Title: Final Answer
By Jaye Reid
Commenced: June 4, 2002
Completed: June 10, 2002
Rating: PG13 language warning.
Spoilers: Season 1 - 3 up to and including finale. Post ep. to Posse Comitatus.
Category: Songfic/ J&D (Angst/Romance)
Disclaimer: Not mine no matter how hard I wish on the evening star (which is actually Venus)... no they are the playthings of Sorkin and WB. Taken out for a spin and returned in better condition than they were borrowed. Song lyrics and story title from the song "Final Answer" by 'The Calling.'
Summary: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw.
Josh has come to the conclusion he's made enough mistakes to last a lifetime.
Archiving: 'Boulevard of Misdirection'
http://users.mcmedia.com.au/~jayereid/jldmmain.htm
The National Archive and Fanfiction net. If anyone else wants it, just ask.
Author's notes: My first WW songfic. Please, don't cringe... If you don't usually read songfic's this one is a bit more punchy than the usual so you might find you like it. This was supposed to be a quick little fic to cure a bad dose of writers block (Nancy disease ). It somehow decided to take on a much bigger life and run away. Thanks to Nancy for the chocolate, Aim for the encouragement and laughs, and Bridget for being the battling beta with a busted wrist!
~*~*~
He wasn't sure whether it was the cool night air or the thoughts conjured up from the evening phone call. Either way a shiver rattled his bones, not for the first time since he had left Amy's apartment.
Another senseless death at the wrong end of a gun.
The dew on the grass cooled his toes through the leather of his shoes, but he didn't acknowledge the cold.
With his hands tightly fisted in his coat pockets, he reached the footpath again and followed it under the streetlights, not taking any particular notice of his journey.
Not particularly noticing anything at all.
His new cell phone still surprised him with its unfamiliar ring tone.
Slumping down on a hard bench he retrieved the annoyance from his inside coat pocket. Josh looked at the number for the third or perhaps fourth time since he had mumbled goodbye to Amy and for the third or fourth time he ignored the call.
There was nothing to say that hadn't been said earlier.
Before he had the chance to return the phone to his pocket, it rang again.
He almost dropped it.
Josh groaned and looking again at the display.
This time he punched the receive button.
"Hey Donna."
"Josh?" came the panicked reply. "Josh where the hell are you?"
"Why are you ringing me at this time of night?"
"Because your girlfriend phoned me. She couldn't raise you at your place or on your cell and you're not here at the office. I got you first try, maybe she's trying the wrong number? You should tell her that she..."
"Donna, it's okay," he sighed. "She's got the right number."
"Josh... where are you? Have you been... do you need me to come pick you up from a bar somewhere?"
"No."
"Josh..."
"You should be asleep Donna. Why don't you go home to bed?"
"Josh, tell me where you are?"
"I'm okay Donna, I just need... to think... get some things clear in my head."
"If you're okay then tell me where you are Josh?" she asked again. She bit her bottom lip as she twisted the phone cord through her slender fingers and she leaned back against his desk. She was glad his office was dark. She didn't want to face anyone who might walk past.
She knew her expression would give away the 'in control' composure she was trying to achieve.
The charade was failing dismally as every silent second passed between them.
Josh sighed and kicked his feet up onto the bench, laying himself flat on his back on the cold hard surface like a vagabond with no where else to go. He rubbed his temples with his free hand and gazed up into the night sky. He couldn't see the stars, he wished he could. The city lights drowned them out it was all just a haze.
The sky above him wasn't the only thing that seemed hazy tonight.
He wanted to see the stars.
He wanted clarity.
"Josh? Josh... are you still there? Say something, please?"
"Did you know that in Greek mythology, the month of May was named after the Goddess Maia? She was the eldest daughter of Atlas and Pleione and then Zeus had his wicked way with her. She was supposedly beautiful and shy and Zeus already had a wife. But he took her - in the cave where she had retreated and she bore him a child that caused no end of trouble. You know if Zeus hadn't done that... then they might not have named the month of May after her."
"Josh..."
"I've really screwed up Donna. More than usual... even for me. I've totally made a mess of so many things these past few months and I don't know how or whether I can fix them. I thought if I found the right one... well I'd be happy. Everything else would just fall into place. But it didn't. I don't know if that means I didn't find the right one or I am just totally inept at normal relationships."
****
I want love
To carry me through
All the moments, I'd kindly undo
Locked away
So I can feel safe
Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change
****
"Please Josh... tell me you haven't done anything... that you won't... Josh I need to know where you are. I need to know right now... Josh you're scaring me, where are you?" she pleaded.
Her tone finally seeped into his foggy brain. He sat upright, his feet still on the seat. "Scared? Donna why would you be... Hey Donna... it's okay, I'm okay. I'm not having an... an... episode or anything. I'm annoyed at myself, and yeah a bit depressed about where my life has deteriorated to... but I'm not going to do anything... stupid."
"Then tell me where you are," she continued to insist. Her voice slightly calmer at his admission.
