AN - Entry for Trillian4210's Forums, VaguelyFamiliar'sApril's Humorfic Challenge! (Did I give all the proper credit? Right!)
This "event" occurs during KOTOR II.
Don't hurt me... also, this is not any political statement or anything... Just wanted to make ya'll laugh. Enjoy!
P.S. - Loads of thanks to Trillian4210 for the last minute beta read!
The Ebon Hawk shook violently causing its crew to crash to the floor.
"What the …?" Atton crawled out from underneath the pilot's console.
"What spiced up mynoch is flying this thing?" Mira called out from beyond the cockpit.
"Kiss my…" Atton muttered fumbling over the ship's controls.
"Take it easy," the familiar silken voice called out calmly. Ari Jan hopped over fallen debris and held onto the doorframe to the cockpit for support. "What's going on, Atton?"
"We took a hit," Atton studied the readouts.
"Is that what they taught ya at that fancy pants military pilot's school?" Mira made her way through beside the Jedi.
"Yah, you want me to demonstrate on your…"
"Atton," Ari interrupted gently. "What hit us?"
"I can't quite make it out. All the navicomputers guaranteed smooth sailing. Nothing should be out here, nothing at all. Hell, the computer stills denies the fact that we hit anything." He slammed his fist against the console.
Ari eased her hand behind the frustrated man's neck. Her touch released the pilot's frustration. Atton took a deep breath. "I don't know… it's cloaked or something…"
Mira walked in behind them trying to take a peek at the console while Bao-Dur made his way in. He attempted to look into the console, however the heads of his crewmates blocked his view. He surveyed the scene and then looked up. "Computer or no, I do believe that is the source of the attack," he pointed.
Mira, Ari, and Atton looked at the Iridonian and then followed his finger to the space outside. A large boxy ship hovered painfully close to them.
"Son of a…" Atton cursed.
"Yeah, I'm with you on that one," Mira muttered.
"I'd say it was a carrier of some sort. Perhaps a ship made for exploration," Bao Dur offered.
"You haven't seen one before?" Ari asked.
"No, you?" Bao-Dur shot back at her.
"It's a standard look for a large ship, I suppose. I think I've seen colonists use similar ships. They'd store animals, feed, seed, hay, and other such things to aid other planet's agricultural growth. But I have never dealt with one quite like this one," Ari squinted.
"We are getting a communications request," Atton reported.
"Let's hear it," Ari casually gestured.
Atton flipped several switches to the side causing one of the windows to run lines across the screen and then focus in. The humanoid on the other end was nothing the crew had experienced before. His, assuming it was a "he," skin was covered in random black and white rounded designs. His eyes were a large brown with a little white trimming the iris. His nose, or what appeared to be the apparatus with which he breathed out of covered about half his face, his nostrils facing forward. From their vantage point, the rest of his body was very much like a regular human, just black and white, and large.
"Greetings crewmembers of the Ebon Hawk," the creature smiled broadly.
Ari took the lead, "Greetings. It appears you have grazed our ship."
"Massive apologies, it seems we are still not quite used to space travel," his brow rose in concern. "Nobody was hurt, where they?"
"Other than some minor cuts and bruises we are more or less intact."
"Fabulous! I would feel just horrendous if anything were to happen to you. We are trying to reach out and make a first contact of sorts. But I suppose we have just blown our first impression," he chuckled nervously to himself.
Ari frowned and surveyed the rest of the cabin, "Don't worry about it. We have some important business to attend to, so we really need to be on our way."
"But you must let us attend to any damage. Please allow us to help."
"That really isn't necessary."
"But I insist."
"And I insist that we are fine and must be getting on our way," Ari frowned.
"It won't take long, no not long at all. You'll be good as new. Diuren's promise," he thumped himself on his chest. "My promise as captain of this ship and emissary of the Bovineans."
"Bovineans?" Ari asked thoughtfully. "I'm afraid we have never heard of your kind."
"We are a private race. We try not to stick our nose into the affairs of others," Diuren replied.
"No kidding with a nose like that," Mira snickered softly.
Ari glared at the bounty hunter, "I see. Well, we seem to be fine, and we have a busy itinerary, so…"
"I won't hear another word of this!" Diuren interrupted. "Besides we already made the seal with your hatch."
Ari looked down at Atton, who did nothing to hide the displeasure on his face, nod.
