Title: Badge of Honor
Author: RainbowBrite
Pairing: Jack/Doug
Fandom: Dawson's Creek
Rating: R
Content: language
Teaser: a week end in the country, set directly after candy apple red
Description: two weeks after their day at the dinner, jack and Doug meet back up to find a lot has changed.
Word count: 8299 words
Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own jack or Doug or Dawson's creek…I am a poor high school student with no money so please do not sue.
Authors notes: I really do not know what I was thinking with this one folks…
Doug could find no explanation as to why, but for weeks after stepping out of that dinner and parting ways with Jack, he hadn't been able to think of anything but what he would say or how he would act upon their next encounter, should such an event happen to come around. What would he do? What would he say? Would there be any words appropriate for such a situation? What do you say to someone who has poured their heart out to you? How do you act?
If he wasn't thinking about what to say around Jack. Doug would simply be thinking of him. Contemplating what life must be like for him. So torturous, so complicated. To have gone through all of the things Jack had before even coming to the age of eighteen. The poor boy hadn't even approached adulthood yet, and still he had seen more in his seventeen years then Doug had in his twenty five. He just couldn't see how Jack had been able to handle it.
He himself still spent his every day masquerading through life. He was still living a lie. And however hard it was for him, he imagined that it must have been ten times harder for Jack.
For him to have to deal with the stares and the whispers.
Pacey had told him how the kids at school had acted at first. When Jack himself was scared and didn't even realize what his feelings meant.
So much cruel brutality. Thoughts like those were the ones that made Doug never want to admit what he was to himself, let alone admit it to the world the world.
And maybe it was for that reason that Doug had not tried to contact Jack since that day. The two had not so much as locked eyes since their parting.
But despite this harsh fact, Doug still felt a closeness to Jack. A connection that he had never felt with another human being in years, possibly longer.
His days seemed long and pointless. After all, his career choice of the deputy of capeside, didn't exactly have its stimulating points.
His days consisted of waking up, brushing his teeth, fixing himself two eggs, over easy…nothing fancy just fast and simple so he would be on time to work and not disappoint his father.
Arriving at the station, he would sit behind his desk experiencing mind numbing boredom until 9:15 rolled around and it was time for him to "patrol" Capeside…and what a vigorous form of work *that* always proved to be…
Although, as much as he hated riding around Capeside in his patrol car, he had grown to look forward to it…it was, after all, better than sitting across the room from his "superior", sheriff Witter. His father.
The worst part for Doug was coming to find that he had never had anything to say to the very man who created him. Every morning the two of them sat in silence. Not a word. Not even so much as discussing the weather.
And then nine o clock came and he would rush outside, excited if only to be getting out of that room, that desk, that hell.
Most days he would find Pacey and torment him, the way older brothers are accustomed to do. But lately he found himself simply ridding around, contemplating over the very thoughts that plagued him. Not paying attention to any of his surroundings or "duties" as the deputy, someone could have been robbing a bank and he wouldn't have noticed. Nor would he have cared.
Because over the past couple of weeks, his head had been filled with thoughts of only one thing. One person. One day.
Even sitting at his desk he thought of him…at least it was something to keep his mind off of the cold eyes of his father, seeming to burn disapproval into his flesh.
Maybe not direct disapproval of him…but the opinions were there…sheriff Witter simply didn't know the answers to the questions that lingered in the air of the tiny small town jail. Doug wasn't even completely sure that his father knew the questions.
So to keep his mind off of his father, Doug kept his mind on Jack. He allowed his thoughts to cling to that beautiful November day. The things Jack said echoing in his mind over and over again. Accompanied only by the things he himself had said. Letting the entire dialogue of that day play over and over in his mind, he sat there at his desk lightly tapping his pen as he pretended to read the morning paper.
Today seemed exactly the same. Nine o clock, he left with out so much as a word or even a glance in his father's direction, got in his car and proceeded to drive through town. Of course his mind was somewhere else, as usual. Never on what might or might not have been "lurking" through Capeside.
He even ignored the opportunity to stop and agonize his little brother, Pacey…which was out of character for him on even his worst of days.
He ignored everyone who seemed to be involved in their normal morning routines, making their way to school, watering their plants, gathering their morning papers…everything standard, everything normal. And he seemed to ignore every one of them.
Everyone, that is until he saw him.
His eyes were Locked onto Jack from the moment he stepped into view. Walking to school with his sister, Andie, and his best friend, Jen. But the two girls might as well have been no where in sight, because the only one Doug saw was Jack. His eyes memorized every mannerism that Jack possessed…every smile every blink of his eye…Doug watched it all intently from inside of his car, barely even noticing as the light turned green.
The sounds of honking horns and angry parents snapped him out of his trance and he stepped on the accelerator quickly, in moments Jack was out of his sight once again.
