So kids, this is it. It was the winter of 2010 and I can finally tell you about the day that I met your mother. As you know, the day of the wedding, the heavens opened - I mean, real cats and dogs, guys. It poured with rain, like, all day.
"Yeah, Dad, we know all this. And Mom had the yellow umbrella, right?"
"You may think you know, Luke. But believe me, you don't. What you needed was the context!"
"And you really had to start the story five years before this moment just so we can understand the context?"
"That's why I started on the day I met your Aunt Robin, yes."
"Dad, just get on with it…"
"Okay, so on the day of the wedding…"
*--*--*
Half an hour before the wedding…
Ted stood behind Robin's shoulder, watching her look at herself in the mirror. He smiled, because the warmth and affection he felt for her in that moment was just too great to hold in.
"You look… beautiful…" He said and she did. The white satin strapless dress looked incredible on her.
Robin smirked, giving him a sassy wink. "Not too shabby?"
"Nah," Ted said, resting his hands on her shoulders. "You want anything?"
"Lily's just gone to get us some drinks." She snorted. "To be honest with you, she was driving me a little crazy."
Ted laughed. "She's been worse than when she and Marshall got married."
"If that's possible!" Robin grinned.
"I must say… you look very relaxed."
"Ah… It's a wedding, ya know?" She said, laughing and turning towards him. "I turn up, say 'I do' and then we hit the sack. What's to worry?"
Ted tilted his head, looking at her quizzically. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Robin shrugged. "Why not?"
Ted wanted to say a million things: Because this has all happened to quickly. Because you don't look like you're really in love. Because you should be more nervous. Because you should be more excited. Because, no matter how much I want you to be happy, somewhere deep in my gut this feels all wrong…
But he said nothing, kissing her on the nose, because this was Robin and she's always been a little unconventional. He had to trust that she knew what she was doing. It was her wedding day after all and he didn't want to spoil things for her.
*--*--*
Ted met Marshall coming down the stairs.
"Hey dude, how is she?" Marshall asked, turning in mid-stride and following Ted down to the bar.
Ted sighed. "Wow, Marshall. Can you believe she's getting married?"
Marshall clapped him on the shoulder. "You thinking about what might have been, man?"
Ted shrugged. "No! I mean, maybe a little. But, no! I'm happy for her."
They ordered a couple of beers and sat in silence for a few minutes. "I'm happy for her," Ted repeated, not realising how strange it sounded.
"Uh, are you okay?" Marshall asked him, looking a little concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just…" He stopped himself. "It's nothing."
"Come on!" Marshall chuckled. "What's up, Ted?"
"It's just… don't you think it's weird? I mean, this whole thing's happened so fast and I know she says she's liked him for a while but…"
Marshall nodded. "Yeah. None of us really wanted to say anything… They both seem so sure about this. But I guess we're all thinking it."
Ted felt a little better that Marshall understood that he wasn't just being weird or jealous about Robin. "So how's Barney?" he asked Marshall.
"Oh, you know." Marshall smiled. "I think he wanted to be on his own so I left him up in the room."
"Robin was the same." Ted grinned. "Those two…"
Marshall laughed. "Yeah, like two peas. I just hope he gets his head together. After all, he's got a really important job to do in a half hour's time."
*--*--*
And so, sure enough, your Uncle Marshall and I finally made it to the wedding chapel…
*--*--*
Ted, Marshall and Lily were sitting on the front row in the sparsely-decorated wedding chapel. Ted fiddled with the tiny white box in his hands. His palms were sweating. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
"Where is he?" He hissed to Marshall. "Where the hell is he?"
Marshall shrugged and Lily hissed the both of them to be quiet.
Suddenly the door at the back of the chapel was flung open and Barney stumbled in, sporting a black, eye, his tie askew.
"Stop!" He managed to say, his voice sounding desperate and thin.
Robin and the man standing next to her turned around slowly and glared at him. They both had matching rings on their fingers.
Barney was too late.
*--*--*
"What?"
"Dad, you're telling it wrong! That never happened! It doesn't even make any sense!"
"That's because I haven't told you the most important thing!"
"Dad!"
