I'm Sorry
By. SadieAnnabethMellark
Summary: After the horrible prank played on Snape, his friends hadn't spoken to him for weeks. He was ignored. Outcasted. He was sorry. He truly was. He just wish that they could see that. James/Sirius bonding fic. No slash...sorry.
Disclaimer: I am just some random person who loves Harry Potter more than is probably healthy, but I don't care. I wish I was J.K. Rowling or even knew her. Hell, I wish I even lived in the same freaking country as her…or ever a surrounding country. Unfortunately, I don't. I'm just using her characters in my plot.
All he could feel at this time, besides overwhelming guilt, was loneliness. He had never thought he could feel like such within the busy walls of Hogwarts, but here he was, surrounded by at least 30 people in the Gryffindor common room. And though he dreamed of the time when he was happy and loved, he kept his head down and stayed in the corner by himself.
They weren't speaking to him…and he didn't deserve their words or attention.
A couple of weeks ago, he had made a mistake. A horrible stupid mistake and he was now paying in full for it. Merlin, he mentally kicked himself, why was he so stupid? Sure, he hated Severus Snape as much as anybody, he even had taken it to the next level, by showing his hatred of him outright, but did he really hate him enough to kill him? Even if it was accidentally?
No…he wasn't like that. He wasn't like his heartless family.
But, sure enough, he had told Snape to head towards the tunnel on a full moon. At first, he didn't really think Snape would do it. He thought he would chicken out. After all, he was a Slytherin, a coward, an evil bastard who deserved to be scared to death. But, then Snape had truly done it. And all he could do now was thank God and Merlin that he had mentioned something to James. And even if, he mostly thought that Snape deserved to be scared off his rocker at first, now all he wished was that he could go back in time, smack himself, and tell him to tuck his inherited craziness back in some.
And since that fateful night, he had gotten the silent treatment from his friends…his family.
Remus was so livid. He wouldn't look at him for a week after everything had happened. And when he finally did start even looking at him and acknowledging his presence in the room, all he got was murderous glares from the werewolf that had almost eaten his arch nemesis.
Peter, though still sat next to him in Divination and Charms, didn't talk to him either. He spared him the murderous glares and sent him half angry, half longing glances everyonce in a while. Though he was angry with Sirius, he still worshiped the ground that he and James walked on for some reason.
James…
James was on a whole other level from Remus and Peter. And, he admitted, James' actions towards him hurt the worst out of all three of his best friends. James was not only his best friend, he was his brother in everything but blood. He knew Sirius better than Sirius knew himself it seemed like and he couldn't imagine a world where James was not by his side.
As soon as James got back from saving old Snivellus, he had hunted Sirius down and shouted at him for an hour, before storming away from him and ignoring him. And since then, James had done just that. He wouldn't talk to him. He wouldn't sit with him in any of the classes or at meals. He wouldn't look at him. He wouldn't even acknowledge Sirius' presence.
James had simply carried on with his life, laughing with Remus and Peter…leaving Sirius out of the loop. And that hurt him more than anything.
He glanced over to where his three friends, sat by the fire, smiling and laughing. Carrying on with their life without him. You're nothing to them now, part of him told himself. He looked back down at his Transfiguration homework. He had been trying to do the same problem for the past 20 minutes and he was thoroughly stumped. He could really use James' help right now.
Glancing back up at the trio by the fire, he saw that they were still engrossed in their own happiness…their happiness without him. And in that moment, it was too much for him. He felt an unwelcome heat behind his eyes, as he quickly snapped his book shut, shoved it in his bag and then made his way up the stairs to his dorm. He wouldn't let anyone see him cry. That was one thing that he did appreciate his family teaching him. Learning how to be impassive when you felt a very strong emotion came in handy over the past couple of years.
Once inside the safety of the empty dorm, he shut the door behind him flung his books on his bed and started pacing. Calm down, he told himself, you're fine. They'll come round. They always do. This won't last forever. But, deep down he knew that wasn't true. This had been the longest that the Marauders had been in a state like this. The four had been missing, well more like lost a member, for almost brutal three weeks now.