Josh swung himself around dropping both feet to the ground. He looked up at his surroundings. Until then he had honestly not taken any notice of where he had walked. Had he really walked this far? He looked at his watch and tried to see the time, he held his arm up and twisted his wrist in several directions before a trace of light caught it at the right angle and he could read the time.
"Donna... do you have any idea what time it is?" he asked, already factoring in any inaccuracy.
"It's sometime after two am," she replied, "I'm not sure exactly, I haven't put your light on in here."
"You're in my office?"
"Yes."
"You should be home in bed. Did you see CJ tonight?"
"No, they had someone take her straight home and I'm not going home until I know you're okay."
"I'm okay Donna... go home."
"No."
"Well that worked as per usual."
"Josh..."
"Ahh... I'm down near the Tidal Basin somewhere... near the Jefferson memorial. Will you go home now?"
"No. Why are you there, Josh?"
"I don't know... I just... I just walked and I'm here."
"Hang on Josh... there's a call coming through. I told Amy I would call her back if I heard from you... it might be her."
"Donna... don't tell her where I am. I don't want... you can let her know you found me and if I'm not asking too much, tell her I will call by and pick up anything of mine at her place later today."
"Josh, am I about to tell Amy you're breaking up with her? Because if you are, then yes, you're asking too much. And no matter what I think of her... she... you should do that yourself."
"Yeah, you're right - I'm sorry. Can you tell her you found me and that I will call by her place in the morning?"
"I can do that. Promise you won't hang up?"
"I promise Donna, I'll hold."
Josh stood and wandered down to the waters edge whilst he waited for Donna to come back on the line. He bent down and scooped the cold still water through his fingers. When did it all start to go to hell, he wondered. When he first stumbled sideways into Amy? Funny he thought, he didn't mind admitting Donna was right, but the thought that Amy had been right with her 'hit and run' theory still stung. He didn't want to be that guy. Was it the day Donna told him about her lie? Was it the night she told him about Cliff? It would be easy to say yeah... it's her fault. Lay the blame at someone else's feet. Blame the President for putting them in the position in the first place. That would be easier, give someone else the responsibility.
But it didn't change the outcome.
If he wanted he could perhaps go back to the night of their non-anniversary, when Donna told him how she really hurt her ankle. His heart contracted. If he had let go of his fears, he would not have let her walk past him in the doorway.
Carpe diem - he should have.
Stopped her right there and held her. Promised her that he'd never give her a reason to run red lights. But he didn't, and look where those fears had got him.
What it had almost cost him.
Almost.
****
Look down at the water,
Before I jump in,
To find I was sinking fast, in all that might have been.
****
"Josh?"
"Hey, I'm here Donna."
"You're breaking up with her Josh?" Donna asked, unsure whether she wanted to hear the answer.
He chuckled to himself and looked out across the water. "I think history will record it as a mutual parting of ways. You told her you'd found me?"
"Yes and I didn't need to elaborate."
"It's all gone to hell hasn't it," Josh sighed.
"What Josh?"
"Everything... do you think we can fix it?" he questioned her seriously. How was it that he could say these things to her across a phone line and not in person? What sort of coward was he?
"Josh, I..."
"Hey amongst all my other things, I've got this inherent fixing compulsion going... I can fix everything, right?" he rambled, hoping he sounded convincing.
"You know you can't Josh. I know you want to, I know you try to and I admire that quality within you so much, but sometimes... sometimes you just have to admit you've done all you can."
"I can't?"
"No Josh. As much as you try, not everything can be fixed... I don't think you and Amy can be fixed."
"Halleluiah for that," he chuckled.
"That's not very... so, Josh..."
Now or never he decided. "Can this thing between us be fixed Donna?"
"I didn't know we were broken Josh," she replied softly.
It was an automatic response that the words came out her mouth. There were rules. Denial, misdirection... never the truth. Since when did Josh start breaking the rules? But Donna did know, she felt it too. She knew that something was askew, but how could they fix it?
"Donna?"
"Okay," she sighed. Why did this conversation have to take place tonight? Because it was them... that's why she decided. "Things have been a little... off for well, for awhile now."
"I want to fix us. Do you want to fix us?"
*********
What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
I can see now, my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
*********
"Okay," she replied cautiously, but the warmth in her tone was evident.
Josh smiled - he heard it.
She wanted to help fix this.
They could do this.
"It's late Donna, I'm going home. You should go home."
"Are you sure Josh? Because..."
"I'm fine Donna. Better than fine. Go home. We can talk later," he explained as he started to head in the direction of his apartment.
"If you're sure you're okay Josh..."
"Donna go home. You're going to be back in the office before you know it. Get some sleep."
"Okay, I'll go... night Josh."
"Night," he replied, and he pushed the 'end' button on the phone.
~*~
As Josh approached his apartment, a familiar figure sat on his steps. He didn't think he'd have to face this so soon. Not tonight. Was there time to run? Josh wasn't sure he had the strength for this discussion. The long walk had tired him more than he wanted to admit. He wanted daylight to deal with this. But it had to be done, it had to be the truth. There could be no mistake as to what he wanted to say. It was time.
Past time.
