Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 4
EPISODE 4
Airdate: October 30, 2015
"The Halloween from Hell"
Special Guest Stars: Curtis Harris as Miles Preston, Benjamin "Lil' P-Nut" Flores, Jr. as Louie Preston, Chico Benymon as Ray Preston, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is watching TV when a yellow envelope comes through the mail slot. He looks at it for a few seconds and scratches his head.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The main five all meet up at Buster's locker.
SPARKY: So I'm not the only one who got this yesterday?
BUSTER: I guess not. I got one too.
JAYLYNN: What's it say? I didn't read it, I thought it was for overdue library books or some shit.
WADE: It's an invitation. "You're cordially invited to Sanna's Halloween Monster Mania Ball on October 31. Refreshments will be served, along with all-night dancing and a special Halloween surprise for everyone. RSVP as soon as possible."
BUSTER: What a forced title.
SPARKY: I guess we can all go together in the same car. I just wonder what our costumes would be.
JAYLYNN: You and Halley could go together as a pair. You know, that's if Sanna cared enough about her to invite her at all.
WADE: Your vendetta against Halley is unsettling.
JAYLYNN: What vendetta, it's just our thing.
SPARKY: Their friendship is complicated.
BUSTER: Hey RK. What are you going as? I want to make sure we don't conflict so we don't have a repeat of last year.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster is at his condo dressed as The Flash, one year ago.
BUSTER: Yes, I'm going to have the sickest costume tonight!
Buster hears the doorbell and gets it. The camera does not follow him and remains pointed at the couch.
BUSTER: Hey R...WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU WEARING?!
END OF CUTAWAY
RK is not paying attention to Buster as he is reading the newspaper.
BUSTER: RK, I'm not talking to myself here! Hello?! Ugh, I feel so overlooked sometimes.
RK: What? Oh, sorry Buster, I was caught up in today's paper.
WADE: Since when do you read the newspaper?
RK: Ever since I found out about this article!
BUSTER: "Unarmed White Man Choked to Death by Eight Cops." Hm, that's different.
RK: Not that one. According to The Seattle Times, 25-year-old Logan Bradford found out that his house was haunted several years ago. Now the company that manufactures the newspaper is paying Bradford $100,000 to take a tour of his house and dig up info for the public.
SPARKY: Did he sell the movie rights? Sparky slaps his knee and starts cackling, but no one else is amused, not even RK. I tried something, damn.
RK: You know what? Forget Sanna's Muslim party, I'm sick and tired of everyone getting rich and famous before I do.
WADE: What does her religion have to do with it?
JAYLYNN: RK, you've been rich and famous before.
RK: Yeah, but I'm right back where I started every week. I need something more. Did you guys know that when I was eight years old, I made three life goals?
WADE: I have a feeling this story will go on for a while.
RK: Shut up. Anyway, my three life goals were things I wanted to do before I turned 21. And one of those things was to be a millionaire.
WADE: RK, realistically speaking, becoming a millionaire at such a young age requires hard work and determination that might be beyond your mental capacity.
RK: Wade, this always happens. You're always telling me why I shouldn't do something but I do it anyway so why bother? I'm getting this money. This Halloween, let's just say the Reese's will be going into the peanut butter cup.
There is an awkward pause for a few seconds.
JAYLYNN: Please don't tell me that was supposed to sound cool.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is on the phone with Halley.
SPARKY: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GO TO THE PARTY?!
HALLEY: I'm sorry, babe, but I'm sick. I've had this cold for a couple days and there's no way I'll be fine in time for Saturday.
SPARKY: Alright. But now I feel bad. You want some chicken soup, honey flake?
HALLEY: You're so cheesy. But no, that's cool. You should send me pictures of the party. I want to know all about it. And if any girls try touching you...
SPARKY: Don't worry, Halley, I remember the safe word: Harassment.
HALLEY: That's my boy. Love you.
SPARKY: Love you too. Talk to you soon.
Sparky hangs up and Bitch Clock walks down the stairs at that point.
BITCH CLOCK: What are you screaming about? I was trying to get my beauty sleep. You know, this doesn't just happen.
SPARKY: You're an alarm clock, what actually happens? I was just talking to Halley, and it looks like she won't make it to Sanna's party.
BITCH CLOCK: Jaylynn's best friend is throwing a Halloween party? I didn't know she got down like that.
SPARKY: That's Anja.
BITCH CLOCK: So who's Sanna?
SPARKY: Ashley's best friend.
BITCH CLOCK: Who the hell is Ashley?
SPARKY: You need to start focusing on other people. Ugh, this party's going to suck without Halley. I'm going to be a pea without a pod.
BITCH CLOCK: Eh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, it's just Halloween. It's not like Christmas or New Year's. Now those two holidays can never be spent alone. But Halloween's always fun. Last year, my buddies and I made Starburst vodka. Out of this world.
SPARKY: What did it taste like?
BITCH CLOCK: Real sweet, actually. Also, there was a lot of vomiting and we almost got arrested because someone's wife dropped a dime on us and her kid might have drank a little bit. The point is, you can celebrate Halloween with anybody. Once you go to that party, you'll forget all about Jaylynn.
SPARKY: Halley's my girlfriend.
BITCH CLOCK: See, I can't even get her name right. I'm helping you out, man.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sanna and Ashley are leaving their class together.
