A/N: So...this is a thing. Um...enjoy? *shrugs*

In the living room of the Loud house, its restless patriarch kept his strained nerves under wrap (or at least, he tried to) as his hands clutched the edges of the Morgan Herald while he reclined on the couch, his wife tending to some knitting right beside him.

Stocks. Politics. Local sports. None of it could truly divert his attention away from the scandal that was likely happening under his nose, under his watch, as he sat idly by and just…just let it happen! How did Rita convince him to let this slide, to gamble with their innocent little girl's purity with such lofty principles as trust?!

Trust?! Pah! The only thing Lynn Sr. trusted were the consequences that would arise from what two excited libidos could do under one roof with no one willing to quash the fevered rush of emotions and hormones that would only result in disaster! It was already a full house with thirteen people, for Pete's sake! What would he and Rita do with another mouth to feed?! Or heck, maybe another after that; it wasn't like a twin (or, so help them, an octuplet) pregnancy was out of the question!

But what was out of the question was this…this indolent nonsense! No horny sales clerk was gonna knock up his precious little angel while his veins pumped enough piss and vinegar to knock some sense into him if he had to!

The kinetic force behind his sudden rising from the couch, along with her keen instinct, gave away his intentions to Rita without so much as a second guess on her end.

"Don't even think about it, Lynn," Rita said knowingly, as sharply as her needle-equipped jabs through her patterned yarn.

Lynn Sr. sighed exasperatedly, not in the mood for objections. "But, Rita, I-"

"No 'buts'. We've already talked about this before they came here," This time, Rita bothered to look up at him as she spoke, her hardened expression conveying no room for compromise. "Just leave them alone."

'Oh no, not this time,' Lynn Sr. thought.

As he tossed away his newspaper over his shoulder, he decided that if there was any time not to kowtow to one of his wife's insistences, it would be now.

"Yes, we talked," he admitted, "but I should've never agreed with you."

Rita quirked an eyebrow and set her craftsmanship aside.

"Excuse me?" she asked, resting her fists on her hips. "What?"

Admittedly, his heart skipped a bit from her agitated scowl, but that's all the weakness he permitted before he dug in his heels even further.

"Don't give me that, Rita. Our daughter is in her bedroom with her boyfriend, doing God knows what behind a closed door. You can't tell me I shouldn't be worried that they'd be…be…"

Lynn Sr.'s face reddened lightly, his tongue tied up in knots. It was one thing to think ill of any illicit possibilities from his daughter, but something about saying it out loud made him falter—it was just as embarrassing to bring up the "s-word" to Leni when he and Rita had…that talk with her a week into her relationship.

Evidently, Rita found his flustering amusing enough to smirk at him, which only registered as more daunting than her defiant frowning.

"Y-you know, doing…that," he finished weakly as he looked aside.

Rita chuckled as she crossed her legs. "It's called 'sex', dear."

She rolled her eyes and chuckled again when his blush glowed.

"I know, I know!" he cried.

"I mean, we have eleven children. I'd be shocked if you didn't know."

She laughed hardily while he groaned miserably. Oh, that was wonderful. Sure, the sanctity of Leni's virtue was probably being compromised, and all she seemed willing to do was make a joke out of it.

Before he knew it, his face formed into a stern pout, provoking Rita to sober up and approach him with sensitivity.

"Look," Rita said as she walked up and gave his husband a hug, "Leni hasn't given us any reason to doubt her since she's been dating Chaz. It's not fair to barge in on them because of paranoia."

"I mean, I get that, but…"

But try as he might, all he could lean on was foggy speculation, nothing close to respectably objective. He still felt enough conviction to, at the very least, assume the worst but what was that going to do in the face of the truth? Leni—and Chaz, by extension—did deserve their trust.

And yet…

"It's…it's just different now," he said, already cringing from how he knew how wife wouldn't accept those words.

Rita pulled back and shot him a peculiar look. "How?"

Lynn Sr.'s let out a whine before he childishly posed, "I just don't want Leni growing up too fast, okay? Is that so wrong?"

"No but refusing to give her the benefit of the doubt is wrong."

