South Mayberry
How Babies Aren't Made
by
Alexander Pennington
Andy's horseshoe arced through the air and hit the metal pole with a clang. "There, see? It's as easy as pokin' Aunt Bee from the rear."
"What do you mean pa?" said Opie.
Andy sat down on a long rock and patted a spot next to him. "Why don't you sit down children, and I'll explain it."
Opie sat down and Andy said, "Well, you see children, when a man... uh, when a man and woman like each other very much, sometimes they have butt sex."
"I don't think I understand Pa."
"Let me put it like this." Andy began to sing.
"When a man loves a woman,
And he wants to show it too,
But he don't want no chillens,
There be just one thing to do!
He's got to bend her over,
And take her from behind.
Because let me tell you children,
He's got one thing on his mind!
Butt sex baby! Butt sex!
He don't want no more children of his own.
Butt sex baby! Butt sex!
That's the way we do it,
When we do be all grown!"
"Oh," said Opie.
Aunt Bee's voice floated out from the house. "Andy! Your rump roast is ready!"
"Excuse me children," said Andy, then he stood up and walked inside.
Just then, Opie's friend Fred ran up. "Opie! Opie! Did you hear about what happened to the service station?"
"No," said Opie, "what happened?"
"It was destroyed by cows!"
"No way!"
"Yeah! They just came charging through! Should we tell your dad?"
"No, I think he's eating right now. Let's go check it out."
The two boys walked through Mayberry to the service station. Officer Fife stood in front of mounds of smoking rubble. "There's nothing to see here. Move along. Oh, hi kids."
"Hi Officer Fife," said the kids in unison.
"What happened?" said Opie.
"It would appear a herd of enraged cows stampeded through the service station here."
"Whoa dude! What would cause that?" said Fred.
"We don't know yet. Do you know where your father is Opie?"
"He's at home. I think he's eating Aunt Bee's rump roast."
Mr. Pyle stepped around a large chunk of nearby rubble, holding a wrench in his hand wrapped in a shirt.
"Oh, hello everyone," said Mr. Pyle.
"Yes, hello everyone," said Mr. Wrench. Mr. Pyle wiggled Mr. Wrench as he spoke.
A cow hurtled from behind the rubble directly at Mr. Pyle.
"Mooo!"
"Oh no!" said Mr. Pyle and he ran down the street, disappearing around a corner, the cow galloping after him.
"Come on Fred!" said Opie, following behind. When they came to the corner they stopped, leaning over to peek around. Mr Pyle was standing there, talking to the cow.
"All this time you just wanted the corn cob in my pocket?" said Mr. Pyle.
"Mooo," said the cow.
Mr. Pyle took the corn cob from his pocket and gently placed it in the cow's mouth. "You know," he said, "you're kind of a pretty little cow."
"Mooo," said the cow, nodding. Mr. Pyle started caressing the cow's muzzle and the cow turned around.
"Dude! What's Mr. Pyle doing to that cow?" said Fred.
"That means they're in love," said Opie.
"They're gonna make a cow-human baby-thing!" said Fred.
"Don't worry," said Opie. "My pa told me people can love each other like that without making babies."
"Oh," said Fred. After a few moments more, the boys turned and went home.