But Doug couldn't help but wonder if jack had noticed his car sitting there, wondered if he had taken a moment out of his morning to thing about that poor pathetic soul he had help out last week. The one he had helped more than he would probably ever realize.
"Oh, stop kidding yourself" he argued with himself, commanding that hopeful part of his brain to quiet down. That there was no way Jack could possibly be thinking of him. No way that he could possibly care.
But there was still a hope within him, a hope that told him that of coarse Jack had cared. It wasn't every day that you open your emotions up to a more or less complete strangers. The two of them had bonded…and as much as it had meant to Doug, there was no way it could have meant nothing to Jack.
At least that is what he told himself repeatedly as he thought of Jack that day.
Yes, he had thought of Jack for the past two weeks. But today was different, today he had actually seen him. And he was smiling, he was happy…and Dog wasn't sure what it was, but a part of him was upset that he was not able to be a part of that. He wasn't able to share those happy moments where Jack would smile. It had seemed the only thing he was able to share with Jack was misery and sadness.
He drove around for about fifteen minutes, before he realized that today it did not seem to be helping to clear out his head at all.
So he parked his patrol car near a secluded part of the nearby woods, and went for a walk. He remember all of the times his father had taken he and Pacey camping in an attempt to grasp father son bonding. However those weekends had all turned into disasters quicker, it seemed than they had been able to get fires started.
Sighing heavily, he began to allow himself to breathe for the first time in what seemed like months.
He let go of everything he had been harboring in the past twenty years and just stood there, breathing. Pacing himself, he took in smooth, steady, even breaths. He looked up into the sky and the trees. Just let himself relax. It got to the point where he was so relaxed that it seemed as if he was standing firmly, mounted in one place and the world was spinning around him. Slowly at first, and then it begun to spin faster and faster. After a few moments the spinning grew out of control and he was lead to think of Jack again.
Except these thoughts were different. He didn't think of any specific events or conversations shared. He just closed his eyes and saw the boy's face. Which only caused the world to spin faster, which had seemed up to this point impossible. Faster and faster spinning until Doug was no longer relaxed. He was scared and nervous and eager to escape.
"And is this part of your job description? Keeping the creatures of the forest 'in line'?" Off in a distance Doug heard the familiarity of Jack's mocking tone.
Collecting himself, he finally got the spinning to stop. However, he opened his eyes and suspected that he might fall over. He was still dizzy and slightly weak from daydreaming.
"No…I was just going for a walk…you know I do get to take breaks every now and then." He said smoothly, attempting to sound cool, as not to let on that only moments earlier his thoughts had been filled of the young man standing in front of him, smirking with a cool yet piercing glint in his eye.
Seeming as though it was on cue, as Doug finished his explanation, jack's expression turned to that of a mock-shock.
"You mean the law gets to take a break…well, color me stunned…I guess that just goes to show you what the world is coming to." He nodded, grinning in sarcasm as his usual tone filled the air. Doug rolled his eyes, allowing himself to think if this would be how the two of them always interacted.
One of them surprising the other, as they proceeded to trade one liners back and forth. No true emotion, both of them hiding the fact that they share something that makes them capable of a bonding so intricate that it held the ability to repair wounds deep within the two of them.
But instead of bringing any of it up the two men stood their, conversing back and forth as though they were strangers, meeting for the first time on an airplane or bus terminal.
"funny…and what, might I ask, are you doing here anyway, aren't you supposed to be in school."
He sighed heavily, "I followed you, ok?"
"Jack…" His tone grew concerned though he attempted to hide it.
"If you keep skipping school I really am going to have to report you, and that will not be pretty."
"empty threats, empty threats…" He shook his head as though to shake Doug's words away.
"And how exactly do you come to think that?" Doug retorted, trying his best to sound intimidating, but despite his efforts, it didn't seem to be working.
Jack made a face and sort of shrugged "I don't know…I just kinda thought saying that would make me sound like James Dean…Did it work?"
"not really."
"well, gotta give me points for trying." He shrugged it off, as though knowing he failed didn't even slightly effect him. "but still, I don't think you would report me."
"eh-you're probably right…but then, sounding authoritative could just be my way of coming off like Steve McQueen…I mean it's only fair…if you get to be James Dean."
This caused Jack to laugh in that way that, during their last meeting, Doug had grown to love; nose scrunched up, teeth showing, head tilted-looking completely carefree, and-most importantly-happy.
The only thing that Doug loved more than that laugh was the feeling that he received knowing it was he who caused that laughter. It reassured him that maybe just maybe Jack wasn't all sorrow and pain. It showed him that Jack had not been completely jaded by his life's experiences.
"I am serious, though Jack…" He said trying to gain back his stern edge, as though he had had one to begin with.
