I know he doesn't mean to hurt me.
He tells me every time that he'll never do it again.
I used to believe him.
I used to think he tried not to, that he just couldn't control himself.
It's a conscious decision.
I hear footsteps in the hallway and pull the covers over my head.
Maybe if he thinks I'm asleep he'll just leave. Find somewhere else to release all the tension from his job and his girlfriend.
Muttering, the turning of a doorknob. My body goes tense as I listen for the creek that means he's there, in front of my door.
He speaks my name like I'm the bane of his existence. Once, twice, three times. Growing louder.
The door is thrust open, he stands there in shadow. I don't have to look. I've seen it so many times.
I hear his footsteps coming toward me. I shiver under my blanket.
He'll find me. I can't hide from him.
He grabs my shoulder and pulls me to face him.
There's anger in his eyes tonight.
He growls that she broke up with him. That it means he needs more from me tonight.
I've already given him things I didn't know I had.
He pulls down the covers and flips me over. My pants are pulled down. My underwear follows. I cling to my pillow, bury my face in the fabric.
Maybe if I can't hear it, I won't feel it.
I hear the sound of his zipper.
He holds me down and I try not to cry.
He says it will hurt more if I cry.
He always uses lotion, but tonight he is so angry. He pushes in without any.
The pain is terrible.
I scream.
He pushes in deeper.
I scream louder. I beg him to stop.
He tells me to shut up.
He begins to thrust and I can feel my skin tear. Blood runs down my thighs and pools in a warm puddle underneath me.
My vision is getting blurrier.
I can still hear him grunt, still feel the pain, still grab at the pillow.
But just barely.
I start to loose consciousness. I've lost so much blood. I can feel it burning inside me.
I wish he would just kick me in the head.