A Very Avengers Christmas
It was a few days before Christmas, and Avengers tower was filled with the sounds of carols, the pretty Christmas lights that Steve and Thor had put out, and the smell of horribly burnt Christmas cookies.
"Ok, another batch to the trash." Natasha said, using a oven mitt to pull another tray out of the oven. "Seriously, Thor, if I see you anywhere near this oven when this next batch is baking, I will tell Jane not to get you anything for Christmas." She looked at the garbage can next to her, and seeing the overflowing can, looked around the room for the other one.
"But if I use my lightning, they will brown much faster, just like the book said they shall!" Thor boomed, a Santa hat sitting rakishly on his head. "Clinton told me I should do so to quicken the baking process so that we can feast!"
"Clint, stop giving Thor ideas." Steve said, a bowl of dough in his hands. He wore a red and white striped apron, which at this point, was covered in various dough splatters. "Remember what happened last time."
"You know it was hilarious to see him frolic through Central Park in full regalia to battle 'the white bearded man' who was giving things to the children." Clint said from his perch, aka, the top of the busted dishwasher so that he would be out of the way. "Besides, I don't say he has to do any of it. He just chooses to of his own accord."
"That is a pile of bull and you know it." Coulson said, tapping Clint on the head with a roll of parchment paper. The archer gave him a sly grin, readjusting the green and red reindeer antlers on his head. "Now do your share. Keep pressing down the chocolate stars into that tray in front of you, I'll have a few bags for you to take down to the dumpster in a moment."
"Am I allowed to throw them out the window this time, or do I have to walk them down?" Clint asked jokingly. The glare he got from Coulson had him mumbling under his breath, "I'll walk them down, I'll walk them down." Coulson gave him another loving tap on the head, before turning to the overflowing trash cans.
"Has anyone seen Tony?" Bruce asked, carefully measuring out ingredients into a bowl, handing it to Thor to mix.
"He is not allowed into the baking process." Steve said, plopping rounds of dough onto a pan, "He has some unshakable need to have his hands in everything, and I really don't feel like cleaning sugar cookie dough off of the ceiling."
"That was ONE TIME Steve, one time!" Tony shouted from the living room, where he was most likely using JARVIS to eavesdrop on the chaos in the kitchen.
"It took me over 2 hours to clean that ceiling Tony!" Steve shouted back. "If you're good I'll let you ice the gingerbread men."
"If any of them actually turn out." Natasha said, indicating the charred ones that were on the counter, waiting to be scraped off the pans and into the garbage.
"Tash, don't crush his dreams." Coulson said, checking the batch in the oven. "He's just a poor poor genius billionaire playboy philanthropist who has some undeniable need to create chaos in the kitchen while we're baking cookies. And Steve is doing the right thing by making him stay out of the baking process so that we don't have to deal with another cookie dough fight."
"That was a great day." Clint said, closing the bag of chocolate stars and picking up the pan to put on the island by the oven. "There was chocolate chip cookie dough EVERYWHERE and for once I didn't get in trouble for it."
"Because you knew better after the last time you started the food battle." Coulson said, stealing the pan from his boyfriend and kissing him on the cheek. "By the way, I never got to find out how Fury took reading that report."
"If I remember correctly, he wouldn't leave the office for a good hour after reading it and then muttered something about cookie cutters the rest of the day." Natasha said, tying off the end of a garbage bag. "And that's why SHIELD no longer has any cut out cookies at any of their work functions." She held out the bag to Clint, before pointing to the other two leaning by the doorway.
"Ok, that's it, TONY!" Clint shouted into the living room, "Do your fair share and help me haul this to the dumpster!"
"Why should I." Tony complained, leaning into the kitchen. "I thought I wasn't allowed to help."
"You're not allowed in on the baking process." Steve said, a dirty bowl in his hands, "That doesn't save you from taking out the trash. You need to do your fair share or no cookies for you." Tony started to complain, before catching the look on Steve's face.
"Fine, but when it's time to do dishes, I call put away duty." He jokingly glared at Clint, "just looking at what's in the sink now makes me tired."
"I'm fine with washing the dishes." Bruce said from his spot at the table. "I can get them started after I've finished getting all the doughs measured out."
"No need." Coulson said, rolling up his sleeves. "You keep measuring, and I'll start a load of bowls and spatulas." Bruce gave him a shy smile, before turning back to his measurements.
"Alright, we'll be back." Clint said, throwing a trash bag over his shoulder and grabbing another. "Come on Tony, let's get these down to the dumpster."
"Ok, ok, chill out Katniss." Tony muttered, grabbing the last bag. "When we get back can I at least start my plans of cookie domination?"
"If you mean your plan to ice the cookies so that they look like villains so that we can dip them in milk and eat them, sure." Steve said, rolling his eyes. "Now get that trash out before Nat grabs the cookie cutters." At that, Tony spun on his heels, grabbing Clint and dragging him down the hall towards the elevator.