SANNA: Okay, so I have almost everything set up but I need the rest of the stuff. Are you sure your cousin can pull this off?
ASHLEY: Of course he can. And if he can't, I'll make him. I want your party to be perfect.
SANNA: Thank you. I'm so nervous though. It's my first time hosting a party in months. I feel like I'm not ready.
ASHLEY: You could always do something funny.
SANNA: Well, I did come up with some jokes. They're guaranteed to have you on the floor.
ASHLEY: I don't know about that. Give me one.
SANNA: Okay, knock knock.
ASHLEY: Who's there?
SANNA: Unemployment.
ASHLEY: Unemployment who?
SANNA: The unemployment rate's up, get a job already.
ASHLEY: Okay, you might want to skip the jokes for now.
RK and Buster walk in the direction of the girls.
BUSTER: Are you sure you can pull this off?
RK: Of course I can. After all, RK stands for Really Kinetic.
BUSTER: I don't get it.
RK: I'm like kinetic energy. Once I'm accelerated, nothing stops me.
BUSTER: Did you just use something we learned in school?
RK: I did, and now I have a rash.
ASHLEY: Hey guys.
BUSTER AND RK: What's up?
SANNA: RK, do you think you can help me write some jokes for my party? Since I'm hosting, I want to be as funny as I can.
RK: Well, that depends. Let me see the jokes.
Sanna hands RK the flashcards full of jokes.
RK: Holy...yeah, I'll see what I can do.
SANNA: Thanks RK.
BUSTER: You can't help Sanna with her jokes. You're not even going to the party.
ASHLEY: What does he mean by that?
SANNA: Yeah, what does he mean by that?
RK: He means I can't go. But don't worry, guys. This is strictly business.
SANNA: What are you talking about?
RK: Well, if I'm going to be a millionaire before I turn 21, I need to start early. That's why on Saturday, I'm turning my house into a haunted house. I'm going to have kids visit and think that my house is really haunted by ghosts.
ASHLEY: But how does that help you become a millionaire?
RK: That's the beauty part. I'm charging admission. First ten kids don't have to give me as much cash and candy as the others.
SANNA: This whole thing sounds like extortion to me.
RK: It's not, it's perfectly on the level. And to help make sure nothing goes wrong, Buster's joining me.
BUSTER: What do you mean, I'm joining you? I want to go to the freaking party!
RK: Buster, you're the only one willing to go along with my schemes. Plus, it will be fun. You, me, all the candy you can eat and all the money you can spend.
BUSTER: Okay, that sounds pretty good. Do you think we'll get those only kids with both parents?
RK: They're the richest.
BUSTER: Alright, I'll join you. But I better see mountains of Halloween candy. And if I don't, I'm not talking to you for the rest of the month! Got it?
RK: Like Rakim got soul.
SANNA: Will you still be able to help me with my jokes before you do your little project?
RK: Of course. I just need a couple hours to create.
ASHLEY: I hope you guys can make some of the party. You're going to miss a big one.
RK: Eh, I've missed a lot of blowouts in the past.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK comes into Jaylynn's house with a tuxedo and a Macy's bag.
RK: Guys, who's ready to party, I have Boggle!
RK looks around and realizes that the house is empty.
RK: F***!
END OF CUTAWAY
SANNA: How did you not know Jaylynn's birthday party was at a fancy restaurant?
RK: I missed the memo!
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On Halloween night, RK and Buster continue putting fake spider webs all over the floor of the room. Buster is dressed as a scientist with ski goggles.
BUSTER: I don't get it, RK. How come you don't have a costume? Halloween's the one day where people can wear anything they want and it's okay!
RK: A costume, you say? Well, check this out.
RK starts spinning for several seconds and then falls over.
BUSTER: The hell was that about?
RK: Well, you know how on some shows, the characters spin around and they turn into someone else? Well, this is what happens when I try doing that shit in the real world. I'm going upstairs to change.
BUSTER: Alright.
RK walks upstairs and that's when Jaylynn comes in, dressed as a zombie.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, what are you doing here? I thought you guys were meeting up at Sparky's.
JAYLYNN: We all wanted to see the haunted house. I don't get it, it looks almost the same as it usually does.
BUSTER: RK said that it's more about the story of the house that will attract kids.
JAYLYNN: Could I just ask? Why would you skip one of the biggest parties of the year just to help RK?
BUSTER: Free candy doesn't come cheap. Plus, RK's my friend and he needs me.
JAYLYNN: I can respect that.
BUSTER: By the way, nice Invader Zim costume. Really captures his essence.
JAYLYNN: I'm not Invader Zim, dude, I'm a zombie! Don't you see the face paint, the ripped up-clothes, blood around my mouth?
BUSTER: Whoa baby, that's really something. I thought you said you were going all out this year.
JAYLYNN: And I am. Because when I turn off the lights...
Jaylynn turns off the lights and her costume starts glowing in the dark.
JAYLYNN: Eh? Eh?
BUSTER: I love you, Jaylynn.
Wade comes in at that moment and turns on the lights. He is dressed like Frederick Douglass.
WADE: I swear, if I see one more kid with an N.W.A. costume, I'm going to punch the wall.
BUSTER: Wade, you look really familiar.
WADE: I do? Well, let me give you a hint. I'm someone very famous.
BUSTER: Einstein!
