Questions and kisses

Rachel was sitting in her room, crying. Her and Finn had broken up. Again. She didn't know what was wrong with her to never be able to make it last. Jesse had seemed so very compatible with her, but he obviously had ulterior motives. Puck had been nice enough and not a bad kisser, but she knew that they'd never last. Finn and her had always been drawn to each other, but something always got in the way. Rachel was starting to think that she'd never meet the right guy or even if she did, she'd probably find a way to not have it last.

She has always considered herself a straight woman. Society states that this is the norm and she had gone along with it simply because she didn't see a reason not to. But now, she was actually thinking that maybe she should look at it differently. She only considered herself straight i.e. not gay or bisexual, because she had never considered the alternative. How do you know that you're not straight when everyone assumes you are? That question had her drying her eyes and deciding on a course of action. Tomorrow she would approach the one person she was sure could give her some insight. She was going to speak with Santana Lopez.

The next day

Santana was standing by her locker, putting away some books when the diva walked over.

"What do you want, Berry?" She asks, since she could see that she was headed in her direction, which instantly annoyed the Latina. Though they had been getting along a bit because of their mutual love for glee club, that still didn't mean she didn't considered the diva annoying as hell.

"Good day, Santana. I was wondering if I could maybe pick your brain about something. See, I was thinking about me and Finn and my past relationships and I …"

The Latina could spot the unending rant coming her way and quickly saw to ending it by interrupting the rambling diva.

"I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not in the mood for your incessant ramblings. If you have something you wanna ask me, just spit it out!"

Caught off guard by the taller brunette's need to speed things along, Rachel gathers her thoughts and gets to the question she's got on her mind.

"How do you know you're gay?" She softly asks, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to their conversation.

Santana just looks at her with a strange look on her face, obviously not expecting that kind of question from the girl.

"How do I know I'm …" She repeats to herself. "What's this about, Berry? You going cliché on me, deciding 'cause the men in your life don't live up to your expectations, you think maybe women will? That kinda thinking usually comes later in life, for most that's what college is for." Santana declares, actually intrigued by the singer's question, but still annoyed that she's being bothered by it.

"No, well, kind of …" She answers unsurely but truthfully. "I just find myself wondering that maybe the reason why my previous relationship didn't work out is because they're the wrong kind of relationships. Maybe the assumption that I'm a straight woman in need of a leading man was the wrong one. I've never found myself in the position to question my sexuality before, I don't really know how to determine whether I should. So that's why I'm asking you for some insight. You've been an out and proud woman for a while now, though not by choice. You seem happy in your relationship with Brittany now, so I thought if someone could help me understand whether lesbianism is right for me, it'd be you."

The cheerleader stood there, mouth agape. She let the future Broadway star finish for once, since she felt the need to hear her out about this. After all, matters on sexuality were something she wasn't bitchy about and actually wanted to help with. Everyone knows how she struggled with it, if she could help someone through a similar situation, she damn well would do it. In this case though, she wasn't sure how much help she could be.

"Listen Rachel," Only pausing shortly as the foreign feeling of addressing her by her first name comes across her mind. "I get what you're saying and why you came to me about it, but I was never exactly in your situation." She pauses again, this time to keep the emotions this conversations is leading to somewhat at bay. "I've known Brittany for as long as I can remember. There was always a natural connection between us, we were very close from the start. Our transition from best friends to … something more, also came kinda naturally to us. Part of the reason for that, is 'cause we never labeled it. Even though we had heterosexual … relationships, we or well I, never really saw myself as straight. I just knew I had this person in my life that completed me in ways I would've never imagined. Someone whom I wanted to share everything with. That person just happened to be a girl. Through some soul searching and a bit of internet research, I found myself agreeing to the label lesbian. If I hadn't had Brittany though, I doubt I would've figured it out by now and we probably wouldn't be having this conversation."

The halls around them had cleared out, while Santana was entrusting her emotional journey on Rachel. They had gone wherever they needed to be for their second to last class of the day. Since both girls had a free period, they decided to find a place to sit as they continue their conversation. After a bit of silence, Santana carries on.