"You know that threat will only work until he makes the suit Natasha proof." Coulson said, his hands full of dirty bowls that he was scraping dough scraps from into the garbage disposal. "And I hope that doesn't happen any time soon."
"I don't think a group has yet Natasha proofed anything." Bruce said, a smear of molasses on his face. "I know that Fury has tried and failed many a time."
"He thought he could keep me out of his office." Natasha said, checking the batch of gingerbread men in the oven, "I just took it as a challenge. I can't help that fact that I made him cry."
"And this is why the men of Midgard should fear the mighty Natasha." Thor proclaimed, his face splattered with dough, "And why the men of Asgard should not try and, I think it was said, 'fuck with her'."
"Thor, don't listen to Tony and Clint. Ever." Coulson said, pointing a spatula at the blonde man. "It only ends up with you looking like a fool or more paperwork for me. And you know I hate paperwork."
"While we're on that subject, were you able to apply for your vacation with Clint for the week of New years?" Steve asked, handing Phil a dirty cookie sheet.
"Well, thankfully, Fury owes me one, after ruining my set of Captain America cards." Phil sighed, "But he is having me take a communicator and GPS unit with me in case there is a Avengers mission that pops up that me and Clint will be needed in."
"So, basically, you're on call." Bruce said, setting aside his measuring implements and picking up a bowl of dough, looking for a clean cookie sheet.
"Yes, a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, just remember that if a scientist goes crazy and tries to destroy New York to get your ass back here so that I don't have to deal with it." Phil replied sarcastically. "But, we do get to take one of the two seater jets from the helicarrier in case we need to get back from Nevada in a hurry."
"And that almost makes it worth it." Natasha says. "He had me take a jet with me when I took Pepper to Honolulu last year."
"Didn't I hear something the week you got back about 'never getting that out of the upholstery'?" Coulson jested, Natasha not even bothering with a dirty glare to her friend.
"If you can make him cry when you return the jet after your holiday, I'll call us even." Natasha stated. "Except for the wearing that rainbow scarf you knitted last winter to the Christmas party. That I need to see."
"And I already informed Clint that he's wearing the matching one." Coulson replied smugly. "I'm not the only one who will have all the junior agents eyes on them."
"This is all still quite confusing to me," Thor murmured, "How is it that this combination of colors that you identify as 'rainbow' signify someone's sexual identity?"
"Thor, we'll explain it over cookies after movie night." Coulson said, handing the god a clean spatula. "We're also going to explain to you the wonder that is claymation, who the hell Rudolph is, and possibly, if we get around to the Santa Claus movies, why you never make a third movie for a series whose second movie wasn't even that good."
"I am looking forward to it!" Thor belted, slamming down the bowl of dough in his hand, which actually stuck to the tabletop that was covered in various sticky cookie dough scraps. He looked down at the bowl bewildered, picking it up before dropping it again, to which it stuck again. Steve, seeing where this was going,took the bowl from Thor's hand, giving him a damp paper towel to wipe the table down with.
Down the hall, the sounds of Clint and Tony returning went hand and hand with the timer sounding for the batch of cookies in the oven. The sound of the two fully grown men running down the hall like children on Christmas morning made the rest of the Avengers laugh, as Bruce came from his spot to remove the first batch of unburnt cookies from the oven.
"I call the first one!" Clint sang, before being interrupted by Tony, who dictated, "No way! First cookie goes to me! It's my tower damn it!" The men came to the doorway of the kitchen to see Natasha wielding a whisk, Steve holding up a cookie sheet as a shield, and Coulson and Thor protecting Bruce from the cookie addicts that were Clint and Tony.
"No cookies for anyone until we make the cookie trays for the party tomorrow evening." Natasha ordered, a look of fierce determination on her face. She left her stance, throwing the whisk into the pan of dirty dish water. She pointed a finger at Clint, saying "Now, you will scoop dough on trays, and you'll keep scooping until the dough is out of the bowls and ready to be baked. And you," she smirked, pointing at Tony, "You are going to go call Pepper and make sure we have the numbers right for the amount of each cookie type we need, and then you are to come back here and do dishes. We're almost out of clean measuring spoons, and when we run out of clean measuring spoons, Bruce will get angry." She smirked evily. "And you all know what happens when darling Bruce gets angry."
Tony and Clint stared at Natasha, obviously judging how relevant the threat was, before straightening up, and replying "Ma'am, Yes Ma'am!", doing joking soldier salutes. Tony stepped out of the room, pulling out his newest Stark phone prototype, heading down the hall to make the call to Pepper, while Clint returned to his perch on the dishwasher, taking a bowl from Phil on his way.
"You really know how to get the troops in line." Steve said, taking a tray from Bruce to transfer to a cooling rack. "Maybe you should lead the Avengers."
"No way no how, Steve-o." Nat joked, patting the super solider on the back. "Trust me, they listen to me when food's involved." At this, Steve laughed, though secretly storing this information in the back of his head for a later date. Maybe he could get the guy to do volunteering events with the incentive of food. He would have to talk to Fury at a later date about the possibility's.