WADE: Well, someone very famous who happens to be African-American.
BUSTER: I don't know, George Washington Carver?
WADE: I'm Frederick Douglass. One of the greatest abolitionists of all-time. Namesake of one of Seattle's most prestigious junior high schools which I hope to be attending in two years.
BUSTER: Well, keep dreaming on.
RK comes downstairs right then, dressed as a witch.
RK: Wade, why in the world are you George Clinton?
WADE: I'm Frederick Douglass! And why are you a witch, that's for girls.
RK: You say that now in 2015 when there are male nurses? When there are female politicians, when there are...look, the point is, I always thought witch costumes were cool.
JAYLYNN: You say that now...
RK: At least I tried doing something different. Look at you and your like, killer zombie costume, bro, oh yeah, awesomesauce, guffaw.
JAYLYNN: I don't talk like that. And check this out.
Jaylynn turns off the lights and RK and Wade see her glow.
JAYLYNN: Eh? Eh?
RK: You're so corny.
JAYLYNN: Leave me alone.
Sparky walks in dressed as John F. Kennedy.
SPARKY: Everybody ready to...
Everything is filmed from Sparky's perspective as he sees everyone's costumes, then goes back to regular orientation.
SPARKY: Okay, I think we should just admit that I have the best costume.
RK: What are you even supposed to be?
SPARKY: JFK. Halley was supposed to be Jackie O, but she got sick so I'm going it alone.
BUSTER: I just realized something.
KIDS: What?
BUSTER: There's no Halloween without Halley. If she didn't exist, it would just be called Oween.
There is an awkward pause for a few seconds.
SPARKY: Wade, Jaylynn, can we go now?
WADE AND JAYLYNN: Sure.
SPARKY: Have fun, guys. Hope all your dreams come true. All your untouched, unbroken hopes and dreams. You know, that reminds me of something. People who dream may not always come on top, so it's up to you to...
Wade starts honking the car.
WADE: SPARKY, GET IN THE CAR! I'M BEING VEHEMENT!
SPARKY: Bye guys.
BUSTER AND RK: Bye.
BUSTER: Tell us all about it.
Sparky closes the door at that moment.
BUSTER: I just realized something.
RK: None of us have any dates tonight? I mean, I told Anna about the party, but her and Adriana have their own plans.
BUSTER: No. KG will be coming back any minute. What's he going to say when he sees a bunch of little kids running around?
RK: Relax, he's at a Halloween party. He won't be back for the next two hours. And in his teenage mind, two hours means four hours, so we have even more time.
BUSTER: I don't know. I'm getting nervous. What if we get in trouble for scamming kids?
RK: We're not. Everything is going to be alright. Look, do you trust me?
BUSTER: At this point, about 56 percent.
SCENE 6
The Qureshi Household
Exterior Driveway
Seattle, Washington
Wade parks his car near Sanna's house and gets out. Sparky comes out of the passenger side and Jaylynn comes out of the backseat.
WADE: Okay, guys, let's make a rule. Nobody eat or drink too much, you don't want to get sick all over your costume.
JAYLYNN: Who said you could make that decision?
WADE: Me. Only sixty percent of us are here tonight, so it's up to me to assume leadership.
SPARKY: I'M still here.
WADE: Oh yeah. Right. This will go down in the record books as a terrible miscalculation.
The trio walks inside with "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten playing over the sound system in the house. Several kids are already hanging out and dancing around. The lights have been dimmed to give the house a darker feeling, there are fake bats and cobwebs hanging on the walls, and two fake skeletons propped up on both ends of the front door.
WADE: This is going to be a great party, huh?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. I wanted my costume to stand out tonight.
SPARKY: Well, it could be worse. You could be dressed like a dead president with no First Lady.
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, Sparky.
SPARKY: It's okay. It's just that I was really looking forward to coming with Halley. I haven't been this sad on a holiday since last Thanksgiving.
CUTAWAY GAG
Testicular Sound Express and KG are on line at McDonald's. Sparky has an extremely annoyed look on his face.
SPARKY: Alright, whose responsibility was it to buy the food?
RK: I never got any information.
JAYLYNN: I kept asking them what they wanna eat and they were flaking on me...
KG: I was taking a bath, I didn't, um...
BUSTER: It was mine, but nobody wanted to come to the store with me, so I didn't go.
The kids then proceed to give Buster looks of anger.
BUSTER: What?
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: At least we snuffed him in the parking lot.
SPARKY: I guess.
Sanna walks up to the guys. She is dressed as a member of Daft Punk.
SANNA: Hey guys. I'm glad you could make it.
JAYLYNN: We're glad too. This is a sick party.
WADE: Nice Daft Punk costume.
SANNA: Thanks. You're rocking the Einstein look pretty well.
WADE: This? No, I'm Frederick Douglass.
SANNA: Who?
The camera cuts to a still image of Wade's disgusted expression.
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster is looking out the window for kids while RK watches TV. He sees three of them approaching the house with trick-or-treat bags.
BUSTER: The hawk has caught its prey.
RK: What?
BUSTER: That's the codephrase, remember? Kids are here.
RK: Oh yes. Customers. Let's kill the lights.
RK turns off the lights, which the little kids notice. One of them is a little Caucasian boy dressed as a green pumpkin, a black boy dressed as Charlie Brown, and a Caucasian female fairy princess.