"Well, fine. It looks like we are coming aboard," she uttered through gritted teeth.
"Excellent!" Diuren answered gleefully. "We shall see you soon." The screen went blank.
Atton crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back in the chair. "Excellent," he mocked.
"Another delay," Mira answered quietly.
"How is everybody else?" Ari asked as she exited the cockpit.
"Answer: The effeminate blond male meatbag is knocked out. The geriatric meatbag looks old and brooding. Explanation: But seeing as that is her normal state of being, I would say she is the way she should be," HK stated.
Ari grinned thoughtfully, "She can't be happy about this. I'll check on Mical. Mira, Atton, and Bao-Dur, get ready to meet the neighbors."
HK brought Mical to the med bay. Ari placed her hands along his face and abdominal area. "He's fine," she closed her eyes and focused briefly. "Let him rest; we'll be fine without him."
"Wished you'd realize that sooner," Atton said from the doorway.
Ari shot him a look and then looked back at the droid, "All right, HK-47 come along with us."
"Of course, Master," HK replied. Even though he was a droid, Ari had the notion that he was bored. She shook her head as she left.
"Welcome!" Five of the Bovineans greeted the crew as they stepped upon their ship. "This is the Steak House."
"Steak House?" Atton frowned.
"Yes, we admit, it is a strange name, but it is our home," the female Bovinean with 3 pairs of large breasts replied.
"Uh, yeah, uhm… sorry," Atton bit his cheek making himself focus at her face.
"Observation: It appears that the pilot has a neck injury."
"I'm fine," Atton growled at HK.
"We appreciate your kindness," Ari started. "But I'm afraid we really cannot loiter long."
"You must at least meet with Diuren," she insisted. "I am Elsie."
Ari nodded her acknowledgement. "Elsie, I do not want to appear ungrateful, but can we hurry this along, please? We have some vastly important matters to attend to. Several lives are at stake."
Mira snickered. Ari glared at her. Mira straightened.
"How exciting! The lives of traveler's, adventurers, explorers!" she smiled. She picked up Atton's hands in hers, "I bet you have the most exciting adventures of all!"
Atton took a step back, "Uhm, not really…"
"Now, Atton, don't be shy," Mira coaxed. "I'm sure you can regale her with some story about where you faced impossible odds comparing the size of your manhood with others."
"Oooh!" Elsie cooed enthusiastically.
"Elsie," Ari said sternly.
Elsie turned to her still holding onto Atton. "Of course," she rolled her large brown eyes. "Come this way," she winked at Atton. As she turned Atton shuddered, while Mira patted him on the shoulder.
"Why do I get the feeling I should've left the children on the Hawk?" Ari asked under her breath to Bao-Dur.
"You have to admit. The look on Atton's face is entertaining," Bao-Dur replied quietly.
Elsie led them to a large hall that held a large banquet tables set with several place settings. Diuren stood at the opposite side of the room wearing colorful heavy robes lined with white fur. He smiled broadly and extended his arms out to his sides. "Come sit and eat with us."
"This is ridiculous," Ari felt her patience wearing thing. "Diuren, your kindness is overwhelming, but we cannot feast with you. I'm sorry, we have… deadlines to meet."
"My dear, you insult us so. But as you have indicated, time is of the essence."
"I beg your pardon?"
"We too have an urgent matter that requires your assistance."
"You need our help?" Atton frowned.
"Please sit," Diuren urged.
The crew reluctantly agreed.
"As I have indicated, we Bovineans are in danger," Diuren began. "Are you familiar with our race?"
Each member shook his or her head.
"Then, a look into our culture is necessary," he began. He raised his hand to halt Ari's objection, "I'll be brief."
"We Bovineans used to live a symbiotic relationship with the Carnavorsh. We made offerings to them, and they in turn offered us supplies, space, and truly anything we need. Due to a horridly relentless plague the Carnavorsh were destroyed. Every single one of them. It was truly sad," he paused in respectful remembrance. "But we live on. At first, we were overjoyed at the opportunities. We had more land. Some of our kind even boasted that our lives would be better without the Carnavorsh, but without their help, we have found our kind in deep and dire danger."
"Because you aren't able to make your offerings?" Ari frowned skeptically.
"It is deeper than that, my dear, so much more deeper."
