a half empty glass of scotch, in his is left hand, he held his heart. Not literally, but still he feels hollow. While his body was relaxing in his well worn leather chair, his mind races; too many thoughts at once and they are starting to bottleneck.
How the hell is he supposed to go to work tomorrow?
What is the fate of the campaign?
How did everyone stray far? Why is it so strained when we see each other?
How was it that Sam was able to settle down? Was it because he left the iron grips of the White House?
How is Matt doing right now?
How is she doing right now?
Mostly though, two thoughts remained supreme in his mind. He recalled the last time he sat in this chair, feeling the way he is now, with a glass of scotch in his hand. Last time he punched his hand though the window. He stared at the replacement window and contemplated the fact that it didn't match the other windows in his house. This one is newer and keeps the hot air in. A part of him wanted to replace all the windows. However, if he did that, the visual reminder of the lowest time in his life would be gone from his house. The scar on his hand is a reminder that follows him, making sure he never returns to the dark place he once lived.
The other thought which lingered in his mind is the real reason he's drinking alone in the dark. "I killed Leo."
He didn't want to be alone, not tonight. However, he wasn't strong enough to pick up the phone, to reach out and ask for the help he so desperately needed. He was too weak to ask for forgiveness.
The noise of the front door unlocking surprised him, but not enough to turn around. Deep down he wished she would come. For a flicker of an instant he thought for sure she would. But honestly, it was hope not knowledge.
He heard her footsteps in the hallway. He held his breath as she called out his name, not too loud or too quiet. It was the perfect tone for the mood and silence of his house. The question is, was he brave enough to call back to her? His mouth opened, he watched her in the reflection of the window as she peered into the different rooms.
"Josh?" Her hand gently rests on the back of the chair.
He's not sure if he should feel angry or playful. In fact, he isn't too sure how to respond.
"You just barged in here? You didn't call or knock; I could have been naked, Donna."
She gives a scornful laugh, "I'm not that lucky."
If it had been any other day, he would have continued the banter, but he didn't. Instead, he swished the liquid around in his glass, heard the ice clink on the crystal and listened to her breath. She reached down and took the glass out of his hand, took one gulp and pranced off to the kitchen.
"Um, where are you going with my 20 year old scotch?"
"I'm dumping it down the sink and making coffee." He wanted to jump out of his chair and stop her from dropping his alcohol down the drain. Too late! He heard the ice crash into the sink. He heard the refrigerator door open and her mutter something about he him having half and half. He wanted to call back that it was because milk goes bad too fast, but he didn't.
He sat, watching her in the reflection of his new window and listening to her clamor in the kitchen. He wanted to ask her what she was doing here, but he already knew the answer or at least he hoped he knew. "It's all my fault," he mutters. He didn't think she heard him. He was wrong.
"Oh, for the love of God, Joshua!"
"Well, it is!" He attempted to defend himself. "I got Leo into to this. I put extra pressure on his heart. It was me!"
"Yes Josh, it was ALL your fault." Donna threw her arms up in the air. "It is your fault Joanie died." Josh's heart clenched as Donna continued her rant, "your fault you dad got cancer, your fault you weren't there when he died." These were old scars on his soul, and he hated her for bringing them up so freely.
"Hey, wasn't it you who introduced Charlie and Zoey? So, by default, wasn't it your fault the President got shot? Or the secret government tax plan you invented and embarrassed the White House? Hey, didn't you give the President MS? I'm pretty sure you were the one who told Mrs. Landingham to pick up her car that night and get killed by a drunk driver. Your fault that Simon got shot and that we missed the motorcade. Sam lost the election because you weren't there to support him, like he would have for you. You turned a Democrat into a Republican and caused a government shut-down." She opened the cupboard and pull out two coffee mugs.
See, now she was just being ridiculous. Although a giant invisible hand began to crush Josh's mind, heart and soul when she uttered the next phrase. "You sent me to Gaza and put a bomb in my car." He was hoping for a respite, but her assault kept getting worse as the accusations focused on recent events. "You gave Leo his first heart attack and left him in the woods. You crashed an SUV into a hybrid car. You made me leave the White House. You abandoned your friends to get a dark horse elected. You didn't hire me when I lost. You made Toby leak information to the press. You made a nuclear reactor melt down. And yes, Josh you killed Leo! Hell, while we're at it, it's your fault Hitler didn't get into art school too. My God, you've been busy." Her voice grew louder with every sentence.
