No Frelling Place Like Home
by
Archer83 and Vergil1989 the Crossover King
Summary: A pilot and his Commander barely escape the destruction of their ship, when a radiation wave hits their escape pod during a desperate attempt at survival. Now trapped in a new universe, they join a motley group of prisoners, a cosmic castaway, and a discarded military officer who are all just trying to find their way home.
Disclaimer: Sadly, Vergil and I own neither Farscape or Mass Effect. We do enjoy messing around in these great fictional universes though.
Author's Notes: Archer83: This story has a special place in my heart since it was the very first bit of writing I ever did for the fun of it. I'd like to give Vergil a big thank you for helping me flesh out my original idea at a scant thousand words into this great first chapter.
Vergil1989: Ah it's the least I could do man. At any rate, enjoy everyone!
And now, some proper opening music. Please play - Theme from Farscape.
As if there were any OTHER music to play. Oh wait, there is. :P Mass Effect 1 opening theme comes to mind.
Quiet you! Fine, pick mine or Vergil's...even if mine sets the mood better...
A long time ago... in the distant future... in a galaxy not so far away…
D'argo, can you cut the frelling intro?!
Thank you Aeryn. Now our story begins on a dark and stormy night...
In space? Are you frelled in the brain Crichton? Wait, dumb question, even for a dominar!
Sparky, shut it.
I don't have to listen to you Joker.
If all of you continue this pointless argument, I will space you. Starting with His Supreme Eminence over there.
Um….right Shepard. Shutting up now.
Chapter 1: From One Pilot to Another.
Date: 2183
Location: SSV Normandy in battle above Alchera.
Why didn't I just get in the damn pod?! "They're coming around for another attack!" I yelled as my baby continued to be ripped to shreds all around me. Not exactly being subtle, Shepard grabs my arm, before pulling me toward the last remaining escape pod. How cliche is that? "Aahhh! Watch the arm!" A very manly yelp bursts out of me, feeling the bones cracking in my forearm. Just as she all but threw my ass into the pod, the whole deck seemed to explode around us and Shepard was pushed back from me.
"Shepard!" I scream and immediately jump up, leaning my injured arm toward her, not even thinking about how stupid an idea that was. Her fingers brush mine as I desperately reached out further, and somehow, I just barely manage to grab hold of her hand. Seeing frigging stars as I somehow pull her in, I suddenly wish had used the arm that didn't already hurt like a SOB.
Not many people get to see gratitude coming from those intense emerald eyes, I'm just happy she's not drifting in space right now. "Thanks Joker." Shepard quietly says as she slams the emergency eject button.
All I manage to respond with is a loud groan of pain. "Ow!" Oh good, I think I'm starting to pass out. A little mental oblivion is just what I need right now.
Shepard apparently doesn't see it that way as I get a stinging light slap on the face. "Hey! Hang on Joker, don't wuss out on me now! Jeff! Stay awake! I'll see if there's some medi-gel in the first aid kit."
"Remember, has to be gold." I whisper through clenched teeth.
"Huh? What the hell are you talking about Joker?" She's looking at me, a little worried, as she applied some medi-gel to my busted, throbbing, and incredibly damn painful, I might add, right arm. Let me put it this way, having brittle bone disease sucks!
"My medal, for pulling your boots out of the fire yet again Commander." I remind her, because I am just that awesome.
"Well if someone had gotten their crippled ass into the escape pod when they were told too, you wouldn't have had to save me, now would you?" Uh oh. I know that look. Honestly, I'm just hoping I have one unbroken limb by the end of today.
Ok, so maybe she has a point, but I'm sure as hell not going to tell her that. "Well at least we're both okay Commander." Time to slap my forehead if she hasn't gotten the point already. "Oh right, you broke my arm TWICE in the last two minutes!
"Bitch, bitch, bitch Moreau." Cue the evil chuckle while she finishes her first aid on my arm. Yeah, that's not creepy at all.
"Sorry Shepard, I didn't mean to snap like that. For what it's worth , a busted arm is a small price to pay for getting us both out of there." I am totally not feeling guilty right now. "And yes, I should have just gone to the damn escape pod okay?!" Okay, maybe a little, as a sudden feeling of what can only be called intense goddamn guilt over endangering Shepard creeps up on me.
"I understand why you tried to save her Jeff, but the deck was just stacked against us this time." Shepard says with a sympathetic look as she sits down next to me. "Joker, there was nothing you could have done to save her at that point."
A pleasant sounding voice, ie annoying, started to ring throughout the pod. "Proximity Alert. Proximity Alert, entering planetary atmosphere. Alert, heat shielding: offline, kinetic barriers: offline. Please take immediate action to avoid imminent structural failure."
"Well since you asked nicely." I groan at the automated alarm. "Shepard, help me get to the pod controls." As I sit down at the pod maneuvering thruster control panel, I suddenly realize just how royally boned we are. Alchera is filling the pod's one tiny porthole very quickly. "Shepard, strap yourself in one of those seats!" I yell back to her as I fanatically think of any way to stop us from becoming two human sized burnt marshmallows as we got ever closer to Alchera's atmosphere. "Gotta try something crazy here Commander!"
"Warning. Warning. Incoming electromagnetic wave and debris." Damn, through goes my baby. You were the best I ever had.
Is that worry in her emerald eyes? Nah, can't be, she doesn't get worried. "Do I even want to know Joker?"
"Probably not." I honestly tell her as I fire the thrusters, trying to use the gravity well of the planet itself to increase our speed and keep us from falling even farther into the atmosphere and burning to a crisp. "Come on baby, hold together!" I shout, as if that's somehow going to help, as the pod starts to slingshot around Alchera's upper atmosphere.