PUMPKIN: I guess nobody's home.
CHARLIE BROWN: Someone just turned the lights off, how is that possible?
PUMPKIN: The things we think are there aren't really there.
FAIRY PRINCESS: Shut up.
The princess rings the bell and the door opens, but nobody is visible inside.
CHARLIE BROWN: Okay, this is a little creepy.
RK jumps out from behind the door.
RK: SURPRISE!
The kids are all screaming as Buster shows up with green facepaint after taking off his ski goggles.
BUSTER: Hahahahahaha! Step inside the haunted house of HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA...*begins coughing repeatedly*...I need a damn lozenge.
RK: Come, children to one of Seattle's most dangerous haunted houses in the history of the city.
FAIRY PRINCESS: Why should we believe that this is a real haunted house?
RK: Because there wouldn't be a live ghost catching scheduled TONIGHT if that weren't the case.
PUMPKIN: I want to experience the unbelievable awesomeness of this place!
RK: You can. For just three bucks a head and all the Halloween candy you can spare.
CHARLIE BROWN: Eh, I'm down.
FAIRY PRINCESS: This better be fun.
PUMPKIN: I have green apple Skittles in here, so if you're not a fan, just speak up now.
RK: Buster, this is going great! They actually think this place is haunted!
BUSTER: Yeah, but what are they going to think when they don't see any ghosts?
RK: Relax, I have that figured out. You're so concerned about stuff tonight, have a Snickers.
CHARLIE BROWN: So what makes this place haunted?
RK: What?
CHARLIE BROWN: You know, the historical value. When did you know for sure that you were living with ghosts?
RK: That's really interesting. Buster, how did we know for sure?
Buster gives RK a bored glance in response.
SCENE 8
The Qureshi Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd is playing over the sound system as the kids are dancing up a storm. Jaylynn tries to do the Shmoney Dance, but everyone just gives her confused stares. Meanwhile, Wade is at the punch bowl on the phone.
WADE: Yeah, I'm all dressed up. Yeah, baby, I'm looking really dapper. No, I'm someone famous. He's not Polish. Look, Adriana, I don't know a lot of celebrities from Poland, why do you always assume I do?
SPARKY: I'm waiting for something really funky so I can twirl my tie in the air.
JAYLYNN: I know what you mean. I feel like people aren't giving me props for my skills. Or my costume. I look pretty awesomesauce, right?
SPARKY: Yeah, with a side order of bodacious.
JAYLYNN: That's what I was thinking!
Sparky sticks his tongue out in disgust behind Jaylynn's back. Just then, the lights go out. Jaylynn's zombie costume starts glowing in the dark and after a short time of kids screaming, the lights return.
WADE: Guys, are you okay? Any bruises or signs of trauma or lacerations?
SPARKY: No, but someone's about to catch some bruises for that light prank. I mean, turning off the lights at a Halloween party is like turning off the TV during the ball drop on New Year's. It's despicable.
JAYLYNN: Well, at least we're okay.
SANNA: Guys, where's Ashley?
SPARKY: Last time I saw her, she was talking to you.
WILL: I haven't seen her in the last 17 minutes.
MANNY: Wait, you actually counted the exact amount of time between you last seeing her and now?
WILL: No. I'm making an estimate.
MANNY: Creep.
WILL: I'm going to kick your punk ass once and for all.
SANNA: Guys, this is serious! We have to find Ashley!
EMILY: Maybe Jaylynn had something to do with it.
JAYLYNN: How would I have something to do with it?
EMILY: Your glow in the dark costume. You turned off the lights and got rid of Ashley as some big joke.
WADE: Now, wait a minute, Jaylynn would never do that to anybody.
SPARKY: Yeah, she's too cute and cuddly now to act like that.
JAYLYNN: I don't know, I'm still a little messed-up. But Ashley's my friend, I wouldn't pull that shit. She probably got scared and hid somewhere.
SANNA: Well, we better find her because nobody's taking my best friend away from me.
SPARKY: Someone try calling her.
SANNA: Good idea. Sanna starts dialing and tries to get a connection, but nobody is on the other end of the line. Ashley always picks up her phone. Okay, everybody split up and search every inch of this house.
WADE: I just realized this is going to be a huge blight on the costume contest.
SPARKY: I don't think any of us were going to win.
WADE: Yeah, but still...I want it.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK's "haunted house" has now attracted a large number of kids from all over the city. They are all sitting around the living room listening to his stories.
RK: Alright, so our journey takes us to 1990. The year of the horse, the Cincinnati Reds winning the World Series, and the very first Treehouse of Horror special. A man named Hortense Katzenberg lived here with his wife and two daughters. They kept hearing screams for an entire summer, and as it got closer and closer to Halloween, the screams grew louder and louder. They were almost traumatized and had to move out as soon as they could. Mr. Katzenberg swears to this day that he heard someone really old scream at him to help, but he didn't because he had no idea where the noise was coming from. My parents bought this house many years ago, and even they claim that they saw real ghosts in the imaginary flesh.
The kids all gasp in shock and awe.
RK: I know, right? But tonight on Halloween, we're going to take down those spectral bastards once and for all. A live ghost catching for your eyes only in living color. Text your friends. This will be the most frightening event of your lives.
CHARLIE BROWN: How sure are you on that?