"you can't just start skipping school like this…" He paused upon noticing Jack's blank, uninterested stare in the other direction.
"Why did you follow me anyway?"
Jack seemed to be startled by this question, as though he weren't prepared for it. He turned to look at Doug, mouth gaping open slightly, as though he were shocked…he thought intently about his answer, as though how he said the next thing held the power to determine between life and death.
"I don't know…" Confused himself, Jack ran his hand through his hair. "Look, I saw you driving through town on my way to school…I mean…I didn't see *you* but I saw your car…" afraid that he was beginning to ramble, Jack paused, straightened his stance and collected his thoughts… "It looked like you were pretty out of it…maybe going to get into a wreck or something, so I followed you to…see if you were okay…" The last part was more of a mumble than anything else, but Doug understood him just the same.
"Well, I'm fine okay…just didn't get much sleep last night, is all…So I thought that maybe going for a walk would help me to wake up a little bit…and that's why I'm here. No big deal…you can go back to school." On the surface Doug sounded cold and uninterested, or at least he would try to. But on the inside he was happy that Jack had showed some kind of concern for him through following him, touched even…But he couldn't let Jack know that, he wouldn't allow himself to let that kind of vulnerability show through.
"Are you fine? Are you ok Doug-because, honestly, you don't look it…" He sounded Angry, confused, and concerned all at the same time. Noticing that he was getting carried away with himself, jack took his tone down, and allowed himself to breathe before continuing.
"You just seem-a little shook up, maybe…" he breathed in and out steadily, "maybe like you could use someone to talk to."
Doug took a long time before he replied…thinking about how badly he wanted to say that he did need someone to talk to…and how he felt that the only person he *could* talk to was standing right in front of him.
He wanted to tell Jack that he had stories to be told too…he had painful secrets to reveal. Wanted to tell him that he wanted nothing more than to sit down with him and listen to all of the things that he had to say…but he wouldn't say it. Not only did he feel comfortable revealing this to jack or even himself yet, but even if he had been comfortable, he had no idea how to put it into words that wouldn't come out sounding pathetic and desperate.
"That might be true" was all he heard himself say…which wasn't exactly a lie.
"So…do you want to talk to me?" Jack asked, leaning on a nearby tree trunk.
Doug stared off in silence for a long time, before allowing himself to relax and lean against the trunk next to Jack.
"I guess it couldn't hurt" He breathed, attempting cool, calm and collectiveness once again.
"So…what have you been doing for the past two weeks?" Jack asked, in an attempt to start up a conversation.
"Nothing really…just the same thing I always do…general every day routine…you?"
"oh…just a general everyday routine…same old same old…you know the life of a high school student."
Doug laughed, "yeah, I've been there."
"Not really what you would call stimulating…" he said, looking down, he began pulling pieces of bark off of the tree, as though in an attempt to keep his mind off of something else. But what? It was so hard for Doug to read Jack, to know what was going on in his mind.
"Finals are coming up though, so…I might be singing a different tune in a few weeks." He cringed within himself, feeling as though he were just rambling on to make random conversation so that there were no awkward moments of silence.
Jack could not figure out what he dislike more. Hearing himself ramble like an idiot, or moments of awkwardness where neither of them were saying anything.
"which is why you shouldn't be skipping"
Jack rolled his eyes, what was wrong with Doug today? Why was he on this I am superior to you I'm the law kick?
He allowed himself to sigh in frustration.
"I'm sorry…" Doug explained, as though he had just realized how he had sounded from Jack's perspective.
"I just…I don't know…I don't want you jeopardizing your school work for…for me."
"I'm not jeopardizing anything, Doug…look, I have friends who religiously take notes in all seven of my classes…and I haven't been sick at all this year, so these two days are the only times I've missed so I have nothing to worry about because I am not really missing anything."
"If you say so…" Doug trailed off and allowed himself to chuckle about something, unknown to Jack. Not knowing the reason behind this laughter, Jack was, naturally, driven crazy by it.
"what?" he said-frustrated and confused with the man sitting next to him.
"oh its nothing…" Doug proceeded to laugh slightly harder, until he stopped to explain to Jack:
"It's just that I am going to laugh so hard whenever you actually do get sick…"
"Ha ha…that's funny, you're a funny guy…" he said sarcastically yet again.
"well…it's the truth…it's the classic boy who cried wolf syndrome…"
"yeah yeah, I thought we were supposed to be talking about you." Jack began, a desperate attempt to change the subject.
"Hey-I agreed to talk to you, I didn't specify as to what we would be talking about." Doug reasoned in a tone that led one to believe he could have been a lawyer rather than merely the deputy of a small town like Capeside.