"Joker... What. The Hell. Is that?" I glance out of the porthole to look at whatever has gotten Shepard's attention.
"Don't ask me! I've never seen anything like that before! We should call Guiness, don't you think?" I stare in amazement at what appears to be a huge blue swirling vortex in space, directly in front of us. "I can't get us clear of this thing! Hang on SHEPARD!" I quickly shouted at her as we headed straight into the vortex of doom and our probable death.
Date: Unknown
Location: Unknown
"Oh SHIT! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!" Oddly enough, that was the only thought that came to mind with the crazy ass shit I was seeing right now. We appeared to be going at breakneck speed through some type of blue crystalline tunnel. After what felt like an hour on a puke inducing roller coaster, but must have been only a few seconds of sheer terror, we seemed to bust out back into open space.
"Well THAT was one hell of a ride! Wanna go again?" Shepard says in an irritatingly happy voice, probably with a giant damn grin on her face, standing behind my left shoulder. With that helmet on, it's hard to tell, but the feeling was there.
I just shake my head in annoyance, and she tells me I act nuts sometimes. Ha! Yeah, right. "Commander, you are insane. Just thought I'd mention that again. For the third time today."
"Noted. Let's just see if we can find any of the other pods, smart ass." It turns out even a little whack on the back of your head still hurts like a mother if said whacker is wearing armored gloves.
"Scanning now Commander Bligh, huh, now that's incredibly weird. As in impossibly weird. I'm not picking up any of the other escape pods... we aren't even in the same system!" Now this is getting freaky, to say the least. Just keep your shit together Moreau, gotta be an explanation.
"That's impossible, we couldn't have traveled that far in only a few sec..." She paused as a thought crossed her mind. And she's crossing her arms, what a shock. "That anomaly we ran into, could it have transported us somehow?"
I thought it over for a second too, wondering why she suddenly thought I had a damn degree in astrophysics. "Coulda been some type of wormhole I guess, I mean I suppose it's possible, but there's no record of any Alliance, or Council ships for that matter, ever finding one."
"You mean one that ever came back Joker." Great work damaging my calm Shepard. That wasn't something I wanted to think about.
"Proximity Alert. Proximity Alert. An unknown vessel within 100 kilometers and closing."
"God, that V.I. is starting to get annoying." I grouse as I hit the 'Mute Alerts' button on the haptic display. Gotta love a good ol fashion Mute button.
"Is it the enemy contact that attacked us?" That's it Shepard, I'm sure glaring hard enough will get the little dot on my screen to burst into flames.
"No Commander... judging by these sensor readings it's a smaller ship, maybe the size of destroyer or a light cruiser." Let's hope their friendly. I guess we'll find out pretty damn quick won't we?
Looking at the readings for herself, she tried to catch a glimpse of the ship through our small window over my shoulder. "Well, they're not shooting at us, I guess that's an improvement."
Wow. Not getting shot at is good? Shepard's grasp of the obvious is astounding. "Gee you think?"
"Joker." Okay, time to back off a little, last thing I need is to be trapped in here with a pissed off biotic.
"Shutting up." Just as I say that, totally just to calm her down and not to save my brittle butt, some kind of weird ass machine started approaching us from the huge ship's hangar bay. At least I hoped it was a hangar bay and not say, some big ass torpedo launcher. The moment it got within its optimum range, the pod lurched and started to be dragged behind the device that had since turned around and started back for the ship. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Just hope Vader isn't hanging around. Be about our luck. If we open the hatch and the Imperial Theme starts playing, I'll take my chances outside. I'd rather not stick around and see if Shepard trounces him or not.
"Because you're an eternal pessimist / sarcastic wiseass? Cheer up Joker, they want us alive at least. Feel free to complain when the torture starts." Was that a joke? Her sense of humor officially sucks. Where's the, 'Don't worry Joker, anybody messes with us, I'll just kill them with my pinky finger, and a sharp stick', Shepard?
"Whatever you say Commander. Just hope they start with you first if they do pull out the red hot pokers." Damn how I hope she's wrong. It's bad enough I got us into this insane mess, I can't let her get hurt because of me. Worst case, maybe I can distract them with the sound of snapping shin bones and screaming, while she escapes.
Something in my dreamy olive eyes draws her attention. Maybe it's the fact I am totally freaked the hell out now. "I'm kidding Joker, anyone so much as touches you, I'll snap their neck." Oh, there we go. There's the badass biotic bitch I know and love, err, respect. Not my fault you could grate cheese on those abs. Or anywhere else for that matter. Oh boy, it's the welcoming committee. And there's literally pointy objects.
Great. A hot chick is pointing a rifle at us. The guy next to her looks like he trusts us about as much as she does. They're both human at least, I'll take what I can get at this point. "D'argo, you got that sword handy?" Maybe we should just leave the hatch- nope of course Shepard is opening it already. Oh well, time to limp up behind her.
"I feel insulted you'd even ask human." Turning back to us, Tentacles raises his sword as if he was preparing to fire a rifle as he ducked behind some kind of pillar. "Come out slowly Peacekeeper, and toss your weapons to the ground!"
"Not a chance." And here comes the pistol with a side of ball o' dark energy forming in her free hand. "I recommend you take a breath and let us explain what we're doing here before I start making a mess. You'll live longer that way."
"Whoa there lady, no need to get all hostile. Let's just chill for a sec here." I instantly decide I don't like Mr. Southern Drawl as he glances at Shepard from head to toe and back again. Yes, the armor's scary, but form fitting, get over it.