She poured the now brewed coffee into the mugs, along with the necessary amount of half and half and sugar. She sighed and became quieter "Does it help to hear the words coming from someone else's mouth?"
Josh looked up at her, "You're doing a terrible job of making me feel better. I seem to recall you being better at this in the past."
She smirked as she brought the mugs to the table. She placed them on the coffee table, just out of his reach. His lips turned up at the corner's a little, recognizing what she's doing… she is bringing him coffee, but she would only go half way. If he wanted it, he would have to get up and join her on the couch. It was her olive branch, sort of. He forgot how sneaky she could be at times.
He didn't move, but watched the steam rise from the mugs. Her voice soothed all his open emotional wounds. "Josh, you only get two… two things to blame yourself for and Leo can't be one of them. You pick your two and we'll talk about them." She sipped at the coffee.
He didn't speak at first, "Well one thing's for damn sure, Hitler isn't my fault."
A small noise, much like laughter, left her lips and Josh's stomach flipped. "Yeah, I threw that one in there as a red herring."
The aroma slowly wafted toward him. She was physically close and a part of him wasn't sure if this would be the last time. He couldn't risk it. He reached for the cup as he approached her. She made more room for him on the couch. "Only two, huh?"
"Yep, everything else you have to let go of."
"But I really did do a lot of those things." He shook his head.
"Yes, but everyone has forgiven you; everyone but you. So, pick."
He tapped the edge of the mug and before taking his first sip, "I guess I'll take the secret Government tax plan."
Donna raised her eyebrow, "Really? I would have thought that you would take the shut down. Hmm, ok. What's next?"
Josh stared into his cup, transfixed by the reflection it provided. It was him, but he seemed to be swirling around. A part of him felt he was seeing a metaphor, but he was too tired to think about it.
He knew what the other choice had to be because he could never forgive himself for it. He swallowed, "Gaza. I pick Gaza."
Her eyes grew wide at first and then they shrunk back to normal size. It was so Josh; she should have predicted it. She whispered softly, "Gaza wasn't your fault."
His voice was hoarse. "Maybe, maybe not, but that's when everything changed between us." She sat silently, trying to understand his implications. She wanted to speak, but the lump in her throat hindered the flow of words.
Josh continued, "I sent you to Gaza because you were mad at me and I didn't want to lose you." He laughs with disgust, "Look at what good that did! You met a new boyfriend, your car blew up with you in it, and you survived and still left me."
She wanted to tell him Colin was supposed to be a one night stand. She never expected to see him again. "I never blamed you." She placed her hand on his arm. Her voice was calm and sweet, "not once."
He couldn't believe her just yet, as much as he wanted to. "Do you know why I left the White House, Donna? You haunted it. I couldn't look anywhere without seeing you, recalling our many banters. Your smile, your laugh, lingered in the halls long after you left. It was choking me and I had to leave. So I found Santos, convinced him to run, helped him get the nomination, and lassoed Leo into it along the way." He sighed deeply and placed the lukewarm coffee down.
She nudged his shoulder, "Are you saying it's my fault Leo passed away?"
Resting his head on hers, "Nah, it was way more mine than yours."
She wanted to smile, but didn't. Josh needed to know the truth and speaking it would be the hardest event of her life. "It wasn't Gaza. We were broken before I left. I like to think of it as 'Amy's Second Attack.'" Josh's face was filled with confusion. How could someone as insignificant as Amy could ruin something as special as his relationship with Donna?
Her voice was quiet, but steady, "She asked me how I felt about you. I didn't answer, but my silences were loud enough for her to figure it out. She knew and she still came crawling back to you."
Josh pulled Donna closer to him, "She's a sneaky bitch like that. She asked me the same question." She looked up at his face, which suddenly became unreadable as he spoke "I lied to her, and she knew it."
For a long time neither spoke. There was a comfort in their silence; a knowledge that words didn't need to be spoken.
The coffee turned ice cold. They listened to the clock tick, the faucet drip and the beating of each other's heart. Donna spoke first. "CNN is doing a retrospective of Leo's life; do you want to watch it?"