"So what I'm trying to tell you, is that I really don't know how to answer that question. I don't know how I know I'm gay, I just know that I am. I know in my heart that Brittany and I are meant to be together. That, in any case, makes me not straight. Maybe that's the question you should ask yourself instead. 'How do you know you're straight?' But then again, it isn't necessarily about defining your sexuality, that's just what society wants you to do. You just need to figure out what it is that's had you drawn to the men in your previous relationships. There must have been a reason for it. And at the same time, maybe figure out whether you could find that with a woman as well.

She pauses again, before she adds one last thing with a big smirk on her face.

"And if all else fails, just stick your tongue down some girl's throat. I'm sure that'll be enlightening, though I'm in no way offering myself for the job."

Rachel, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during the cheerleader's words, was molding things over in her mind. Santana was right in suggesting that maybe she should be asking a different question. It's not about how she knows she's gay that would help me determine whether I am. Usually people are straight, until they're not. Occasionally they're even gay, until they're not. The thing that triggers these realizations is usually a person from the same or from the opposite sex that you find yourself in like with. (Actually defining your sexuality, is a lot more than that though.) Or in other cases, just coming to an age where you know yourself enough to recognize that you're not straight, could have you coming to terms with it. With this reasoning, she decides on following Santana's advice and simply find someone who knows they're straight to gather some intel. If that was still deemed fruitless, she'd consider locking lips with who should be considered a lucky lady, but this would be her last resort.

"Thank you, Santana. I really appreciate you opening up to me like this." She tells the cheerleader knowing that Santana is not one to lay her emotions bare like she just did. "And it was actually really insightful, I think I know what to do next."

"Good to hear." She answers, before realizing she's sounding a bit too soft to her liking. " Now could you go bother someone else with your life questions. I've got a blonde to locate."

Rachel just smiles as she gets up from where she was sitting.

"Sure Santana, I'll leave you to it." Having a thought, she quickly adds: "Speaking of blondes, you wouldn't happen to know where to find Quinn, would you?"

After learning that Quinn was most likely at the tracks, right before she was lightly threatened if she were to ever reveal the occurrence of the conversation, she assured the Latina that it would never be mentioned and thanked her again for her help. As she's heading towards the running fields outside, she can't help but cherish the fact that something good would come out of this. After all, the conversation she just had with someone who was considered one of McKinley's HBIC, was definitely going to leave it's traces, even if neither of them would ever mention it happening again.

Quinn was indeed running, so in order to not disturb the blonde, she took a seat on the bleachers and thought about how she would handle the next conversation to be had. It didn't take long for the former cheerleader to notice her though and as the girl approaches, she decides she'd just have to wing it.

"Hi Rach, what's up?" She asks, confused as to why to blonde was here, though not unhappy about it in any way. Their friendship was still pretty new, she had only just started addressing the brunette by her shortened name. But even when they were enemies or frenemies, they had always had a connection. Somehow, in the conversations they had, honesty was pretty much a sure thing. If she was coming to her now, she was most likely interested in her ideas or opinions on something. Unlike before, she'd refrain from using harsh language and insults and just focus on actually being there for her friend.

"Hi Quinn, I'm sorry for distracting you. I had every intention of letting you run and approach you when you were finished." She apologized in true Rachel Berry fashion, only lacking a plate of her (in)famous 'I'm sorry' cookies.

Quinn just smiled, well aware of her frequent over politeness and just shrugged it off while saying: "I was finishing up anyway. You wanna talk to me about something?"

Rachel was happy to hear the blonde was willing to listen to whatever problems she came up with this time. Over the small course of time that they've actually considered each other friends, they had formed the friendship she always thought and hoped they could have.

"Well yes actually, I went to talk to Santana first since she has the perspective I thought I needed for my situation so that seemed to be the obvious choice. She convinced me though that I might be more in need of another perspective instead so I came to find you. Our conversation, which she will of course deny happening, left me with a few helpful insights as well. I still can't believe we were able to have such an open hearted conversation, it's nice to see that side of her. Though I guess, you've probably seen it more often, since you're such good friends."

Quinn still didn't really know what Rachel needed her for and since she didn't seem to lead her monologue in that direction right away, she decided to interrupt the tiny diva to try and steer her in the right direction. Not too long ago, she would've probably snapped at her and told her to get on with it, which Santana probably had done. She's had enough of experience to know that wasn't usually enough to get Rachel to get to the point. Since she was in a pretty good mood due to the running and rather happy that she came to her for advice, she felt no need to resort to her old self. And since she went and talked to Santana first, it must be rather serious.