"Enough of the dramatic pretense! What do you want?" Atton practically exploded.
"Oh!" Diuren cried. He raised his hands to his face. Attendants on either side of the room comforted him.
"For cryin' out loud, Atton, could you be more insensitive?" Mira complained.
"This is tiresome," Bao-Dur admitted.
Ari rose to her feet, "With all due respect, Diuren. I apologize for your people's heartache, but I really don't see how we can help."
Diuren wiped his nostrils with his robe, "I do apologize, my lady. But you can help even more than you imagine."
"Perhaps we can come back when you are more," she searched for words, "composed."
"Eat us," he said simply.
The crew blinked in unison.
Ari pursed her lips, "Uh… you… what?"
"My dear lady, we need you to eat us," Diuren replied with more conviction.
Ari glanced to each of her friends, "S-So, the problem with the Bovineans is…"
"Simply put, over-population. There are too many of us. We can't go six feet without bumping into each other. You think I'm making this up, don't you?"
Ari realized her jaw dropped open. She shook her head, "No, I believe that you are not making this up."
"Query:" HK 47 started. Ari suddenly wished the droid were in striking distance. "Why don't you just kill off members of your race?"
"The lords forbid it!" Diuren stomped his foot. "The lords teach that in giving of ourselves for feast by others we spread the spirit of the Bovineans."
"Uh, you want us to eat you," Ari restated.
"My dear, as a Jedi, I would hope that you were somewhat brighter than this," Diuren scoffed.
"Ah, so you know of Jedi," she began.
"Well, of course."
"And you realize that on the whole," she paused, "on the whole, eating you issue, that it is simply forbidden, that is… we can not interfere."
Atton snorted.
"Are we wrong in assuming that Jedis are sent to help troubled people?" Diuren charged.
"Traditionally, we aid planets that have joined the Republic," Ari stammered.
"We would be ever so willing to join the Republic if you can help us with this issue," Diuren pleaded.
"This issue to eat you," Mira confirmed.
"Lords, grant me patience, YES! To eat us!" Diuren's nostrils flared.
"I'm afraid we can't help you," Ari replied flatly.
"You are refusing to cooperate?"
"We're refusing to eat your sorry asses, yes," Mira crossed her arms.
"But you haven't seen all of our species. I realize that I'm an older more gamey looking fellow." He motioned to his attendants, "Go get Elmer."
"No, I'm positive that you are not gamey," Ari started.
"Yes?" A large bovinean entered the room.
"Ah yes, Elmer," Diuren smiled. "Look at this," he smacked Elmer's hefty legs. "Now, I guarantee you, that is some hearty delicious Grade A Bovinean here. You'll never see another rump in universe that is anything like this. Imagine, roasting all day over a low flame."
"I can't believe this," Atton rubbed his forehead.
"And this boy isn't using stimulants! It's all lean natural meat, I assure you," Diuren continued.
"I'm sure Elmer is tasty… but I'm sorry," Ari sputtered. "We can't eat you."
"Why not? I assure you we can be prepared in so many ways. In fact we have ancient Carnavorsh text that list ingredients for several highly reputable sauces," Diuren offered.
Ari's brow furrowed as she searched for words. "Diuren, we are honored, if not a little creeped out by your offer." The crew nodded. "But we can't eat WITH you one minute and then eat YOU the next. Call it a cultural conflict."
"Cultural conflict, my dear? More like racism! I would think someone as forward thinking as a Jedi would not give into such archaic prejudices." Diuren pounded a fist into the table.
"I'm sorry, Diuren. That's not the reason why. If anything, we can't eat you because we respect you as a race," Ari countered.
"I cannot convince you otherwise?" Diuren leaned forward.
"No," Ari responded.
"This goes for the rest of you?" he eyed each of them at the table. Each grunted agreement or nodded their response. "That's a shame." He straightened himself and turned from them. "Guards, take them."
"What?" Atton called out.
"There are ways to convince you to our point of view."
"You are arresting us for not eating you?" Mira cried out.
"This is insane!" Atton rushed at a guard headed for him. A blue laser shot from the guard knocked Atton to his knees.
"So much for diplomacy," Ari waved her lightsaber out in front of her as she leapt in front of Atton.
"Put the light sword away, Jedi," Diuren instructed.
"Give me a compelling reason why I should?"