"You see, an hour before, I caught up with your Uncle Barney in the lobby of the hotel…"
*--*--*
One hour before the wedding…
"So, dude…" Ted said, leaning against the reception counter as Barney signed something on the desk. "Best man speech? You ready with that?"
Barney looked over at him with something like surprise. "Uh, of course!" He spluttered. "I was born ready. My speech is going to be legen-"
"Barney," Ted interrupted him, laughing. "I'd just leave out the jokes about you banging Robin for three months before she met Brian!"
There was a flash of something in Barney's eyes which made Ted pause because it was something he really, really hadn't wanted to see. "Sorry, dude." He blurted.
"What have you got to be sorry about?" Barney asked with an innocence that was far too over-played. "I'm awesome…"
"Yeah, right. Barney - are you going to be okay to go through with this?"
Barney's right eye started to twitch. "Yeah… of course… I mean, Brian doesn't know anyone else in New York and Robin asked me and…" He trailed off.
"Seriously, dude. What is wrong with you?" Ted said, exasperatedly.
"Don't know what you mean…"
Ted stared at him, wishing Marshall were there. He wondered if it would be within the rules of slap-bet to ask his friend to use his fifth and final slap-
*--*--*
"Hey, Dad - what happened to the fourth slap?"
"I didn't tell you guys about the fourth slap? Wow, that was a doozy. It was in the summer of 2009 when-"
"Dad!"
"What?"
"Just get on with the wedding story already?"
"Really? Okay then… where was I…?"
*--*--*
-to wake Barney up to the reality of the situation. He obviously had to spell it out a little more clearly.
"Barney, how can you possibly be their best man when you are still in love with Robin?"
Barney's eyes darted around desperately, as if he were trying to think of a way to distract Ted and get out of answering. Ted lost his temper.
"Barney!"
"I have to do it, Ted. Robin asked me!" Barney's shoulders sagged. He looked pathetic.
"Dude, seriously. What are you doing to yourself? You practically paid for their wedding! You even bought Robin's dress! It's like you're doing everything you can to get them together. Why, man?"
Barney shrugged, hopeless. "Don't know." He said in a small voice. He got the ring-box out of his pocket and opened it, turning it around in his hands.
"You want me to take that?" Ted asked him, gently.
Barney handed him the box.
"Look, just show up. That's all she needs from you. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to make a speech. I'll talk to her and explain. She just wants you to stand there and support her."
Barney nodded glumly. "She made her choice," he said, sadly.
Ted nodded. "I'm not saying it was the right one but, yeah, she did."
Barney swallowed. "I need a cigarette."
Ted nodded with understanding. "I'll see you in the chapel, okay?"
But Barney was already walking away.
*--*--*
"Okay, so the rest of this I got to hear about from your Aunt Lily a while later."
*--*--*
An hour before the wedding…
"Lily, have you seen my blue garter?" Robin shouted from the bedroom.
Lily rolled her eyes, searching through Robin's suitcase. "I thought you weren't bringing that old thing!" She said. She looked over at Robin, who was adjusting her stockings. "Be careful when you pull the dress over your hair?"
"You're gonna help me with that?" Robin asked her, smiling serenely.
Lily didn't get it. She really didn't get it. All brides went a bit insane over their wedding. All brides freaked out a bit at all the little things that went wrong. Robin was just so… calm… about it. Not to mention the fact that the man who she'd been dating before Brian was now her best man. That was just… it was really…
Wrong…
She and Marshall had talked about it in bed the night before. She'd finally voiced all the concerns she'd been carrying around for the last month: How she hadn't had the heart to say anything to Robin, but that she felt that her friend was making a mistake. This Brian guy was okay, he was nice, but he wasn't one of them. And, more importantly, he wasn't Barney.
And the idea of Robin getting married was just stupid because Robin had always said how much she didn't want to be tied down. It was like someone had taken her friend's brain and transplanted it for someone else's in the middle of the night.
Marshall had a theory about alien body snatchers…
Lily tried to smile as she handed Robin the garter but her heart wasn't in it. She felt like crying.
"Robin…" She began. If she didn't say something, she knew she'd always regret it.