"I say we should just shoot them both and be done with it Crichton." Okay, he's starting to warm up to me compared to his armed buddy. Well hello homicidal woman of my dreams. Hasn't anyone told her it's not nice to point big nasty looking rifles at guests? Better not get flirty, I have a feeling she'll shoot off something really important to me.
"No one is shooting anyone Aeryn...calm down. You seriously need yoga or something for that pent up rage you got goin' on." He holds his hands out, most likely to show he wasn't carrying anything, as if anyone would trust this bozo with a gun anyway. "Name's Commander John Crichton, I'm a scientist and a bad ass test pilot. The big guy over there is D'argo." 'D'argo' gave 'John' what I took to be a glare before growling in the back of his throat as he focused back on us. "The warrior woman next me here is Officer Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper commando. Don't worry, she grows on you. Eventually." 'Aeryn' scoffs at him, which kinda makes like her just a little, but doesn't lower her rifle. I'm sure she grows on you alright, like a parasitic fungus.
"Okay, you got my attention Commander Crichton." While Shepard didn't lower her gun, the dark energy in her hand disappeared, for the moment. "My name is Commander Kara Shepard, guy behind me is Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau. He's my own badass pilot. We aren't these 'Peacekeepers', like your big friend over there believes. We're Alliance military, just lost our ship, and somehow found our way through a wormhole, or something. I'm a marine, not a scientist, I can't really explain what the hell happened."
"You too huh? Sucks doesn't it? One day you're minding your own business, flying a prototype spacecraft, or whatever you two were doing, and then you get sent to the ass end of nowhere." Stare too much? Yup, I hate this guy.
"Actually wiseass, I saved our butts after some cruiser blasted my baby into space debris." And look who's calling the kettle black now. The irony wasn't lost on Kara- eerrr Shepard either as she gave me a strange look behind the visor of her helmet.
"Okay, that's definitely more impressive, I'll give ya that." John nodded his head and lowered his arms to his sides before finally deciding to cross them over his chest. Could this guy hold still for five seconds?! "So, did you do the slingshot around a planet trick?"
That certainly got my attention. "Yeah, how'd you know?"
"I'm going to guess you were desperate and pulled it out of your ass. So, it was that or either A) burn up in the atmosphere, or B) get blown to smithereens by that crusier you mentioned. Sorry, you two just don't seem like the experiment conducting types. Especially in that." If Aeryn the Destroyer wouldn't have probably shot me first, I would've been tempted to break my fist on his face at the less than impressed look he gave our ride.
"Kinda didn't have time to go for the Delorean, smartass." Might be a hunk of singed junk now, but it's all we got at the moment.
"Huh? Oh right, movie buff eh? I don't think a time machine is going to help when you're suffocating, drifting through the void of space." Dammit! Only one pilot on this boat gets to have the good comebacks. Prick.
"Better than whatever that piece of junk is over there. Do you have to get out and push every time you start it up? Looks like a nice museum piece." Pointing to what I had no doubt to be Crichton's ride, I can't help but smirk at the offended look the test pilot threw my way. Go pout, I win.
"Joker." Finally lowering her gun, it was apparently the Commander's turn to look bored. God even annoyed she looks...like my CO, who I am totally not interested in. At all.
"Must we waste time with these lesser life forms Crichton? I still say we should shoot them and be done with it." Okay, I am starting to think Aeryn doesn't like us very much.
"I agree, the sooner we deal with them, the sooner we can be on our way." Okay Grumpy, you are officially on the 'don't turn your back on this guy' list too. Might be fun to see Shepard chop one of those weird tentacle things off though.
"No one is shooting anyone guys." From the guy's voice, I got the hint this was a familiar song and dance for the three of them. Turning to my wary CO, Crichton stepped forward, showing a surprising amount of bravery for a guy she could probably bench press with one arm tied behind her back. "Can ya at least take that damn helmet off so it's not so intimidating for the folks behind me? For all we know you have three heads under there or somethin' darlin'."
"I'll try not to take that as in insult." Yeah, key word there is try. Shepard is more of a doer than a trier. Or as Yoda would say, there is no try with her. You either get behind her or get out of her way. The third option is usually a little more, shall we say, extreme. Body bags are usually required in copious goddamn amounts. Provided there's anything left to bag and tag, if not, then the dust pan usually comes out, or a sponge. Ah there's that happy face...that can make a krogan piss his pants in ten seconds flat.
"You're Sebacean?" Aeryn is suddenly giving Shepard a dirty look, gotta say kinda sexy when she's angry, which really helps to not damage my fragile calm even more.
"I'm human, just like Joker." That really shouldn't have gotten the type of mixed reactions we're seeing right now. God I wish I could smack that goofy grin off of John's face. Tentacles doesn't look particularly happy, more like disgusted. And Aeryn...wow. Note to self, do not piss this chick off. Ever.
"Wait...you're human? Hot damn! It was getting a tad lonely to be honest." Wow, that frown on Aeryn's face turned into a scowl in less than half a second. Methinks the heavily armed soldier girl doth really have the hots for this other human guy.
"So you truly are a lesser life form, like Crichton. As if we didn't have enough of them running about Moya's interior." Ouch. Bitch, nobody insults homosapien awesomeis and lives to tell about it.
"Can ya not antagonize our new house guests Aeryn? Or insult me in front of them? Pretty please?" Apparently something must have snagged in John's mind because his head snapped back to us fast enough to put a crick in his neck. "So wait, if you're human, how come you can understand my buddies? I haven't seen any of the DRDs go near ya since ya got here."
