This Fanfiction doesn't belong to me; it is simply a translation from German to English.

I'm trying to do my best to make my favourite story available to more readers, so please be kind and don't be annoyed by mistakes. You are welcome to correct my English as it is far from being perfect.

Credits go to Melisendis, who actually wrote this story with the beautiful name of "Schneeflocken". All of you able to understand German should perhaps rather read her story than poor translation of it.

I also already apologize for not updating frequently. I have got quite a stressful student life so I might not be able to update in a few weeks.

Please be patient!

Enjoy :)

No man should be afraid of death, but that man never start to live.

Marc Aurel

Prologue

It was one of these nights which reminded me of my old life. Thick snowflakes covered the earth. Couples in love walked through the snow-covered park holding hands. The little quarter emanated an unbearably peace and calmness. The man, who had been selling newspapers from his little stand in front of the oak tree for thirty years, greeted me friendly. I didn't return his greeting. The thought of upcoming Christmas almost made me lose my mind. The newspaper guy was a hypocrite – like the happy couples and the whole damn rest of the entire city. I was very glad to finally reach my warm flat. Like every night I first made myself a can of coffee and sat down in front of the small fireplace to read Tolstoi. He was the only one to understand me. Who had always understood me.

At last I noticed the blinking of my answering machine. My curiosity won over my laziness and I actually began checking my messages. The first message was from Matt. He needed money quite urgently – as usual. I wasn't surprised to hear Jenny's voice next. She usually called during this time of the year to ask the same old questions. I sat down again and listened to the melodious voice of my youngest rather unfocusedly.

"…he gave me your new number. You have to come home immediately!"

His voice pulled me out of my thoughts. It had been forty years, but it suddenly seemed to me like it had happened yesterday. We were standing in the corridor. One word followed the other. The door closed with a loud bang. I saw the young woman I had once been in front of me. I saw how she got into her black jaguar and turned her back on her home. This day had changed everything. I had slowly begun to destroy my life without even realizing it.

I felt my stomach clench, my heart started to pound heavily. Why did he call? There could only be one reason for his call. I saw her eyes looking at me, hurt. She had cried. I had still left without even turning around once.

Only a few minutes later, I was standing at the bus stop with my shiny new suitcase. I had the longest journey of the last few years in front of me. I had seen many countries and collected lots of experience while travelling. But nothing had prepared me for what I was about to do now. I would return to my past.

He had said "Home". The sad truth was that I didn't have a home anymore…

Chapter 1

Wilhelm von Humboldt once said that "only someone who knows his past can actually have a future". I know my past quite well but can I have a future?

I wasn't really able to able to say what exactly made me wake up. It could have been the loud sneezing of the massive person sitting next to me, the annoying phone conversation of the person in front of me or simply the inhuman way of the bus driver to make use of his brakes.

It was very warm on the bus. The driver seemed to be afraid of his passengers freezing to death. I swept a strain of hair out of my face and looked out of the window. The plan of locating me failed at first. As I suddenly realized where I was, my heartbeat increased tremendously. Hartford. How long had it been?

My last time in Hartford had been the funeral of my grandmother. She had followed my grandfather only half a year later. The thought of her funeral eulogy made tears sneak into my eyes. It had taken me hours to write it. Emily Gilmore had deserved a dignified goodbye. She had always been a wonderful grandmother.

I had stayed in Stars Hollow for some days out of politeness, despite my already rather chilled relationship with my mother. This had proved to have been a big mistake. My mother had never been good at discreetness. She waited for Luke and Logan to go to the diner, put the children in front of the television – obviously supplied with a load of movies and popcorn – and pulled me upstairs. I already knew what she wanted to talk about. I had seen it in her face. I had been thankful for her to wait till the funeral service was over.

"Do you think I'm blind?" she had asked me with a demanding voice.

I had only sighed. What should I have told her? To say that I had made a big mistake would have been a lie. It was no mistake. In fact, this and the divorce from Logan were the only right decisions I had ever made.

"Rory, say something!" Yes, the tone of our conversations had definitely changed.

"No."

"What, no?"

Denial wouldn't have made any sense. Matt was the spitting image of his father. The older he grew, the more he resembled him. The following argument had led to a total break-off of communication. She had too often tried to mess with my life.

Luke tried to stop us." Don't part like this." He had whispered it into my ear while I was getting into Logan's car. But I had turned my back on my home town for the second and last time.

"You have become as cold as ice." Paris, of all people, had informed me of this when we had met two weeks later. Cold as ice. It had been a mistake to tell her about the argument with my mother. I should have known she wouldn't understand.

The next abrupt use of the brakes pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Stars Hollow", announced the bus driver good-humoured. He had a smoky, disagreeable voice.

The way to the door appeared to be endless. Each step increased the weight on my heart. The closer I came to my destination, the more certain I was that my premonition had been right.

The driver wished me a nice day before I left the bus. I felt an ounce of sarcasm in his words.

Nothing had changed. My eyes wandered through the snow-covered town. It was still early morning and therefore quite deserted. I was thankful for not arriving later during the day.

The whole of Stars Hollow seemed to have already caught the Christmas spirit. There were chains of light on every house and even reindeers and Santa's in some gardens.

