A/N

So this was originally posted in Life in Camelot but I decided to post it separately incase I ever decided to add to it (which I am seriously considering).

Sometimes Arthur wondered if it was even worth it, his entire life was a lie wrapped up in a false hope that maybe it would get better. He spent his life standing by watching as his father burned his own people. He lied and pretended to hate the only people who could possible understand his fears, his pain. What else could he do though? If his father ever found out... No, he wouldn't even spare Arthur, his heir, his only son. As much as tried to deny it, he couldn't. He constantly felt it burning beneath his skin, a constant reminder of what he was, how wrong he was. Nothing he did would ever make that go away

He wanted to be accepted for who he was, everything about him, even...it. Arthur couldn't even bring himself to say the word, if he said it, it would become a reality and he wanted to avoid that as long as possible. He was still trying to convince himself that maybe he imagined it, maybe it wasn't true, deep down though he knew he was just in denial. Arthur first realized something was wrong one night after a nightmare; he woke up suddenly to the sound of shattering glass. Initially he tried to convince himself it was the wind or some other freak accident. But then he looked more closely and saw his eyes, normally deep blue a blazing gold.

"No, no, no..." Arthur muttered. "NO!" He felt it again; a wave of raw power spread through him and he watched his eyes turn gold as a vase shattered. His whole body shook as he slowly backed away from the shattered mirror, terrified. What would his father say? Could he even tell his father about this? That night Arthur couldn't sleep, fear that his father already knew paralyzing him.

The next morning Arthur had stiffly sat in his chair during the council meeting as Uther discussed his plan to capture a druid camp. All Arthur could think about was what had happened the night before with it. Merlin had walked in and seen the mess and immediately started to worry,

"What happened? Are you alright?" Arthur scrambled to come up with some sort of explanation that Merlin would buy.

"Oh um… that… yes I broke it…" Lamely replied, it sounded fake even to Arthur. Merlin glanced at Arthur suspiciously and asked,

"How did it break?"

"I… threw something…" Arthur supplied.

"Throwing another temper tantrum?" Merlin asked, smirking, secretly knowing something else was going on.

"I was pretending it was your head," Arthur corrected, trying to force a smirk, only managing a slight grimace. During the meeting Merlin kept sending Arthur worried looks, knowing something was wrong. Arthur forced himself to focus, feeling sick as Uther described what he wanted to do to the "Filthy druids".

During the raid, Arthur froze, their terrified faces as his men cut through him made Arthur feel sick. What if that was him? It was too much, Arthur tried to subtly slip away in the chaos unnoticed, something he'd never done before.

The next day Arthur was hiding in his chambers, trying in vain to figure out what to do. Could he handle another raid like that now that he was like this? He couldn't tell his father, and he couldn't keep running away. Arthur screamed in frustration, causing another surge of raw power and the water pitcher to explode. Arthur leaned against the wall and slumped to the floor, what could he do? How could he keep this secret if he couldn't even control it? And then it hit him. What if he learned to control it? Their where plenty of books on it in the vault, maybe he could even figure out why this happened, figure out a way to get rid of it.

Arthur stood and hurried out of his chambers and went started down towards the vault. Arthur was about to pull the door open when a voice sternly asked,

"Arthur what are you doing down here?" Arthur slowly turned to face his father, scrambling for something to say, feeling sick as he did so. Would he always have to lie to his father like this?

"After the raid on the druid camp… I felt like… I needed to understand better what we were up against and thought I'd do a little research…" The excuse sounded pathetic, but Uther seemed to buy it. He beamed down at his son and agreed,

"Learning more about the enemy can never hurt. Don't spend to long down there." Arthur nodded his head and hurried inside before his father could say anything else. Arthur leaned heavily against the door, suddenly feeling like a huge weight was settling over him. There had to be something he could do.

As he tore through book after book, his hope that there was something he could do to stop this faded. None of the books even mentioned how someone got magic, much less how to stop it. Another dark though passed through Arthurs mind, What if there is no way to stop it…you deserve to die…

Did he really deserve to die for something he couldn't even control? Did anyone deserve to die for this? It all felt so wrong, Arthur didn't know what he could, or what he should, do. He certainly couldn't tell anyone, he knew his men, they were loyal to the king, and they would turn him in a heartbeat. But, how long could he possibly hide this? He had no way to even control it, and if these bursts kept happening someone would eventually notice. Once again Arthur felt like he was the big loser, was that how all they always felt?

Arthur continued to stare at the useless books, heart pounding madly in his chest. The only thing talked about in these books where spells! How did every other magic user live with magic without getting caught? Than an idea hit him, what if he learned some of these spells? What if learning how to use magic helped him stop the outbursts? Once he got it under control he would never use it again, like Gaius. It was breaking the law, but what other choice did he have? As long as his father didn't find out it would work, it had to work.