Once again, the truth of the matter smacked him across the face and left him speechless.

"I guarantee you that Leni and Chaz aren't having sex up there," Rita insisted, "We've both told her that we believe it'd be best for her to wait until she got married, and she agreed with us. Besides, she promised us that she'd keep the door unlocked. We have our daughter's word. What more do you want?"

Leni's safety, for one thing. Lynn Sr. thought better than to retort with that, though—he didn't want to give the impression that he felt Rita was uncaring about Leni's well-being, no matter how needlessly unflappable he felt she was being. No, she definitely cared, but she also cared about letting Leni be responsible for herself.

But still, that didn't mean that he couldn't just…y'know, be sure. Just for a little bit. One little eavesdropping session never hurt anyone.

"I just wanna check on them once," he said, holding up a finger. "Just. Once. After that, I'll leave them be."

Lynn Sr. watched with bated breath as his wife mulled it over, her pensive, focused stare burning a hole in the carpet. He was worried when she looked back at him with discontent, but breathed a sigh of relief when she said, "Fine. Go ahead and check on them. I just hope you realize how silly you're being once you see that there's nothing to worry about."

"We'll see about that."

But as he headed towards the stairs, he couldn't say that he'd be upset if his wife's intuition proved to be true, even if he would be in for a barrage of "I told you so" on a loop for the next few days.

'So far, so good.'

Granted, it wasn't as if it would've been possible to pick up on any sounds from ten feet away from Leni's bedroom, but hey, he was getting there, alright? He just needed to be quiet, that was all—what was the use of eavesdropping if he lost the element of surprise?

His aged body trembled under careful exertion, bones rattling with apprehension as he treaded silently through the hallway on his tiptoes. Within the span of a minute, ten feet shrunk down to a few inches. Taking a quick second to check his surroundings for good measure, he made his move and pressed his ear against the door. At the first sign of trouble, he'd run in and put a stop to any shenanigans, but for now, he simply waited.

To his pleasure, silence filled his ear. Good. Very good. Silence was golden, after all. Maybe they were doing homework together, although that wouldn't explain why neither of them were asking questions.

Or…maybe they were having a staring contest? Yeah, he liked the sound of that. It was not only wholesome, but the thought of them staring blankly into the other's eyes was kinda cute.

Hmmm, but now that he really thought about it, that probably wasn't likely. Okay, so staring contests and homework were out. Perhaps, the two of them were—

Lynn Sr. froze, his body shuddering with panic. Noise passed through, at last, but it gave him no peace of mind. First, there was murmuring, whispered sounds spoken under the veil of grunting and…and…moaning?! Then, came conversation, words bogged down by haggard, drawn speech.

"Leni, this…this isn't working."

"It'll totes work, Chaz. We can…" A throaty moan sliced through, forbidding her words for a brief moment. "…get you in there. Just…keep pushing. T-trust me."

For Lynn Sr., motion was impossible. The horrifying magnitude of the situation stitched him to the carpet, threading his limbs in place to force him to take everything in as it happened. It was divine punishment for not being there to prevent this sooner—now, he was a prisoner to the torture of her fervid wails, elicited from that…that fiend.

"S-so tight."

"Just…j-just let me-AH!"

Without being aware of it, his fingers broke free from their dazed captivity as they tightened into fists, the teeth of his growling snarl even more tightened.

"You okay, Leni?!"

"Yeah. Y-you just moved a little too fast, and it threw me off."

And to Lynn Sr.'s elevating anguish, her brush with pain was forgotten all too soon, her dainty giggle a sign of submission to whatever that ape wanted out of her.

"Yeah…yeah, that's it."

His ear burned, another round of shrill gasps scalding his flesh.

"A-almost there…"

"Just…just a little b-bit more…"

Red filled his eyes as volcanic fury ignited, thawing him out of his stasis. With a mighty bellow and an even mightier grip on the doorknob, Lynn Sr. flung the door open, his strength nearly tearing it off its hinges

"AHA!" he shouted, blindly pointing an accusatory finger towards…

…

…

…

Huh?