Her face turned towards him and she frowned. God there was that frown. He hated the way she frowned at him. She stood as he reached the steps, her blonde tresses reflecting the streetlight.
"You're limping Josh... badly. I thought you said you were okay?"
"And I thought you said you'd go home, Donna?" he replied as he slowly climbed to the step beside her.
"And when did I started doing what you told me to do, Josh?" she replied, crossing her arms over her chest trying to appear annoyed.
He shrugged, "Never?"
She began to open her mouth, to chastise him again Josh was sure, so he held his hand up and began to ascend the steps to the door. "It's no big deal... I'm tired, I've been walking for hours and the muscles in my leg are a bit tight. Nothing that a few hours off my feet won't fix."
She looked up at him, now standing on the top step. Her hands dropped to her sides.
He turned and unlocked the door, before holding out his arm - gesturing her inside.
She nodded and silently they climbed the stairs to his door.
After fumbling with his keys, they entered his apartment. He left her standing just inside the doorway, as he crossed the darkened room to put the light on in the kitchen, leaving the rest of the apartment in darkness.
With the light casting shadows across the lounge area, Donna began to make her way across the room.
Josh stood in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what to say, not knowing where to start. Perhaps start with something simple he told himself.
"Would you like a cup of..."
"J you're home?" came the call from his bedroom.
Josh closed his eyes and dropped his gaze to the floor.
Donna froze half way across the room.
"Where have you been it's after... oh, now... isn't *this* cozy," Amy bristled as she wandered into the room wearing nothing more than a bra and panties.
"Look it's not what you... My God put some clothes on!" exclaimed Josh when he finally looked in Amy's direction and saw her state of undress. This wasn't good.
This, as Sam would say, was bad on so many *many* levels.
Amy disappeared back into his bedroom and Josh was sure he could feel a migraine starting to attack.
Donna for her part hadn't moved from the middle of the lounge room.
She appeared caught in the middle of a train wreck.
Which was an apt description of the situation.
"I think I should leave," Donna stated, surprised to hear her own voice.
"No."
"No?" she questioned his firm resolve.
"No. I didn't ask her to be here, I don't want her to be here," Josh said as he approached her.
"But..."
"Donna I want you here. You'll stay... please?" he added softly.
She nodded her reply and gave him an encouraging smile. This was the first step to fixing the bridges that had been damaged.
"I'll make some coffee... you should go and do... whatever..." she added, waving in the direction of his bedroom.
He sighed. "Yeah."
*******
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black
*******
Josh headed toward his bedroom when Amy came stalking out.
"Hello? Yes I need a taxi..." Amy ordered into her cell phone. Her heels clicking across the floor as she listed off Josh's address. "Fine, thank you." she added before clicking the phone shut and dropping it into her coat pocket.
"Bedroom's free now if you want to go and *fuck* your secretary. Unless of course you want to change the sheets from the last time we *screwed* in there!" she spat.
Josh tried to stay calm. This wasn't going to deteriorate into a verbal slinging match. He wouldn't stoop to her level.
"That isn't what Donna and I are about," he stated calmly, but firmly. "It's more of what you and I were about."
"Yeah right J you fucking sonofabitch. That's all I was to you... a warm piece of meat. Well fine... I don't need you - asshole!"
"All I was to you Amy, was a guy who had a job in a high place. You wanted access to advance your career - Tandy wasn't high enough up the food chain for you, so you set your sights on me. I wanted to believe that wasn't it. I wanted to believe I wasn't a 'hit and run' kinda guy like you said... but I was wrong on both counts."
"And now," she snorted, "my wonderful career? You fucked that up for me too - bastard! Fucking asshole bastard!"
Donna appeared in the doorway. Perhaps Amy hadn't realized she was still there? But then again, Donna doubted Amy even cared.
"You were playing in the big kid's yard Amy. You should have known it would be rougher than the sandpit."
Josh spun around at looked in shock at Donna.
Proud at her comment but shocked that she had said it.
Amy fired back at her. "Oh and you'd fucking know. How many notches have *you* carved on your bedpost since you began working for this Administration? Worked you're way through the senior staff I bet!"
"Amy..." Josh growled looking back at Amy, fully prepared to defend Donna.
"None yet," Donna replied, a smile began to dance on her lips, "But ask me the same question in the morning and I'll let you know if it's changed."
The glare between the two women could have lit the room.
"Oh you can be his little play thing for awhile but one day when you're not as pretty or skinny... he'll find another leggy plaything and you'll be on the scrap heap. Have a nice life J... and don't think this little incident will be forgotten," she snapped as she made her way to the door, slamming it hard as she left.
"Coffee?" came Donna's query from the kitchen doorway.
"Donna... look I'm sorry, I didn't realize she was such..."
"Pure venom?" Donna questioned as she handed him a mug of murky liquid and headed for his sofa.
"Yeah, something like that." He sighed, following and collapsing beside her. He sat his coffee on the table in front of him before running his hands through his hair and leaning back. "She... you..."
"What?" Donna asked, sipping at her coffee.
He turned his face at her sideways with a slight smirk. "You want her to ask you in the morning?"
