In the beginning Bucky recites. He recites old addresses that he or Steve lived at. He recites recipes that his mother made for dinner or dessert. He recites poetry that Steve enjoyed, the different fruits they'd buy at the market. He recites anything that might help keep him sane and alive. They want things from him. He knows every time they push him back in his chair (his chair? how sad that he considers it that) they want him to answer differently.
"What's your name?"
"Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes."
And back in the chair he goes for another round of torture.
"What's your name?"
"James Buchanan Barnes."
Bucky shouldn't hold out hope for Steve. He knows that. Hell, he hopes that the kid doesn't try to come save him. Never mind his new ultra-strong body. Steve is still, well, Steve and Bucky is always going to worry about him. Ever since they met, when Bucky picked up the kid who was literally kicking dirt into Steve's face as kids, Bucky's been protective of Steve.
Every time the door is opened with any type of force, though, Bucky pictures Steve kicking in the door and pulling him out of the chair. Fuck the chair. Bucky twitches, as if he wants to try to force his way out, but he doesn't have the strength. It hurts. Everything hurts and he feels as if he's been here forever even though he knows that it can only have been a few days.
"What's your name?"
"James… Barnes."
Whenever his eyes close, as if he might fall asleep, his torturers are quick to wake him up so he hasn't slept in that time. He hasn't eaten, drank anything. It's not like he's not used to torture. He was captured before but this is extreme. The way that they seem to be trying to manipulate his brain. Bucky winces at the very thought of it, his head pounding and he forces his thoughts away.
Back to Steve. Steve works. The thought of Steve is helping to keep him sane. Is he still sane? Sometimes it's hard for him to tell. Sometimes when they ask him questions he doesn't want to answer the way that he should. Sometimes… it's like his thoughts are different, his mind is different.
"What's your name?"
"Bucky."
At least, he thinks that he's Bucky. When was he Bucky? How many days has it been? It can't have been that many. He's still alive. He's hungry and thirsty but he's alive. Isn't he? Maybe he's not? How can he tell? Steve. Steve is probably coming for him, isn't he? Bucky would come after Steve. Bucky would come after Steve no matter what because they're best friends. Are they best friends? Yes. Of course. Steve is Bucky's best friend. Steve is Bucky's. Steve.
"What's your name?"
"I… Steve's."
When is Steve going to get here? Fuck, Bucky's hungry. He would eat anything right now. Even that bullshit that the man down the hall fed the stray cats that always meowed and drove his mama crazy. He would eat that right now and love it. Steve. Please. If not Steve then somebody, right? They should know that Bucky's alive. Should they? Shouldn't they? Where is he? How did he get here?
"What's your name?"
"Steve."
It's the only word on his mind. He misses him. Sometimes he isn't quite sure who Steve is but he misses him. He misses the warmth of a body next to his on cold, cold nights. Steve's apartment was always freezing and the two would huddle under a blanket, tell jokes and scary stories and press closer together. Bucky thinks that if Steve finds him this time then he's going to tell Steve that he's in love with him. He would have but… why? What happened? There was a girl… Bucky remembers her wearing red, he thinks. Maybe? He doesn't remember.
"What's your name?"
"I don't know."
He'd tell Steve that he's in love with him. He'd tell Steve that he's been in love with him since… forever. He thinks forever. At least since Steve was 13 and had an asthma attack on the beach. Bucky remembers… he thinks that he remembers. He remembers some of Bucky's friends (never Steve's friends, were they? didn't matter since Bucky was Steve's friend, right?) making fun of Steve and he remembers punching his second best friend in the face over it. Nobody made fun of Steve in front of Bucky. Especially not after that.
"What's your name?"
"I don't know, damn it!"
Steve. Who is Steve? No, Steve's his best friend. Bucky won't forget him. He squeezes his eyes shut, forces himself to remember Steve. He's smaller, small enough to fit in Bucky's arms, wrapped up tight and secure and safe. No, now he's bigger. They seem to be about the same height and Steve could even be broader than him. Muscular. Different than they were when they were kids but still Steve. His Steve. Fuck, how many days as it been? Bucky's going to need to eat something or else they're not going to get any answer because he's going to be dead. Is that what they're going for? It can't be. They have to have some use for him. Please, Steve. Please.
"What's your name?"
"The… Bucky. James Barnes. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes and fuck you."
