Disclaimer: Meyer owns the characters and anything familiar, everything else is mine. I would also like to thank my beta reader. This is my first story so constructive criticism is welcomed!

I couldn't help but stare at the ceiling while laying on the bed, doing the most mundane yet miniscule thing I could think of. I, Bella Sw-Cullen, was counting the tiles on the ceiling and the specks on each one….

Out. Of. Boredom.

My mind had emphasized each word for me in its own bold print.

I'm not even sure when it first started, the moment where being a vampire just didn't seem worth it. Perhaps it was sometime after the bliss was gone. Or maybe during a quiet moment with my husband when I couldn't think of one thing to talk about.

Not one thing.

I had everything that I wanted, how hard could it be to just start a conversation? When did it become so hard? Jake and I…

I couldn't go there because I already knew where that road would lead. Another fight. Another argument. Another look that says "I told you so by your ex best friend" My mind loved to remind me of that. What I wouldn't give for just a few moments to close my eyes, sleep and have the thoughts disappear just for a little while. I honestly missed just sleeping. Regardless of how soft the sheets were – be it designed in some fancy country by a designer whose name I couldn't pronounce yet - Edward told me in a few centuries it wouldn't matter anyway.

I don't know why that bothered me. Forever seemed perfect but now…

Now what?

Maybe it was the boredom over the fact that there was a subject that I had to retake in school where they had miscalculated. Edward wanted to sue and Alice wanted to come up with some elaborate scheme. She said she even saw it working but seeing as though I would one day have to repeat classes anyway, I thought I might as well get started and actually do it.

Why didn't anyone tell me just how boring it is? I knew this. I knew that. What was the point I was making again? And I would honestly have to start high school over again?

Doesn't sound so great now does it? My mind asked, to which I inwardly growled. Between Jake's and Rose's looks of I told you so, that was enough without my mind agreeing with me too.

"Might as well get up..." I couldn't help the unnecessary sigh. I was beyond frustrated, just because I couldn't sleep and now, at the mirror, I wasn't even impressed at what I was looking at anymore.

I was perfect. No brush needed, no bath, no real need to get ready. My brown curls were framing my face perfectly as though I never laid down at all. No makeup needed nor any touching up was required. I was perfect. A year ago, this still amazed me. Now, it just reminded me of all the things I gave up and the little things that I wouldn't mind doing.

So what did I do?

I brushed my teeth.

"Love…what are you doing?"

I could hear the tone in Edward's voice before he was even close to me, before that velvet tone would have me melting. Now it was just a voice.

Unlike Jake's who still has an effect on you, my mind spoke out, making me brush my teeth harder as though I could wipe it all away. The venom included.

"Brushing my teeth" I spit out the toothpaste and ignored the sick feeling from the slight bit of paste that I swallowed.

"Bella you realize that is not needed and you may make yourself sick."

It was hard but I held back the comeback that was forming, as I clenched my teeth together. I tried to wash my mouth out with water, which only made it worse, but still I stood tall ….or as tall as I could at my small height to stare back at my husband.

This seemed to be the norm for us now. Me trying to do or hold on to those little things that made me human or at least feel that way again. Him reminding me that I couldn't. Even with the truth behind his words, I still wanted to rebel. Yet my body made the choice for me quickly and on Edward's shoes.

"Edward..." I was about to apologize as the smell of vomit made me cover my nose and mouth.

"I tell you these things for your own good Bella", he interrupted which made me go quiet instantly. He went to change and clean up as I watched while saying nothing at all. I know he was taking my quiet as me giving up on the subject, but inside I was seething.

I'M A VAMPIRE NOW! I wanted to scream at him while also reminding him that I was now on his level and his equal. Yet, I also wanted to scream at him that he didn't need to protect me from myself anymore or whatever other ideas he had in his mind. But I was trying to pick and choose our battles, we already been having them a lot lately.

Perhaps it was bad that now his mouth was moving and I was honestly tuning it all out in favor of imagining him being thrown out of a window by my self. A bit overboard but at the moment, I honestly cared less.