FAIRY PRINCESS: He's sure. God, will you just let him live?
PUMPKIN: Yeah. Why don't you do your little dance, Snoopy?
CHARLIE BROWN: I'm Charlie Brown, you dolt!
PUMPKIN: You know I never watch those TV specials!
BUSTER: RK, this is going better than I thought. And eight kids have already told me that they dig my goggles. I am so in there!
RK: In what? I don't see any girls here that are age appropriate.
BUSTER: I just wanted a chance to say that. But what about the ghost catching? We don't know any real ghosts.
RK: That's what you think.
BUSTER: I know, that's why I'm telling you how I feel right now.
RK: Look, a couple of months ago, I met some real ghosts at a party where questionable judgment was involved. I won't go any further than that, but what I will say is that these guys are the real deal. All I had to do was ask them to show up here and pretend to be "caught forever." It's the perfect plan. And the best part is, we've made a nice chunk of change without even getting to the main attraction.
BUSTER: We're not going to do the ghost catching? That's BS, I've been waiting all night for that.
RK: We're still doing that, meathead, I'm just telling you how everything's going to go down.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, when are these "ghosts" coming anyway?
RK: I need more time to build it up, but they should be on their way soon. They're teleporting from one of the coolest cities in America.
BUSTER: Boise, Idaho?!
RK: You know what, maybe I should just stop using hints around you.
Meanwhile, in New Orleans...
An instrumental version of the theme song to The Haunted Hathaways plays in the background. Miles and Louie are in their room ready to teleport. In honor of Halloween, Miles is wearing an orange sweater, an orange bowtie with black dots, black pants and an all-orange belt.
MILES: Taylor and Frankie will be back any minute from their Halloween parties. They might check on us.
LOUIE: Come on Miles, we promised RK we were going to do this. Besides, I can't wait to scare all those kids. Get ready for the most frightening, disgusting monster you have ever seen in your life.
Louie snaps his fingers and instead of turning into a monster, he turns into Prince.
LOUIE: Aww, man!
MILES: It's been more than two years, Louie. Just give it up. Plus, I'm not sure if we should be helping RK lie to impressionable children. And we're haunting them too.
LOUIE: Well, parents all over the world lie to kids about Santa until they're old enough to stop believing in him.
MILES: Don't remind me of that. Christmas 2011 still gives me nightmares.
LOUIE: Look, all I'm saying is that you're breaking a promise to RK. Isn't that worse than scarring a bunch of kids for life?
MILES: Please tell me there's a third choice.
Louie gives Miles an annoyed stare.
MILES: Alright, I don't want RK to be humiliated. Let's go.
RAY: Hey guys.
LOUIE: Dad, now's not a good time.
RAY: I can see that, son. Why are you dressed like Prince?
LOUIE: Halloween costume contest in the ghost world. We're all dressing up as 1980s pop artists.
RAY: Oh. Well, who is Miles supposed to be?
MILES: Me? I'm either Lionel Richie, or a genderbent version of Anita Baker.
There is an awkward pause for a few seconds.
RAY: I'm just gonna leave you kids alone for the night.
Ray leaves the room and briefly looks back at the door.
RAY: Damn, I've got some weird children.
SCENE 10
The Qureshi Household
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all in a pack looking for Ashley in various rooms.
SANNA: You know, this is the exact opposite of splitting up.
MANNY: I'm not going to look for a dead body in the nighttime on Halloween by myself. It's like you want me to get killed too.
SPARKY: Will you cut that out? Ashley's not dead.
MANNY: That's what you think.
WILL: You're an oddity.
MANNY: Your whole life is an oddity.
JAYLYNN: You guys all need to shut up. Whoever's talking their shit back there, just stop it. This doesn't help any of us find Ashley.
WADE: GUYS?! COME QUICK, SHE'S DOWN HERE!
The kids all go to the basement where Wade is and they are horrified at what they see: Ashley is incapacitated on the floor with blood all over her body, a sock hanging from her mouth, and a knife on her stomach.
SPARKY: No f***ing way.
SANNA: Jaylynn, you did this!
JAYLYNN: What the hell? I didn't do this! How?!
SANNA: You took Ashley, stabbed her, and threw her here in the basement!
JAYLYNN: Does she even have any wounds? This shit is ridiculous, I never killed Ashley!
WADE: I mean, there's blood all over...
The lights go out again and the kids start screaming. When they return, Ashley's body is gone alongside Will.
SPARKY: What the...Ashley's not even here!
MANNY: Wait a minute. Will's not here either. No wonder things got so quiet.
WADE: Let me think about things here for a minute. Jaylynn couldn't have been able to kill Ashley since she is already here. And her costume glowed in the dark so if she moved, we would see it. But she didn't.
MANNY: So what you're saying is Jaylynn pretended to kill Ashley and hide her undead body?
SPARKY: No, he's saying that Ashley wasn't killed by Jaylynn.
SANNA: So if that's the case, then what happened to her and Will?
SPARKY: I don't know. But there's a real killer among us, and we have to find them before we're all dead.
EMILY: But who would want to kill us?
The kids all stare at each other with weary expressions. Undertaker's gong strikes and the screen fades to black.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids keep chanting "BRING ON THE GHOSTS!" as RK watches them from the kitchen. He then goes back in and sees Buster still in his scientist costume, but now he has on glasses reminiscent of Kool Moe Dee.