Even the pavilion had been decorated. I smiled. For a very short moment I almost felt like the person I had once been.

"Rory? No, that's not possible!"

I turned, terrified, and looked into a pair of brown eyes. The woman went through her snow white hair and smiled lightly. Her eyes and lips were surrounded by wrinkles. A sign for her laughing throughout her life. Her forehead seemed to be covered by wrinkles as well.

"Sookie. Hello." I gave her my hand. It shocked me to see her so old. Suddenly I became aware of my own age. I had turned 60 last month. Is it even possible to start over in this age?

"Rory." She ran a finger over my cheek as if I still was the little girl from the past. "Have you seen her already?" Didn't she see my suitcase? " No, I have just arrived."

Sookie nodded sadly. " She is asking for you. Almost every day." Her eyes filled with tears.

The weight on my heart became unbearable. I felt like I was suffocating.

"Excuse me, but I have to see Mum." Mum. How long had I not used it?

A few minutes later, I was standing in front of the house of my childhood. My heart pounded. What would expect me? I was afraid. I walked up the few stairs tentatively. My fingers trembled as I rang the bell.

"Rory." Luke regarded me sadly. His hair had turned completely grey, wrinkles had formed around his eyes.

"Luke." I hugged him, a gesture which surprised me myself.

The man, who had always been my father, softly caressed my back.

I let go of him slowly. " Is Mum alright?" I already knew the answer.

He sighed. "Come in first."

He poured me a coffee, like in old times. We sat down on the little couch. I looked around. Mum hadn't really changed much.

" She gets weaker every day, Rory. She's been sick quite often in the last two years", he began. His voice trembled, he avoided my glance.

Two years…why didn't they call earlier? I would have come directly.

The weight on my heart still increased. I was afraid of what he was still going to say.

"Half a year ago she fell and hit her head. Her memory is weak ever since. There are good and bad days. It has happened that she didn't even recognize me." He had tears in his eyes. I took his hand and pressed it softly.

"Her immune system is very weak. I have to take care of her diet. According to the doctor, food containing caffeine or lots of fat can be quite dangerous to her health." Luke sighed sadly.

"How…could this happen?"

"She's an old woman, Rory. Her body gets sicker every day", he said silently.

"Is she upstairs?" I needed to see my Mom. As fast as possible. I couldn't bear sitting in the living room much longer.

"She is probably still sleeping. Rory, there's also something else…"

My heartbeat stopped.

"She has caught the flu again."

Flu. Flu is curable! She'll be fine again. For sure. I swallowed my tears. "We'll nurse her till she's well again." My voice cracked. Tears were running down my cheeks.

"Her body is too weak, Rory. The doctor says she has…about 2 weeks left."

What do these so called Gods know about the willpower of Lorelai Gilmore? "How can you give her up already? Mum has always been a fighter! She won't let a simple flu get her down!" I just couldn't accept reality. I was the daughter who needed her most beloved mother. Mum, I need you! I have always needed you! During every second of my life…You can't just go. I won't let you! Under tears I cried:" She will be well again. Mum will be fine!" I felt like I was suffocating. Luke pressed me to his chest and sobbed.

It took me almost three hours till I was able to enter the bedroom of my Mum. I trembled while I slowly approached her bed. She was pale; her eyes had lost their brightness. "Mum."

Tears ran down my cheeks as I sat down on the edge of the bed.

She lifted her small think hand very slowly and caressed my cheek awkwardly.

"Rory", she grinded out. "My Rory."

I sank down to her chest, sobbing, but set back up again directly. I was afraid of hurting her.

"Don't cry", Mum whispered.

I looked at her and tried to smile. "You will be well again. I promise."

She smiled. " They won't let me drink coffee anymore, can you believe that?"

"No." I returned her smile.

"How is little Carol?", she inquired.

Little Carol was by now almost forty years old, lived in Puerto Rico and expected her third and fourth child, they were going to be twins. As if they didn't have enough problems already. "She is fine", I answered finally. It wasn't a lie.

My eldest actually seemed to be happy with her life.

"Good." Mum smiled.

"What happened?", she asked at last.

I hesitated. Mum looked at me sadly. "We were friends. How could this happen? How could we become such strangers? I can only remember parts of it…there are so many missing pieces. What happened, Rory? I…don't understand."

I can remember every detail but still don't know how it could get this far. I wanted to let past be past, but instinctively knew, that it wouldn't be possible. We had to talk about the last decades at last.

Mum pressed my hand and looked at me pleadingly. "Rory, I know it's hard. My memory has become so weak. I want us to finally talk about everything…to sort this out…before I'm going to die."

"You will not die!" The weight on my heart increased. "You are a fighter!"

Mum simply nodded.

"Do you remember Matt and Jenny?"

She looked at dresser opposite her bed with a concentrated look and finally shook her head. "It's horrible! I know there's something inside me. But I just can't remember. Luke says that it isn't always like this. That there are good days as well. I can still remember some parts very clearly. For example the day of the opening of the Dragonfly. Luke and I kissed then for the first time." She smiled. " But after that….there are so many gaps…" Her eyes watered.

It was terrible for her. It seemed as if many years of her life had almost been completely deleted.

She softly ran a finger over my hand. It was a request. I breathed deeply and began narrating.

It was the least I could do for her.