"Bella are you listening?"

"Hmm?" Okay so maybe tuning out was not the best option to do. "Of course Edward." Funny that I agreed with no clue to what I was agreeing to, but it was one less argument to have.

I gave him a smile, and he rewarded me with a kiss. I honestly felt as though it was a reward more than anything, because he looked way too pleased at my answer. It was nothing but perfect and I honestly hated it now.

"So will you be going now?" he asked while looking as though he was about to leave.

What is he talking about? I was trying hard to hide the look of confusion on my face. Over the years, either I become a better liar or Edward still had trouble figuring me out. I wanted to believe it was the first one more than the other.

My mind started up again. Why? Because Jake would have known and called you out on it?

I tried to inwardly growl but I must have given off my frustration because Edward looked perplexed a moment then as though he understood my issue. Did he? That was a fear of mine and another reason I didn't dare lift my shield.

"I know things have been strained between you and Jake."

Oh God…where was he going with this? What in all that is crunchy did I miss in my inner musings and tuning out?

"But with how things will one day progress…"

No. No. NO. I refuse. I refuse to discuss it. I refuse to acknowledge it any more than I have to. I didn't want to even think about it if I could escape it. But of course, I can't have that. Why would I be able to? I, Bella Cullen, just had to have it all and I got it in one sweet sickening package that I now felt was disgusting in the way that Edward could be fine with it.

He was fine with it while I could barely manage to come to terms with it for any extended period.

"For Renesmee's benefit, I feel it would be best if you and Jake stabilize your friendship. It would be in the best interest of both parties of course. In the long run it will make things easier for her when the time comes."

He did not…just…

He was honesty telling me to fix the broken pieces of a dead friendship to make it easier on everyone? On who? Who exactly would benefit from this? Had anyone seen Jake lately, because I hadn't. I saw a shell. The once sunny boy that I knew was gone, and in its place was this brooding man who had built up tension and a wall every time we were in a room alone with each other. All the easiness was gone along with Jake 'n Bells.

I don't know what hurt more. The way all that was gone, or the amount of time he spent with my daughter and her being the only one who could make him smile. Sadly that smile was nowhere near the one he used to give me.

I broke him. I couldn't even deny it if I tried. Yet here my husband was in a bathroom with me, worried about appearances and making things run smoothly as though it was a business plan and not a failed relationship. But what argument could I even make?

No, thanks Edward, I broke him enough. No, thanks Edward, why don't I just rub it in his face more that he has my daughter as some consolation prize? Wait…

I took a good look at Edward right then.

He gave off a crooked smile while his fingers touched my cheek "I wish I knew what was going on in that mind of yours."

No Edward you don't. You really, really don't.

"I'm going to go eat." It was an escape, but I knew Edward wouldn't know it. He still saw me as a puzzle to figure out.

"Good. I will let Jake know. I'm glad you realized that I am only looking out for your best interests, love."

He looked relieved, and it was starting to click in my head what exactly he had wanted me to do.

He actually wants me to hunt with Jake to bond. Jake who hated vampires still. Jake who disliked the whole vamping out thing. Jake who once looked at me after a hunt and I swore I saw disgust. I wanted to cry that day ,even more knowing that I couldn't.

Suddenly, I didn't want to go and the window was slowly starting to say Do it. Do it. Just one little shove. I half expected Jessica to appear, telling me all the cool kids were doing it.

You know you want to. Peer pressure. Peer pressure. Ignoring the urge, I decided to just let it go.

I would not fight him today. I would not argue. Instead, I took off running out the house, a blink to any normal eye but I knew he would do as he said and soon I would have Jake nearby. He could say no to Edward, but inwardly I knew if Edward wished for something to happen he would make sure of it. I grimaced and started to think of that window again even with the trees I was passing and with me no longer near it.

I shouldn't be thinking this way. I thought to myself while sitting at the base of a tree. I could see it all, and hear the sounds of wildlife. The life around me, the vibrant colors of nature stood out even more but thoughts of earlier hit me and I couldn't help it as my mind ranted.

