Discovering what you are good at when you are young is a gift. Knowing what to focus on and knowing you have so much time to do so opens up the possibilities in your mind, frees you from the stresses of being "too old to be doing this." You have time to perfect your craft. You have an excuse for your failures. And when your identity is intangible, and confusing, and ever changing, it's a constant to hold on to.
Beca Mitchell knew she was going to be a dancer the moment her mom put her in class. A class meant to just be an outlet for all the energy. A place to help her break out of her shell. And she took to it like a human takes to oxygen. It became necessary. Life-giving. All the things she couldn't say with words, she could say with the movement of her body.
It taught her focus and discipline. Trust. Vulnerability. Music was already a big part of her life, a love her mom instilled in her as a young child. She knew her mom was in a band years ago, having had to give up that dream when she became pregnant with Beca. A guilt Anna Mitchell has never put on her, but something she can't help but put on herself. They go to concerts together and the look in her mother's eye and the smile on her face says it all. The way she smiles when she's watching a band or musician perform. Beca had found some old videos of her mom from back then. She was magical on stage. Raw and beautiful. Like there was nowhere else she'd rather be than whatever stage she was on that night.
She didn't think she really needed anything more in life. She had her mom, music, and dance. Friends existed, but rarely found their way into her bubble. Her best friend was probably her cousin Jesse, her mom's brother's son. Her aunt and uncle were like second parents to her, taking Beca and her mom in when Beca's dad walked out of their lives to start a new one with the woman he had an affair with. They helped them get back on their feet and be okay, just the two of them. That's when Beca really threw herself into dance, it was not only an escape, but a way to deal with all the things going on in her heart and mind. She remembers those good years so clearly. She remembers praying to find a love like her mom and dad have. She still has a picture of the two of them, after one of her mom's shows. They were 23, maybe. Her dad worked the bar where her mom's band played frequently. The rest is history. They are sitting on the edge of the stage, looking at each other like there was no one else in the room. A year later, Beca was conceived and soon her dad was suiting up at a 9-5 office job, and mom was going to night school, trying to finish up the teaching degree she left college for in order to follow her dream. And even though they weren't leading the lives they necessarily imagined for themselves, they were happy. Beca remembers that. They were happy. They'd have jam sessions in the living room, mom singing, dad playing guitar. Beca soon took to the guitar, and her mom's gift of singing was also passed on to her. But somewhere along the way, bitterness and resentment crept in. Her dad changed. He became angry, at everything and everyone. Family jam sessions stopped. Everything stopped. Call it a younger-than-mid-life crisis, call it buyer's remorse, call it whatever you want - but whatever it was, it became quite clear that her father was unsatisfied with his current life. And so, he found another one. One with a woman who didn't have a kid and a mortgage and a partner who "had clearly given up." Like Beca wasn't his kid. Like her mom got pregnant all by herself.
"Baby, it isn't because of you. People change, people hurt people. That's it. Your dad just... changed. Please don't blame yourself."
"How can you say that?! If I hadn't been born, you'd be living the rockstar life you wanted and dad would be doing whatever the hell he wanted to do. You wouldn't be, here, now, hurting. Nice try but it's obvious who made everything turn to shit."
"Language Beca! I know you're hurting, so I'll let that one go, but please...please try to see it differently. Sweetie, you are the best thing to happen to me. I love you so much. Your dad loves you too, even if he's not making any effort to show you."
"How can you defend him?
"Because I know you are already angry with your father and me badmouthing him doesn't help anything."
"You're too good for him you know that?"
"Do you want me to stay with you for a little bit?"
"I just want to be be alone."
"Okay, come out when you're ready."
Turns out forgetting about someone who makes no effort to be in your life anymore is quite easy. Anna sees Beca becoming a bit more rough around the edges, isolating herself more - even from Jesse. Even though her daughter insists she's fine, her mother senses that's not the truth. But she figures Beca just needs to have the space and time to deal. Thank God for dance.
And Chloe.