"Rachel? What exactly is it that you want to talk to me about?" She asked kindly, touching her left hand to the girls shoulder in order to get her attention.

"Oh, right, sorry. I do tend to ramble sometimes, especially when I'm a little nervous." She admitted as if it wasn't one of the most commonly known things about her. Quinn thought it to be rather cute though, as she waited for Rachel to carry on. "See the thing is, because of my break-up with Finn, I've been doing some thinking about my previous relationships. Although I've been raised to have an open mind, I did somehow unconsciously follow societies norm when it comes to dating. While there's nothing wrong with that, it does make me wonder at this time, that that was the right choice for me. Although it's not a choice of course, but in a way, subconsciously, maybe it sort of is, in the way that one choses to acknowledge the possibility. I'm just now realizing though, that there's a different option." She starts off, a bit more clumsy than most of the paragraphs that tend to flow from her lips.

Since she's still not making that much sense, Quinn interrupts her again, hoping she'll eventually be able to puzzle her words together.

"Wait Rach, what exactly are you saying? What choice?"

"Well," She continues, not too annoyed about the interruption since she knows she's not making herself all that clear. "I'm saying that I'm considering the fact that maybe I have such a bad dating record because I've been dating the wrong kind of people. And by that I mean, uh, the wrong gender."

That bit of information sheds enough light on her previous paragraph for Quinn to understand what it is Rachel is taking about.

"Oh." Was all she could say to that, while she processed some more.

Rachel thinks she could be gay since her relationships with men tend to end badly. A bit of a cliché maybe, though not necessarily a wrong thing to assume. I guess I could understand why she would wonder …

A, seemingly very important, question then sprung to mind, which she quite abruptly through in Rachel's direction.

"Wait, Rach, why are you telling me this? I don't know how someone realizes they're gay. You don't think that I'm gay do you?"

During her last question, her voice rises a bit. The thought of someone thinking she was gay scared her more than she knew it should.

"No, quite the opposite actually." Rachel was quick to ensure. "I went to talk to Santana first because I thought she'd help me in explaining how she realized she was. But she thought it best to turn the question around. I've always considered myself a straight woman so far, so maybe I should try to find a way to see whether or not that assumption had been right. And that's why I came to find you."

"So you want my help because I'm straight?" Quinn asks, starting to really understand her newly found friend's way of thinking, though still unsure on how she could really help.

"Uhu. I just wonder what it is that makes you so sure you're straight."

Though she was happy to get a one-sentenced answer for once, it did leave her less time to process. It was kind of a weird thing to ask though.

How do I know I'm straight? I don't know, I just am I guess ... It's a sin not to be, so it's not like it's really an option for me. But then again, like Rachel said, it's not like people actually have a say in the matter. Sure, you can choose not to acknowledge that you're gay, but that's a sure way to making your life miserable, even if it does prevent you from ending up in Hell.

Realizing she should put some of her thoughts into words, she decided to give her some of the facts.

"I'm not sure if this is the answer you're looking for, but I guess I know I'm straight because I don't see a reason not to be. My parents are very religious, as you know, so the concept was only ever mentioned in preaches at church or when my father would go off complaining about, uhm, someone from work over dinner." She hoped her almost slip up went fairly unnoticed, she didn't really want to explain how the fact that her father would often go into outbursts about the girl's family had played a definite role in how she had treaded her the past few years. "I don't see it the same way they do, of course. I mean, I've been friends with Santana forever and was probably one of the first to realize her and Britt were more than just friends, but it never bothered me. I didn't see myself participating though." She flinched a bit at her choice of words, but decided the singer would probably not take it the wrong way. "So, I guess that's how I know I'm straight."

As soon as the words leave her lips, she wonders how sure she really could be of that fact. 90% maybe, 85%? No one was 100% straight, or so they said. But at what point do the scales tip and should you acknowledge and possibly act on the part of you that isn't so straight?

She looks up to find Rachel lost in thought. She did hope she helped in some way, it just wasn't really an easy question. Especially when you've never had to wonder about if before.