I can tell Shepard's put that poker face of her's to good use as she just shrugs without batting a sexy emerald eye. "Universal translators. Everyone gets them implanted at birth." Okay, that's not exactly classified info, how the hell wouldn't they know about that? "Kind of surprised you don't use them actually." Thank you for once again stating the obvious Shepard.
"Here we get microbed and probed. I have the scar on my foot and the little microscopic critters at the base of my brain to prove it."
"Yeah, that doesn't sound insanely creepy at all. I think we'll stick with our implants." Burn! Nice one Kara, want some cream for that one Johnny boy? Wait who's this? So blue...
"Welcome aboard Moya, I hope our more combat minded friends have not given you too much trouble." Yup, blue from head to toe. Wow, jackpot, they have asari here too?! No wait, no head fringe, and she has some weird growth on her face. Still sexy though. Is that robe of her's seethrough? "You must be tired after your own narrow escape. There would be no other reason to use an escape pod, right Crichton?" Aeryn and D'argo sigh but finally lower their weapons as John nods his head. Finally, a voice of reason! Let me reiterate, in a damn near seethrough robe. I like her. A lot. Even Commander Badass is a little tongue tied I see. Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. Garrus in a bathrobe. There we go. "Please, allow let me to provide you with some food and drink. We don't have much I'm afraid, but we are all willing to share."
"Thank you." Tucking her helmet under her right arm, Shepard looked towards me and frowned for an entirely different reason before looking back to the group in front of us. I knew what was worrying her, and it made me want to grind my teeth together because of my own damn shortcomings. Sighing as I waved my arm in defeat, my messed up right arm resting on the wall of our pod, I just motioned for her to go ahead. Uh oh, cue her 'like hell' expression. "My friend here got a little banged up when we abandoned ship. Would you mind giving me a little help um..." Okay, I had expected a lot of things but that was surprisingly nice, coming from Shepard. Guess we'll have the 'brittle bone disease' talk later. I can do later.
"I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan. But please, Zhaan will suffice." Without another word, Zhaan slipped under my right arm while Shepard took the left. I could get used to this.
"Don't get any ideas Joker." And Shepard has to go and pop my ego like one of those 'gas bag' things she saw on Eden Prime. Can't a guy dream Shep?
"What ideas? I'm a saint, Zhaan right? Shepard here is the one you need to watch out for. Don't let her get you drunk, probably end up eating breakfast together." Glare at me all you want Kara, I love seeing an honest-to-god blush on your face.
"You are a strange yet charming man Joker, and going by shipboard time, we are having breakfast now. That way, we can eat first and have the implied sexual relations later."
"Really?" Ow! Since I don't need another broken arm, I better stop now before Shepard elbows me again.
"Ignore him Zhaan. He's an excellent pilot, but his people skills need some work." I'm horney. I have a pulse, these are conditions I don't exactly think need to be changed.
"Says the woman who'd rather shoot first and ask questions later. Ouch! Not the arm, again." That's gonna leave a bruise, yup, definitely.
At least my agony got a smile from Zhaan the sexy blue asari look alike. "It is apparent you care a great deal about each other. You are definitely not Peacekeepers. I have seen many, and all of them are far less...emotionally driven."
"You mean they're all as coldly calculating as Officer Sun here?" Shepard, could you not say that when I'm standing next to you? And the Ice Princess is right behind us? Yup, still has that rifle of her's to. Perfect.
"That's one way of lookin' at 'em Commander." Can I say that John is starting to get on my nerves? "Here's another. They're cold blooded lunatics that like to shoot first and ask questions, never."
"I'll remember that Crichton." Trouble in paradise Crichton? I won't envy you and your sleepless night tonight pal. Hehe. Ow. Note to self, don't laugh.
"Damn, I forgot the 'present company excepted' part didn't I? Oh well, another night sleeping with one eye open I guess." Oh boy, he's holding up a finger and blocking our path, this should be good. "Speaking of which, do not trust Rygel. And I mean ever. Got it? If you happen to be on fire, don't ask him to put your ass out. Get help from anybody else kinda thing."
"Perhaps Officer Sun would be less inclined to harm you John Crichton, if you did not endeavor to anger her at every turn?" And just as I thought things couldn't get any stranger, some kind of multi limbed alien appeared on a nearby screen just as we entered the mess hall. "As for the Hynerian, I must admit that Crichton has a point. He is likely to steal all of your possessions the moment he's sure he can get away with the crime. After drugging you to sell your organs first, of course." At least this alien dude has a sense of humor. I could work with that.
Ok, scratch my earlier thought about things getting any stranger because they just did when some old wrinkly toad on a throne hovered to a stop right in front of us. "Welcome! Welcome my wayward travelers! If there is anything you-"
"Already gave them the, 'Rygel wouldn't give you water if you were on fire', speech Sparky. Nice try." Sparky? Is that the best he could come up with? Toady, nah too obvious.
"You did what?! How dare you impugn my honor, this human is nothing but a stinking load of boll yotz! Don't believe anything he says!" And I'm starting to see why Crichton warned us about this guy. "I apologize for my outburst, now if there is-"
"Oh give it a rest your 'eminence', and get out of my way." D'argo batted aside the toad's hover chair before stomping over to what I could only assume was the ship's food stores.
I can literally see this guy's stock going up in Shepard's eyes. Gotta say, he's not one to screw around, even if the guy is painfully blunt. "Thanks. Wish I could introduce you to this guy named Udina, so I could leave you alone with him in a locked room."