It's not his fault that perfection was becoming more and more enemy number one. It wasn't his fault that I couldn't enjoy the normal mom moments, and it felt like if I blinked I missed months of my daughter's life.

A memory hit me of wanting to teach her to ride a bike, and how I learned a couple of things. I had done all the preparations before Rose could take over, or Jake took up her time. I researched online and talked to other mothers. That part made me wince. They all had so much to talk about when it came to all their kids had done. Their memories of simple little things like falling and helping them to stand, what formula they used to use, and even how some were dealing with the first day of school jitters.

Renesmee was approaching her second birthday and already looked like she was around eight years old but my daughter never once tripped. That bothered me, but still I researched. I wanted that one memory. That one thing that I taught her that signified every kid. In my head, riding a bike had become a rite of passage.

Yet the day came and it was nothing like I imagined. One, she took to riding without lesson at all. Two, she lost interest and preferred something more mature. Three, she would never be just a kid.

I gave birth and that was it. I started to hold myself as that familiar ache that I would always get came. Why didn't I feel complete? It made no sense. I have everything.

You don't have Jake. My mind mused, making me growl at myself until a smell hit my nose along with the sound of padded paws hitting the ground. Between the smell and paws, I knew it was Jake. Memories of his scent before the change came to mind, and I tried to hold on to it the closer he came. I felt like I would never truly get used to the stench.

I didn't look up yet, even when he was close and I heard the rustling of what I thought was him putting on his shorts.

"Hi."

One word and that deep tone still spoke to me deep inside somewhere, still though the tension was there. We both could feel it, like the elephant in the room. Where's a pack of lions when you need them?

"Hi Jacob." I wasn't even sure what more could be said or what to even say to him. I was more than surprised he was even here. I couldn't help it but, for a moment, I hoped to be the reason.

"Your blo-husband said Nessie would like us to talk more."

So that's how he got Jake here. Of course. The imprint. I wasn't the reason he came. He came only because he thought it would help my daughter later. Then again, I should have known I wasn't the reason. Still it hurt. It hurt knowing I was so far off his radar, even as I reminded myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I gave up everything for. Even though I truly had given up nothing, Jake had made sure of that. He found a way to let me have my happily ever after and my dad without giving up anything about me.

I looked up at my ex-best friend right then and noticed, like always, the sadness in his eyes and in his darkened features. He looked haunted, but that was to me who knew him. I couldn't help but stare at his abs or the shaggy look of his hair that came just below his ears. I wasn't sure what made him grow his hair back out a bit but I was not complaining. I did, however, ignore the urge to touch it and feel it in my hands.

"Yea."

And more awkward silence, initiating now.

"Shouldn't you be hunting?" He looked at me in question as his eyes looked me over.

"Not hungry…" I murmured though Jake didn't seem surprised at all by my answer and for a moment he even looked amused.

"And pass up blood o' duck?" he smirked slightly, lifting the tension a bit.

I couldn't help but wonder if it was for me or my daughter. I probably should just count my blessings.

"Not duck season," I tried to joke back knowing that it was lousy and fell flat.

"That…was the worst joke ever."

I couldn't help but agree with him and there came Mr. Elephant awkwardness loomed. Then suddenly, as me and Jake looked at each other, we both burst out laughing.

"Duck season, really?"

I couldn't help but mimic back, "Blood o' duck?"

"Better than duck season," He laughed and it felt as natural as the trees surrounding us.

For a moment Jake n' Bells was back, and I was savoring it. "You should stop hating."

"Sure, sure. Tell me that when your favorite dish isn't O positive."

And then I went silent right as the elephant waved its trunk as if to say did you miss me?

I looked away and past the trees as far as I could, I knew even with my eyes I wouldn't see much. It was a very dense forest and we moved near it for a reason. The biggest being a little girl becoming a woman in around 7 years. Two of them already about gone. I thought grimly.

I didn't feel like being here anymore. Worse yet, I felt like if I did start running. I wouldn't find it in me to stop.

