This takes place after the Bonnie and Annalise scene in 4x10
When Nate opened the door, he had hoped that their paths wouldn't cross directly and this personal for a long time to come. But apparently, bonding with someone required as much drain on his emotions. Something even a friend would underestimate.
"Hi," Bonnie's hands were empty as she offered an apologetic smile.
He was impressed. Not only in her arrival at his apartment, but also in the woman's appearance. It wasn't something that was becoming of her to give in to degradation like this. At least that is what he labelled it as. Because she was always decked out in her pants suits and familiar shirts at the DA's office, including heels to match.
This time though, Bonnie had slipped through an awful long sleeved grey sweater that hung way past her hips with black leggings. Her blonde hair was a total mess. He had to internally laugh whilst choking on the obvious statement blaring in his mind; that she really needed a brush. Even her shoes were terribly out of place. Grey sneakers.
"I guess that since a bottle of alcohol is missing," he smiled wryly, "this means not even getting wasted would solve anything."
"You were right," as he stepped aside, she slipped in, moving slowly as if the world was on her shoulders. "I'm back on the Annalise crack and guess what?" tears already brimmed in those eyes, "I'm never going to get off of it."
"Like I said before," Nate assessed her demeanor again and frowned, feeling her pain and understanding exactly how conflicting things could become, "it's not easy. And to be frank, it looks like you're having a harder time than me."
At first she did not offer up a reply. But merely moved to the chair and ran her fingers lightly over the back of it. Then as if giving up completely, Bonnie crumbled onto the piece.
Legs spread apart, she hung her head low and ran fingers through terribly disheveled blonde hair. "I saw her tonight."
Impressive.
He slowly sat on the one piece and stared. "And?"
"She came to apologize to me because Frank asked her to. But it was obvious that she was there for other reasons." Bonnie shrugged, pulling at her fingers and appearing uncomfortable. "She always needs me the most when there is something I have to do. And in this case, as much as she lied about it, her main reason for coming to me was for me to do that one big thing."
"What one big thing?" he was curious. Wouldn't hurt him to ask. Why the hell not?
But Bonnie merely smiled.
It was enough for him to sigh and accept the fact that no more information would be unearthed. She wasn't here to talk about that area.
"Okay, so what happened then?" Nate leaned forward, and laced his fingers together.
"Before we continue," Bonnie frowned, "are you still in love with her?" She considered him with those dark eyes as if intent was being searched for.
"Aren't we both?" he replied in a measured tone. His gaze was cool.
Twisting the ends of the sleeves on her sweater, her shoulders moved as she sunk back into the chair and appeared itchy about the question.
He didn't need to even explore the option any further. It was as clear as anything else. Conflict. And he had seen this before. Nate had one too many gay friends in the police department who used to struggle with their feelings. With their true self. Whilst pushing away all the doubts and terrible labels everyone else wanted to stick on them. He was well aware. And right in that moment, he could literally see Bonnie struggling with herself.
"Are you?" he tried again.
She groaned. "I don't know anymore. I…" she clamped her lips shut and glanced away as a tear slid down her cheek.
"First thing is, you need to know." He was being honest with her. But he needed to be. "Check yourself. Your actions for example. How you feel. And then answer me."
"It's not that simple."
"Then how is it that I already know the answer?" He offered a small smile, just to, at least display to her that the truth would never push him away.
"Then why ask me?" she shook her head and frowned.
"Because you need to accept the truth." He sat back. "That you're in love with Annalise. And it's not about you loving her as a friend. Or seeing her as a mother. It's about you wanting more than just that."
Bonnie's chest heaved as she gazed at him. Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked slowly. "Connor thinks we slept with each other. You and me."
"This is not about what Connor thinks. That is irrelevant because none of that happened," Nate countered in a level tone. "Back to the topic, Bonnie. What else happened tonight?"
"Okay, I screwed up," she sat forward quickly and buried her face in her hands. "I really. Screwed up. But I had to because I can't cut her out of my life. I need her in it. I need to. See her. To be around her. And the only way I could have that is to lie."