"Okay, okay…I admit you have a point…but can we please stay away from the topic of high school…I have enough trouble focusing on that subject whenever I am actually there."
With a laugh, Doug agreed not to talk about school any more, and he and Jack sat in silence for a few moments, but it wasn't the awkward kind of silence…it was the kind of silence that had a way of drawing people closer together…the kind of silence that spoke for itself and told whole stories on its own.
But like all good things, this wonderful moment, too, had to end. And it ended in the worst way Doug could have imagined…
"So…how are things…with, your dad?" he cringed, thinking that that was probably the last thing that Jack wanted to answer…but Doug had simply not been able to help himself, the question had just come out, the curiosity and concern could not be masked anymore, and so the question somehow took over and seemed to ask itself.
Oddly enough, Jack did not seem fazed at all by being presented with such a question, in fact he answered it with ease, grace even.
Nodding, he said simply, "They're better…which, you know, isn't exactly good-but the situation isn't unbearable anymore either…so I take what I can…"
Doug nodded in agreement, feeling guilt because a large part of him wanted the answer to be different, so that Jack could cry and he could be there to pick up the pieces once again. 'I guess things can't always be that way' he thought, resting his head back on the hard wooden tree trunk.
"What about you…how have things been?" Jack asked, his words rather choppy now, compared to his smooth wisps only moments ago.
"Oh…I don't know. Same old same old." he said, "You know how the life of a deputy can be…" He smiled as he knew that that comment would be taken as a joke by Jack no matter how serious or unserious he had been. Sure enough, when he looked over at him, Jack was laughing…
"and how exactly *is* life for a deputy in capeside?"
Oh, pretty much the same as it is for everyone else in town." He spoke the truth, and Jack knew it. It was common knowledge that Capeside wasn't exactly crime central.
"yeah…I pretty much figured that one out on my own, I just wanted to see what you would say…so if things have been so boring for you…then why the anxiety attack?" Jack asked getting to the point of this meeting, he was growing tired of playing around with their back and forth dialogue that seemed to define their relationship…or whatever it was they seemed to share with each other.
"What?" He asked, confused. "what *anxiety* attack? There…there was *no* anxiety attack…" growing nervous, he pushed himself away from the tree trunk and walked to where he was standing directly in front of Jack, his words loud, his tone expressing a mix of shock and anger.
"Ok…maybe you are right…let's say you weren't having an anxiety attack…then, why did you freak out in the middle of morning traffic on this beautiful Capeside morning and drive off to the woods for an impromptu and honestly, rather freaky-looking moment of introspection?"
"look…like I said, I was just feeling a little dizzy, like I may be coming down with the flu or something." Doug put a hand to his forehead as if to show that he was serious, however, Jack was not believing his cover.
"Yeah…then it was probably anxiety because trust me Doug, for one thing my family is pretty screwed up, causing myself to have, believe it or not, a lot of anxiety-ridden evenings, and for another I'm pretty sure the flu isn't going around…" He sounded snappy, but softened his tone a little before continuing any further.
"Now you said you needed to talk before, and I think that could be part of the reason for said attack…so what was it that you could use someone to talk to for?"
Doug was speechless…he could not seem to find words. Part of him wanted to tell Jack that the reason for the dizziness was not anxiety…it was him. Seeing him, in the middle of everything in town…smiling, laughing. Just seeing him, caused him to freeze up…he couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't see, could barely even hear the honking horns from the cars around him. All he could even think about was how much he wanted to be a part of Jack's life. And wanted Jack to be a part of his.
But at the same time, part of him wanted to make up a story about how he had so much drama in his life right now that he could barely handle the sight of the town of Capeside with out the world seeming to spin around him.
He couldn't figure out which of these were a better explanation, so he said nothing and the two men sat in silence for a while.
Doug must have begun to stare off into space, because the next thing he could remember was seeing Jack's hand waving in his face.
"Doug? You still there…what's wrong?"
He shook his head, snapping himself out of his self-induced trance.
"yeah…nothing…just…thinking…"
"About what?" Jack wondered if he was being to pushy, but he was simply concerned for Doug and didn't want anything to be bothering him.
"its really nothing…and I should probably be going…" he said, attempting to walk away, but jack grabbed his arm, pulling him back towards the tree trunk.
Doug let out another sigh and relaxed, laying himself back on the trunk once again, it was obvious that Jack was not going to let him go anywhere…and parts of him were thankful for that.
"What now?" he asked, trying to sound frustrated, although he could never be frustrated with Jack-he would never allow himself to be. And something told him that Jack would never do anything to cause said frustrations.
"I don't think that you are being honest with me or yourself and as long as you keep this up things are only going to get worse for you…and considering how I don't want that to happen, we are going to talk about…whatever it is you have on your mind."