"So, is that what you wanted to know? I'm sorry if I'm not much help, but you kind of sprung this on me and it's not exactly easy to put something you feel you just know into an explanation. A lot of people struggle with their sexuality, I think more often than not they "choose" to act on it because there's someone to act on it with."

Quinn sensed that she was trailing of a bit. She herself had never questioned her sexuality. Knowing what Santana had gone through, she had always felt rather relieved for that. Though she was far from an open book, it had been clear to everyone that the Latina had needed quite some time to process it all. Luckily for her, when she did come to terms with it, she was able to salvage her relationship with Brittany and they were both now as happy as ever. That train of thought caused her to ask Rachel another question.

"Do you like someone of the same sex? Because if you do, the best way to figure this out, would probably to talk to her about it. She might not be able to reciprocate your feelings, but saying the words out loud to the person of your affections will most likely make you realize whether your feelings are real or not." She was hesitant in her choice of words. This is kind of a delicate matter and while she's more than fine with the fact that the diva choose to talk to her about it, she's not sure there could be others better suited for this conversation. Like her fathers, or Kurt.

"No, it's not that I actually like someone, but at the same time, I haven't really allowed myself to travel that path either. I mean, I look at you and I can tell you're really beautiful, I remember telling you exactly that before." Those words make both girls think back to the bathroom scene all those months ago. Neither knows what to do with that right now though. "I thought that Finn was rather handsome though a bit too tall for me, Jesse's certainly a charmer but he didn't really use that skill for anything other than his own benefit usually and Noah, well he's got that whole bad boy thing working for him that most girls fall for at one time or another. But all of that is just popular opinion. I thought I loved Finn, but these past few days, with all these questions flying around in my mind, caused me to not be so sure about that anymore."

They sat in silence for a while, both too busy clarifying their thoughts to themselves to be able to explain them to anyone else. As a way to lighten the mood, Rachel jokingly says: "I could always just follow Santana's second piece of advice, which is to find a girl to lock lips with. Perhaps the mere sensations that will or won't stir up in me could be the push I need to lead me in the right direction."

Quinn gives her a soft smile, not really too keen on picturing Rachel kissing another girl. The thought however causes her eyes to drift towards the girl's lips which she oddly finds perfectly kissable. She'd only kissed 3 different guys and while none of them were bad, they didn't exactly leave her wanting for more either. She could understand where Rachel was coming from, especially since she knew she was such a huge fan of romantic comedies. She herself had found herself wondering what it would be like to experience love like it was often pictured in the movies. Every girl wants that, so since Rachel wasn't finding it in her past relationships with men, she thought maybe she could find it with another woman. Quinn envied her in finding it so easy to consider that possibility. Before this conversation, she would've never thought of herself as anything but completely straight. When she found her eyes still locked on the singer's plump lips, she couldn't help but wonder how sure she could actually be of her own sexuality. All of a sudden Rachel's lips formed one of her trademark Rachel Berry smiles, causing the blonde to break out of her stare.

"Thank you so much for helping me with this Quinn, I hope I didn't disrupt your run too much. I hope you know I truly appreciate you taking your time to understand my train of thought, which I've often been told is hardly easy. You've certainly giving me some things to consider after hearing your thoughts on the matter. I suppose there isn't really a right or wrong answer to my question anyway. It's mostly about figuring out who you are and that's pretty much what being a teenager is all about. I can't help but notice the irony in knowing I was going to be a Broadway star since I was 4 but not knowing whether I want a man or a woman by my side at 17. Thanks for your time Quinn. Enjoy the rest of your run and I'll see you tomorrow. I think I'm gonna go find some songs that could help me express the turmoil going on in my mind."

With those last words, Rachel leaves the blonde to her own thoughts and heads towards the parking lot so she can drive home.

Later that evening, at the Berry's

Rachel was up in her room again, doing her homework while occasionally writing down the title of a song of which she'd look up the lyrics later to see if it could be compatible with her feelings. When the bell rings, she doesn't get up since her dads are downstairs and she hardly ever gets unannounced, or even announced, guests anyway. When five minutes later, there's a soft knock on the door, she wasn't at all expecting who she would find on the other side.