And it had been miserable for him. But, James, and Remus, and Peter were all happy.
Why do you always have to screw everything up, Sirius?, His mother's words echoed in his mind over and over again. Her voice eventually turned into his father's and then his brother's and they all said the same thing: Why do you always have to ruin everything? Why are you such a screw up? Why the hell couldn't you do what you're suppose to do?
"You don't screw up everything. Only some things." His head snapped around to find the source of the oh so familiar voice. He hadn't realized he was speaking aloud the same words over and over again aloud. He hadn't heard the door open or heard another 16 year old boy walk in. He hadn't realized his cheeks were wet with tears.
"James?" he asked rather weakly, stopping his pacing and wiping away the small stream of tears that had slipped from wet eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
"Sirius," James interrupted, "I know. I know you are. But, what the hell were you thinking?"
"I'm sorry, James. I mean it." Sirius seemed to be boarding on keeping calm and letting more tears fall, "I don't know what I was thinking. I've been trying to come up with that answer for a while now and I guess all I can conclude from it was that I wasn't thinking. God, James, please. Please understand."
James looked at him with impassive eyes,"Sirius, you do realize that Sniviullus was almost killed, right? Moony could've killed him. Do you know what happens to werewolves who murder people?" Truthfully, Sirius did know what happened. His father had worked at the ministry ever since he was little. He had remembered when the law that all werewolves that killed or bit a muggle/witch/wizard would be beheaded and he remembered how his father had sounded so happy by half-breeds being killed off. He shuddered at the memory.
Sirius nodded his head, "I know and I'm really really sorry. I know Moony hates me and I know you and Peter hate me. And I know I don't deserve to be your friend, James. I'm such a bloody fuck up all the time and I don't know why! Everything I do always turns out bad in the end. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I did deserve to die at birth."
The screams of Walburga Black filled Sirius' ears as she told him how worthless and scum like he was. And he couldn't help but agree; he did didn't deserve to be alive.
"Listen to me, Sirius," James moved closer to Sirius, looking into his eyes wanting to get the message across, "You don't fuck up everything. And you sure as he'll don't deserve to be dead."
Sirius' eyes welled with tears again, "Yes. Yes, I do. I always ruin everything. Their right. I do. And maybe, James if I was dead-"
"Sirius, don't listen to them. You are a good person who makes mistakes. Everybody does." James cut him off as he placed his hands on his best mates shoulders, "And you truly are sorry for making your mistake. And thats a good thing."
James' voice seemed to cover the screams of his mother that rang through Sirius' ears. Slowly, his brothers voice lowered his mothers screams into shouts and then into heated conversational volume and then to whispers. Soon, Walburga Black's ranting and threats were completely gone and James soft comforting voice was all Sirius could hear.
"D-Do you mean it?" Sirius stuttered quietly.
James gave him a recognizable look, "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No." Sirius responded meekly.
"That's right. And the other guys will come around soon enough. They miss you like crazy you know."
"What about you?
James gave Sirius a wide smile, "What's there to miss, Pads? I already got my best friend by my side again."
Sirius could have cried, sang, danced, and kissed (but decided against it) James all at the same time. James was still his best mate. He was still his brother. And he had forgiven him. He had forgiven him. Tears flooded Sirius' eyes once more as he hugged his brother tightly.
Sirius gave out a weak chuckle, "It's good to be back James."
"It's good to have you back."
THE END
A/N:( So, what do ya think? This is my first one-shot in a while and I have been working on the story idea on and off for a couple months, so I finally decided to just post it. I've read a lot of fics that are like this and so I really wanted to just try it out and put my own spin on how things would have gone in my mind. I personally don't think this fic turned out too bad. I know their grammar errors and all, but...forgive me? Any who, R&R. Check out my other fics if you haven't already and keep a look out for more one-shots coming out soon. I have more that I'm working on and will hopefully be posting soon. Over and out, S.A.M.)