Rolling his eyes, Doug let out a breathy "fine" and then proceeded to gather his thoughts, thinking of anything that he could say to get Jack off of his case so that he would not be forced to tell him the actual reasons for the events that had begun to occur over the course of what had started out as just another day.
"I've been thinking of telling my family…about…everything" He heard himself say, which wasn't exactly a lie, he had been thinking about it, but it wasn't exactly the source of his troubles lately, however it wasn't making anything easier for him…so it fit and he would not be left feeling completely guilty for not telling Jack the entire truth.
"Well, that's understandable." Jack said in a smooth and comforting conversational tone, "I mean you don't have really any kind of preparation…I mean even with me, as big of a surprise as it was for me as anyone else…at least I didn't have to make plans of telling people…I mean…it's weird…I read that poem, and it was like I told myself along with the world…and it all happened at the same time, which was really good, no lose ends…but you don't have that opportunity, and I really wish you did…because it feels so good to let people see you for you…but no matter how you have to do this…I want you to know that I am here for you…all the way."
Jack's voice was filled with so much sincerity, Doug couldn't help but be blown away by it. He wanted to tell him how much all of this meant to him. That he really did need all of the support Jack could possibly give him and probably more than that. He wanted to tell Jack that he wanted him to be there for more than when Doug just needed a friend who understood and had experienced what he was going through. He needed him for that and for so much more.
"Thanks Jack…you have no idea how much I appreciate you for that…you really don't have to spend your time worrying about me, and yet you do…and that really means a lot to me." He smiled at Jack, and was completely elated to see that Jack was smiling back at him, and for that moment he thought of nothing nor knew of nothing else but the two of them, sitting in the woods, smiling at each other…truly happy to be a part o each other's lives, each other's worlds…if only for that short moment, but they were happy for it.
"oh…well you know you don't even have to ask if you need anything…I mean…I wish I had had someone to come to when I was going through what you are…there are so many ignorant people out there who have no idea…and honestly will never have any idea…and I completely understand that feeling…of just…well, feeling like you have no one on the earth you could talk to who would understand…but I do understand, Doug…I promise I understand."
'Oh, if you only had the slightest idea…' he thought to himself, he wanted to say those words to Jack but knew he wouldn't be able to…because he knew that if he started out with saying that simple statement, an explanation would have to follow, and an explanation was the last thing he was prepared to give Jack, after all, he didn't even have an explanation to give himself.
Instead he said, "I know you understand…it's just with my, and I laughingly use the term, father…and my position in the community…it just makes things that much more complicated and that much more scary…I mean who is going to take me seriously? No one takes me seriously as it is…"
Jack looked confused…"what role is your sexuality going to play in weather or not people take you seriously as the deputy? Look Doug, you are a good cop, ok…you are smart, and honest…and fair…and at the end of the day that is what people are going to care about…they aren't going to care that you would rather be with a man than with a woman, because that isn't what makes you you…ok? You are wonderful on your own…and if people can see that than they will…anyone who could possibly care enough about your sexuality to let it alter their opinion of you doesn't even deserve your time of day. Let alone your respect…so don't give it to them."
"Yeah…but this is Capeside…where the homosexual population is one…and every single person in town found out in a mass storm…and I mean, I know you heard what they said… and I'm the deputy-"
"you know what Doug…" Jack interrupted, his voice heated and rising as he grew more intense and involved in what he was saying.
"fuck them…who are 'they'…I'll tell you, they are a bunch of stuck up townies who have nothing better to do than talk about other people's feelings…other people's lives that have nothing to do with them…'they' will discuss this like they would any other piece of gossip to come off of the capeside yacht club…'oh yeah, I heard deputy Dougie was gay…but did you hear that Grahams was planning on having herself cryogenically frozen?'"
Doug laughed, he knew that jack was making a good Point, and a serious one at that, but it was just something about him and the way he had of always throwing that extra edge of humor into everything…it had a way of enthralling Doug like nothing else could have possibly managed.
"yeah, you laugh…but it's the truth…they won't even give a shit…Doug, they could care less…" He still appeared angry, but seemed to be calming down a little bit for the time being.
"I know…but you have to understand that I am always going to be worried about the small things like that…I'm paranoid…It's a flaw."
"yeah…it's a flaw…" At that moment Doug thought he actually felt his heart drop, his breathe caught in his throat…he tried not to let his emotions show. Was jack actually angry with him? In a way he thought that he shouldn't be upset by that…but there was a large part of himself that asked how could he not…
"but it's your flaw…and therefore it is made tolerable." he smiled…and Doug attempted to regroup himself…Jack wasn't annoyed or angry after all, he was just being comforting…it turned out that Doug was apparently more paranoid than he had thought…
"and you know Doug, paranoia can be ok…it helps you to stay careful, it will help you to chose what you say when telling people…and how…but you know in the end your faith in yourself and in Capeside will ultimately have to win out over that voice of paranoia in the back of your mind."