This wasn't acceptable. "What did you tell Annalise?" he was concerned. Both for her and the woman who obviously had delivered mixed signals.
"I told her. That I am not in love with her," Bonnie whispered through her fingers. She barely peeked at him but then retreated to concealing herself behind a fragile shield; shaky hands. "Just so that I could still have all those things."
Nate couldn't believe it. But he understood how defense mechanisms worked. Where one party wanted to sacrifice anything, as painful as it would become, just to simply treasure the other person's presence.
"I get it that she responded in a negative way the night you opened up to her," he remembered from their last conversation. "And I'm not trying to be therapist here but a friend. But you can't tell someone something and then take back your words. It changes the game and it changes their perspective on you. How did she take it when you told her?"
"She didn't say anything," Bonnie wiped her face, wet with tears and sighed. "She just sat there and gave me this sad, and disappointed look. Because she's always disappointed me in."
"If she's always disappointed in you, then why did she keep you around for all these years?" he frowned. "Why did she go to your apartment tonight, even after you two fell out, just to have a conversation? That says a lot. Nobody tells Annalise what to do. She moves to her own tune and you know it. So that means, going to you was her decision, not Frank's. So it means that she cares."
She was silent for a while. He feared that nothing else would be said. Bonnie seemed to be the kind of woman who closed off when situations backed her into a corner. She could be really confrontational too. Something she mastered from Annalise's upbringing.
"We bonded so much tonight, that I am still really raw over it all. I can't believe we actually had that kind of conversation. She never really talks to me about personal things. But she revealed so much to me tonight that I was pulled in deeper and I was dying inside. And there was this one point where I wanted to tell her that maybe I could fall in love with her because of how perfectly flawed she is. Just like me. Maybe I could," Bonnie inhaled deeply and played with her fingers, eyes downcast, "go there."
"But then it would contradict another lie, and you've already lied once. She wouldn't like that." Nate saw such an easy solution through this but Bonnie was taking the hard way out. "You're covering your ass just to keep yourself in her good books. But suppose that what you're feeling for her is mutual?"
Immediately, she stared at him. Of course she was dumbfounded. Then confused. Those narrowed eyes suggested an analysis being done on his words being genuine. Then she sank back into the chair with a sigh and gave in to denial.
"It isn't. Annalise isn't…into women. She's clearly not going to ever be into me." Her voice was so smaller than usual.
"Are you sure about that?" He leaned forward.
"Don't play mind games with me," she warned, shooting a glare in his direction. "I've had enough of that and I really don't like the feeling it gives me."
"What makes you think that Annalise wouldn't be into you?" He was swinging in the dark here. Obviously Annalise displayed far more than that inclination but there was still one major factor to consider. Something that had changed his perspective on her.
"Because I'm the wrong gender?" Bonnie offered up, appearing frustrated. "She sees me like her daughter. Or worst. A disappointment."
"That's not true. You mean more to her than you think."
"I hardly can even believe that you would know the complicated relationship she has with me." The blonde was rather tense. Her disposition displayed as much.
Nate sighed. "There are certain things people can't hide from others. Me being included, and I'm not bragging here. But Annalise and I would talk a lot about personal stuff. Your name," he considered her with a smug look, "always came up in the most unusual circumstances."
"How?" Bonnie searched his face. She was still tugging at her fingers. Something that seemed to be a nervous habit of hers.
"Let's just say that you've managed to get deep under her skin, more than even Frank."
The two of them looked at each other.
She glanced away and shook her head. "Is that it?" Bonnie was growing impatient. "You've just told me something I already know. I don't understand how that's supposed to make me feel better."
"Eve," he said basically. If they were going to do this the hard way as she wished, then hitting the nail on the head was probably the best approach.
They stared at each other.
Bonnie blinked. "What about her?"
He actually smiled. "How much do you really know about her?"
Bonnie shrugged, frowning. "I know that she's a good lawyer. She took your case and won. She's…been friends with Annalise for over a decade…"
"Friends, huh?" he offered her a humored look.