"Do not thank me human. Rygel is a spineless slug, nothing more, and as such, is easily pushed aside." Okay, even I'm starting to like this guy. He's got a nice Wrex vibe about him. Just needs to work that stick out of his ass.
"And you're a Luxan barbarian, but you don't see me pointing out the obvious, do you?" Rygel, you should really learn to keep your ugly little mouth shut. "And you human, you are far from worthy enough to be locking me in with anyone." Wait...did he just hover on over and whack Shepard with his little stick thing. Oh. Shit. This isn't gonna be pretty. Yup he knows he's royally screwed the second he sees the look on her face and starts to hover out of the room. Too late to get away now buddy.
"Get back here Short Stuff." With a flick of her glowing hand, Rygel's hover throne stopped dead in the doorway, and as we all know kiddies, when acted upon by an outside force, an object in motion doesn't stay in motion. Rygel the Not-So-Great soon found that out the hard way as he flew out of his chair and wound up sprawled out on the deck, face first. "Consider that a warning. Your Highness." I'll admit it, I almost pissed myself when Shepard gave our new 'royal' door mat a slight bow.
"Impressive work Commander. I've never seen abilities like yours before. It does add credence to your admittance of not being a Peacekeeper." Wait, did Officer Hardass actually just be nice for five seconds? Hmm note to self; Aeryn likes to see Rygel in pain. That can be arranged.
"Huh, so is that like the Force or somethin' Commander? Gotta say, it's a neat trick." Uh oh.
"Uh...yes. Exactly." She waves her hand in front of Crichton's face, and I know what's coming. God I love this woman. "These are not the droids you're looking for. Damn. That one still needs work." Surprise, surprise Aeryn doesn't like that smirk on Shepard's face. Or that grin on Crichton's.
"Nice effort Obi-Wan, but yeah, I wouldn't quit your day job. And last time I checked, Jedi's don't glow blue. Not unless they're ghosts anyway."
"More of your useless human humor. Like the cheek'on who crosses the road. Even so, I want to know more about your ability. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was Delvian mysticism." And here come the pitch forks and torches. Huh, I kinda hoped we'd last more than a half hour.
"That would be an incorrect assumption D'argo. Moya's sensors detected focused levels of dark energy. Further analysis would be required to understand Commander Kara's unique abilities, but I for one am quite intrigued." At least crab legs knows the score, funny how Shepard isn't correcting it, him, whatever. Musta had a pet hermit crab or something.
"Whatever it is, I don't care. Never dethrone me again!" At least Rygel learned his lesson as he pulled himself off the floor, righted his 'throne', and prepared to make a hasty exit.
"Oh, don't worry, I won't dethrone you the next time you insult me or my friend. I'll just decapitate you instead." And that boys and girls is why you don't piss off Shepard.
"I like the way she thinks." Johnny boy gives Aeryn a strange look as she shrugs. "What?"
"If we are all quite done, breakfast is ready." Zhaan intervenes by putting a steaming pile of….is that a pile of green cubes? What is this, a bad sixties sci-fi show? Where's the actual food? "I apologize, but like I said before, we don't have much to offer."
"It's alright Zhaan. I'm sure it's better than Alliance rations." Way to go Shep, making friends over dinner. At least we won't starve, excessive puking may be in my future though.
"Not so sure about that Comman-" Great, now I'm getting 'the look'...of instant horrible death. Basically, insult them, and I'm next for the airlock. Fine...geez. "I'll just try a few." Oh, oh God, I was right, I'm gonna puke. Just swallow it dammit! Huh...had worse I guess. "Yum. Delicious."
"Don't worry Jokester, you get used to it after a few meals. By then your taste buds have died off." Thanks for the input Johnny boy.
If I had wanted an opinion, I'd have asked for one. "Good to know Crotchton."
"Hardly original. Haven't heard that one since I was in second grade. Shouldn't you be out trying to foil Adam West or something?" Uuhhh, another Batman joke. Never get tired of those...
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Gotta admit, as corny as that dude was, still a better Batman than that what's-his-name..." Guy's name finally comes to me as I lightly snap my fingers. The last thing they needed to hear was breaking knuckles. "Affleck."
Nice. It looks like I just kicked his puppy or something, as his jaw drops. "Ben Affleck? As Batman? When did that happen? No wait, ya know what? Nevermind, you just killed one of my favorite movie franchises."
"You act like it's the end of the frelling universe Crichton." And cue Aeryn, Ice Queen and party pooper extraordinaire.
"Tell me Commander, is Joker always this...energetic when it comes to human entertainment?" Zhaan asked, and Kara just grinned. "I can tell our meals will be far more lively then if that is the case. It is good that Crichton has someone he can relate to out here."
"Only human onboard huh? How long? And please, just Shepard, or Kara. I get the impression we're gonna be here awhile." Thanks for that helpful reminder Shepard. But, she's right and I know it, what are the chances of another damn wormhole popping up near us? I big fat zero, that's what
"Only a few weeks, but even in that short time, he has managed to assist us greatly. All of us would most likely be dead or imprisoned once again if not for his actions." Wait, did she say they were prisoners? Oh boy.
But if the news surprised Shepard, it was impossible to tell as she merely nodded. "Besides the rude welcome, your friends don't strike me as the overly violent type. D'argo is even relatable, I have a friend much like him back home." Yeah, he's a real joy to be around too. "If you don't mind me asking, this is a prison ship isn't it? I noticed a some of the doors have bars. A cell tends to look the same wherever you go." Great, we're on a prison ship. That's just awesome.
