Story: Dynasty Idiots Part 3: Epic Lunacy Remastered
Authors: Master Jin Sonata
Written: September 19th, 2009
Remastered: July 3rd, 2016
Genre: Humor
Rating: T (Language, Violence)
Disclaimer: I do not own Koei, or their bumbling Chinese heroes
Chapter 1: The Wei of Silliness
Wei Castle Throne Room
Cao Cao sat on his throne, drinking a glass of wine when suddenly someone bursts through the doors of his royal chambers.
It was Dian Wei.
"Lord Cao Cao, you're gonna love my ass!" Dian Wei says proudly to him.
Cao Cao spits out his drink upon hearing those words.
"What the hell did you just say?!" Cao Cao demands.
Dian Wei turns around whistles, causing a donkey to walk into the throne room shortly after.
"See? I'd like to meet your new ride, my lord," Dian Wei says to his leader.
"…I sent you out to buy me a noble white steed…not some run-down donkey, you jackass," Cao Cao says with a sigh, face-palming at the fact that all his extra funds were spent on this.
"Well he was on sale! Besides, he does tricks!" Dian Wei insists.
"…Tricks? Oh this ought to be good…" Cao Cao says, rolling his eyes.
Dian Wei turns around and claps his hands twice.
"Doneky, sit!" Dian Wei commands the animal.
The donkey immediately leaps forward, landing on top of Cao Cao's lap, nearly cutting of his circulation to his gut and became very uncomfortable as one of the donkey's hooves her dug into his crotch.
All Cao Cao could do was stare angrily at Dian Wei, a look that says 'Get this thing off of me, NOW!'
Dian Wei promptly removes the animal and smiles nervously at his lord.
"I'll uh…see if dinner is ready, my lord," Dian Wei says, scooting himself out of the throne room, not wanting to feel the impending wrath and anger of his lord and master.
Mess Hall
Meanwhile in the castle's mess hall, a very hungry Xu Zhu was in the kitchen shaking the refrigerator up and down as if it weighed nothing. This frustrated him due to the fact that a pad-lock was installed on the door.
Cao Pi, walking by the entrance, stops and stares at Xu Zhu and the fridge from behind, taking note now of the pelvic-thrust motion that he saw from his angle.
"What are you looking at, dear?" Zhen Ji asks her husband as she approaches him seconds later.
"…It's Xu Zhu…he's humping the refrigerator again…I think I'll order Chinese for dinner instead…" Cao Pi says with a disgusted look.
Sima Yi's Office
Within Sima Yi's office down the hall, he was drafting out a proposal to his lord Cao Cao so he could get a pay raise and a promotion in rank.
"Muahaha! This well-crafted proposal will ensure my much-deserved promotion up the military ladder. Now, let's review this before I send it off," Sima Yi says to himself.
"That won't do…you're only setting yourself up for failure," says a voice behind him.
Sima Yi jumped from his seat and spun around to find his rival, Zhuge Liang standing there over his shoulder.
"What the hell?! What are you doing in my office, Zhuge?!" Sima Yi demands, catching his breath from the surprise visit.
"You invited me here, remember? You were so into your proposal you forgot you asked for my assistance in drafting this with you. And as I already mentioned, it's no good," Zhuge Liang says to him.
"Oh…well, what do you know? There's no need to make any adjustments to this, and I will prove that to you right now!" Sima Yi says to him in an uptight manner, taking his proposal and storming out of his office.
Ten minutes later after giving his promotion pitch to Cao Coa, Sima Yi returns to his office wearing a janitor's uniform, holding a toilet brush in one hand while the scroll his proposal was written on was halfway sticking out of his mouth. He spat out the scroll and glared at Zhuge Liang.
"…Get out…" he says with much malice in his voice.
"Very well, enjoy your so called 'promotion'," Zhuge says as he casually exits his office.
"Screw you!" Sima Yi shouts back at him.
Continue on to the next chapter!