"I'm done!" I wanted to tell him that and see the look on his face.
Will he get angry? Will he just laugh or smirk at me? Will he even stop me from leaving? Can he take my words seriously? Will he?
"No. He will not. He will just get his way on me and the day would proceed as if I said nothing." That's what my answers are for my damn own questions. I must be laughable here on my position but I don't care. There's so much going on in my head to mind what others would think of me. Sitting for hours in this large stone will get me nowhere but watching the sun slowly fall down calms me down. It makes me questions my actions before I could do them. The quiet and low sound of the ocean would drift my worries away. Yet the waves from it would also bring it back. A relief for mere seconds nonetheless comes back double, opposite of the bliss I countered, as if the heaviness of my feelings relied on them.
He makes me crazy. Literally. If it is not for him, I would be on my way to my job, chasing my dreams of filling my camera with scenes that could open the eyes of many, instead I am here at the docks trying to figure out my own self. I could no longer remember how it felt to be my own self. To feel my own feet as I stand on my personal footing. He owned me that sometimes I cannot think of what I wanted to do. I still have my own will but it's just everything I ended up doing will be based on what he thinks. If it would please him, I'll do it. If not, that will be out of the chart.
I really wanted to tell him that –that I'm done with our relationship. I'm tired. I could no longer tolerate his possessiveness. I couldn't breathe anymore. We've been together for two years but it was just recently I felt this way. I feared that my affection towards him is fading away. My body's getting tired of dealing him –personally and intimately. The fulfillment after our bodies became one was slowly getting worrisome. The warm feeling inside me started to get cold. He was still passionate as ever but it was just lately that I was drifting away. I would always have my back facing him afraid to see me, the whole me. I even don't want to look at him eye to eye! Why? Because his eyes were the deadliest of all, as what I learned over the years. They were full of emotions than his words and actions. One look at his eyes and I am on my knees trembling of what would become of me. I beg for his touch but recently, I wished it would finish immediately. I acted base on routine not on instincts anymore. I know he sees through me but I don't think it deeply. What he sees is what he got. I wanted to stop thinking about the possibilities of my own thoughts but the way it is, I need to do something. I can't have this hefty sentiment every day or else it'll be worse. He knows me better than on my own and I know he started to notice the little difference of what I am having and doing.
I fear of Asami and what he is capable of doing. Seeing how his hands manipulate all the things, and people, brings me horror of what he can do if I say those words to him. He would trap me or imprison me. That's how he became attached to me. If he only could see me 24/7 he would. Though he can by the eyes of the bodyguards he forced to stay. To deal with my life with an extra pair of eyes is not what I even dream off. I said no but he insisted.
And I gave in.
His old sick love is very demanding and the anxiety of keeping it up started to cloud my own personality.
I hate Asami. I hate everything he does. I hate the way he deals with everything that involves me. I hate the way he chained my feelings. I hate how he brings my deepest secrets I didn't know I have in me. I hate how he understands me in a way I could never realize. I hate how he cares for me. I hate how he can travel the circumstances just to make me safe. I hate how he whispers his affections towards me. I hate how he offers me everything. I hate how he put me first before himself. I hateAsami. I hate him.
"And I love him."
A confession I would never say to him even if he tortures me to death. I would never admit it. It's so freaking hard to understand how I wanted to get away from him, to get and live my life before meeting him yet I can't bring myself to do it. To go back and pick up the pieces of me he slowly removed. But who I am kidding? Asami, he removed them but it was me who threw them. I threw them away to please him. To give myself to him. I allowed him to own me.
The cold breeze of the ocean could never be compared the coldness of what I am feeling. The coldness inside that it was me who was making the distance. The realization of I could never give back of what he can give me. The lack of option I could offer him is deadly as an insecure glare from me to the mirror. The fright of him slipping away from me made me stunned and my answer to it is to get away from him before he can leave me. I'm afraid of him leaving me. I could never imagine it. The sight of him unconscious and no sign of life were more frightening than all the experience I had to go through for him. To see him going away was like seeing me let go of my own life.
Asami is my life. I don't want to go through it again.
I don't want to lose Asami.
He is mine.
I could never allow him to be gone.
I couldn't breathe not because he was there occupying the emptiness of me but he was not there with me. Days of not having the Asami I talked back to, the Asami, who can drown me to my own lust, the Asami who can make me feel alive is like living without my heart. It felt empty and incomplete.
I can exchange my life for him. I will do it even if he didn't want it. If Asami's gone in every aspect of this world, I will make a way to go and find him. He and I share this life and wherever he has to go, I will make to it that I was there beside him. Smiling and holding his hand so tight that he could never let it go. Because there's no point in living this life without Asami. There is no replacement for him. Not his money, his territory but he himself. Blood, bones and flesh.
He is my life. My heart. My air. My everything.
And even if I forget myself in the process of loving living with him, I know, he will – bring it back to make myself whole again.
And in return, I will make sure that Asami would keep on having me just like how he can always find me no matter where I am.
And as I stand up to this stone leaving the salty breeze of the open ocean field, I know he is there on my back, not far away, waiting for me, smoking his favorite addiction, watching me get back to him because he knows that, finally, I know where I truly belong.
To his arms and to his old same sick love.