Chloe Beale comes into Beca's life her senior year of high school. It's been three years since her dad left without a second look back. Beca's life consists of music, school, dance, and that's pretty much it. She hangs out with Jesse, but her friend circle basically consists of him, her aunt and uncle, and her mom. But then this new girl walks into Marshall High School on a Tuesday in August and Beca's world changed. Although she didn't know it yet. They had a few classes together and sure you'd be an idiot not to see how gorgeous she is, but Beca didn't give this new girl a second thought.
Her advanced contemporary dance class was canceled one night, but Beca decided to go anyway - taking advantage of the empty space and alone time. What she wasn't expecting was a redhead in short spandex shorts and a sports bra to be already occupying the space. And it wasn't her body or looks that hooked her...it was the way she moved. And she was dancing to Beca's song. Literally. It was a song Beca wrote and recorded onto her website. She probably wouldn't say this out loud, ever, but she definitely fell in love with Chloe right then and there. The song eventually ends and she stays for a moment, watching Chloe a little bit longer. Her back is to Beca as she goes through the iPod storing more of the brunette's music, so she almost jumps out of her skin when the redhead suddenly speaks. To her.
"You know if you're going to creep on me, you should at least do a better job of hiding."
Beca is silent, any feasible explanation lost before it can leave her lips. And it doesn't help when Chloe turns to face her, smiling and smirking like they've been through this before. She can't help but feel a sort of deja vu poking at her, like a predisposed connection has been activated. Summoned to this very moment. Too bad she hasn't seemed to learn to be more articulate.
"No I wasn't...um...I mean I didn't know that, uh...I'm sorry I..."
Chloe giggles, slowly making her way towards Beca.
"It's okay, maybe I kind of like that you were watching me."
Beca takes a breath, exhaling her nervousness so she can sound at least somewhat convincing in her confrontation.
"I didn't know anyone else was going to be here tonight. How did you get in, by the way? Don't you need these?" she asks, holding up the keys to the building. Keys she had to earn.
"Who says I need those?" Chloe says, taking a swig from her water bottle. God, how can someone look so sexy while sweating? Beca is pretty sure she looks like a drowned cat when she sweats. Wait, what? She shouldn't be thinking that about a total stranger. Who happens to be trespassing! Play it cool, Mitchell.
"I'm Mitchell. I mean Beca. Beca Mitchell."
Chloe smiles and extends a hand. "Beale, Chloe Beale."
"I know you you are. I mean, uh, you're new here, so I remember you."
Chloe only smiles, chuckling softly at Beca's obvious nervousness.
So that was a cool song you were dancing to," Beca casually mentions when she releases her grip on Chloe's unfairly un-sweaty hand.
"Oh my God, it's my favorite. There's this artist online, everything about her identity is a mystery, which I can't decide if that's super hot or super frustrating! Anyway, I've been listening to her for like a year now I think. So good, you should check her out, there are tons of songs on her site, all different kinds of music. She's so talented. I wish she had some sort of way to reach out to her, because her music has been a big part of my life. Got me through some bad times. Sorry...I probably sound like a crazy fangirl."
Beca does her best to hide the obvious smug smile on her face. "No you're fine. It's nice to hear someone talk about something so passionately. There's enough negativity in the world, don't feel bad about talking about something that is important to you."
Chloe smiles at her, the ear to ear grin infecting Beca as well. "You know, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
"And what makes you say that?"
"Let's just say I know how to size a person up, and I got a good feeling about you."
"You don't know anything about me."
"Maybe I know just what I need to know. For now."
Beca can't seem to either think of a response or maybe in this moment she simply doesn't care about proving Chloe wrong. She finds herself not wanting to. In fact, she finds herself wanting to surpass any and all expectations this curious stranger may have of her.
Before she can get any more ahead of herself, Chloe suggests they go get some coffee and before she can think of an excuse to say no, her lips are moving and she is saying, yes.
It's just coffee.
Thinking about it now, Beca knew it could never have been just coffee. She fell fast and hard. Just coffee turned into closing down the cafe and one particular moment that Beca sometimes thinks she imagined.
Their friendship felt like an inevitability. She never met anyone like Chloe and it was so easy being her friend. She felt good around the redhead, happy.
