Hello, all. This is my take on how that particularly heartbreaking scene from last week's episode should have gone. Probably this will just be a one-shot, but we'll see. Let me know what you think/if you'd want me to continue.
She felt broken. Coming out of the tech room and standing in the hallway, skirt slightly rumpled, a lone bead of sweat sitting on her lower back. She felt broken.
She could tell herself that it was a mistake. That after she'd slapped him she should have turned and left, and that letting him fuck her up against a wall of stray wires connecting to god-knows-where was a mistake. But that would be a lie.
Because with him, it was never a mistake.
Her heart broke when he'd said she'd betrayed him. It was the last thing she meant to do. She could try to brush it off, but after all the shit they'd gone through, who was she kidding? After ten months of no contact she couldn't lie to herself anymore. The excessive workouts could not longer quench the thirst she felt for him. She burned for him. She couldn't pretend she hated him anymore, even if he might hate her.
As he walked down the hall away from her she half-sobbed, half-mumbled an "I still love you, you know." Her head bent to the floor, she didn't see or hear him stop and turn around. Olivia brought her hand up to her face, shielding her eyes from the world and letting out a silent sob.
And then he was there, right in front of her, pulling her back into the room they'd just exited. "What do you want from me, huh?" he was practically yelling, "What do you want from me?!"
Olivia composed herself. This was no time to break down, she could handle him. She was Olivia Fucking Pope. "Fitz, I didn't –"
"No. Stop. Whatever calm and collected argument you're about to make – just stop," she started to object but he went on. "Don't try to deny that you're thinking of a way to back-peddle out of this situation, Liv. I know you. I know you. And I need a real answer. I need you to tell me, Liv, because we can't keep playing this game. I'm tired of playing this game," he stopped, shaking his head.
"I'm not trying to play any game," her voice sounded hoarse, as if she'd been crying for hours. "There's no game. Only you and me. And you don't trust me, which is… understandable," she met his eyes, seeing the pain they held, and it shattered her heart all over again.
"If you're not gonna give an honest answer, then –"
"Just – wait. I need… I need for you to just listen, just for a minute," her hand was held out to his chest, hovering in the air, attempting to stop his advancement on the door. He stilled, once again waiting. "I didn't want to do it. Defiance. I didn't want to go through with it. It was at the last minute, when I could see the very distinct possibility of you not getting to the White House. So I said yes," she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I said yes because you, more than anybody, deserved to be President. And you wanted it more than anybody, and I could see that and Fitz… I was just trying to help."
"You also wanted the White House, Liv. You wanted it, too," and as he said those words realization dawned on her. He thought she'd done it to get ahead.
"No." her voice was firm, "No, Fitz. When I agreed to rig those machines – that was for you only. Do you think I would have taken so long to say yes if it had been my own ambition driving me?" she sounded indignant, hurt. "I was the last one. The last one to agree, and I must have said no a hundred times before I realized that you might not win. You deserved to be President, so I said yes," she paused again, making sure he was looking at her. "You know me, Fitz. You know I did not do this for myself."
He nodded his head, he believed her. The devil on his shoulder couldn't help but bring up the fact that she still hadn't answered his question. That as good as it felt to know the truth behind her actions, he still didn't know how she felt about everything. How she felt now, in this moment. Oh, he could guess. Because she was right – he knew her. But he'd asked, and she still hadn't answered.
"I believe you, I do, but you're still holding back," he turned to walk from the room, but before he got two steps away she grabbed his arm.
"What? What do you want me to say?" He kept moving, his hand reaching the doorknob. "Fitz! Fitz, wait! Just tell me what you want me to say!"
He turned around sharply, and Olivia had to take a step back. "I can't tell you what I want to hear! I can't tell you that! You just have to tell me!"
"Tell you what!" Their voices were raised now.
"Anything! Anything about how you're feeling! Tell me Liv! Tell me what's going through your mind right now! Say something! Say –"
"You broke me!" she looked up at him with wild eyes, continuing in a softer tone. "You broke me, Fitz. You made me love you. A terrible, passionate, heartbreaking love. And I know. I know you feel it too. Because that – that kind of love, that terrible kind of love – that doesn't just go away. And so I know you still feel it, Fitz. Or else you wouldn't have fucked me up against this wall a few minutes ago. If you didn't still love me in the terrifying way I still love you, you wouldn't be so hurt about Defiance," she stopped for a minute to catch her breath, shaking her head. "You told me not to wait for you."
"Yes."
"But how – how could I not?" The look in her eyes broke his heart as a tear ran down her cheek. She was whispering now, "How could I ever think about moving on, when it's been you? All along it's been you, and I don't know how to live in a world where you don't call me late at night, where you don't joke about something Cyrus did or tell me about the kids. I don't know how to do that, Fitz. And I'm terrified that you'll walk out this door and I'll have to somehow figure it out."
Her voice cracked as a slew of tears ran down her face. He could see her. Could see that he'd broken her. So he reached out, drawing her close to him, muttering sweet nothings into her ear and kissing her forehead. "I would stay in this room the rest of my life if that's what'd make you happy," and for the first time in ten months, she laughed.