Harry Potter and the Righteous Salvation of Fundamentalist Christianity
By Ikiruko
- DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters, Harry Potter, etc. nor do I claim to. J.K. Rowling does. -
"Sirius... no... where are you? Stop hiding, it's not funny... Wh- AHH!" Harry screamed and ran to the door in front of him. It was locked tight, with bolts shaped like Dobby's head. He cried as he frantically tried to wrench it open, to no avail. Turning, he threw up his arms as a gigantic wheel of cheese rolled closer and closer-
"NO!" he screamed into his pillow, flailing wildly as Hedwig flew above his head, screeching. "Wha-?" He sat upright, staring into the cool twilight of Privet Drive in the early morning hours. He rubbed his eyes, then fell back onto the tangle of sheets and sighed heavily. At least this night was a change - he'd much rather have murderous wheels of cheese than Snape killing Dumbledore (BITCH!) every night. There was no way he could return to sleep, he had to get up and do something, but what? He unwrapped himself from the sheets and began to feverishly pace his bedroom, the cold carpet welcoming his sweaty feet.
He, Harry, bore the weight of the world on his bony shoulders, the responsibility of being the only one who could vanquish Voldemort. The only problem was, he didn't know how. He was a mediocre, relatively untalented boy who barely got by stealing the work of his sinfully promiscuous lady friend. They spent night after ungodly night in the steamy common room, Harry ogling Hermione's tempting figure (he just knew there wasn't a chastity belt under that far-from-knee-length skirt, nor a promise ring on those soft, skilled fingers) while demons danced in the fire. Unfortunately, now she was far too busy whoring herself to every wizard with a long enough wand to help Harry anymore (Ron's was bigger).
But what could he do? He'd tried looking for Horcruxes, but had found nothing, and frankly he'd much rather smoke pot, sacrifice babies, give his body to Satan and practice all the other abominations of witchcraft. Actually, that sounded like a good idea. He bent to fish his stash out of his trunk, and his eye landed on a book on Dudley's virgin shelf that was much larger than the others. He decided it couldn't hurt to open it and see if it could help him somehow, so he crossed the room. He removed it, choked on the billowing cloud of dust that followed, and threw it onto his desk with a resounding thud.
He ran his fingers across the cover, and the peeling gold letters that spelt "HOLY BIBLE... KING JAMES VERSION." Sitting down, he flipped to a random place inside the book and read, "That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." He continued reading, so deeply that the page rustled slightly as his nose brushed the aged paper. Suddenly, it hit him. He was floored. It was so obvious, he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. He flew from his chair and began pacing once more. "All I have to do is pray!" His voice trembled with excitement. Kneeling in front of the window, he cried, "Dear Father, I beg of you, help me defeat Lord Voldemort!" His voice echoed around the room. Nothing much happened. Patiently, he tried again. Hedwig gave an annoyed screech. "Muffliato!" He pointed his wand at the door, maintaining the protective barrier that kept his aunt and uncle from hearing the sounds coming from his room. "Wait, that's it!"
He jumped back into the chair and shuffled through the book. Hours later, as the sun began to peek through the window, he finally sat up. "Okay, this book is painfully boring, but I think the gist of it is that only Jesus and the Father are allowed to use magic. I hope. I'm certainly not going back through there to make sure." He knelt at the window once more, wand in hand. "I hope I'm doing the right thing." As he snapped it in half, red smoke swirled and left through the window, and he thought he might have heard a few notes of phoenix song. "Father, I renounce my evil ways, I renounce magic, and I give myself to your Goodness and Graciousness. I beg of you, help me defeat Lord Voldemort!"
Something happened this time. He was showered in blinding golden light, and the remains of his wand burst into flames. He had found Salvation.