One night, Chloe was helping Beca rehearse for her audition for Juilliard, and she could tell the brunette was struggling. Her focus was elsewhere. Beca stopped mid-performance, and was audibly disgruntled.
Chloe stands in front of her and puts her hands on Beca's shoulders. "What's going on with you? You have this routine down, why do you keep stopping?"
"I'm just...distracted."
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"Nothing, I'm fine never means that when people say it."
"Oh is that so?"
Chloe steps away, moving to grab her water bottle. "Yeah it's always code for there is definitely something on my mind that I am not fine about, so spill."
Beca lets out a long sigh, unsure of what she wants to say. Before she can get a word out though, Chloe's phone is ringing.
"Sorry," Chloe says before going to answer it. Beca notices she hesitates before accepting the phone call.
"Hey you, everything okay?...yeah I was just putting in some rehearsal time...I don't know how long I'm going to be...I know I know I've been here a lot...yeah I'll be home soon. I gotta go. Love you too. Ok. bye."
Again, Chloe hesitates after ending the call. She just stares at her phone for a moment before looking over at Beca.
"Sorry."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, it was just my mom. She worries."
"Why don't we call it a night. I'm exhausted and you should get home."
"Yeah okay."
They gather their things in awkward silence and get dressed. Beca is pulling a hoodie over her head when Chloe says, "Hey there's that music of John Hughes's movies tribute thing tomorrow at The Logan. Would you want to maybe go?"
"Um, yeah okay. Why not. Sounds fun."
"Awesome! Ok, well...see ya tomorrow!" The redhead grabs her backpack and turns to leave.
"Um, Chloe?"
"Yeah?" she asks a little hurriedly when she turns back around.
"You drove me here remember?"
"Oh! Right," Chloe chuckles. "Sorry."
A couple weeks later, Beca decides to surprise Chloe at her house and that's when she discovers not everything is as it seems. She knocks on the door, two tickets to a sold out concert in her hand that Chloe is going to flip for when she finds out Beca was, in fact, able to score tickets. Chloe answers the door, and instead of the bright smile she usually greets Beca with, there's only fear and a not-the-good-kind-of-surprised face.
'What are you doing here?!" she asks through the screen door, a tone in her voice Beca is not accustomed to hearing.
"I, um..." She's distracted by a voice in the background. The owner clearly distraught. "Is everything okay?"
"You have to go," Chloe demands, pushing open the door in order to lead Beca away. But then a woman appears at the door, hair wild, clothes in disarray, her face almost like it's frozen in agony.
"Chloe who is this?! Is she with THEM? I told you we have to stay indoors! They are watching always! Who are you, girl? Did they send you? Tell them I won't ever talk, ever!"
"Mom, please go inside. She's not with them, I promise. She was just leaving."
"NO!" her mother bellows, pushing the door open with such a force that Beca thinks it might fly off the hinges. And then she locks eyes with Beca and before she knows it, the woman is lunging at her, pushing her to the ground. Hands latching to her neck.
"MOM! STOP!" Chloe screeches, running to pry her mom off of Beca.
She's screaming gibberish, all while tightening her grip on Beca's neck. Beca focuses on Chloe's face on last time before it all goes black.
She wakes up in an unfamiliar place, with an unfamiliar person hovering over her, seemingly checking her vitals. Before she can freak out, the person identifies herself.
"I'm Chloe's sister, Casey. You're okay, you just passed out for a little bit."
Beca moves to sit up, her hand immediately going to her neck, the memory hitting her suddenly.
"Where's Chloe?"
Casey, who Beca now sees is wearing hospital scrubs, motions above them. "Upstairs, with mom. We got her calmed down. I'm really sorry, she had been doing really well lately, and I guess it was...only a matter of time. I'm going to go change, Chloe should be down soon." She goes to leave, but turns to Beca again. "Go easy on her please." Beca can only nod, a million thoughts going around in her brain. She now knows why they always studied at Beca's place or elsewhere, and why Chloe always offered to pick Beca up. To avoid, well, an incident like this. She's so caught up in her own mind, she doesn't realize Chloe has sat down next to her until she feels a hand on her leg. She looks up to find Chloe's eyes filled with tears, a heartbreaking expression on her face.