"Simple, we have in our holding cells your remaining crewmembers," Diuren hit a button against the wall. The wall shifted downward revealing a view screen, showing the old woman meditating next to an unconscious Mical next to her.
"They caught the old bag, too. Wow." Mira muttered her admiration.
Ari hesitated and then switched off the lightsaber. Atton then latched onto her leg. "Save me!"
"What did you do to Atton?" Ari asked.
"Seems normal to me…" Mira added.
"It's a simple 'Fear Ray,' Jedi. It does not cause any permanent harm, but it does accentuate his fear for a period of time," Diuren explained. "However, do not think we are incapable of causing permanent harm."
"I am too young to die!" Atton exclaimed.
"Of course not," Ari's lips formed a tight line.
"I can't die a virgin!" Atton cried.
"Atton, you aren't going to die, and secondly, you are most certainly not a virgin," Ari growled.
"Offer: Let me put the meatbag out of his misery."
"Stop trying to kill people, especially our pilot," Ari waved off the droid.
They were placed in a holding cell across from Kreia and Mical. The cells were stark and clean. They didn't have any grooves or latches or anything that may provide aid for an escape. Ari had felt along the edges of the cell, but couldn't find a locking mechanism.
"What do you think?" She looked at Bao-Dur.
"There is probably a latch a floor or two in each of the directions. It's ingenius… Prisoners can't escape if they can't access the lock. That doesn't help our predicament," he shrugged.
"There has to be something," Ari said thoughtfully.
"We could eat them," Mira said.
"Nobody is going to bully me into eating them!" Ari blinked. "I can't believe I actually said that."
"Salmonella poisoning!" Atton exclaimed.
"Extended Offer: I assure you he won't suffer, Master?"
Ari stopped, "Can you bend these bars, HK?"
"Response: Negative. These are made of a reinforced compound."
"Perhaps, I can help?" a feminine voice offered entering the cellblock.
"Elsie?" Ari asked.
"Ahh! The breasts! The breasts!"
"Atton, shut up!" Mira commanded.
"Yes, it's me. I'd be willing to help you out," Elsie appeared before them.
"Really? Why?" Ari frowned.
"Simply put, I just don't want to be eaten."
"I understand," Ari nodded.
"Give me a second," Elsie looked down at a slim rectangular device in her hand and punched in several buttons. The bars "whooshed" to the side. She pointed down the corridor, "Your ship is docked down that way. Hurry!" She urged.
Atton and Bao-Dur picked Mical and balanced him inbetween them. Kreia stood and followed them back to the Hawk. They placed Mical down next to the hatch and closed the seal. Atton raced to the cockpit with Ari following close behind.
"Can you break the seal?"
"I don't know. I don't even know if they have a tractor beam fixed on us," Atton responded.
"Glad to have you back," Ari placed her hand on his shoulder.
Atton nearly jumped out of his chair, "sorry," he said as color crept into his face. "I don't think the Fear Ray has entirely worn off."
"Come on," she coaxed.
Atton punched in commands and primed the ignition. "Hold your breath," he held on to the edge of the console.
"Well?" she asked.
"Damn," he cursed. "Wait a minute… I've got one more thing up my sleeve."
"Do it, we've already wasted too much time," Ari nodded.
"You got it," Atton punched in several sequences. "And…" he held his breath. "Yes!"
Ari looked up and saw that they fell away from the Bovinean ship. "Go!"
"Hyperspace coordinates loaded, and …" Ari braced herself behind Atton's seat. "We're off."
"If it ain't people trying to kill us for livin'… they are tryin' to kill us for not eatin' them. I don't think any bounty is worth this," Mira grumbled.
"Give up on the bounty already," Atton rolled his eyes.
"Hey, Atton, is that a Gizka under your seat?" Mira prodded.
Atton jumped up in the pilot's seat. "Ah! Ah… you…" he eased himself onto the floor.
"What did you have to do get away from the ship? How did we escape?" Ari asked.
"Uh… well, I'm not sure…"
"Atton," Ari warned.
Atton sighed, "I fed them the coordinates to Nal Hutta…"
Ari clicked her tongue, "you gave the species that wanted us to eat them, the coordinates of the home planet of the Hutts."
"It's one less person following us. It seemed like the best of both worlds," Atton explained quickly.
And thus marked the extinction of the Bovinean race.