"Because that's what they are…" Bonnie frowned, obviously switching into overload as mixed emotions rose to the surface. "They look out for each other."
"Is that what Annalise told you?" He was impressed.
"She did."
"You're so high on the Annalise crack, you can't even see what's right in front of you." Shaking his head, he sat back and sighed.
"I don't understand," Bonnie said in a smaller voice. She tugged at the neck of her sweater and scowled.
"You're letting yourself go. Not cool. The hair. The granny look. Not cool at all." He smiled wider.
The blonde's chest heaved. She had accepted defeat on that. "Don't change the topic."
Nate sighed. "Annalise and Eve were girlfriends," he said matter-of-factly. "Law school girlfriends. Not friends. But they must have slept with each other. More than twice."
She was already shaking her head because it was ridiculous to even believe in such a thing.
"And don't worry about me telling a lie. Eve made it clear to me the first time we met. Annalise and I talked about it. They had fun. And here you are," he gestured at her, "sitting and sulking, honestly believing that you're in this alone. When she's been with a woman right under your nose and you had no idea about it. Or maybe you did because I can't understand how that slipped away from you."
Bonnie's eyes were as wide as saucers. But when she blinked, those eyes leaked tears. She sat back and stared at him with a pained expression on her face that clearly meant that the truth indeed hurts.
"She never told me any of this. But she told you." Her wound, the one that used to be continuously scraped at in regards to Nate being Annalise's lover opened up again.
"Don't you get it?" he asked, staring at her. "She never told you because she never believed that you would accept it. Maybe she thought you would judge her for being that way."
"Annalise never cared about revealing her true self to me," Bonnie's tone was clipped. "I've seen her at her worst. Ever. So why did she feel the need to keep me in the dark about this?"
"That's what you need to ask her," he pressed on. "I don't mind if you use my name in this because I'm not scared of her. I've been one too many times beaten down by her so I've got stamina to face her. But you deserved to know the truth. That's why I told you."
"I don't believe you, Nate," Bonnie sent him a cold look. "I just…" she shrugged, "don't."
"Why would I lie?" and he leant forward, offering up nothing but an honest display of openness. "Hmm? Especially about something like this. To defame her? Hell no. She's got some real courage to come over here and kick my ass if I lied about something like that."
"This is ridiculous," Bonnie shook her head and looked away. She reached up to wipe a tear away swiftly then shrugged. "All this time, she's been keeping this. Secret from me. About Eve. And she behaved as if my feelings were plaguing her with death."
Nate sighed. He considered her with cool eyes and felt at least contented that they were going somewhere. Regardless of if Annalise felt the same about Bonnie, the latter needed to know that sometimes the depth of our beliefs might not be fully fueled by all there is. There could be more. There was more. And he needed to shake Annalise up a little. After all, she wasn't exactly in his good books at the moment.
"Thank you for telling me," she finally managed to say after a long time. Their eyes met and something passed between them.
It wasn't just hurt, he noticed. But hope. At least from this standpoint, Bonnie could refrain from feeling left out. Knowing that Annalise had been so inclined. Knowing that both of them had been there with certain feelings and nothing was wrong with that. Not the way Annalise had blown up. It wasn't accepting to do that. In fact, he had been angry with her response to Bonnie's confession. Her, out of everyone else. The woman who had a girlfriend and concealed it from her husband and her closest ally.
When she left that night, she wasted no time in holding up the pent up confusion whirling around inside. She took her car and drove around Annalise's new neighborhood for a while whilst thinking of how to approach the situation. Of course they couldn't fight about this. Not after the place they had reached that night. Somewhere deeper on so many levels. And now, she needed answers. She really did.
When Bonnie faced the door, her heart flopped wildly like a fish out of water. Her hands were drained of blood. Paler and cold and trembling.
Eve.
She was shaking inside.
After all she had done for her. All the times Annalise crumbled and she picked her up. Sheltered her. Soothed her. Reassured her that she was above all, important. And yet they couldn't be honest with each other?
Two raps. She waited then pressed the buzzer. Hoping that Annalise was inside there because Bonnie knew that she wouldn't sleep a wink that night.