"I'm so sorry Beca! I didn't know you were coming over and she was having a bad spell and I was going to tell you, but I just didn't know how, and most people can't handle having a friend with a crazy mom. My ex couldn't handle it even though she said she would stick with me, even our dad left us in the dust, and then my mom basically got kicked out of the last place she was at and my sister and I moved here to get a fresh start and get her into the Wellington Institution because we heard it was the best, but we can't quite afford it yet, and I'm so, so sorry she did that to you. And -"
"Hey," Beca calmly says, her hands going to either side of Chloe's face, effectively quieting the redhead. "I'm okay. Are you okay?"
Chloe can only shake her head, tears welling up once again. "It's a lot. Thank God for Casey."
"Yeah she seems cool."
Chloe smiles, "She's pretty great. I don't know what I'd do without her."
"She's a nurse?"
"MRI technician," Chloe corrects. "Not exactly her dream job, but it pays well and she likes it enough. She won't even let me get a job, even though I told her I don't mind giving up dance. There are more important things..."
Beca grabs both of her friend's hands, and waits for Chloe to look her in the eye.
"Hey I get messy family stuff and all the baggage that comes with it. But it's okay to enjoy your life too, it's okay to find happiness again. Even if a million things have taken it away over and over. But just because everything isn't handed to us, doesn't mean we can't follow our dreams. My dad bailed on my mom and I a few years ago and my dance classes were pretty expensive, but my mom made sure we always had enough to keep me in classes. I used to feel guilty about it, but I know that it made her happy to be able to give that to me, and it was something really important to me too. I wouldn't be the somewhat-emotionally-healthy person I am today without it."
Chloe laughs, Beca happy to have cheered her friend up.
"OH! I almost forgot the reason I came over here in the first place. It was to show you, these!" She holds out two tickets to see Alabama Shakes this weekend.
"BECA! I can't believe you got tickets, I thought they were all sold out! I thought you said you couldn't get any!"
"They are. And that may have been a tiny lie."
"Ohmygod!" Chloe exclaims. "Who are you going to take?"
Beca laughs out loud, only because there was so much innocence in her question.
"Hmm, well I was going to call my deadbeat dad, but I figure you're the next best thing," she teases.
Chloe lunges forward, hugging Beca and it's probably the tightest hug she's ever received. And maybe a little uncomfortable, but she can't seem to care.
The concert is a night she'll never forget and the rest of the school year passes by as planned, with the added fact of Chloe and Beca dancing around the friends / more-than-friends line every day. It's not intentional, at least that's what Beca tells herself. They just gravitate towards each other.
Nights are often spent in each other's beds, having fallen asleep after homework and movies and talking about whatever is on their minds. Chloe's mom is finally admitted into Wellington. Beca goes with her on most visits, when she can. And Chloe's especially thankful for Beca being there, on the bad days, when her mom is very far away from herself.
They both ignore the impending date of Beca's departure to New York City. Boston isn't that far away, Chloe tells her. And even though she knows why Chloe has to stay, she wishes she didn't have to. She wishes she could come to New York with her. She did get into a great school too. But she can pursue her art therapy degree at the local community college...at least most of it. Long term solutions aren't really anything Chloe can count on. Years of living spell to spell with her mom has taught her that all you can do sometimes is get through today. Survive. So that's what she'll do. Survive. The problem is, Beca has become an important part of that survival.
An end of the year party is in full swing, at an old abandoned warehouse that belongs to the brother of somebody's cousin. Chloe wasn't even going to go but Casey and Beca were able to convince her otherwise. She and Jesse are kicking ass at beer pong when Chloe comes up behind her, arms wrapping around Beca's waist. She can smell the whiskey on her breath when lips come up to her ear.
"Hey there."
"Hi, Chloe," Beca responds, twirling around to face her drunk friend, but leans her body back against the table. Chloe just leans in further.
"Will you take a walk with me?"
"Okay," she agrees with a slight nod. "Jesse, you alright?"
"Yeah Bec, go ahead. YO Amy! You against me, come on!"
He gives her a not so subtle wink, and she returns the sentiment with a glare.