BUSTER: Maybe you could get a projection screen with a drawing of an actual ghost, and prop it up on the screen. Then you take your hand and crumple up the paper to let the kids know that you destroyed it once and for all.
RK: What...what are you wearing now?
BUSTER: Look, if I don't keep things fresh, then what's really the point of Halloween? Hmm? Tell me.
RK: I don't know about this anymore, man. I think I bit off more than I can chew. Miles and Louie were supposed to be here more than ten minutes ago and if these kids don't see a ghost catching tonight, then I'm doomed.
BUSTER: Oh, that's beautiful. This is the real RK, always quitting when things get too hard.
RK: You're the one who thought we couldn't convince anyone this place is haunted!
BUSTER: That was Ski Goggle Scientist Buster. This is 22nd-Century Scientist Buster. And he says that you promised these kids a show, and for God's sake, you better deliver! We're catching those ghosts one way or another.
RK: You know what? You're right. I like this new, feisty Buster. I guess we can just stall the kids until Miles and Louie get here. Seriously, what the hell are they doing?
BUSTER: I don't know. Jetlag, traffic jams, cancelled flights. These things take time.
RK: They're ghosts, they just poof themselves anywhere they want.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, in that case, you're probably just being bamboozled.
SCENE 12
The Qureshi Household
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn have split up from the rest of the group and are trying to find Ashley and Will on their own.
SPARKY: I just don't buy Ashley or Will being dead. It's ridiculous, it's like...some sick nightmare or something.
WADE: Well, man, I guess that's just the severity of the situation. And if we don't find out who's doing this, we're all going to be a bunch of eviscerated corpses lying on the floor tomorrow morning.
SPARKY: Dude, that's sick!
WADE: I'm just being practical here.
JAYLYNN: You guys think that one of us is the killer?
WADE: Of course not. In order to pull this off, it requires a tremendous amount of speed, intelligence, and an advanced understanding of the criminal mind. I don't think any of us have those traits.
SPARKY: Too bad Anja's not here. She might be able to help.
WADE: That reminds me. Why is Anja not here? Wasn't she invited?
JAYLYNN: She was, but Sanna didn't know that on the last Saturday of every month, Lynne comes over and hangs out with her. I can't imagine what twisted things she has planned.
SCENE 13
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
LYNNE: Can you give me a piggyback ride?
ANJA: What?
LYNNE: I want a piggyback ride like you used to give me when we were younger.
ANJA: Lynne, it's been a long time, I don't think I have the strength. You know, because I haven't been to the gym and whatnot.
LYNNE: Ah, you're just scared. Don't worry, I'll help you.
Lynne grabs Anja and tosses her to the floor.
ANJA: Are you on something? Because you're acting like you're on something.
Lynne turns Anja over and gets on her back.
LYNNE: See, nothing to it. Ride 'em, cowboy!
ANJA: OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING?!
Anja collapses to the floor and Lynne tries poking her sister afterwards so she can get up.
LYNNE: Okay, fine, I can give you the piggyback ride this time.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster and RK have set up a large cardboard box with two pumpkin drawings on the sides and a rectangular hole. They are sitting right behind the box.
BUSTER: You ready?
RK: As much as I can be. *pulls out Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy sock puppet and starts using his voice* Umm...hey kids. Happy Halloween!
CHARLIE BROWN: What the heck is this garbage?
FAIRY PRINCESS: It's a lame puppet show.
PUMPKIN: Cool, two for the price of one!
RK: Let it be noted that there is no two for one deal and this show is separate from tonight's festivities.
PUMPKIN: Screw you!
RK: I'm Hot Daddy, uh...Puppet Monkey Boy, and I'm here to tell you a little story about the time I saw...a real live ghost.
CHARLIE BROWN: I would like to see the actual story WHERE WE CATCH A GHOST!
RK: So we're just walking through the graveyard like this...walking, walking, walking...until we stumble upon...A GHOST!
BUSTER: I AM THE GHOST! BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY!
RK: OH NO! STAY AWAY! WHO KNOWS! I MIGHT HAVE A GUN!
FAIRY PRINCESS: F*** are they doing?
BUSTER: I am the ghost of...of...Alexandra Nechita, HAHA! I will now seek revenge on those WHO NEVER BOUGHT MY PAINTINGS! HOOHOO!
RK: Well, that would make sense if ALEXANDRA NECHITA WAS ACTUALLY DEAD!
BUSTER: Well, there's such a thing as improvising, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
RK: Okay, this was not in the script. Guys, we're stalling here, okay?
PUMPKIN: We all knew that.
RK: Shut up, you self-centered little puke!
PUMPKIN: Well, I'm just beside myself right now.
RK: The truth...the truth about all of this is...
KG, dressed as Kevin Owens, comes in at that moment, looks around, and angrily stares at RK and Buster.
RK: The truth is that this will probably be our last Halloween.
BUSTER: What do you mean, our?
RK: Don't start.
SCENE 15
The Qureshi Household
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn are still looking through various rooms in Sanna's house.
JAYLYNN: Why does it feel like Sanna's house is bigger on the inside? I mean, we've been doing this shit for twenty minutes and nothing.
WADE: What about the ten minutes where we just sat down and talked about our favorite candy?
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah. Let's just go to Sanna's room.