"So the drug wore off…" Jake said quietly enough where, if I wasn't a vampire, I wouldn't have heard it.

"Just drop it Jacob." I knew I was whining and only had myself to blame for how I was feeling right now.

"Drop what? That I was right?"

And there it was. He just had to poke the elephant. He just had to read me like always in just a few moments where Edward - even after our arguments – would probably be telling his self that none of it mattered. Why would it? I made an irreversible choice. I had the perfect husband. At least, I would keep reminding myself of that.

"Then again, you got everything you wanted." Jake spat out the words with disdain, "So what's the problem Bells? Would say all you're missing is the dog but you got that too."

His voice got darker with each word and even the old nickname that was once so endearing sounded like venom. If not for his voice, I would think it was my own mind berating myself again.

Still I couldn't let him see his self like that. He was more than that. Way more.

"Don't talk about yourself like that." I frowned, reaching out to touch him like I used to.

My fingers barely brushed his skin before Jake seemed to recoil, as though repulsed, while stepping out of reach "Why not?"

My arms quickly went to my sides then around myself for comfort even as I spoke softly. "Because you're more than that. You deserve so mu-"

"Stop! I'm so sick and tired of you saying what I deserve when all you do is show me how I'm not enough! It's all you've ever done!"

I didn't even have to look to know that he was shaking with anger, but still I looked. The pain and anguish in his eyes cut at me. How bad did I hurt him? How bad did I break him? But at least he has her…

He didn't want her and you know it. She wasn't his choice, my mind decided to push what I wanted to keep buried up and to the surface.

"Jake..." I nearly whimpered his name. Part of me wanted him to stop looking at me with so much in his eyes because it was pure emotional turmoil. The other part knew that I had it coming.

"No! Just stop there! I swear if you say her name right now…." he took a deep breath but it didn't seem to help much. "Nearly two years…two fucking years since and I still can't...FUCK! Every time I feel like I can forget you! Every time I feel like I might be able to get over you! But I CAN'T! I can't even look at her eyes without thinking of yours! DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS!? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP IT IS THAT I CHANGED MY FUTURE WIFE'S DIAPER!? So don't you dare say her fucking name! You think I want to be reminded of how much on the end of the shit stick I am!?"

He started pacing and I swore that any second he'd be on all fours even with how he grabbed at his own hair. He wasn't Jake at all anymore. He was the embodiment of pissed and I knew that I should go. Even with a shield and my strength there was something about how feral he was right now that was downright scary. Yet here I was, and deeper in my non-beating heart I still trusted him.

I was never the first place winner on sane decisions.

"And what I'm supposed to say when she's old enough!? Happy seventh birthday, it's cool, we can fuck now!?"

I winced, feeling disturbed as he started painting the picture for me. I didn't know you could feel sick to your stomach and jealous all at once. Even worse, jealous of my own daughter.

"What I'm supposed to do!? Say its cool!? I had enough dreams about your mom so I've got better control?!" He started shouting louder, his form shaking to the point he seemed to blur. "Oh, but wait! It's okay Ness. When I look at you I see her anyway, but I still see you too."

"Didn't Quil…" I knew that I was fishing for anything to help, but it seemed to do the opposite. Touching him wasn't an option anymore.

"I'm not Quil! He can't even see another chick to date one! You think he LIKES being tied to a little kid like that?"

"You didn't seem so against it before…"

"THAT WAS BEFORE I IMPRINTED ON A NEWBORN!"

"Maybe you'll forget in time…" That was a thought that I hated. The idea of Jake truly moving on and forgetting me hurt a lot. Wow, that sounded selfish.

"I know leeches don't have a sense of time but have you forgotten example one, aka SAM! He STILL thought of Leah!"

That only made me confused as I thought about it. Wasn't imprinting supposed to wipe all that clean? I couldn't help the small amount of joy from knowing that it wasn't that simple. That joy died though at the look in Jake's eyes and then the bitter laugh from his lips.

