DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters of American Horror Story: Coven.
WARINING: RATED M FOR DELPHINE'S HORRIFYING RACISM! I do not support Delphine's racist beliefs.
This is an AU where Delphine LaLaurie tells a totally fake story of how she shared Christmas with the slaves.
THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS
CHRISTMASTIME WITH DELPHINE LALAURIE
On a cool December evening, we have a tale to tell.
Delphine LaLaurie, the immortal racist, was sitting somewhere in Miss Robichaux's Academy. She had a cold, stern look on her face.
"I do not want to tell a Christmas story," said Delphine, "for I hate "
"You gonna tell this shit," said Queenie.
"Be quiet, vile negress," said Delphine.
"You are Queenie's personal servant," said Fiona, "so you are going to tell a Christmas story."
DELPHINE'S POV
"Once upon a time, in the classy, grandiose city of New Orleans, I, Madame Delphine LaLaurie, was holding a ball on Christmas Day. I was anticipating the day every single moment and had given my negro slaves the day off."
Queenie: You didn't give your slaves no day off!
"SILENCE! ...Anyway, the kind, generous woman that I was, had given my negro slaves the day off, where they could laze around and eat chicken. I, on the other hand, was having make-up applied to my beautiful, milk-white face. Then, a negress by the name of Daphne came in. She was like 'Well, sheeyit! If it ain't the Massa's wife hersself! I don' know nuthin about no parties, but I is gonna be lonely this Cris'mas."
Queenie: Oh, come on! Black people don't like that.
Madison: Quiet. Let Miss Aryan Sisterhood tell her story.
"Anyway...the ugly negress spoke foolishness, but I was to listen to her babbling. I told her. 'Listen here, slave. I do not allow negresses in my room!' The negress said 'Sorry, missus. But I don't gots no fambly, and the negroes they done be starvin'. I laughed. 'Oh, the negroes cannot starve on Christmas.' They need a nice, fine meal.' And Daphney said. 'I loves me some watermelon'. Then Daphney made some babbling noises that me, a civilized white woman, could not comprehend. And Queenie, don't Interrupt."
"Daphney told me that I had to bring some food to her family of 15 children. I agreed, so I took a turkey, a bottle of liquor, and a watermelon and went over to Daphney's hovel. Those delightful negroes in her hovel were singing with joy, and they wanted to join in the Christmas spirit. So being the generous woman I am, handed the food out to the poor negroes. The negroes cheered, and one of the negro children said 'When I grow up can I be Madame LaLaurie?'"
Queenie: Wait a minute. What black girl in the right mind would want to be just like you? You a racist bitch who kills slaves.
"SILENCE, VILE NEGRESS! ...The negroes were so delighted. Then they asked me if I could give food to all the negroes of New Orleans. I agreed to this, and I went around town, donating all my food to the poor negroes. And they regarded me as a heroine and praised me for my humanitarian work. And that was the story of my Christmas."
"That was the worst Christmas story ever!" said Queenie. "It was mad racist."
"There's two things I hate," said Fiona, "racism, lies, and bad Christmas stories."
Queenie and Fiona got up and left.
Delphine went to watch "the magic box" to see if it lied. She saw a reporter on TV.
"In other news, over 10,000 Africans have died of Ebola this year."
"I love happy endings," said Delphine.
THE END