SPARKY: Where is Sanna? I feel like I haven't seen her since...
The lights start flickering.
SPARKY: I said, I feel like I haven't seen her since...
The lights flicker again.
SPARKY: Okay, someone here better get ready to put 'em up because...
The lights go out completely, but Jaylynn's zombie costume is unable to be seen.
SPARKY: Jaylynn? Jaylynn?!
WADE: We're mincemeat, aren't we?
SPARKY: With a side of cheese fries.
When the lights return, Jaylynn is nowhere to be found.
SPARKY: JAYLYNN'S GONE?!
WADE: Sparky, I haven't felt this much trepidation in a long time. What do we do?
SPARKY: We have to split up to save ourselves and find Jaylynn. All we have to do is...
A masked assailant runs up to Wade and starts pounding him. Sparky rushes to Wade's aid, but his efforts get him kicked in the midsection. Wade is then stuffed in a bodybag and about to be carried away when Sparky tries to make the save once again. Sparky once again gets kicked, this time in the side of his head. He is incapacitated and the assailant makes off with Wade.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: KG, just so you know, I'm an accessory before, during, and after the fact.
KG: W-why are you wearing those glasses?
BUSTER: 22nd-century scientist here, man.
RK: KG, what are you doing here? I thought you were at a party!
KG: The police shut it down. There was underage drinking. Some kids were drinking vodka until Grey Goose was coming out of their ears.
BUSTER: What did it taste like?
KG: I don't know, some guy sold it to Trevor. It smelled like Starburst, I think, but that's besides the point. What the hell is going on here?
BUSTER: We're scamming kids into thinking the house is haunted for cash and candy, I thought that was obvious. By the way, you need to be seven and younger for the show.
KG: Why are you lying to these children?
RK: Because I want to get started on my goal of being a millionaire. But don't worry. We're going to tell the kids the truth and give them back their admission.
KG: What? No way, I want in!
RK: Wait, so you're not going to kill us?
KG: Of course not. I just wanted to know beforehand so I could sprinkle my genius in this plan. What do you need help with?
BUSTER: We promised these kids a live ghost catching and if they don't see ghosts, we lose all of our goods.
KG: Well, don't worry. I have a way to trick these kids. I can make a real ghost from nothing. Just give me some cardboard and a Crayola and I'm ready. Here's a preliminary sketch of what it will look like.
KG shows RK and Buster a crude drawing of an average everyday ghost.
RK: Well, you can already draw better than the guys from 12 oz. Mouse. Let's do this!
SCENE 17
The Qureshi Household
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky opens his eyes after being kicked in the head and starts rubbing his temple. He sees the assailant with a bodybag but can barely react in time before being covered.
SPARKY: LET ME OUT BEFORE I CALL THE COPS! OR I'LL GET A LAWYER SO DAMN GOOD, HE'LL GET BACK THE DEATH PENALTY! LET ME OUT OF HERE!
The assailant grabs Sparky and starts carrying him to an undisclosed location.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are still in their seats when "Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project starts playing.
CHARLIE BROWN: Where the hell is that coming from?
RK uses a hand motion to cut off the music. He then grabs his microphone and taps into it.
RK: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the live ghost catching!
PUMPKIN: Finally, because this is way past my bedtime.
RK: I can sense a violent apparition in the air, and I believe he wants something.
The lights go out, then Buster flashes a light on the "ghost," which is KG covered in a white cloak using a string to create the effect. The kids start screaming in terror.
RK: Relax, children, be calm. This ghost doesn't have the grapes to mess with us.
KG: You called me out so you get what you want. You've...opened...the gates...to Hell!
RK: I don't think so.
RK takes a bowl of honey mustard and tosses it at KG, "paralyzing" him by having him slowly fall to the floor.
KG: AAAAAHHHH! MY POWER IS FADING!
RK: That's it, ghost, you're finished!
Buster takes ghost KG and drags him out of the room while the absentminded kids clap in approval.
RK: As of 10:16 PM Pacific Standard Time on October 31, 2015, let it be known...that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end...THE GHOST OF THE JENNINGS HOUSE!
The kids go nuts for RK's proclamation. Meanwhile, KG puts his thumb up in approval in the kitchen which RK reciprocates. The green pumpkin kid then takes his cup of fruit punch and dumps it over his head in celebration.
RK: Everybody, we have officially taken care of the Jennings ghost and the haunted house is no more. Please make your exit that-a way towards the front door.
The kids all leave the house in a single file line, and when they do, RK, Buster, and KG all leap in the air and start cheering.
BUSTER: RK, you brilliant son of a gun, your plan worked!
RK: It did! I'm one step closer to a million bucks.
KG: Eh, you're still a long way away.
BUSTER: So how do you split up this candy?
KG: I want the Life Savers Gummies.
RK: No freaking way, I want it.
KG: I'm older and bigger.
RK: Yeah, but it was my plan that got you within sniffing distance of those gummies.
BUSTER: I want the Skittles.
KG: Which ones? If you're talking Wild Berry, you and I are taking this outside.
RK: Okay, I get all the chocolate.
BUSTER: Like hell you're getting all the chocolate, I'll chocolate YOU!
Buster, RK, and KG start fighting over the candy by grabbing what they can find from the bags and then throwing it at each other. RK ends up landing an accidental punch on Buster and it leads to an all out brawl between the three as they roll around in the mountain of candy. Miles and Louie arrive at that moment.