"Indeed it does Kara, but some bars are harder to break than others. To be truthful, only D'argo, Rygel and myself, were what you could most likely call political prisoners. Aeryn and John's destinies intertwined with ours through no fault of their own. A Peacekeeper officer, Captain Crais, wishes to destroy John for the accidental death of his brother, and Aeryn has been classified as irreversibly contaminated by being in his presence. She cannot return to the life she had."
"Are you serious?" Even I found that ludicrous, to be labeled a threat just for interacting with an unknown species. "What happened to that need to explore every corner of the universe? Did it get lost in transition?"
"The Peacekeepers are more interested in maintaining order in the systems under their control than wasting time on exploration." Aeryn doesn't exactly sound proud of her glorious people. I don't blame her.
"How in the Hell did this universe get so wrong?" Good question Shep.
"Lady, you haven't seen the half of it." Thanks for the tip Crichton. I got that from your weird ass ship and buddies.
"What Crichton fails to mention is that the Peacekeepers will likely kill you on sight if you're seen with any of us. You at least look like you can defend yourself Commander, but your pilot is another matter. And don't frelling give me that same lie you told us earlier. I don't doubt Flight Lieutenant Moreau was injured, but not as you claim. Why have you, and Zhaan I might add, been treating him so delicately?"
"And why does it matter to you D'argo? Not everyone can be a warrior. That's what they make people like us for, so that the weak are protected from the strong and the vicious." Oh boy, the temp in the mess hall just dropped several degrees, and I think even tentacle head feels the chill. The way Shepard is glaring at him from across the table is enough to give me goosebumps. He seems to take the hint and let's it go, focusing on how terrible the food is instead. Too bad Aeryn isn't that bright apparently.
"As much as it pains me to agree with a Luxan, D'argo is right Commander. Why are you protecting him so fiercely, as if he were made of glass? Such weakness is easily exploited by your enemy. Far better to put him out of his misery now, if he truly is as defective as I suspect."
"Defective?! I'll show you defective!" I don't care if I burst every bone in my hand. I am decking this smug bitch right here, right now.
"Joker, shut up and sit down before you break a hip. And you." On the other hand, watching the epic cat fight that's about to take place will be satisfaction enough. "The only one that gets to insult my crew is me. If I ever hear you speaking about Jeff like that again, I'll break your goddamn back. Do I make myself clear Officer Sun."
"As entertaining as it would be for you to try, yes, I get you Commander. I get that you allow yourself to be held back by your weakling of a pilot. What military organization did you serve in again? Did they honestly allow cripples to serve alongside their number? Perhaps they conscripted children and aliens to fight for them as well?"
"Considering Peacekeepers are literally bred for war, that's not saying much about you Sebacean." D'argo's insult fell on deaf ears, I could tell just from the ice in Shepard's impassive face. Aeryn Sun was a dead woman. Hell, she decked that disingenuous reporter, al-Jaloni, for far less. Twice.
"Why did it suddenly get quiet as a cemetery in here? Okay, good start guys, I think we should just cool off for a little while now." Not now Crichton, now is not a good time.
"Step outside Officer Sun, I'd rather not make a mess here."
"Oh I'd rather." Oh fuck. Well, can't say she didn't give her an out on the public shaming.
"Kara, perhaps it is best to follow John's adv-" Zhaan, sorry to say but you should really stay out of this one. I make it a point to grab her arm and shake my head in warning.
All eyes are on Shepard and Aeryn as they meet at the other side of the mess, away from us. At least Shepard wasn't seeing red to the point she was blind about her surroundings. Now we just had to worry about bodies being thrown around. "Feel free to start, unless you can only throw verbal jabs at your opponents." Eating the food cubes suddenly didn't seem so bad since I got the impression that there'd be more to go around after this.
I gotta give Aeryn credit, she moved pretty quick, but I've seen Kara take down opponents far bigger than her, not to mention faster. Geth, krogan, salarians, asari, turians, batarians, even other humans; none of them had a chance against the N7 marine. A quick jab to Shepard's face was easily pushed aside, but Aeryn didn't seem to take the hint. "I will try and spare you any embarrassment by ending this quickly. It is the least I can do for a fellow warrior."
"You mean like this?" No matter how many times I'd seen her fight, I could never follow her movements. One moment, Ms. Commando is standing tall and in charge, and the next, all we see is a flash of red as Shepard flips the officer over and immediately falls to one knee, said knee planted heavily on the woman's throat. Aeryn can only futilely try to dislodge the one hundred and sixty pounds of marine and armor on top of her, but I know it's a foregone conclusion long before Aeryn's eyes start to roll back into her skull from oxygen deprivation. I'm starting to wonder how far Kara will take this, as she lets up on the woman's windpipe just before I'm tempted to yell at her to stop. She surprises everyone, hell even me, by pulling the still gasping woman to her feet. "Least I can do for a fellow warrior."
"Okay, I am officially impressed and freaked out at the same time." You and me both Crichton.
"Your tactics are ruthless and efficient. I have misjudged you, and I will show proper respect to you and your pilot. Perhaps you would care to instruct me in this fighting style?" Finally found your voice again eh Sun?
"Stop kissing my ass and just take a breath before you pass out." And there goes the emotional switch that still surprises me. A second ago she was ready to tear Aeryn apart, and now Kara's all buddy buddy again. What surprises me more is that Shepard puts a hand on the recovering Aeryn's shoulder. "Here's a free bit of advice. Control the fight, don't let it control you." And knowing Shepard, there was more than the obvious meaning behind her words. For a woman that used so few of them, she said quite a bit.