"I'm the future chief of my tribe and my future wife's a half vamp. The thing I'm supposed to kill. The thing I'm supposed to protect people from…" He said it all in a quiet tone, his body slowly became still before his voice came out hollow and broken. "But I guess it doesn't matter. The thought of…with…I just can't…"

Slowly his face became a grimace "Even if I could and we had a kid..." I tried to not look sick as he continued "Either way the option is fucked up."

For once I wished I couldn't read Jake like I could because I was right there with him feeling disturbed and sick at it all. With a house full of vampires and a half vampire as a mother, he would be risking a child's death or setting them up to be a shifter. There was no if or maybes about it.

I wanted to say I was sorry but where would I even start? Sorry for falling in love? I couldn't be sorry for that. I wasn't. I wasn't sorry for loving Edward.

Maybe for realizing things too late, like perfect isn't always better? My mind started and all I could do was hold myself as though I was coming apart.

Maybe I should go hunt. I thought to myself before getting up slowly.

I wished that Jake would look at me again, but he wouldn't even turn my way. Now that he was facing the opposite direction, I felt like the wall had gotten even thicker between us.

Yes, hunting had to be better than this. Sitting here and thinking only made me think of more things that I would rather push back down. Maybe it was good I couldn't sleep, I was sure after the picture Jake painted of his future that I would have a nightmare.

I started moving away from him and in search of my prey. I know I should have been paying better attention, but with the war in my head I wasn't at my best. If I had been, the sudden sweet smell maybe would have made me pause a bit at how much it sung to me. Instead bloodlust took over and I let it. It was the one thing that I could do as an escape.

One thing did make me stop. A sudden sound and a pain at my chest right at my heart along with the feeling of fire spreading through me as I fell to the ground.

I thought changing into a vampire was an agonizing pain. It didn't compare to this, not something so consuming and brutal. I couldn't help but cry out as it felt as though I was being torn apart and burned. Even with no knowledge personally of the experience, I felt like this was what it felt like and I expected to see flames around me.

Instead there was the blur of trees that came in and out of focus. If I could have looked at myself, I would have known I was writhing on the ground but all I cared about was the pain eating me alive. I actually convulsed hard enough to puke on myself. A weird mix of silver and dark crimson assaulted my eyes a moment before they rolled back, and I barely heard the footsteps that came closer to me.

"He-he-help..." my voice was guttural as I pleaded to the blurry image of what I thought was a girl.

Here I was an almighty vampire begging this human for help. I cared less at the moment for the irony, and would have accepted a vision of Yoda at this point.

I tried to beg again as nothing came out anymore, just that liquid and my body went through more compulsions as a feeling that I never thought I would know again took over along with the pain.

I felt weak.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm not sure how you're still alive but give me one sec to fix that."

I wasn't sure what she meant nor why the voice sounded familiar, until I heard the sound of an apparent fire that changed the priorities of my thoughts.

Dear god…help me…please. I tried to scream it even as I felt myself self being dragged and it didn't take a genius to know to where I was going, but I couldn't get free. No matter how much I screamed at my body to obey as the pain went through me, I felt weaker with each passing moment.

It felt like hours until I heard the howl, and the upper half of my body was unceremoniously dropped. I barely took noticed as the pain consumed me again from the inside out.

I couldn't get my eyes to focus as the blurred images of what I figured was the girl and a giant wolf - who I figured to be Jake- stood near each other. At the moment I couldn't figure out why Jake couldn't pick me up and run me to Carlisle. The fact that he couldn't because of some reason was lost on me at the moment.

Finally a scream did come out of me but it wasn't intentional. The pain was too much. I couldn't take this much longer. I could barely make them out anymore as darkness was coming fast. I didn't even feel myself being lifted again.

Was I dying? Was I really going to die? Like this? Or did Jake finally get me? Maybe Jake was so mad that he was actually leaving me to die? As much as I couldn't see Jake doing that, only pain and hurt was going through me - helping me to think the worse or the worse.

As everything went black, I finally got my apology together.

Sorry Jake…for everything.