"yeah, you're probably right…but I don't know…I might need a little more time with this…I mean I only admitted this to myself a few months ago…and the first time I said it out loud was…you know…"
"yeah…I know what you mean…but at least you've know for a while" he said quietly.
"I know…and I can imagine how hard that was for you, but…I just don't think I am as strong as you." his voice was soft and pleading, with just a hint of tears.
"believe me I'm not that strong…I don't even think I would have realized anything if it hadn't been for that poetry assignment. I would still be dating Joey…or maybe I would have moved on to Jen…and I would be spending my every night wondering why the women of capeside just don't seem to do anything for me."
Doug laughed, "that's not true and you know it. You seem like you are…far too true to yourself for it to have gone this long without you ever realizing who you truly are."
"I don't know…" Jack started softly, shaking his head…"Sometimes I just…I don't know." He finished, defeated, letting his head hang, as he slid down the trunk of the tree, easing into a sitting position.
Doug was shocked to be seeing so much insecurity and uncertainty in someone he had always had pegged as rather secure in himself and who he was. Part of him was glad to be seeing this part of Jack…it meant to him that they were not only growing as friends, but people…and they were growing together. That alone meant more to Doug than anything else. So as he slid down, slowing himself to sit next to Jack, he attempted to process exactly what all of this meant to him.
While doing so he realized that if he really did want Jack as a part of his life-a part of his life in, what he recognized only as, the romantic sense of the term…then the simplest thing would be to tell him. As simple as that. No playing around. No more making up stories…the next time an opportunity came up, Doug was going to tell him.
"Jack…you are one of the most secure people I know-gay or straight…you seem to have your life in order and for a seventeen year old-or anyone, for that matter-that is a hard thing to accomplish…and to me that seems pretty damn strong."
Jack smiled, "You really think that I'm secure?"
"I know you are…I mean you are open about who you are…and your sexuality, and you're not afraid of it…I mean look at me…I'm still terrified of myself and I am twenty five years old…I don't think that I will ever be as secure as you." he said, tears coming into his eyes, but he attempted to hold them back so that Jack wouldn't see him crying over something as small of an issue as who he was attracted to.
"Don't worry about it…you'll get here…I promise…it just takes time…for some more time is required…and that is perfectly understandable…who knows what it will take for you…only time will tell…but you will get there, and when you are…you will know…and I promise that I will be right there with you, because Doug…I'm not going anywhere." He smiled again, and Doug knew that it was time to tell him how he really felt…it was this feeling that he received in the pit of his stomach…and he just…knew.
"And who knows," Jack continued to speak…and it was all Doug could do to keep himself from interrupting. "Maybe you just need to find the right guy…"
Doug's smile grew wider than it had all day. Perfect timing.
"I think I already have…" That was when he took charge. Completely. Charge of his life, of his emotions, of his sexuality…he took charge of all of it the moment he placed his hand on this other man's thigh…moved in closer, and what happened next was indescribable for him. He actually didn't know what possessed him to make the move, to take this step. Doug slowly began to move his face closer to Jack's. When ever they were inches apart from one another, Doug brought up a hand to Jack's cheek then he did something that he had thought he would never be able to do, at least not for a while. He lightly touched his lips to Jack's.
At first their lips seemed to simply lightly graze against each other. It lasted only one second, they broke apart, eyes locked and they realized that this was right. This was exactly what was supposed to be happening at that moment.
They were supposed to be here, in the woods, together…both of them. And they were supposed to be sharing this incredible, life-changing moment together.
And so, they kissed again, this time more intense, yet still soft, and delicate.
The kiss was careful, as though they thought that if either of them pushed to hard or moved to fast, they might damage this fragile new situation. They moved slowly, wrapping there arms around one another gently, barely touching, yet saying so much. The silent, light touches caused oceans of emotions, mountains of thoughts, Treacherous storms of grief, grief that said they would never be more than this single moment. They would never be more than right now, simple and beautiful, yet fleeting with every new touch.
All that either of them could think was that this was the best feeling they had ever felt and yet the worst at the same time. They both knew that they wanted to keep touching, continue to experience all of the things they never had, but they knew it had to end.
They reluctantly broke away from one another. Doug was out of breath, pulse racing…speechless.
There were a million things he wanted to say to Jack racing through his mind, but he could not think of how to put words behind any of those things. Not right now. Not after making a step that huge, that monumental towards his life, not after having Jack kiss him back so openly, so welcoming. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He stood there, mouth hanging open in astonishment, simply looking upon Jack, asking himself how he got to this point.
