He was just an idiot to Gokudera, and nothing more. Scratch that, everybody who knew him thought of him as an idiot. He curled up in his bed, and hugged his knees. It was no use dwell on the fact that he was stupid.
Did Gokudera ever notice the looks of desire that he gave him? Did he just ignore it? Because he was such an idiot? Gokudera probably just thought of him as a stupid baseball oaf. His heart constricted at the thought. Even though his other friend, Tsuna, was often called "No good", at least Gokudera thought highly of him.
To Gokudera, he was nothing more than an annoying piece of gum that just wouldn't get off of his shoe. A clingy piece of mint gum (if he was a piece of gum, he decided he would probably be mint instead of some fruity piece or... Or whatever other kind of gum types there were) that wouldn't get off your shoe no matter how many times you scraped it on the sidewalk, and finally you had to wipe it on the floor of some building, and you would end up feeling terrible about.
If only one person didn't think he was a nimwit, then he would be fine. Then he would know that he wasn't a stupid idiot. But... Nobody did. Even Tsuna pitied him. Tsuna. No good Tsuna.
Why didn't his friends notice how sad he got? Of course, Tsuna didn't call him an idiot, or some other demeaning name, the pity for him just radiated off of him.
He was so stupid. His highest grade was in gym. He was just an empty headed idiot, who had been whacked in their head by a baseball far too may times, even if he hadn't been hit that often, it had destroyed a lot of brain cells, and one couldn't just grow those back (Or so Gokudera had told him one time when he had smacked into a wall headfirst. Of course he didn't say it in a nice way, more of a "Ha-You're a loser who can't even walk" way).
Even if Gokudera was rude to him, and had told him that he hated him multiple times, he loved him. He loved him so much that it physically hurt to be around him.
His fan girls, liked him. But they didn't like him for him. They thought he was cute (Or as one girl had called him, "incredibly sexy hot amazing god of sexy hotness") He would much rather Gokudera say something like that, even though there was no way that Gokudera could think good of him.
...
"Hey Tsuna!" Yamamoto cheerily called to their brunet who was walking ahead of him.
Tsuna turned around to the taller raven haired boy and smiled. "Yamamoto! I waited for you at the intersection, but you didn't come."
"Hehe. Sorry, Tsuna. I woke up late." He easily lied. The truth was that he had spent about an hour staring into the mirror, just thinking. Although of course when the pain and stress of being himself got too much, he had began to pull out his hair. His scalp hurt now. He wondered if he would get a bald spot.
"It's okay, Yamamoto." There was that pitiful look again like he was just some baseball idiot, who understood nothing but said sport. Baseball was his strong point, but he knew so much more! Such as basic math, basic science, basic English, basic history, and... Well that was about it, but the point was that there was more to him than baseball.
"Tenth!" The Italian's voice came from behind them, and they both turned around, automatically. His dark green eyes were wide in adoration when they saw his beloved 'Tenth', but then he noticed Yamamoto, and his lip curled in disgust.
Yamamoto laughed, trying to play it off like it didn't kill him to have the silver haired boy treat him like dirt. "Hey Gokudera!"
Gokudera ignored him, and began to talk to Tsuna.
Yamamoto took the time to examine Gokudera. He was thin and lean, and liked to dress slightly punk-ish, which Yamamoto thought was just too adorable, and whenever he blinked, his long silver lashes would flutter down, and his mossy green eyes would be concealed for only a moment. Yamamoto loved his pale complexion, which was totally different from his and Tsuna's skin.
"What are you looking at?" Gokudera sharply asked, his eyes narrowed.
Yamamoto laughed again. "You of course."
Gokudera's cheeks flushed in what Yamamoto could only wish was embarrassment at having his crush look at him. It was more probable though that Yamamoto was just imagining it. Gokudera couldn't like him. He was a stupid idiot. "Stupid." Gokudera only affirmed what Yamamoto already knew.
"Gokudera-kun..." Tsuna trailed off, his tone half reprimanding.
"Yes, Tenth?" Gokudera smiled at him, his eyes once again wide and hopeful.
"Take it easy on Yamamoto, he's..." Though Tsuna didn't finish his sentence, Yamamoto could tell he was going to finish with something like helpless or even stupid.
"Tch." Gokudera crossed his arms, and looked away.
"I'll see you guys later, I have to go practice." Yamamoto waved before jogging off in the direction of the locker room, but instead of getting ready to go and practice like he said he would, he went into the the bathroom in the back. He locked himself in a stall, and had to keep from crying.