But then there were footsteps. And the peephole was spied through. Then a small pause and the door was being unlatched.
When they faced each other, it wasn't like before. No. Something had really changed between them. Over the years they had peeled away each other's layers but tonight, the last layer had been pulled away. To reveal a bond so deep that of course like she had said, no husband, wife or girlfriend would ever feel the magnitude of what they had between them. It was so much more.
"Bonnie, what's wrong?" Annalise frowned.
The blonde inhaled deeply and without answering, she let herself in.
All the time, for about two minutes, what passed between them was sweet and poisonous tension. Something that took Bonnie's breath away and weakened her knees. She was giving herself a third chance here. The first chance had been the truth. The second a lie to cover up the truth out of love. And now this. This would be the one part in her life where she could either lose the most important person to her or win.
"Eve," she said standing by the window with her back facing Annalise.
There was silence. Bonnie stared down at the street below. The night was dead already.
"What about her?" Annalise asked in a soft tone. But had the blonde turned around, she would have seen so much more. The alarming look. The emotions twisting on the older woman's face.
"You were lovers," Bonnie didn't turn around. To her, this was advantageous. Knowing that her message, her hurt and pain from being left in the dark would be revealed so much more if they didn't make eye contact. It meant that she wouldn't cry easily. Looking Annalise in the face made her break down faster.
"Bonnie, I…" the older woman stopped. She stumbled on her words.
"You never told me. You never said anything to me. Nothing. At all." Her voice trembled. "I had to hear it from Nate."
"So you went to Nate's apartment tonight after we talked?" Annalise sounded wounded. "Did you sleep with him?"
"I would…never do that after we talked tonight," Bonnie finally turned around and her eyes brimmed with tears. "When we talked, I felt as if everything wasn't just complicated between us. But everything runs so much deeper than anything we feel for other people. That's why I always thought you were honest with me. But you thought that it was okay to lie to me. All these years. About Eve. About the two of you being more than friends. Girlfriends –"
"Bonnie –"
"And then," the blonde interrupted, "when I told you that I love you, you acted as if what I said to you was like me throwing acid in your face. How could you do that to me?" Her voice trembled even more. She broke down. "How in the world could you do that to the one person who has had your back all these years? The one person who would do…anything…for you."
"I lied, I know that," Annalise said passionately, tears leaking down her cheeks already. "And I was wrong for doing that. But you didn't need to know. That's what I thought. You didn't need to know."
"Why?" Bonnie glared at her. She sniffed.
"Because…" Annalise was shaking her head, "I thought that you wouldn't want to know. The same with Sam." Her eyes had grown wider. "You always didn't want to get in."
"Even after what has happened between us recently?" The blonde's eyes were icy. "All that you said? For me to go away and never come back? For me to stop saying that one word that I thought you could never understand? Not in that context? But you did? And you lived it too?"
"Eve was a beautiful mistake in my life that was necessary for me –"
"And I'm nothing," Bonnie said dryly. She strode away and threw up her hands. "I'm nothing to you." The air grew colder. Her fingertips were so numb.
"I never said that," Annalise followed. "I said those things because I wanted you to realize that you don't need me in your life. That's why I fired you. We went through this before."
"But there's just one thing about all of this that you will never appreciate but you obviously understand," Bonnie stopped and faced the older woman. They were merely six inches apart.
"That you care for me? I know that," Annalise's lips quivered. "I know that Bonnie."
"Eve?" the blonde's eyes brimmed with tears. "Even after all I've done for you, all these years. When you were so low, I stayed with you. When you tried to let yourself go, I brought you back. And she just showed up after so many years and she won."
"This is not about Eve," the older woman said. "This is about me and you. Eve is in the past."
They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Some small part in between those minutes, Bonnie found that the pain faded away from her chest and she began to breathe again.
It wasn't just about what Annalise had said; that Eve was in her past. But the magnitude of the effect their proximity had on her mind, body and soul. The feeling of being entirely overwhelmed and bewitched. Of casting her eyes upon a woman who had changed her life, and broken her into tiny pieces and then glued every part together again.