"Do you want me to have a different answer for her?" Donna asked.
"Donna... my alarm clock is set to go off in under an hour. I don't think I'm capable of giving you the opportunity to answer her any differently," he replied.
Yeah misdirection, thy name is Josh Lyman.
"If you'd just had ten hours sleep?" Donna fired straight back at him.
"Then the chances of me letting you leave my bedroom to tell her would be remote."
Misdirection - maybe not.
"Are you sure this is what you want Josh?"
"I'm not stumbling sideways into you Donna. I've wanted this since... since... you looked beautiful that night Donna."
"What night Josh? I've only looked good once?" she questioned, placing her coffee mug on the table beside his and giving him a wry smile.
"The night... I had a meeting with Matt Skinner. You had a date. You wore your hair down, red dress, neck-breaking heels... I told you if you wanted sex...
"I'd have to have it during dinner? That night Josh? Seriously that was... years..."
"You looked gorgeous and I realized just how bad I wanted to hold you. I wanted to tell you exactly how beautiful you looked... but I... if I started to tell you then I knew I wouldn't be able to stop and I thought I could put all those feelings into a box somewhere. But I've put too many in the box and now the lid doesn't fit. I don't want to find a bigger box Donna, I want to let them out... I want to be able to tell you when I feel like that. The dreams that filled my nights that included you and that dress..."
****
Remember the night you wore that dress
It flowed through our lips
Drink after drink and kiss after kiss
I'm still holding on, day after day
Don't run away
****
"You never said anything Josh... you should have told me."
"Told you what? That I was crazy about you? Could you imagine what Leo would have said? How it would have looked... that I wanted... hell I don't even know what I wanted back then," he sighed.
"Do you know what you want now Josh?" Donna questioned.
"I want you Donna. You're all I want. I know that now," Josh stated convincingly.
"And how it will look... what Leo will say? How has that changed Josh?"
"I don't care anymore. Well I care, but... before... I know how much I could lose. I don't want to lose you Donna. I don't want to do this if you're not going to be there at the end of it all."
"Politics is your life Josh... I won't be part of you not being where you are. I won't be the one that takes you way from it. If Leo says the job or me, I won't let that happen," she reasoned. He had to know what could happen she thought. He had to be aware of the consequences. He had much more to lose than she did.
"And being where I am means absolutely nothing if you're not there to share it with me. I'll convince Leo... I'll do whatever it takes to keep things the way they are. I won't back down on this," he countered. Didn't she realize he had thought about this?
"Josh..."
"Stay with me tonight." He asked earnestly.
"You want me to stay?"
"Yes... we don't have to... I'm not asking you to... well, I don't think I'm capable of... I don't want you to think that's all I want... it's not. You... I... I just want you close."
"One condition."
"Yes, anything... whatever you want, say... of course... what?"
"I'm not getting in that bed unless we change the sheets. After what that bitch said I..."
Josh closed his eyes and exhaled. He cocked an eye half open so he could reach for Donna's hand. "I think that can be arranged."
Donna squeezed his fingers, "Come on or we will fall asleep here."
"Oh God," Josh groaned as he shifted himself forward on the sofa before turning his head towards his bedroom. "Is that my alarm in the bedroom?"
"Yes," Donna sighed. "But we're not going to work today. We both ate something for dinner that didn't agree with us and we're not feeling well."
"We're not?"
"No. Well that's what I'm going to say when I phone in. I rang to tell you I wasn't well, and you told me the same thing. Neither of us has had any sleep Josh we can't go in. The country will survive one day without us."
"Everything is such a mess. Look at me, look at where trying to have a life has got me. I can't even do my job properly. I'm the epitome of dysfunctional," he whined as he dragged his tired body to where he stored the clean linen.
"Ohhh Josh, stop being so melodramatic," Donna complained to him as she stumbled past, taking the clean sheets from his hands as tried to stop more linen from tumbling out onto the floor.
She stood in the doorway as Josh wrapped his arms around her from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder.
"You strip the bed and I will make it up again," she instructed as she leant her head back against him. "Come on or we will fall asleep standing here."
Josh shuffled past her to the bed. He threw the covers back and grabbed the sheets from the middle, wrenching them from the bed and sending pillows flying in various directions. He balled the offending linen in a heap on the floor before dragging the covers from the pillows while Donna quickly replaced the sheets and pillowcases as he tossed the pillows in her direction.
"Done?"
"Yes Joshua, very good. See you're not totally incapable of carrying out a task," she sassed as she quickly tucked the last pillow into its casing.
"Only when you're there to help me. We can fix things together? You and me?" he asked apprehensively.
"Time for sleep Josh. We can talk more later."
"No... Donna... tell me... you and me... don't just..." Josh said wildly, like a frightened child. The darkness always brought out the shadows that couldn't survive in the light. The boldness that he exuberated during the day disappeared when the shadows emerged.
"Hey... Josh. Yes, calm down... you and I," Donna comforted as she wrapped her arm around him and held him tight.
"I'll be here - always."