He thinks he knows what they're trying to get him to do now. They want him to fight for them. He would never. They want him to forget Steve. They want him to forget that he's Bucky. He can't. He won't. It makes him laugh and the man guarding him looks like he's gone insane. Maybe he has. Has he? Not yet. Not yet. Steve. He won't forget Steve. He won't forget who he is because god, what would Steve think if he didn't fight his ass off? Steve would probably lecture him on his language. Bucky always loved making Steve blush up to his ears with the mouth that Bucky has on him.
"What's your name?"
"Bucky. I think. It's Bucky."
"Is it?"
That's new. Normally they just shove his chair back again and Bucky's head jerks up. He forces himself to look at the man, coughing and swallowing, wondering if the man will get him water if he just answers what he wants him to.
"Yeah it is you bastard now let me out."
"What was that other name that you said? Steve wasn't it? Who is he?"
Bucky has to screw up his face tight, has to think about that hard because who is Steve? He doesn't remember for a few moments until he does.
"Steve's my best friend. He's going to find you and we're going to kick your ugly ass."
It's a lot more bravado than Bucky feels but if Steve can get by with just his witty comments then Bucky can at least try. Ah, if only Steve could see him now. Bucky's dry lips crack as his lips twist up into a smile. If only Steve could see him now. Fuck. Please. Steve. Please. See him now. Come for him. Bucky knows that maybe he is just a coward, he wants to fucking live. He has so much life left to live. He has so much left to do. Bucky wants to get married, have kids… fuck, he just wants to be with Steve a little while longer whether that means marriage or not.
"Ah. You'd like to believe that, wouldn't you? Captain America, isn't that what he's called?"
"Stop asking me all these fucking questions," Bucky snaps, mostly because he can't remember. He thinks so. It sounds familiar but he doesn't know. He doesn't know and it's driving him crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. He feels crazy. Fuck. What the fuck is he supposed to do?
The man laughs, leans forward until he's right in Bucky's face and Bucky tries to focus on his eyes. It's hard when his head feels like it's going to split in two.
"Your Steve, Captain America, he's dead, soldier. He's dead. Died yesterday afternoon."
From out of nowhere it seems, the man pulls out a newspaper and Bucky can see the headline. It feels like his heart stops and he has to force himself to draw in a breath. No. There's a picture but it blurs as Bucky's eyes fill with tears. No, there's no way. Steve's a fucking super-soldier. Bucky saw how big that he was. He'd seen the way that Steve had jumped through fire and had been shot… Some what? Ice? There's no way that some ice killed him. No way.
"You don't look like you believe me. Do you want to see more, soldier? Here. You can have as many as you want. Would you like the radio broadcasts?"
"Fuck you," Bucky mutters, averting his eyes because he can't look any longer. The door slams open and Bucky's heart leaps, picturing Steve the way that he has for the last however many hours and then he realizes. The door slams shut and it's just another HYDRA soldier and Steve won't be coming in. Bucky feels hollow inside and it has nothing to do with the lack of food. Steve. His Steve. His beautiful, gorgeous Steve that Bucky was always too much of a coward to tell he loved him.
Bucky blames it on the exhaustion when tears run down his cheeks and what's he going to do? There's no rescue for him. No rescue for him or Steve. Gone. Gone and alone and now he's being pushed back in the chair and he's going to go fucking crazy.
"What's your name?"
"No."
Back in the chair. Steve. Alone.
"What's your name?"
Bucky doesn't bother to respond this time. Doesn't think he can respond. What is that question anyway? Does he have a name?
"What's your name?"
Alone. Being pushed back in the chair.
"What's your name?"
No use. There's no use in resisting. What does it matter? Steve won't know. Steve would hate him for giving up. Is it giving up? Fuck, he just hurts so much. Alone. He was never alone when he had Steve.
"What's your name?"
Steve. Please.
"What's your name?"
Please.
"What's your name?"
His eyes are shadowed as he looks at the man in front of him. "Soldier 5186."
Then he's thrown back into a cell, to wait further instructions. In the years that come, until he's formally experimented on, he sometimes gets flashes in his mind of a man with blonde hair and a soft touch. Other times he wakes up screaming, the name Steve on his lips.
Most times he doesn't think of him at all because when he does it means the chair. And when he becomes the Winter Soldier, when he starts killing, when he becomes HYDRA's toy, he tries not to think of anything at all.