Unless Chaz and Leni somehow managed to dress themselves and place themselves in their current position, it looked like Lynn Sr. had a lot of egg to wipe off his face—instead of catching two teenagers in the heat of passion, Chaz had one of his legs fitted inside a mascot outfit (a bull, if Lynn Sr.'s eyes weren't deceiving him) while Leni crouched down in front of him, her arms wrapped around the leg.

Chaz flashed a weak, awkward smile. "Uh, hey, Mr. L. Everything okay?"

"You…I-I thought you…" Lynn Sr. whipped his head around to face Leni, who looked equally as taken aback as her boyfriend "…a-and you were—"

"What's wrong, Dad?" Leni interrupted, casting him a worried look.

Rita's words bounced around in his head, taunting him for his foolishness. He wouldn't be able to save face with her—he'd man up and admit he was wrong—but he could at least scurry away without her daughter thinking any less of him.

"Nothing," he chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just…uh…it just sounded like you kids needed help, so I decided to…well, mosey right on in and see if I could lend a helping hand."

Leni beamed. "Oh, don't worry, Dad. This outfit's a pretty tight fit, but we managed to get one of his legs in, at least."

"We've got it covered, Mr. L," Chaz assured, holding up the "ok" hand gesture. "Thanks anyway."

Thanking his lucky stars that he was getting away scot-free, Lynn Sr. turned on his heels, walking away and leaving his trustworthy daughter and reliable boyfriend behind to get to their little…mascot mishap.

"Well, alright then. If you need anything, just give me a holler," he said, shutting the door behind him as he whistled a merry little tune on his way back to his wife.

Leni's eye peered through the crack in the door, taking it upon herself to quietly slip it open once her father left them alone, while her boyfriend slipped out of the leg of the outfit before he kicked it aside.

"Is he gone?" he asked, his tone seeping with giddy impatience.

Leni gave him a thumbs-up before she quietly closed and locked the door. "Yeeeeeeee-ep," she said as she turned around, shooting him a triumphant grin and a wink.

Chaz snickered, his elation at an all-time high. "I can't believe that worked. Looks like your mascot outfit purchase wasn't all for nothing, after all."

Leni scoffed, her lips peeling into a smirk. "See? I told you that you didn't have to worry. Like, my parents are complete idiots." She let out a wicked chuckle. "Especially my dad. Now that we know that he won't be bothering us, we can really have some fun."

Chaz, who was now sitting at the edge of Leni's bed, was a slave to his siren's spell—the hypnotic swing of her hips tested the fabric of her dress as she sauntered slowly towards him, her dress slipping up and down the smooth planes of her legs. Her eyes, which were once lucent and pure, were now pools of lecherous, darkened intent and aimed squarely on the boy that looked ready to pounce on her and wolf her down like a rack of prime ribs.

Chaz grinned lazily. "You're such a babe when you're all devious and stuff," he purred lowly.

"Oh, believe me, Chaz-berry," Leni said as she, at last, stood before him, "you haven't seen devious yet."

Her hands slid down to the bottom of her dress, and her captive's eyes widened. With one deft motion, she gripped onto the hem and pulled the dress over her head, pinching the garment in her thumb and forefinger and dangling it at her side. The spittle that slowly dripped out of the corner of his agape mouth provoked a giggle, along with a half-lidded glare that she could tell was melting his brain into mush—it seemed that even a modest pair of white undergarments was enough to turn him into putty.

"Awwwwww, does Chaz like?" she teased, slowly descending on his lap.

She was greeted with a greedy pair of hands clasping softly around her hips and a reply that made a pleasant shiver traveled from her spine to her toes.

"Oh yeah. Chaz liiiiiiike."

Lynn Sr. awoke with a girlish scream, his body jackknifing upwards. The sweat on his brow dripped onto his sheets as his heart beat rapidly in sync with his breathy pants.

'That's it,' he thought, thanking the heavens that his wailing didn't stir his wife from her heavy slumber. 'I'm having Lisa install cameras in Leni's bedroom first thing tomorrow morning.'

Oh, and wiretaps! Ha! A "complete idiot", huh?! Oh, he'd show her!