Several hours and trays of cookies later
"NO! RUDOLPH!" Thor shouted at the TV screen, seeing the Abominable Snowman coming up behind the red nosed reindeer. "Never turn you back to a fierce opponent the likes of the Abominable man of snow!" He slammed his fists on the coffee table, shaking the empty milk glasses and cookie plates.
"Thor, please don't break the table. It did nothing to you." Bruce said, coming back to the living room with a cup of hot tea in each hand. He handed the one in the snowman mug to a waiting Natasha, who squeezed his hand appreciatively, not looking away from the screen. He smiled, taking his Christmas tree mug to his spot on the couch next to Tony and Steve, both of whom were looking over drawings in Steve's sketch book.
"Ok, so if we do the base coat tonight, then tomorrow we can use the colored frostings to make the hero-bread men." Tony commented, looking at the freakishly detailed cookie designs Steve had come up with. "I still don't see why we can't just do it all tonight."
"Tony, i don't know about you, but i feel like sitting here and watching silly yet sentimental Christmas films, and then going to my nice warm bed and not moving until morning." Clint said, his eyes closed and his head on Coulson's shoulder. "And maybe then I will be willing to spend what may very well be hours icing those fucking gingerbread cookies."
"Besides, the party's tomorrow, and I don't think Pepper would appreciate coming to pick up a crew of icing covered Avengers." Steve said, licking his thumb and rubbing a chocolate stain off of Tony's face. " Besides, I'll start after the movies and then hopefully by the time you guys get up in the morning i can have a few batches iced and on the trays."
"I'm taking that a few batches means we'll come down tomorrow and find pretty much all of the gazillion gingerbreads iced, and you having gotten no sleep what so ever." Tony remarked, before looking up at Steve affectionately. "OR after movies we all help get the base icing on the cookies, and we can all get a few z's and then get up in the morning to finish them."
"Tony, I think this has less to do with you wanting your boyfriend to get some sleep, and more to do with wanting to make sure that you get a larger ratio of Iron Man cookies on each cookie tray." Bruce acknowledged, lightly prodding him with a pen from his pocket. "And we have talked about this. If we're doing Avengers cookies, there is going to be the same amount of each Avenger on each tray. So, if you want to put three Iron Man cookies on a tray, you need to put three of everyone else as well."
"But come on! Look at what we're going to have to do for Nat's hair!" Tony insisted, holding up the sketch book. "That is going to take forever! All mine takes is laying the little template i made last year and running it over with a airbrush!"
"And that, folks, is how you prove that Iron Man has thought of everything." Coulson said, snatching up the sketch pad. "How'd you make the template?"
"Umm, letting JARVIS loose with the practical design and some food safe plastic?" Tony pondered. "I think that's what i did, anyway. I don't remember most of the schematics, all i can really remember is cackling in the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning with the airbrush set and singing a song of my own creation about creating a cookie army."
"And people wonder why we don't let you have Tom and Jerry's." Clint said, looking at the sketch over his boyfriend's shoulder. "Hey, JARVIS, can you make up another set of templates for these puppies?"
"Of course, they are being completed as we speak." JARVIS replied, "They will be waiting in the foodsafe printer in the kitchen cabinet closest to the pantry, on the top shelf. Would someone please remind Sir next time he has a moment to restock the plastic sheets in printer slot B."
"Will do, Jarvis." Tony said, saluting the ceiling. "Well, now that that's solved, and it's inevitable that Rudolph is going to save Christmas, can we please switch to Santa Claus. I'm sorry, but it makes me so happy to see dear old Santa Claus fall off of the roof."
"We shall wait until the end of this tale of victory against all odds!" Thor proclaimed, starting to slam his fists on the table again, before remembering Bruce's words, stopping an inch before he hit the tabletop."I would like to see Rudolph revel in his victory against those who wronged him so!"
"Ok, we'll watch till the end, but I do request we put the part of Santa sliding off the roof on repeat a few times." Natasha said. Everyone looked at her questioningly, to which she bluntly replied, "I know I am not the only one in this room who finds it completely and utterly hilarious to see a jolly fat man fall off of a roof."
"Who agrees to keep Nat happy and play said part multiple times until we want to continue the movie?" Coulson said, raising his hand. The rest of the crew raised their hands in usion, wishing to make Natasha happy.
"Ok, so, are we going to watch the first Santa Claus movie and then do icing, or do we want to watch the entire series until everybody falls asleep?" Tony asked, looking up at Steve. Steve smiled, ruffling Tony's hair.
"Let's wait till Thor falls asleep, and then we can go ice cookies." Steve replied, kissing Tony on the cheek. "Until then, lets have some lovely Christmas pop culture enrichment."
"I couldn't agree more." Tony said, curling into Steve's arms. He watched the screen, the ending credits for Rudolph scrolling, the 'Christmas Joy' spilling over him, though he had a sneaking suspicion that it really was just regular joy, during the holiday season. But, he would say it was Christmas Joy, to make Steve happy.