****
I want love to carry me through
Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do
What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
I can see now, my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
****
The end
By Jaye Reid
Commenced: June 4, 2002
Completed: June 10, 2002
Rating: PG13 language warning.
Spoilers: Season 1 - 3 up to and including finale. Post ep. to Posse Comitatus.
Category: Songfic/ J&D (Angst/Romance)
Disclaimer: Not mine no matter how hard I wish on the evening star (which is actually Venus)... no they are the playthings of Sorkin and WB. Taken out for a spin and returned in better condition than they were borrowed. Song lyrics and story title from the song "Final Answer" by 'The Calling.'
Summary: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw.
Josh has come to the conclusion he's made enough mistakes to last a lifetime.
Archiving: 'Boulevard of Misdirection'
http://users.mcmedia.com.au/~jayereid/jldmmain.htm
The National Archive and Fanfiction net. If anyone else wants it, just ask.
Author's notes: My first WW songfic. Please, don't cringe... If you don't usually read songfic's this one is a bit more punchy than the usual so you might find you like it. This was supposed to be a quick little fic to cure a bad dose of writers block (Nancy disease ). It somehow decided to take on a much bigger life and run away. Thanks to Nancy for the chocolate, Aim for the encouragement and laughs, and Bridget for being the battling beta with a busted wrist!
~*~*~
He wasn't sure whether it was the cool night air or the thoughts conjured up from the evening phone call. Either way a shiver rattled his bones, not for the first time since he had left Amy's apartment.
Another senseless death at the wrong end of a gun.
The dew on the grass cooled his toes through the leather of his shoes, but he didn't acknowledge the cold.
With his hands tightly fisted in his coat pockets, he reached the footpath again and followed it under the streetlights, not taking any particular notice of his journey.
Not particularly noticing anything at all.
His new cell phone still surprised him with its unfamiliar ring tone.
Slumping down on a hard bench he retrieved the annoyance from his inside coat pocket. Josh looked at the number for the third or perhaps fourth time since he had mumbled goodbye to Amy and for the third or fourth time he ignored the call.
There was nothing to say that hadn't been said earlier.
Before he had the chance to return the phone to his pocket, it rang again.
He almost dropped it.
Josh groaned and looking again at the display.
This time he punched the receive button.
"Hey Donna."
"Josh?" came the panicked reply. "Josh where the hell are you?"
"Why are you ringing me at this time of night?"
"Because your girlfriend phoned me. She couldn't raise you at your place or on your cell and you're not here at the office. I got you first try, maybe she's trying the wrong number? You should tell her that she..."
"Donna, it's okay," he sighed. "She's got the right number."
"Josh... where are you? Have you been... do you need me to come pick you up from a bar somewhere?"
"No."
"Josh..."
"You should be asleep Donna. Why don't you go home to bed?"
"Josh, tell me where you are?"
"I'm okay Donna, I just need... to think... get some things clear in my head."
"If you're okay then tell me where you are Josh?" she asked again. She bit her bottom lip as she twisted the phone cord through her slender fingers and she leaned back against his desk. She was glad his office was dark. She didn't want to face anyone who might walk past.
She knew her expression would give away the 'in control' composure she was trying to achieve.
The charade was failing dismally as every silent second passed between them.
Josh sighed and kicked his feet up onto the bench, laying himself flat on his back on the cold hard surface like a vagabond with no where else to go. He rubbed his temples with his free hand and gazed up into the night sky. He couldn't see the stars, he wished he could. The city lights drowned them out it was all just a haze.
The sky above him wasn't the only thing that seemed hazy tonight.
He wanted to see the stars.
He wanted clarity.
"Josh? Josh... are you still there? Say something, please?"
"Did you know that in Greek mythology, the month of May was named after the Goddess Maia? She was the eldest daughter of Atlas and Pleione and then Zeus had his wicked way with her. She was supposedly beautiful and shy and Zeus already had a wife. But he took her - in the cave where she had retreated and she bore him a child that caused no end of trouble. You know if Zeus hadn't done that... then they might not have named the month of May after her."
"Josh..."
"I've really screwed up Donna. More than usual... even for me. I've totally made a mess of so many things these past few months and I don't know how or whether I can fix them. I thought if I found the right one... well I'd be happy. Everything else would just fall into place. But it didn't. I don't know if that means I didn't find the right one or I am just totally inept at normal relationships."
****
I want love
To carry me through
All the moments, I'd kindly undo
Locked away
So I can feel safe
Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change
****
"Please Josh... tell me you haven't done anything... that you won't... Josh I need to know where you are. I need to know right now... Josh you're scaring me, where are you?" she pleaded.
Her tone finally seeped into his foggy brain. He sat upright, his feet still on the seat. "Scared? Donna why would you be... Hey Donna... it's okay, I'm okay. I'm not having an... an... episode or anything. I'm annoyed at myself, and yeah a bit depressed about where my life has deteriorated to... but I'm not going to do anything... stupid."
"Then tell me where you are," she continued to insist. Her voice slightly calmer at his admission.