In case you were wondering, that was my first kiss too…" Jack was the first one to speak…and his words filled Doug with an odd yet comforting sense of reassurance.
"well…I've kissed girls…but that doesn't really count…but…yeah…that was my first *kiss* kiss…" he smiled…"and I am glad it was with you." Afraid that he had started to babble, he stopped there, as if he were waiting for Doug to say something, anything, to show how he felt about the situation.
Doug was still unable to speak, unsure what had caused his lack of words, he attempted to say something, anything…he opened and closed his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. He stood there still, simply looking at Jack, and then finally…
"I'm…glad too. I mean glad that you were my first…kiss…" He blushed slightly, completely unsure of what he was saying, he was afraid that he had begun to sound like an idiot.
Jack laughed slightly, he couldn't help it…the way that Doug was acting seemed so cute to him. Unfortunately, Doug didn't find the situation that incredibly laugh-worthy.
"Are you laughing at me" He asked, seeming to grow somewhat defensive.
"No…no, I'm not laughing at you." Jack said in between snickers.
"It's just, you're so…nervous…its…" he smiled. "It's cute."
Doug's already blushing cheeks grew to a stronger shade of red.
"cute? I am not…cute…"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but you are…" Jack laughed again, and Doug began to pout.
"Oh, don't look so hurt, I never said it was a bad thing…"
"So it's good?"
"Yeah…its good…" The two just sort of looked at each other for a while, not saying anything…just smiling.
"So, when do you think you are going to be ready to tell him?" Jack asked quickly, hoping he wasn't ruining a good thing by turning the situation back to the serious side of things.
The question stunned Doug, he thought about his answer for a while, and then quietly said "I haven't really thought about it seriously…I mean, I have been thinking about it every day, but…every time I do, I get scared, and think that it will have to be a while before I tell him."
"You know, once it's out of the way, it will be a lot easier."
"Yeah…and that's what I try to tell myself…but, it's just…god, I don't even know."
"you're scared…"
"Yeah." he breathed heavily, trying to calm himself down, attempting to ease the powerful emotions inside of him, the ones causing him to want to pour his heart out to Jack at this very moment.
"But you know, there is the whole band aid logic…if I do it fast it will be virtually painless, but what it I do it fast and…its not painless…my dad…he has a way of going against the conventional like that." Doug said quickly, afraid, once again, that he was beginning to ramble.
"so you are therefore conflicted."
"basically, yeah."
"Well. All I can tell you is to do what feels right…and in risk of sounding like a hallmark card…follow your heart."
Doug laughed, "no…you're right…that is what I need to do…follow my heart I mean, it's just I'm pretty sure I need to listen to it before I can follow it…did that make sense?"
"It made perfect sense…don't worry…it seems to me like you have more of his figured out then you thought you did."
"really?"
"Yeah…don't worry, Doug…you are going to be fine." he placed a comforting hand on Doug's shoulder, without hesitation, Doug placed his hand on top of Jacks, and looked into his eyes.
They slowly moved in and kissed once again. This time the kiss lasted longer, and was more passionate, it was as though they were growing more comfortable with them selves and with their relationship towards one another.
They were no longer afraid of damaging what they had or could possibly have, now they were only concerned with expressing their feelings for each other in the truest form either of them knew…or either of them felt comfortable expressing.
They held onto each other tighter than they had before…Doug's arms had wrapped themselves tightly around Jack's torso, and pulled him in so close that there was no space between he two of them.
Jack's hands made their way up to Doug's shoulder's and gripped tightly, massaging them slowly.
As the two grew more relaxed, Doug opened his mouth, allowing Jack's tongue to enter, Doug welcomed it, massaging it with his own.
In that instant they knew no boundaries, it was as if they were one with each other, truly, completely…and it was then that Doug knew…he was ready.
He broke away quickly, startling Jack.
"What's wrong?" Jack attempted to catch his breath as he spoke, afraid that he had done something wrong, something to startle Doug, and that was the last thing he wanted.
"Nothing…nothing is wrong…in fact…it is the exact opposite…and I have you to thank for that."
Jack was clearly confused. "What? Doug I don't understand."
Doug stood up to leave, and Jack stood up with him.
"Where are you going? Doug…what's going on?"
"I'm ready…I have to tell him…right now…I have to…while I'm ready, before I back down again."
Jack was excited for Doug, yet disappointed at the same time, not wanting him to go, he wanted the two of them to stay in the woods, basking in their fresh new discovery they had made with each other. Their new feelings and emotions waiting to surface. But he knew that Doug had to go, that this was more important than a relationship…this was his self-discovery, approval of himself…it was what he needed now more than anything else. And Jack understood that completely.
"You really think so?" Jack said, hugging Doug out of excitement.
He nodded. "yeah…and thanks…because it was you…I really think it was you."