"Are you absolutely sure about this? I mean, marrying Brian…?"
"I'm not going to marry Brian." Robin said, calmly.
Lily assumed she must have misheard her. "I'm sorry, but what?" She said.
"I'm not going to marry Brian." Robin repeated, smiling indulgently like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
In a way, this was almost a relief. At last, Robin was acting like a proper bride! She was freaking out! Lily wanted to yell with joy and pat Robin on the back. But instead she said, "Sure you are, sweetie. You're just about to put on your dress and I'm pretty sure that in an hour's time you'll be saying 'I do' to a guy in a tux…"
Robin turned towards her, standing up straight and adjusting her corset.
"I'm not going to marry Brian because Barney's going to stop the wedding."
*--*--*
Lily stared at her incredulously.
Robin ignored her and walked over to the closet to get her dress.
"Barney?" Lily said. "We're talking about Barney Stinson? Your best man?"
Robin nodded.
"But… but why?" Lily spluttered.
Robin's laughter had kind-of a crazy edge. "Because he's in love with me!"
"B-Brian's in love with you, Robin. I know that both their names beginning with the letter 'B' might be confusing, but-"
"Lily, Barney's never going to let me marry Brian."
Lily shook her head. This was just… beyond normal bride craziness. This was dangerously insane. "Seriously, Robin - you've got to snap out of this. I'm really worried about you."
Robin ignored this, holding out the dress so that Lily could help her into it. When they were done and Lily was fixing the buttons on the back, she finally replied. "Lily, I can't wait around for Barney forever. You know how he's been driving me crazy this past six months! One minute he's all over me, the next minute he's freaking out. I know he wants to... to... be with me. It's just half the time he expects me to be a mind reader. I have to know for sure. In an hour's time I guess I will know for sure. This was the only way I could think of to get Barney to come to terms with how he really feels."
"You're marrying another guy to get Barney to admit how he feels? That's insane!"
Robin shrugged.
"And what happens if Barney doesn't stop the wedding?"
Robin examined herself in the mirror and casually smoothed down her eyebrows, saying. "He will." Then she turned back to Lily and said - "Hey, do you think the bar's open? I could kill a scotch right now."
Lily smiled weakly. "For the bride, the bar's always open."
*--*--*
Three quarters of an hour before the wedding
There was a knock on the door. Ted turned to Marshall, who went to the door to see who it was.
"What the…?" Marshall explained as Barney limped into the room, covering his eye, supported by a woman who neither of them recognised.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" She said. "Hi! I'm Sarah. I just- I think I accidentally- That is…"
Marshall stepped in to help her get Barney on to the bed. "What happened?" He said. Barney groaned as Ted tried to pry his hand away from his face, so inspect the damage.
"We had a little, that is, Barney ran into the end of my umbrella as I was coming into the hotel just now. It knocked him out."
Barney yelped as Ted touched his cheek. "You're going to have a good ol' shiner there, buddy!" He laughed.
"I'm so sorry, you guys!" Sarah said, sitting down next to Ted. She smiled at him and his stomach did flip flops. She had nice eyes-
*--*--*
"Finally! It's Mom!"
"Yay Mom! So that's how you met her? Can we go now?"
"But don't you want to hear what happened to your Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin?"
"Nah, we're good!"
"Really?"
"Well, maybe tell us a bit more."
"Yeah, it's not like we have anything to do or anything…"
"You guys don't sound like you care that much."
"Dad! You really can't take a joke, can you?"
"Yeah, Dad. Psych!"
"That's it, I'm stopping right there! You kids can go help your Mom make dinner."
"We take it all back, Dad."
"Yeah, please… come on! Tell us how it ends…?"
"All right! I guess I can force myself! So where was I…?
*--*--*
-and the most incredible ebony-coloured hair, that caught the light when she moved. Ted shook himself.
"What are you all doing, anyway?" She asked. "Some kind of matching tuxedo convention?" Her eyes twinkled as she said it and both Ted and Marshall laughed.
"It's a wedding, of course…" Ted grinned at her.
"Oh, right!" She said, with mock-solemnity. She chuckled. She had a great chuckle. A friendly chuckle. A sexy chuckle. Ted loved her chuckle.