"Wise words human. Hmm, even I might benefit from watching you knock the Peacekeeper down again." I cringe for the poor bastard as Kara waves a hand at D'argo, gesturing for him to approach her. Don't say no Tentacles. It will only be worse, believe me.
"I think them was fightin' words big guy. Try not to take it personally when she kicks your ass." D'argo just glares at John before grinning at the almost bored looking fiery haired badass I know oh so well.
I just shake my head as he stomps on over, big stupid confident grin still on his face. "Ha! If she is anything like you Crighton, I have nothing to fear. By all means human, attack!" Did he not see how that went for Aeryn? Without a word, Kara's right hand starts to glow blue, and before the giant idiot knows what's happening, he's being thrown across the room like a stuffed luxan teddy bear. That only pisses him off as he slams his hands into the deck and starts getting to his feet again, but Shepard has since closed the distance between them in a blue blur of dark energy. His face just happens to be on level with her raised right boot when she comes out of her Charge, and once again, D'argo's down for the count, and this time, he's not getting back up anytime soon.
"Yep, I am officially creeped out by Glowy." Shepard just turns and smiles at Crichton, definitely not the good kind of smile. "Ah...Commander, before you ask, I really don't need a demo. I totally believe in the fact you will kick my ass around the block. And into the next neighborhood."
"Still can't hurt for you to learn a few moves Crichton." Shepard, oh so generous Shepard, that was a bad move. Aeryn's back to giving you dirty looks, but at least it's behind your back now. Guess she's smarter than she looks after all.
"Nope, I like being in one piece and defenseless Shepard. Thanks for kindly offerin' to kick my ass though."
"If we manage to find a way back soon, there probably wouldn't be time to do a lot anyway." Yeah, considering we have no idea on how we got here, that'll be a miracle and a half.
"That might be tricky Shep, but best of luck to ya." And with that, Crichton got up from the table, no doubt to check on his crappy space ship.
"Crichton, Aeryn, please carry D'argo to the infirmary. It would be wise for me to assess all of your injuries Commander, Flight Lieutenant. Let's get you both feeling better shall we?" Maybe it's the hand on Shepard's arm, or the fact that Zhaan has been nothing but nice to us since we came on board, but for once, Kara doesn't offer any resistance when the blue alien gently pulls her to her feet. Helping me up, I shrug, keeping my amazement at Kara's willingness to go to medical without threat of having her command removed. I can't count the number of times Chakwas had to do that, just to get Shepard to check in with the CMO on a regular basis. Either she's more hurt than she's willing to admit, or we're more screwed than she's letting on.
"Come on big guy, are all luxans so damn heavy?" Crichton looks only slightly less pissed than Sun at having to stumble around carrying Dopey between them. Can't say I blame them, guy must weigh a ton. I'm not complaining as my glamorous escorts keep me from falling on my brittle ass as we make our way towards a tech filled room. The odd examining area and plenty of sharp things are not filling me with confidence, but our blue guide seems to know her way around just like our old CMO.
"Yikes. Looks like a creepier version of the med bay." Thinking about what was practically my second home on the Normandy, it's hard not to think about Karin Chakwas. And before I know it, the floodgates open and I'm running over what could have happened to the rest of our friends again and again in my head. Damn, I hope she and everyone else is okay.
Takes all of three seconds for Kara to notice the frown on my face. "They'll be fine Jeff. That cruiser looked to be clearing out after destroying the Normandy." Damn Shep, there you go again, surprising me. I shouldn't be, not after everything we've been through together, but it's still nice to know Shepard isn't like any officer I've come across. She's Shepard, nothing more to say.
"Someone destroyed your ship Commander? That explains why you arrived here in an escape transport." Looks like Aeryn smells blood in the water as she peers closer at us after helping Crichton get D'argo tucked in. If you're going where I think you're going babe, I wouldn't. That asskicking you received earlier will be nothing compared to what will follow if you piss her off. "I assume it was a superior enemy force, as you do not strike me as incompetent." From what we know of Sun so far, that was almost a compliment.
Johnny boy looks ready to drag her out if he has to. Good idea, wrecking the medical crap isn't a great idea. "Aeryn, isn't getting your ass beat once today enough?"
"Aeryn, John, please give my patients and I some privacy would you? Your curiousity can surely wait until I have finished." Zhaan, I would kiss you for saving us all a blood bath, but I'd probably break something.
Gotta say, it's a bit surprising when Warrior Princess doesn't rip Crichton's arm off for gabbing her. "Yeah, no problem. Come on, you can feel free to come up with new and exciting insults about me and my 'primitive space junk' in the hangar."
Good riddance Sweetness. Have fun Crichton, I can already tell she's a real party animal. "What's her problem? I've met vorcha that were easier to get along with."
"Aeryn was just another loyal Peacekeeper fighter pilot until very recently. I believe she is still in a combination of shock and denial concerning her current situation."
"How many pilots are on this ship again?" Shepard rolls her eyes at my question, but she smiles at me anyway.
"What he means is, it's understandable she would be. From what I could tell, it's all she's ever known."
"You are far more perceptive than you appear Commander Shepard. However, you don't know just how accurate your assessment is of her. Peacekeepers are truly bred and born to war in most cases, but some are conscripted into service. Either way, they are taken young so that they are less inclined to disobey after rigorous mental and physical training."
"You mean brainwashing. Don't you? Sounds like state sanctioned child soldiers to me." Uh oh, there's that 'look' again, but at least it's not directed at any one person, for the moment.
"I'm sure you will be able to study her species in time, Commander. I'm far more interested in the true reason you both just happened to be conveniently deposited in close proximity to Moya."