With that Doug left, leaving jack in the middle of the woods, alone with his thoughts.
He smiled to himself, thinking of all that had just happened, thinking of how lucky he was at this moment…he smiled thinking how proud he was of Doug and how much easier things would be for him once this was all out of the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doug kept his sirens on, allowing himself to speed to the police station…this was something so important, so epic…he needed to get it out. He needed to get to the police station as fast as he possibly could.
Trying to calm himself down, he practiced a series of breathing exercises on his way to the entrance. He walked slowly, afraid to alert his father that there was anything wrong. He wanted this to be as normal of a conversation as any.
His breathing returned to normal at last, and Doug opened the door. Slowly, he walked to up to his father's desk and attempted to look him in the eye, which was hard because he was reading the paper…as usual. Doug chuckled to himself, thinking how that was probably the third time that day sheriff Witter had worked his way through the morning paper.
He glared suspiciously up at his son as he finally noticed him standing in front of his desk.
"What are you doing here? Your shift isn't over for another thirty minutes."
"I know but…dad…we need to talk…" It was the only way Doug could think to begin a conversation such as this one.
"Well…what is it…and it better be important." He said sternly.
Doug nodded, "It's pretty important."
"Well, ok let's get it over with then."
Ok, dad…this is kind of hard for me…because" He sighed, "because…I have imagined us having this conversation with you thousands of times, shit, I've imagined it at least once a day…sometimes more…but now that I am here…I am not prepared and I have no idea what I am supposed to say or how I am supposed to say it." He paused for a minute, letting his breathing return to normal once again.
Sheriff Witter laughed, that rugged, scratchy laugh he had had since before Doug could remember.
"well, shit son, it's not like you came here to tell me you were a faggot or anything." He continued to laugh, however, whenever he looked over at Doug, he saw that his son was straight-faced and white as a ghost.
"Well what is it, boy?" He asked, growing impatient.
Doug laughed slightly, "well…it's…uh…it's funny you should say that, dad…because…um…" he took a moment to collect his thoughts.
"well, because actually, that is what I came here to tell you…dad, I'm gay." he said the words and it was as if a giant cloud was lifted, only to have another one move in.
His father stood there, speechless, staring at him, shocked and drenched in disapproval.
"are you shitting me…I mean what exactly are you saying here?" His face grew red with anger.
"what does it sound like I am trying to say?" Doug was beginning to grow impatient.
"Well…it *sounds* like my oldest *son* is trying to tell me that he is a god damn fucking faggot…is that right? Did I hear you correctly? Because if I did…then we really need to clarify things."
"Like what? I thought that is what I came here to do-clarifying things."
"If your idea of clarification is to show your one and only father that he is a failure than I guess your mission was accomplished."
"that-" Doug attempted to fight tears. "that's not fair…you are not being fair…"
"Well!" he threw his hands in the air as if to say 'I give up', "what's fair anymore…is fair finding out that your son is a faggot? Finding out that he would rather stick his dick in another man's ass, he would rather break the laws of god and man, before having sex with a woman?"
Doug's attempts to stay tear free failed as he heard his father speak these crushing words. He was no longer holding back, he hadn't the strength for it anymore. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes.
"how can you say that to me?" He looked upon his father with pleading eyes.
"How can I not? Doug, I will say whatever it takes to get you to see…you disgust me."
"Dad." he started, but his voice caught in his throat and what came out could only be described as a whimper.
"I can't stand the sight of you…get out of my face." Doug stood there, helplessly looking in on his father, shaking his head disapprovingly. He silently turned to leave.
"and Doug?" his tone was softer now, giving Doug a shred of hope.
He turned around, "yeah?"
"don't bother coming in tomorrow…your fired."
"What? What the fuck is that? You can't do that to me! You can't just do that! You can't fire me…not like this…not because you are mad at me!"
"Like hell, I can't…Doug, do you have any idea what your job means? What it stands for? This job is about honor…upholding it and proving that it still exists in a world of freaks, hypocrites and drug addicts. Now what you are doing with your life has nothing to do with honor. It's disgusting and wrong. You. Are disgusting…now get out of my police station and out of my life…I disown you."
"I'm sorry to hear that dad…" Doug began, attempting to pick his voice back up from the shattered whimper it had been moments earlier.
"because you know I really thought that you would handle this differently. But apparently I was wrong…"
With that, Doug silently walked out of the station, waiting until he was in his car to let out the sobs that had been stewing inside of him. He sat down, rested his head on his steering wheel and let them out in explosive bursts, his body shook and convulsed with a hurting so powerful, he couldn't move…this went on for ten minutes before he finally put his key in the ignition and drove…he didn't know where he was driving, he just had to get away.
He had to get out of Capeside.