"I lied tonight," the blonde folded her arms and tears streamed down her cheeks. "About not being in love with you. I lied. Because I thought that you would keep on despising me for feeling this way. So the only option I had was to lie just so that I could still have you in my life. Even if it meant putting myself through hell every time I see you, and knowing that you could never be mine. That you could never love me back the way I love you."
"Bonnie," Annalise croaked.
"I know what I want, Annalise. Just like I told you before. And since I know that you're well aware of how I feel about you, and the magnitude of it, then there's only one thing left for us to do."
"Don't do this," Annalise pleaded.
"Either you be honest with me about your life including all the small things or you don't and I walk out of here and we never talk to each other again."
"Bonnie –"
"I mean it," the blonde said. "You can't make me feel alone and expect to mean something to me, even if it's not in the way I want things to be between us."
When the older woman didn't reply, Bonnie simply skirted around Annalise and headed for the door. Her mind was already made it. They couldn't keep lying to each other like this. In fact, she had been entirely honest with Annalise. Completely honest. And trust worked both ways.
"I lied too," Annalise caught up with her and held onto Bonnie's right shoulder. "Look at me. Please."
Turning around, she literally felt so cold. "We've already established that."
"No," Annalise said quickly, out of breath as some kind of emotion overwhelmed her. "I'm not only talking about Eve. I'll tell you all you need to know about her. That wasn't a lie. It was a choice on my part to keep you in the dark. However," she sensed how impatient Bonnie was getting and exhaled, "there is something else that I lied about."
"Here we go," Bonnie threw up her hands and shook her head. "You killed Sam. You…know who killed Wes and never said. You always do this and then –"
"I have feelings for you too," Annalise interrupted, her eyes wide. "Okay? I have these feelings for you and I've always had them. And I'm scared. Always have been. That you…would never feel the same." Annalise reached up and dabbed at her wet cheeks. "I've said this countless times to myself that I'm not and never was like Eve. But since I met you so many years ago on that stand, I felt something that never went away."
Bonnie couldn't breathe. She stood there, dumbfounded and swallowed hard. "What?" her tone was softer, almost inaudible.
"You were infatuated with Sam. Not me."
"It was never Sam," Bonnie said. Her face contorted as she tried to hold back the tears. "It was always…you."
"I'm going to continue ruining you if you give in," Annalise's voice trembled as she avoided eye contact and her shoulders slumped. "I always ruin people. I ruined Eve. I chose Sam over her and for what? To have myself shamed and verbally abused. Now I'm going to do the same thing to you."
Bonnie braved it all and took two steps forward. Slowly though. Until there were just two inches between them. Her eyes offered such a soft look, that same look caressed Annalise's heart without them even touching.
"You can't ruin someone who has hit rock bottom already," the blonde said quietly.
"I'm sorry," Annalise's face contorted as she gave into crying softly.
"Why?"
"That I…lied."
To compel herself from doing it would have required all of her strength. Therefore, Bonnie lifted cupped fingers and gently brushed Annalise's right cheek. It was the softest touch ever. Something that had happened between them before but this time, that gesture carried so much more feelings.
They felt it. Annalise lifted her eyes and their gaze turned into one so deep and intimate that it immediately astounded Bonnie. Realizing that she was being looked at in such a way. A way Annalise had never looked at her before. It was like she meant the whole world to one person and nobody else could understand the depth. The sincerity. The desire that welled up inside of her and ate up the pain.
"You need time off from all the drama to focus on yourself," Bonnie said, still caressing Annalise's face. "To focus on what you want. What's best for you. How you're feeling. To sort yourself out."
"I can't right now," Annalise said quietly. She inhaled deeply as the tension between them grew thicker. "Laurel needs me."
Bonnie sighed. It ate away at her but she nodded. "Because you feel her pain."
"See?" Annalise laughed a little, although tears slipped out of her eyes, "I didn't even have to explain that to you. You already knew."
"I know you better than anyone else," Bonnie said, "you know that."