They walk a good 10 minutes in silence, down a weirdly quiet street, hands linked, a million unsaid things between them. Beca leads them to one of her favorite spots in the city, a park more for adults than children. Like a mini city, long abandoned, and overgrown by vegetation. She spots an old abandoned truck, and gestures for them to make their way over to it. Beca helps Chloe, using a well-rehearsed assisted lift to get her up onto the bed of the truck. She's about to take her hands off the redhead's waist, but Chloe holds them in place, pulling Beca closer, nestling her in between her legs. She knows she should probably remove herself from this position, but like a similar moment not long ago, she can't seem to care. Beca wraps her arms around Chloe's waist more and leans her head on her chest. She feels Chloe wraps her arms around Beca's shoulders, the redhead's chin rested softly on top of her head.
Another bout of silence.
Chloe eventually breaks the silence. "So you leave next week?"
She's referring to Juilliard of course. Beca will never forget the day she found out she had been accepted. Chloe and Jesse were over, cramming for some stupid test. Her mom came into her room with a suspicious smile on her face and her hands behind her back. And when her mom handed her that envelope, even though she knew she nailed her audition, even though she tried not to want it too much knowing the disappointment of being rejected would crush her, she knew that if that letter didn't say Welcome to Juilliard, Beca Mitchell, she was definitely going to be crushed. She actually had to read those words a few times before believing it. The next few minutes were a blur of hugs and screams. She swears Chloe looked just as happy as she was. And she was pretty damn happy.
"Yeah," Beca responds softly, half mumbled in Chloe's collarbone. "I wish you were coming with me," she admits, leaning back to look Chloe in the eye. The redhead looks down, and Beca knows she's feeling ashamed and embarrassed that she's staying behind.
"Hey hey hey, I didn't mean to upset you. Don't you dare see yourself as any less for the path you have to take. I know you're feeling left behind and stuck and sad, but you better believe you'll see and hear from me so much, you're going to be sick of me."
"Impossible," Chloe whispers.
"You're so cheesy, you know that?"
"Am not," Chloe counters not so convincingly.
"Am too," Beca says smiling. She reaches in her pocket for her phone and holds it up to Chloe. "I have something for you."
Chloe frowns, confused at the gesture. "We said no gifts. And if your gift to me is your phone, then you kind of suck at gift giving," she teases.
"It's what's on my phone that's the gift, smartass. Now do you want it or not?"
"I want it," Chloe responds a little too quickly making Beca laugh.
"I reached out to B, and -"
"What?! How did you get a hold of her I've been trying to forever and...sorry. Go on."
"I have my ways," Beca explains. "Anyway, I reached out and asked her to perform a song. For you."
Chloe's eyes widen at this admission. "You what?"
Beca shrugs, trying to keep her cool. Knowing that when Chloe sees the video - she's going to flip. And she knows that having kept this secret from Chloe could go either way reaction-wise. She doesn't think she'll be mad, but people, even the best ones, are unpredictable.
"I know how much her music means to you and also that you've always wanted to be able to reach out to her, so I thought I'd see if I could get in touch with her. She's kind of a hard nut to crack but it seems you're someone she wanted to make happy. Too."
"Beca - "
"Just watch and listen and then we'll talk, okay?"
Chloe nods, taking the phone turning her attention to Beca's phone. She pulls up the video, acting like it was emailed to her from the mysterious artist, and hands it to Chloe.
Taking a breath, she pushes play. It starts out with some text.
Chloe - Beca said this song is a favorite of yours. She also went on and on about how amazing you are and how much she's going to miss you. This song is for those moments when you're feeling lonely or sad. So without further ado - please enjoy. -B
The video cuts to the usual scene of only a silhouette of Beca with her guitar, concealing her identity.
Chloe's eyes are already wet with unshed tears when she steals a second to look at Beca before the song starts. They're smiles match when the first notes of the song begins, Chloe immediately recognizing it as Shake by The Head And The Heart.