Josh swung himself around dropping both feet to the ground. He looked up at his surroundings. Until then he had honestly not taken any notice of where he had walked. Had he really walked this far? He looked at his watch and tried to see the time, he held his arm up and twisted his wrist in several directions before a trace of light caught it at the right angle and he could read the time.
"Donna... do you have any idea what time it is?" he asked, already factoring in any inaccuracy.
"It's sometime after two am," she replied, "I'm not sure exactly, I haven't put your light on in here."
"You're in my office?"
"Yes."
"You should be home in bed. Did you see CJ tonight?"
"No, they had someone take her straight home and I'm not going home until I know you're okay."
"I'm okay Donna... go home."
"No."
"Well that worked as per usual."
"Josh..."
"Ahh... I'm down near the Tidal Basin somewhere... near the Jefferson memorial. Will you go home now?"
"No. Why are you there, Josh?"
"I don't know... I just... I just walked and I'm here."
"Hang on Josh... there's a call coming through. I told Amy I would call her back if I heard from you... it might be her."
"Donna... don't tell her where I am. I don't want... you can let her know you found me and if I'm not asking too much, tell her I will call by and pick up anything of mine at her place later today."
"Josh, am I about to tell Amy you're breaking up with her? Because if you are, then yes, you're asking too much. And no matter what I think of her... she... you should do that yourself."
"Yeah, you're right - I'm sorry. Can you tell her you found me and that I will call by her place in the morning?"
"I can do that. Promise you won't hang up?"
"I promise Donna, I'll hold."
Josh stood and wandered down to the waters edge whilst he waited for Donna to come back on the line. He bent down and scooped the cold still water through his fingers. When did it all start to go to hell, he wondered. When he first stumbled sideways into Amy? Funny he thought, he didn't mind admitting Donna was right, but the thought that Amy had been right with her 'hit and run' theory still stung. He didn't want to be that guy. Was it the day Donna told him about her lie? Was it the night she told him about Cliff? It would be easy to say yeah... it's her fault. Lay the blame at someone else's feet. Blame the President for putting them in the position in the first place. That would be easier, give someone else the responsibility.
But it didn't change the outcome.
If he wanted he could perhaps go back to the night of their non-anniversary, when Donna told him how she really hurt her ankle. His heart contracted. If he had let go of his fears, he would not have let her walk past him in the doorway.
Carpe diem - he should have.
Stopped her right there and held her. Promised her that he'd never give her a reason to run red lights. But he didn't, and look where those fears had got him.
What it had almost cost him.
Almost.
****
Look down at the water,
Before I jump in,
To find I was sinking fast, in all that might have been.
****
"Josh?"
"Hey, I'm here Donna."
"You're breaking up with her Josh?" Donna asked, unsure whether she wanted to hear the answer.
He chuckled to himself and looked out across the water. "I think history will record it as a mutual parting of ways. You told her you'd found me?"
"Yes and I didn't need to elaborate."
"It's all gone to hell hasn't it," Josh sighed.
"What Josh?"
"Everything... do you think we can fix it?" he questioned her seriously. How was it that he could say these things to her across a phone line and not in person? What sort of coward was he?
"Josh, I..."
"Hey amongst all my other things, I've got this inherent fixing compulsion going... I can fix everything, right?" he rambled, hoping he sounded convincing.
"You know you can't Josh. I know you want to, I know you try to and I admire that quality within you so much, but sometimes... sometimes you just have to admit you've done all you can."
"I can't?"
"No Josh. As much as you try, not everything can be fixed... I don't think you and Amy can be fixed."
"Halleluiah for that," he chuckled.
"That's not very... so, Josh..."
Now or never he decided. "Can this thing between us be fixed Donna?"
"I didn't know we were broken Josh," she replied softly.
It was an automatic response that the words came out her mouth. There were rules. Denial, misdirection... never the truth. Since when did Josh start breaking the rules? But Donna did know, she felt it too. She knew that something was askew, but how could they fix it?
"Donna?"
"Okay," she sighed. Why did this conversation have to take place tonight? Because it was them... that's why she decided. "Things have been a little... off for well, for awhile now."
"I want to fix us. Do you want to fix us?"
*********
What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
I can see now, my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
*********
"Okay," she replied cautiously, but the warmth in her tone was evident.
Josh smiled - he heard it.
She wanted to help fix this.
They could do this.
"It's late Donna, I'm going home. You should go home."
"Are you sure Josh? Because..."
"I'm fine Donna. Better than fine. Go home. We can talk later," he explained as he started to head in the direction of his apartment.
"If you're sure you're okay Josh..."
"Donna go home. You're going to be back in the office before you know it. Get some sleep."
"Okay, I'll go... night Josh."
"Night," he replied, and he pushed the 'end' button on the phone.
~*~
As Josh approached his apartment, a familiar figure sat on his steps. He didn't think he'd have to face this so soon. Not tonight. Was there time to run? Josh wasn't sure he had the strength for this discussion. The long walk had tired him more than he wanted to admit. He wanted daylight to deal with this. But it had to be done, it had to be the truth. There could be no mistake as to what he wanted to say. It was time.
Past time.