MILES: Alright, let's do some nice, wholesome, fake haunting.
LOUIE: Yeah. This is going to be a Halloween those kids will never...wait, where are all the kids?
MILES: They're gone. It's just RK and those other two kids.
Miles and Louie hear the writhing of RK, Buster, and KG on the floor as they continue fighting in the candy pile. They look visibly disturbed.
LOUIE: We're going back home now, right?
MILES: Yuppers.
Miles and Louie snap their fingers and disappear in a cloud of smoke.
SCENE 19
The Qureshi Household
Exterior Balcony
Seattle, Washington
The assailant lays Sparky on the ground and removes the body bag. From Sparky's perspective, the assailant is towering over him as they give him a menacing stare.
SPARKY: What do you want from me anyway?
*robotic, distorted voice* ASSAILANT: You're going to give me what I want.
SPARKY: What you want? I don't have a damn thing for you, now get me out of here!
ASSAILANT: I want your soul. The same way I took the souls of all your friends.
SPARKY: You...you killed them?!
ASSAILANT: That's for the cops to decide, don't you think?
SPARKY: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG?! You're sick, and I'm going to make sure everybody knows it.
ASSAILANT: They won't find out, because you won't live long enough to finish me off.
SPARKY: Fine, if you want to try and kill me, go ahead, but it's not going to be easy.
ASSAILANT: Why not? You made it so easy. You set the whole thing up.
The assailant pulls out a knife as tears start forming in Sparky's eyes.
SPARKY: Please don't do this. I'll keep my mouth shut, I swear!
ASSAILANT: It's too late.
The assailant goes for the kill and stabs Sparky in the chest. However, Sparky realizes that the knife did nothing when he sees no blood coming out or wounds. He then takes the knife and feels it.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. This shit is rubber! What the...
The assailant removes their mask. It is revealed to be Ashley.
ASHLEY: Happy Halloween!
SPARKY: Ashley?! You're not dead?!
ASHLEY: Of course not.
WADE: Neither am I.
JAYLYNN: Or I. Me.
The rest of the kids walk onto the balcony from Sanna's room, including Sanna herself.
SPARKY: Okay, what the hell is going on here?!
WADE: The whole thing was staged. Can you believe it? Man, what a shindig!
SPARKY: What do you mean, staged? How could all of this been staged, we all thought Ashley was dead.
SANNA: It was the surprise of my party: A murder mystery party.
SPARKY: Don't you mean, a murder mystery weekend party?
SANNA: The "weekend" part sounds forced.
SPARKY: Can someone please explain how this happened?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, even I don't understand some of it.
SANNA: Well, since it's Halloween, I wanted to give people a good scare. So I hid Ashley and put all that stuff on her to make you guys think she was killed.
SPARKY: And?
SANNA: And then I hired a few people to hide all the other partygoers. I told Ashley about the whole thing and that's when she became the mystery girl.
ASHLEY: I'm sorry if I hurt you guys, I had to keep it realistic.
JAYLYNN: So why was Sparky singled out?
SANNA: He wasn't. He just happened to be the last man standing.
SPARKY: Let me get this straight. You guys created this whole complicated plan for your Halloween party just to scare us?
SANNA: Yeah. Pretty boss, huh?
SPARKY: Yeah, it was. I thought my friends were dead for nothing. That's just dandy. Hey Wade, do you have the car keys?
WADE: Yes.
SPARKY: Good, because I'm going to drive away from this place and forget any of this ever f***ing happened. The camera does a close-up on Sparky's slightly deranged face. HAPPY MOTHERF***ING HALLOWEEN!
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG, RK, and Buster all look tired and confused as they sit on the couch. Buster has traded in his futuristic glasses for a cowboy hat.
BUSTER: RK?
RK: Yeah.
BUSTER: You never told me why you bit my finger.
RK: I called dibs on the Twix and you tried to steal it. I was acting out of self-defense. KG?
KG: Yeah.
RK: You don't seem to have an explanation as to why you tossed me over the couch.
KG: You were mocking me because you had more candy than me. I was behaving in a perfectly rational way. Buster?
BUSTER: Yeah.
KG: Care to explain to me why you almost kicked me in the bean bags?
BUSTER: I had nothing to do with it. I have plausible deniability.
RK: Why are you wearing that f***ing hat?
BUSTER: Cowboy scientist, what part of that don't you understand?
RK: Um, all of it?!
Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn walk in and witness the situation at hand. For a few seconds, nobody says a word as everyone gives each other weird stares.
SPARKY: You guys had a good night?
RK: Yeah, sure. You?
WADE: Yup.
BUSTER: Cool. Wade, Jaylynn, why do you guys have blood on your shirts?
JAYLYNN: No reason.
WADE: Yeah, we just blinked for a couple seconds and there it was.
BUSTER: Alright.
Awkward pause.
KG: We don't need to talk about any of this, do we?
JAYLYNN: Nope.
KG: That's what I thought.
The screen fades to black at that moment.
KG: Wade, why are you Frederick Douglass?
WADE: THANK YOU!
We then see the five kids walking through a cemetery in suits and ties. They then start laughing maniacally.
TSE: IT'S TIME!
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo.
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Rest in Peace" by Jim Johnston playing in the end credits)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HALLOWEEN :)