Well the ink in my pen ran dry long before your smile
And the pages have always been blank like the trees in the wild
But the wind yes the wind keeps pushing you to me
Time being time I know when it's time to leave
And the memories we've made
Will never be lost, no
And the look on your face
We both knew the cost
But the wind yes the wind keeps
Howlin'
I put in the pictures, you put in the time
You put all those memories so deep inside my mind
Now the wind yes the wind keeps pushing you to me
Time being time I know when it's time to leave
And the memories we've made
Will never be lost, no
And the look on your face
We both knew the cost
But the wind yes the wind keeps
Howlin'
Even if it was a mistake, I can't forget your face
Even if it was just a day, you won't forget the one
Who's making you shake
Come around, I lost my way to see
Come around, I lost my way to see
Come around, I lost my way to see
Come around, I lost my way to see
Even if it was a mistake, I can't forget your face
Even if it was just a day, you won't forget the man
Who's making you shake
Who's making you shake
You shake
I'm making you shake
You shake
I'm making you shake
The video fades to black when the songs ends, and Chloe has tears running down her face. She looks up to Beca, who nods back at the phone. "It's not quite over."
Chloe's forehead scrunches in confusion but she follows along, turning her attention back to the video.
The text reads: The song was part 1 of the gift. Part 2 is this...
The video then cuts from the text back to the same scene as before except there's no silhouette. No secret identity. Just Beca.
Hey Chloe - try not to freak out and keep watching okay?
Beca watches as Chloe's eyes grow about 3 times their normal size and her jaw drops. She does well and keeps her focus on the video.
So...surprise! B is, well...me! I hope you're not mad at me for keeping this from you. And I really hoped you like your song. Okay, well, that's all I have to say I guess. I hope when this ends you'll hug me and not punch me or something. Remember how much you love me and that you're my best friend!"
The video ends, finally fading to black, but Chloe only stares at the blank screen for a few moments. Beca stares cautiously at Chloe, waiting for whatever reaction is soon to emerge.
"Chloe?" she asks tentatively.
Chloe's eyes don't leave the phone screen when she asks, "You're B? It's you?"
"Yes," Beca answers, but it comes out like she is also questioning it.
Chloe's eyes finally meet Beca's but her expression is still unreadable. Beca can only stare back, searching her face for some kind of indication of what she's feeling.
When someone finally speaks again, it's Chloe. And she's smiling as she looks down at Beca. "You sang me a song?"
Beca lets out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding. "I sang you a song."
If she was unsure of Chloe's reaction before, there are no questions now because lips have attached onto hers and there's a hand snaking around to the back of her neck, pulling her closer. She shivers when Chloe's thumb strokes the spot right behind her ear. Her hands grip either side of Chloe's thighs, needing something to ground her in this moment. It's a good kiss. Electric and alive. Overwhelming and consuming. Kissing Chloe is like tasting something you've craved but never had for the first time. Their lips are made for each other, complementary and inevitable. And there are these sounds she makes that make Beca's knees go weak and her heart thud in her chest. She's fully committed to her in this moment, her lips, her tongue, her breath, her desire. Beca's lungs burn, her lips swell. She was already hooked, but now, now she's just completely fucked.
Chloe releases her for a moment, Beca's face held in her hands, Beca's hands bunched up in Chloe's shirt at her waist. Their breaths are heavy and their eyes stay closed. She leans in again, her lips so gentle and soft, placing a lingering kiss on Beca's lips before pulling away, eliciting a whine, which she giggles at.
Beca finally opens her eyes, finding Chloe's already on hers.
"I should have sang you a song a long time ago."
"Probably," Chloe agrees, nodding and smiling.
"Let's run away together."
"We can't."
"I didn't say we had to go far," Beca points out, a smirk on her face.
Chloe raises an eyebrow, her arms snaking across either side of Beca's neck. "Oh? And where do you suggest we go then?"
"Well I've been known to make a pretty killer fort in my day."
Beca smiles at Chloe's smile and thinks she is going to kiss her again, but lips move past hers and settle by her ear, whispering "lead the way."
A/N - hello you lovely humans, thank you for giving this a read. I've been sitting on this one for a while because I didn't quite know where I wanted to go with it, but I figured I could at least post what I got and see what ya'll think. much love for your time and thoughts.