Her face turned towards him and she frowned. God there was that frown. He hated the way she frowned at him. She stood as he reached the steps, her blonde tresses reflecting the streetlight.
"You're limping Josh... badly. I thought you said you were okay?"
"And I thought you said you'd go home, Donna?" he replied as he slowly climbed to the step beside her.
"And when did I started doing what you told me to do, Josh?" she replied, crossing her arms over her chest trying to appear annoyed.
He shrugged, "Never?"
She began to open her mouth, to chastise him again Josh was sure, so he held his hand up and began to ascend the steps to the door. "It's no big deal... I'm tired, I've been walking for hours and the muscles in my leg are a bit tight. Nothing that a few hours off my feet won't fix."
She looked up at him, now standing on the top step. Her hands dropped to her sides.
He turned and unlocked the door, before holding out his arm - gesturing her inside.
She nodded and silently they climbed the stairs to his door.
After fumbling with his keys, they entered his apartment. He left her standing just inside the doorway, as he crossed the darkened room to put the light on in the kitchen, leaving the rest of the apartment in darkness.
With the light casting shadows across the lounge area, Donna began to make her way across the room.
Josh stood in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what to say, not knowing where to start. Perhaps start with something simple he told himself.
"Would you like a cup of..."
"J you're home?" came the call from his bedroom.
Josh closed his eyes and dropped his gaze to the floor.
Donna froze half way across the room.
"Where have you been it's after... oh, now... isn't *this* cozy," Amy bristled as she wandered into the room wearing nothing more than a bra and panties.
"Look it's not what you... My God put some clothes on!" exclaimed Josh when he finally looked in Amy's direction and saw her state of undress. This wasn't good.
This, as Sam would say, was bad on so many *many* levels.
Amy disappeared back into his bedroom and Josh was sure he could feel a migraine starting to attack.
Donna for her part hadn't moved from the middle of the lounge room.
She appeared caught in the middle of a train wreck.
Which was an apt description of the situation.
"I think I should leave," Donna stated, surprised to hear her own voice.
"No."
"No?" she questioned his firm resolve.
"No. I didn't ask her to be here, I don't want her to be here," Josh said as he approached her.
"But..."
"Donna I want you here. You'll stay... please?" he added softly.
She nodded her reply and gave him an encouraging smile. This was the first step to fixing the bridges that had been damaged.
"I'll make some coffee... you should go and do... whatever..." she added, waving in the direction of his bedroom.
He sighed. "Yeah."
*******
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black
*******
Josh headed toward his bedroom when Amy came stalking out.
"Hello? Yes I need a taxi..." Amy ordered into her cell phone. Her heels clicking across the floor as she listed off Josh's address. "Fine, thank you." she added before clicking the phone shut and dropping it into her coat pocket.
"Bedroom's free now if you want to go and *fuck* your secretary. Unless of course you want to change the sheets from the last time we *screwed* in there!" she spat.
Josh tried to stay calm. This wasn't going to deteriorate into a verbal slinging match. He wouldn't stoop to her level.
"That isn't what Donna and I are about," he stated calmly, but firmly. "It's more of what you and I were about."
"Yeah right J you fucking sonofabitch. That's all I was to you... a warm piece of meat. Well fine... I don't need you - asshole!"
"All I was to you Amy, was a guy who had a job in a high place. You wanted access to advance your career - Tandy wasn't high enough up the food chain for you, so you set your sights on me. I wanted to believe that wasn't it. I wanted to believe I wasn't a 'hit and run' kinda guy like you said... but I was wrong on both counts."
"And now," she snorted, "my wonderful career? You fucked that up for me too - bastard! Fucking asshole bastard!"
Donna appeared in the doorway. Perhaps Amy hadn't realized she was still there? But then again, Donna doubted Amy even cared.
"You were playing in the big kid's yard Amy. You should have known it would be rougher than the sandpit."
Josh spun around at looked in shock at Donna.
Proud at her comment but shocked that she had said it.
Amy fired back at her. "Oh and you'd fucking know. How many notches have *you* carved on your bedpost since you began working for this Administration? Worked you're way through the senior staff I bet!"
"Amy..." Josh growled looking back at Amy, fully prepared to defend Donna.
"None yet," Donna replied, a smile began to dance on her lips, "But ask me the same question in the morning and I'll let you know if it's changed."
The glare between the two women could have lit the room.
"Oh you can be his little play thing for awhile but one day when you're not as pretty or skinny... he'll find another leggy plaything and you'll be on the scrap heap. Have a nice life J... and don't think this little incident will be forgotten," she snapped as she made her way to the door, slamming it hard as she left.
"Coffee?" came Donna's query from the kitchen doorway.
"Donna... look I'm sorry, I didn't realize she was such..."
"Pure venom?" Donna questioned as she handed him a mug of murky liquid and headed for his sofa.
"Yeah, something like that." He sighed, following and collapsing beside her. He sat his coffee on the table in front of him before running his hands through his hair and leaning back. "She... you..."
"What?" Donna asked, sipping at her coffee.
He turned his face at her sideways with a slight smirk. "You want her to ask you in the morning?"