"They won't do him justice." Josh whispered, as she nodded in agreement. He shifted his shoulder around, letting her rest her head on his chest. His shoulder had been bothering him since the funeral. He thought he might have pulled it lifting and carrying the casket. He didn't tell Donna that, though. He bore his discomfort and let her warmth loosen the muscles.
He cleared his throat and said, "I feel like I let him down."
"That's ridiculous, Josh; he was very proud of you."
"No. After his first heart attack, I went to visit him when I knew he was out of the hospital and out of danger. Leo apologized for passing me over for the Chief of Staff position. I told him not to worry about it because I understood why he made the decision. But, the truth is, Donna, while I really care about CJ, her promotion stung me. I think Leo knew how I felt. He told me that there was more to life than just a career and I should start to get my priorities in order."
The funny thing was, though, he had already started to get things in order. He had made a rather large purchase a few weeks prior, but never had the opportunity to use it. Everything changed. An asteroid was barreling towards the planet and Donna left.
She understood him. A part of her knew that she didn't have to say the next words, but it was something they both needed to hear. "I'm sorry I wasn't with you during the campaign; it hurts to think you needed me and I couldn't help. But I'll never be sorry I quit." His grip tightened a little on her arm, almost as though he was begging her to stop. "I wanted more. I wanted more from my job and…" her voice became quiet, "more from you. I was never going to get that if I continued as your assistant. I had to go." It surprised her that her voice was a strong and confident as it was. She practiced this speech many times in her mind and each time felt like weeping.
His voice remained just as quiet. "I know. But you should know that I realized how important you were long before you left."
Donna didn't want to continue the conversation; not tonight. They needed to have the "talk" and it needed to be done soon, but now didn't seem appropriate. Or at least that's what she assumed. She reverted back to the old stand by they relied on when they were out of their comfort zone, misdirection. But she swore that it would be the last time.
"When you're Chief of Staff, are you going to initiate the Big Block of Cheese Day?"
Yeah, I think I will, but you'll have to remind me sometimes. If the President can't do it, well I guess the Chief of Staff for the First Lady will have to." His arm drops a little, snaking around her arm and intertwining their fingers.
Josh smiled, "Do you think we still have a chance?"
"I think Vinick will back off. It isn't dignified to attack people who are in mourning. We'll win with the sympathy vote, as sad and disgusting as that is." She admits darkly.
He knew she was right. The thought had crossed his mind about ten minutes after he learned Leo had died. It was his guilt over having those thoughts that had been bothering him most of the day. She moved closer to him; her hand is on his chest while his wraps around her waist.
A small yawn left Donna's lips. Josh's voice lightened, "you getting tired? You want to go home?"
She shook her head. "No, I have no intentions of leaving. I came here tonight because I didn't want to be alone. If I left it would sort of defeat the purpose, right?"
"Good. I didn't really want you to leave. But I have to warn you, Donna, if you plan on seducing me, it won't work. Not tonight at least."
She laughs a little, "I never even considered it."
He pretended to sound offended, "Why not, I'm so cute?"
"Not tonight, but maybe some other night," she said. She looked up at him, his face so close to hers. They knew that if they started something, they would have to finish it and again it didn't seem right tonight. Instead, she pulled her eyes away from his gaze and put her head back on his chest.
They spent the rest of the night talking about Leo, the President and the times they both considered to be magical in the White House. Happier times, before their friends split apart. At around 2AM Josh lead her to bed, and true to his word, they slept.
In the morning, his shoulder was still throbbing as he walked her to the door. He thanked her for staying and she thanked him for allowing her to share the pain of losing Leo. He brushed her hair from her shoulder. He offered to let her stay tonight, if she needed it. She shook her head, "the first night's the hardest."
He understood. She lingers a little longer, waiting. Waiting. "Donna, you know how I feel right?"
"I have an idea" she smiles.
"I know you've waited far too long, but if you can give me until Wednesday after the election, I'll woo you."
"Woo me?"
"Yeah, I'll woo the pants off of you."
"Isn't that the goal of all wooing?" She smiles.
He became serious, "please just one more week, win or lose on Wednesday, I'll start to woo."
"I've waited eight years, what's one more week?" They embraced one last time before she left.
The morning is colder than he expected; the world is missing one person. But the rising sun and its light filled his house and gave him a hope for a future; a future he thought would be forever lost to him.