Fear is an emotion, so powerful, that it could destroy all life. Fear has the ability to consume ones mind and invade all free thinking space. Fear can affect ones stability, fear can strengthen. But, above all, fear can kill.

James watched, pen and paper in hand, as the leaves swirled in the Autumn wind, being swept away from where they originally lay. He wished, sometimes, that he would be swept away like that. It wouldn't matter where, or why. He just wanted something to happen, anything. All he wanted was to be free. But he knew that that was never going to happen; it was literally impossible.

Since, he wanted to be free from himself.

Through the eyes of everyone else, James Diamond was perfect. He was handsome, confident, the reason behind 'Big Time Rush'. It never occurred to anybody that there was ever anything wrong. They said that he oozed confidence and shone like no other. They were wrong. Because, none of those people knew what was going on in his head, what thoughts were running through his mind day in, day out.

James Diamond was insecure, beyond belief. He'd spend an unnecessary amount of time in the morning staring at himself in the mirror, not liking what he was seeing. He'd never told anyone that he purged after almost-every meal. He'd never told anyone that he hated the way his face looked. After having spent three years drilling into his head that he wasn't good enough; he finally believed it. Everyday, he told himself that he was ugly and that nobody would ever love him.

He knew that there was something wrong with him, but he didn't want to give it a name.

James didn't know how to feel when Miss Colins had assigned them their essay topic. He didn't want to think about it. So, he just wrote.

My Biggest Fear.

I know you're all expecting something like spiders, snakes or small spaces. Sorry to disappoint; my fear is different. My biggest fear is myself.

I hate being left alone in my own mind, I cannot help the thoughts that I think when there is nothing around to distract me. I hate that I have no self control when it comes to that sort of thing. Sadly, I just couldn't find it in me to tell someone. I'm pretty good at keeping things secret, if I do say so myself.

I am not happy with myself. The way I look. My personality. Just everything. I have thought endlessly about simply running away to isolation where nobody would have the displeasure of looking at me.

My whole life has been taken over by these tiny little insecurities that have escalated quickly. I feel as if I'm dying slowly on the inside.

No, scratch that; I'm already dead.

Great drops fell from his eyes; the heavy rain clouds in his mind let loose their turbulent nature. The stray droplets fell to the paper in his hands before he wiped the remaining ones from his cheek. Mind set, he continued:

Before anyone asks, no I have not self-harmed. It never seemed necessary for me. I have nothing I can do to numb the pain.

So, at night, I lay there in the darkness and the still and I think. I think about all of my flaws, outlining them to extreme extents. I think about how nobody would miss me if I left. I think about all of the people that are lucky enough to have normal, happy lives and how mine isn't. But then my mind takes a turn and I begin to think about how selfish I am for all of these thoughts. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and an amazing job. Yet, I'm still not happy. There are millions and millions of people in the world that have it worse than me, yet here I am wallowing in my own self pity.

But, the thing is, I can't help it, no matter how much I would like to. If I was in control, I'd be telling myself that it's all silly lies and that I need to get a grip, but, that's just it. I'm not in control. It's as if there's another James, stuck in my head. He's the one that's feeding me all of this, telling me I'm not good enough. And, it's taken a while, but I believe him now. I've finally realized that, he's right.

Having said all of this, my fear has changed. I now fear myself, and the thoughts of others; the others who have listened to this.

I now fear people judging me.

James Diamond.

You like? I don't know where this tumbled out from. But, I would appreciate reviews.

~Insanity ;)