"Do you want me to have a different answer for her?" Donna asked.
"Donna... my alarm clock is set to go off in under an hour. I don't think I'm capable of giving you the opportunity to answer her any differently," he replied.
Yeah misdirection, thy name is Josh Lyman.
"If you'd just had ten hours sleep?" Donna fired straight back at him.
"Then the chances of me letting you leave my bedroom to tell her would be remote."
Misdirection - maybe not.
"Are you sure this is what you want Josh?"
"I'm not stumbling sideways into you Donna. I've wanted this since... since... you looked beautiful that night Donna."
"What night Josh? I've only looked good once?" she questioned, placing her coffee mug on the table beside his and giving him a wry smile.
"The night... I had a meeting with Matt Skinner. You had a date. You wore your hair down, red dress, neck-breaking heels... I told you if you wanted sex...
"I'd have to have it during dinner? That night Josh? Seriously that was... years..."
"You looked gorgeous and I realized just how bad I wanted to hold you. I wanted to tell you exactly how beautiful you looked... but I... if I started to tell you then I knew I wouldn't be able to stop and I thought I could put all those feelings into a box somewhere. But I've put too many in the box and now the lid doesn't fit. I don't want to find a bigger box Donna, I want to let them out... I want to be able to tell you when I feel like that. The dreams that filled my nights that included you and that dress..."
****
Remember the night you wore that dress
It flowed through our lips
Drink after drink and kiss after kiss
I'm still holding on, day after day
Don't run away
****
"You never said anything Josh... you should have told me."
"Told you what? That I was crazy about you? Could you imagine what Leo would have said? How it would have looked... that I wanted... hell I don't even know what I wanted back then," he sighed.
"Do you know what you want now Josh?" Donna questioned.
"I want you Donna. You're all I want. I know that now," Josh stated convincingly.
"And how it will look... what Leo will say? How has that changed Josh?"
"I don't care anymore. Well I care, but... before... I know how much I could lose. I don't want to lose you Donna. I don't want to do this if you're not going to be there at the end of it all."
"Politics is your life Josh... I won't be part of you not being where you are. I won't be the one that takes you way from it. If Leo says the job or me, I won't let that happen," she reasoned. He had to know what could happen she thought. He had to be aware of the consequences. He had much more to lose than she did.
"And being where I am means absolutely nothing if you're not there to share it with me. I'll convince Leo... I'll do whatever it takes to keep things the way they are. I won't back down on this," he countered. Didn't she realize he had thought about this?
"Josh..."
"Stay with me tonight." He asked earnestly.
"You want me to stay?"
"Yes... we don't have to... I'm not asking you to... well, I don't think I'm capable of... I don't want you to think that's all I want... it's not. You... I... I just want you close."
"One condition."
"Yes, anything... whatever you want, say... of course... what?"
"I'm not getting in that bed unless we change the sheets. After what that bitch said I..."
Josh closed his eyes and exhaled. He cocked an eye half open so he could reach for Donna's hand. "I think that can be arranged."
Donna squeezed his fingers, "Come on or we will fall asleep here."
"Oh God," Josh groaned as he shifted himself forward on the sofa before turning his head towards his bedroom. "Is that my alarm in the bedroom?"
"Yes," Donna sighed. "But we're not going to work today. We both ate something for dinner that didn't agree with us and we're not feeling well."
"We're not?"
"No. Well that's what I'm going to say when I phone in. I rang to tell you I wasn't well, and you told me the same thing. Neither of us has had any sleep Josh we can't go in. The country will survive one day without us."
"Everything is such a mess. Look at me, look at where trying to have a life has got me. I can't even do my job properly. I'm the epitome of dysfunctional," he whined as he dragged his tired body to where he stored the clean linen.
"Ohhh Josh, stop being so melodramatic," Donna complained to him as she stumbled past, taking the clean sheets from his hands as tried to stop more linen from tumbling out onto the floor.
She stood in the doorway as Josh wrapped his arms around her from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder.
"You strip the bed and I will make it up again," she instructed as she leant her head back against him. "Come on or we will fall asleep standing here."
Josh shuffled past her to the bed. He threw the covers back and grabbed the sheets from the middle, wrenching them from the bed and sending pillows flying in various directions. He balled the offending linen in a heap on the floor before dragging the covers from the pillows while Donna quickly replaced the sheets and pillowcases as he tossed the pillows in her direction.
"Done?"
"Yes Joshua, very good. See you're not totally incapable of carrying out a task," she sassed as she quickly tucked the last pillow into its casing.
"Only when you're there to help me. We can fix things together? You and me?" he asked apprehensively.
"Time for sleep Josh. We can talk more later."
"No... Donna... tell me... you and me... don't just..." Josh said wildly, like a frightened child. The darkness always brought out the shadows that couldn't survive in the light. The boldness that he exuberated during the day disappeared when the shadows emerged.
"Hey... Josh. Yes, calm down... you and I," Donna comforted as she wrapped her arm around him and held him tight.
"I'll be here - always."
****
I want love to carry me through
Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do
What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
I can see now, my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
****
The end