"It kills me when we're not together."
And in one swift move, the blonde moved in and wrapped her arms gingerly around the other woman's warm body. It was evident from the second their bodies met in such an intimate way, that Annalise was desperately craving all of it. She melted, a hoarse moan escaping from between parted lips as her nose was buried into choppy blonde hair. The smell of rosemary. And vanilla. And the softness of Bonnie's hair.
They stayed that way for a long time, whilst the night around them unfolded and rolled forward in such a stillness that countered their beating hearts. For a moment, both of them felt so much at home in each other's arms than they had ever felt anywhere else. It was so deep. And intense. And a reminder that people could connect by having their souls wrap around each other.
"Look at me," Bonnie finally whispered, drawing her face away from the crook of Annalise's soft shoulder.
The blonde lightly pressed their foreheads together. They gazed at each other. Their breathing grew heavier. And then, Annalise allowed their noses to brush together.
It was such a simple show of affection that was innocent and true, that Bonnie had to smile. Her cheeks flushed as nervous fingers reached up to tuck dark strands of the older woman's hair behind an ear. Those fingers stayed there, caressing. Her other hand wound its way around Annalise's soft hips, pulling her closer so that she could feel every inch of her. And just like that, they swayed together.
"I can't breathe," Annalise croaked, feeling as if her heart would explode.
Bonnie's eyes fluttered close. "I never can when you're close to me either."
They continued to move together as the older woman ran her fingers through disheveled blonde hair. As she felt Bonnie burning up and the feel of warm breath on her lips.
Then, she couldn't deny it any longer. Annalise trembled even before doing something that would change them forever. She understood that there were really no boundaries between them at all and grew even more courageous. But it didn't stop her body from trembling like a leaf when she brushed her lips on Bonnie's parted ones.
The feeling alone was so unbelievable. It wasn't like before when they had shared a deeper kiss. Because alcohol had clouded her mind. However, this time she was fully sober and able to treasure every second, the softness of Bonnie's lips and the way the blonde shook a little from that one intimate contact between them.
Both of them gazed at each other after that moment. Neither could say a word. Bonnie, instead, leaned in and buried her face into Annalise's neck where she pressed kisses on a weak spot just below the older woman's jawline. And she kept kissing her there, then inching upwards until her lips were returning to fuller red lips.
"Bonnie," Annalise whispered, feeling herself open up and responding in a way that displayed longing.
The blonde's lips moved to the shell of the older woman's ear. "I have to go," Bonnie whispered.
It was enough to send so many thrills down Annalise's body, enough to curl her toes even more. "Don't," she managed to say.
"I'll see you whenever I can," Bonnie said, taking a step back and untangling them from each other slowly. It was painful. So painful to witness the look on the older woman's face that signaled utter pain from withdrawal already. "Don't look so sad," she pleaded. "Look where we are now. It's more than what any of us dreamed we would be. I'll see you around."
"Stay," Annalise begged one more time, holding onto the blonde's hand.
"I really can't. We both need to work on our complicated relationship for a while. I like talking. Talking helps. I want to bond with you on this new level we're on."
"So no kissing, you mean," Annalise smiled although appearing quite wounded as she lowered her eyes. "I get it. I've been horrible to you. And now you're punishing me for it."
"This is not me punishing you," Bonnie frowned. "This is me trying to give us room to work on what we have so that we can heal each other. I love you." The blonde squeezed the older woman's hand. "I'm never going to move past that."
And just as they had begun, they slowly created distance between themselves as the blonde found her way light headed down the elevator. She reached up and pressed two fingers on her parted lips. Still feeling Annalise's lips on hers. Still feeling Annalise's beating heart. The way the older woman melted into her. All that had happened so suddenly.
Bonnie went to her car and sat there for a long time gazing up at the window where her apartment was. The apartment where they had almost shared their second kiss but the first meaningful one. And when she saw Annalise's shadow behind the blind, the blonde held her breath. The blind fluttered and then for what may seem like a remarkable thing, Bonnie felt as if Annalise knew she was there, in the car.
Xx