Oh crap, he thought.
"So which one of you handsome gentleman is the groom?" Sarah asked him, and Ted noticed there was more than a hint of relief in her eyes when he answered "None of us."
"Well, he's the best man!" Marshall explained, pointing at Barney.
"No!" Sarah laughed. "So I've really blown it?"
Barney groaned again. "Think I'm gonna throw up!" He said, and Marshall helped him to the bathroom.
"So, this umbrella?" Ted asked her, turning towards her. Wow, she was really pretty. "It sounds like a pretty awesome weapon…"
Sarah laughed again, grinning. "Well, you know, there was me and another woman trying to get in the door at the same time, waving them about and not really looking where we were going. And you know that you're not supposed to cross the streams… I guess your friend Barney got caught in the crossfire. He's probably lucky to be alive…" She grinned.
Cross the streams? Ted's eyes went wide. She can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters.
"Hey," He said, because he couldn't help himself. "I don't suppose you play bass guitar do you?"
She looked at him in surprise. "That's a weird thing to say."
"I'm a weird guy!" Ted replied. "Weird, but charming, devastatingly good-looking and, did I say charming?"
She chuckled again. "It's weird because I actually did play bass all through college. I was in a band…"
The words "I love you" rose up in his throat but he bit them back. Because you don't get to say those words right away, even if you think them. He knew that now.
And he had Robin to thank for it…
*--*--*
About an hour later and 5 minutes too late...
"Stop!"
Robin turned around, her eyes full of tears. Her makeup was running.
"You stupid… you unbelievably stupid… you IDIOT!" She shouted at him.
"What?" Barney said, stumbling to a halt.
"You're too late!"
Barney stood there and gulped. Robin put her hands on her hips.
"Well?"
"You can't marry him. I love you."
"I've just married him!"
"Well, get it annulled!"
"Why? Should I marry you?"
"No! Of course not! You're Robin Scherbatsky! You shouldn't marry anyone!"
Robin laughed, a little hysterically. Ted got to his feet. At the back of the chapel, he could see Sarah sitting there, pale faced. She met his eye and gave him a shocked little smile. Ted grabbed Robin's arm and led her down the centre aisle of the chapel until they reached Barney. Robin caught Brian's eye as Ted dragged her away, her expression full of guilt and regret. Ted steeled himself and pushed Robin towards Barney. They'd deal with Brian later.
"Will you two just sort this out once and for all?" Ted said.
For a moment it seemed as though nothing would happen. Everyone watched, holding their breath, hearts in their mouths, while Barney and Robin jut stood there and looked at each other.
Then Barney stepped forward, wrapped his arms around Robin and pulled her in for a kiss. After a few moments, Robin pulled away.
"I'm in love with you," she said.
"I know," Barney replied, and he kissed her again.
Ted grinned, because this was about as close to happily-ever-after that those two were ever going to get. He moved slowly away from the happy couple and sat down at the back of the chapel, next to Sarah.
"Well," she said, under her breath. "I'm not sure I understood any of that."
"Let me buy you dinner and I'll explain?" He replied, grinning happily. "I know it's raining, but there's a great little bistro around the corner."
She smiled at him, a smile full of warmth and truth and safety. He wanted to tell Barney - "This is her - this is the one I've been looking for" but he guessed his friend had his hands full at that moment.
"I've got an umbrella," Sarah replied.
*--*--*
"…and that, kids, is the story of how I met your mother."
"Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"What happened to Brian?"
"Huh?"
"What happened to the guy Robin married?"
"Hang on, you kids want to know more?"
"Well, you can't leave it there just because you've met Mom! You've taken us on this journey for the last five months! We care about these people."
"Yeah, that's a terrible place to end it, Pops."
"Don't you know anything about story telling…?"
"You kids'll be the death of me…"
"So you're gonna tell us?"
"Maybe. Let's go get dinner."
"Dad!"
"Tomorrow. Come on, your Mom's calling."
"Just so long as you do."
"Tomorrow?"
"Okay. Hmmm, let me think. Did I ever tell you the story of how your Uncle Marshall became a judge…?"
The end.
.