"Quinn?" She wonders, confused why the former cheerleader would be standing at her door. "What are you doing here?" She didn't mean to sound impolite or as if she wasn't happy to see the blonde, she just hadn't ever been in this situation before and found herself not knowing how to act. Quinn had only once been at her house, and that party had been limited to the basement. Somehow, despite their newly forged friendship, she found herself a bit reluctant to let her into her room.

"I hope I'm not interrupting or anything, I just couldn't really let go of our conversation earlier and so I came here because I felt like it wasn't really finished. See, in talking to me about the questions in your mind, you made me realize something." She paused for a bit, not realizing that she was imitating Rachel a bit in using a bit of dramatics.

"The thing I came to realize, is that I can easily place myself in your shoes. We had quite a different upbringing, but as far as relationships go, we're at a very similar point. I mean, we did date two of the same guys. While I did enjoy these relationships, it wasn't exactly romantic or passionate or all-consuming like TV makes us believe it should. Once I saw that, I couldn't shake the feeling that you were right to wonder whether you just never realized that there's a possible explanation for this. so since you've already thought about this so much, I thought maybe we could help each other.

After her little speech, which she was rather proud of, she took a deep breath. She didn't know how the diva did it, get through all those long winded sentences. She must have a really good set of longs on her. This shouldn't come a surprise at all of course, once you've heard Rachel sing. She did let her mind wander for a bit about the other situations in which a skill like that would be considered useful. That thought led her to the actual reason for being there, which had her rather nervous.

"That's great Quinn, I mean I didn't mean to 'cause you to question yourself like I am, but I do consider it wise to acknowledge the fact that things aren't always the way one assumes. I'm glad you came to me for this. Is there something in particular you had in mind for which we could help each other?"

The two lock eyes, both hesitant in how to proceed though, unknown to them, sharing similar thoughts in what their next actions could be. It was only because they finally had walked the path of friendship together, that this situation was possible. If they had still been enemies, what happened next would probably have a completely different output.

"This." Quinn states. It would've been weird to say, since Rachel's question had been uttered several moments before. In those moments their eye contact hadn't broken and they had been very aware of the other's presence, but never as much as when Quinn touched her lips to Rachel's.

What happened then could not be described in words. The reaction in their bodies was instant. It felt like this was what everything had led to. Their hands roamed over the other's body, having too foggy a mind to stop themselves, either their own bodies in reacting the way it did or the other's hands in crossing an intimate line they didn't normally let just anyone cross. Quinn had Rachel pressed against the door, somehow having turned while consumed in the moment. Their tongues came out to play, though neither could tell who had initiated so bold a maneuver. Their hearts were beating loudly and when the need for oxygen finally became too strong, mostly for Quinn, they eased out of the kiss, the pressure of it still lingering on their lips.

Taking deep breaths, they both stood there. Quinn had Rachel trapped between her own body and the door. They were still in the same intimate embrace, only just tilting their heads back far enough to be able to breath properly. They retrieve their hands a bit and look away, suddenly very much aware of how little their minds had been in control during their encounter. When they finally regained their ability to speak, their eyes lock again and the only thing they were able to let flow across their lips was a soft "Wow".

So this is an idea that suddenly sprung to mind :). I've been out for a really long time and I fortunately never really struggled with my sexuality. It did take me a few months to actually come clean about my feelings to my best friend though. I fell in love with someone in my class when I was 16 and things just started making sense. Then when I started watching the L Word, I really figured it out :p. My feelings weren't reciprocated, but despite that it gave me enough insight to see the truth about myself. Maybe this is my way of placing myself back into my 16 year old self and the conversations and experiences I could've had back then :). For now this is a one-shot, but it could easily turn into a story in which Rachel and Quinn try to figure out whether their feelings for each other are genuine or whether they're caused by the lack of success in dating men. For Rachel the fact that her fathers are gay could cause some hesitations as well, same for Quinn with her parents and religion. If there's enough ask for it, it will continue, but only after Special Brownies is finished. I love that fic, it was my first step into this world but I can't seem to find the right way to form an ending. I'm trying though and I'm hoping that it'll soon come to me. Right now I need to focus my writing skills on my thesis, but come June I'll have some time off so that I can focus my energy and creativity in the things that I really care about :).

So any way, this fic is also a bit of a birthday present for myself and if you're reading this, that means that I found a way to get your attention and to share my thoughts with you, so thank you for that!

Until next time!

Lucy