It happened naturally, the hair pulling that is. He didn't think about it. It just happened. He threw the fistful of his black hair into the toilet, and looked at it morosely. If he continued pulling out his hair, then get would develop bald spots, and everybody (especially his fangirls) would notice, and he would want to tell someone (mainly Gokudera) about how when he was so stressed that he couldn't handle life, he would pull out his hair. He knew it was another form of self harm, but it was safer than slashing his wrists, right? It's not like he would die because he was missing a few pieces of hair.
His heart was still beating erratically at the thought of Gokudera calling him stupid, and he began to frantically pull out his hair until his arms became tired, and he stopped, leaning against the stall.
He took a deep breath. Then another. And another.
He was an imbecile. A nimwit. A ditzy baseball freak. A numbskull. (He knew all of the synonyms for idiot because Gokudera would call him these things, and when Yamamoto had asked what those meant, and Gokudera had informed him what they meant.)
He came out of the stall, and looked into the bathroom mirror. He smiled. And then he frowned. And then he smiled again, a huge gazillion watt smile that made girl's hearts melt at the sight. If only it would work on a certain male.
...
School was uneventful and boring. His teachers would say he never tried at school, but he did. He honestly did. He tried his hardest to keep up with class, but Algebra was hard, and English was stupid. Why did he have to learn English? It was too confusing.
He waited for Tsuna to leave school, but he never came, though Gokudera did.
"Where's the Tenth, you dolt?"
Another fake, superficial laugh. "I dunno. Maybe he got detention. He did fall asleep in Algebra, and the teacher yelled at him for a bit, and I spaced out."
Gokudera scoffed. "Typical."
Even when frowning and in a foul mood, Gokudera was gorgeous. "Um. Gokudera? I-"
"What." His glare was murderous.
Yamamoto leaned over, and kissed him. He was promptly shoved away.
"What the hell are you doing, you freak?" Gokudera yelled, his face red, this time probably in shame. "Don't kiss me! I don't like you, you baseball nut!"
"I wasn't kissing you." Yamamoto weakly protested, waiting for a blow from the shorter male to hit him. "You had something on your lips."
"Weirdo." Gokudera growled. "Why on Earth would I like somebody with the intelligence of a grapefruit?"
"That's better than a walnut. You said I had the brain of a walnut last week." Yamamoto smiled, trying to hide the fact that he had just been harshly rejected, and he wanted nothing more than to rip off all the hair in his scalp.
"I misspoke. It's more of like the size of a raisin." Gokudera scowled. "Go away. I'm going to go look for the Tenth."
"I-I'll help you."
"No. I don't want to talk to you. I don't even want to look at your stupid face."
"Um. Wait. Gokudera, do you, do you like Tsuna?"
Gokudera's face took on that dream like quality. "The Tenth is amazing."
"But do you like, like like him?"
"Why would I tell you? I'm going to go look for him. Leave me alone." Gokudera went back into the school.
"Bye." Yamamoto turned to go back to his own house. He had baseball practice, but he didn't feel like going. He just wanted to go home, and lie down in bed. Or maybe pull out his hair again. That was nice.
Gokudera began to ignore him after Yamamoto stole a kiss. It was infinitely worse than experiencing his hate. At least when he hated him, Yamamoto knew that Gokudera cared just a bit about him. After all the opposite of Love wasn't Hate. No, it was ignorance.
Yamamoto attempted to talk to him several times, but was just ignored. Tsuna noticed this, and tried to fix this argument between his friends, but it was to no avail.
He was laying in his bed, yet again, and as it often did when he was alone, his brain drifted to dark matters. Things he didn't normally think about when he was out practicing or out at school.
Things like suicide. He knew it was wrong. He shouldn't think such thoughts. His father would be heart broken at his only child's death, and the old sushi expert would be all alone. Tsuna would (probably) be sad. Other than those two, though, he couldn't think of anybody else who would be affected by his death.
Sure, the girls at his school might be sad, but there were always other athletes for them to like.
Plus, a part of him wanted to make Gokudera feel bad for rejecting him. He wanted Gokudera to know it was all his fault that he was dead. He wanted Gokudera to know that if only he had put him down a bit more gentle, that he would still be alive.
But he couldn't bring himself to do something like that to (his) Gokudera, so he would just smile and act like he didn't get offended by being called an idiot, or any of the other words Gokudera would hurl at him. Like a baseball.(A/N: The whole hair pulling out thing is called Trichotillomania. It's another form of self harm. It's usually triggered by depression. A review or even a couple would be greatly appreciated. Criticism is wanted.)