"You're far too cunning for your own good Zotoh Zhaan. You didn't have to drug our food to find the truth." Subtle Shep, you could have told me at least. At Zhaan's shocked look, Shepard answers her unspoken question by displaying the sensor readouts of the food she had been given. Which she hadn't touched and I- ah crap. "Go ahead, ask Joker whatever you want. He's not exactly a good liar to begin with."
"Hey! I'm at least braver than I look, since I stole the Normandy when she was still in need of a damn good pilot!" Ah hell, I really have been drugged. Even Shepard didn't know about that. "Uh….damn, now I feel almost as embarrassed as when that asari stripper was nice enough to pop my cherry." Make it stop! What the hell?! "Shepard, just shoot me now."
"Oh no, I'm enjoying this way too much Joker. Knock yourself out Zhaan." If I was able to get away with it, I'd so smack that smirk right off your face Kara! "Oh, one thing first, what was her name?"
My cruel boss is enjoying this way too much. "Velena. Only time I never broke a bone doing it. She was gentle, and toned, and she did this thing with her finger-"
"I believe I may have used a slightly higher dose than necessary. Please do not worry, I will keep my questions simple and to the matter at hand."
"Oh joy, this is like being in the principal's office all over again. It's not my fault her damn skirt were so short. And those boobs-"
"I will stop you from humiliating yourself further by asking you to refrain from speaking unless answering a direct question."
"Remind me to keep an eye on you Zhaan. What did you give him exactly?" Oh yes, let's ask the chemist what she used to make this super version of a truth serum! "Hey Joker, how many times do you stare at my ass on a daily basis?" This is not happening. The hot blue alien who drugged me is apparently more concerned for my ego than Shepard is as she gives Kara an annoyed stare. "What? I had a side bet with a few other female crew members. I may have cheated by talking with him all the time."
"Any time you walked away." SHIT! At least she's honest about cheating though.
"If I might interrupt this rather amusing dialogue between you and Mr. Moreau, Commander." Oh thank God! I never thought I'd be happier to be interrogated. "Was your vessel indeed destroyed, and how were you able to survive?"
"Yes, something intercepted us, roughly cruiser sized. It saw us despite our stealth systems being engaged. The moment they were within range, they attacked without provocation, far as we know anyway. Shepard had to rescue my stupid ass from the cockpit, I couldn't just let my baby get torn to shreds. We managed to get in the pod, after I pulled a bad ass move and returned the favor for Kara. My arm really hurts. And I think I broke my ass during the slingshot maneuver we used, which somehow created the wormhole that got us here." I feel my eyes going to Shepard and I want to scream at myself to stop. "Thought that was it, that I got us both killed over my dumb ass pride. I'm so sorry Kara, this is all my fault. You deserve better than this."
Damn, seeing her look at me with pity in those gorgeous eyes is almost worse than any time I managed to piss her off. "Hey, it's ok Jeff. We're alive, that is all that matters."
Zhaan looks as uncomfortable as I feel right now. Good, serves her right. "Slingshot?"
"He means he used the planet's gravity well to accelerate us to orbital velocity so we wouldn't burn up in the atmosphere. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that cruiser was still chasing us, and only us. Whoever they were, they wanted my head on a platter. If they were working with the Reapers, I can understand why that might have been the case. Long story."
"Even so, you know that I have to ask, but what are these Reapers?" I can tell Zhaan already knows she won't like the answer.
"Terrible, horrible, things nightmares are made of. Big bad sentient machines who like to kill anything organic. Sovereign had a giant ego, wonder if it screamed when I killed it. You're lucky if you've never heard of them. I'm cold, it's because I'm shivering and freaked out right now. There are more coming, as far I know. Many, many more. At least that's what Sovereign told Shepard." While I hadn't been there in person, the recordings from Shepard's helmet cam had been more than disturbing.
"Thank you, that is more than sufficient. I won't ask you anything more until the medicinals have worn off. Please do not be angry, I was merely ensuring the safety of my fellow travelers. Even if you both had been as ill intended as I feared, I would have simply confined you and left you on the nearest settled world."
"If our situations had been reversed, I'd probably have done the same thing Zhaan. I appreciate that you at least would have tried to show us mercy, but I'm not so sure your allies would have done the same." That doesn't surprise me, on either account. Even I know fear makes people do stupid things sometimes.
"I am forced to agree with you on this. Come Jeff, let me see to your arm first. Are you still in great pain?"
I try to look at Zhaan, but my eyes are locked on Shepard's concerned face. "You were worth it. I could never have forgiven myself if anything happened to you, I couldn't go on without you Kara." Ah shit….hopefully she'll blame my delirium on the drugs and the pain. I mean, of course she will, I'm just the wiseass cripple pilot. At least she doesn't look like she's pissed.
"I appreciate the sentiment Jeff. Not sure what to think about it at the moment, but I appreciate it, more than you know." It wasn't a complete rejection at least. Watching her walk away was still a kick to the nuts, but it was at least padded.
"I apologize for the embarrassment you are no doubt consumed with at this moment. You care a great deal for her Jeff. I don't have to be a priestess to know that. Give her time to adjust, to come to terms with what has happened, and she will come around. Know that I see a telling glimmer in her eyes when she looks at you, far more than that of a concerned superior officer."
Can't argue with that look on your face darlin'. "Um...thanks. I guess. How long before this stuff stops making me horribly honest?"
Having since put the scanning device she had been waving around back down, Zhaan offers a quick smile before answering my question. "About half an arn Jeff, err, an hour I believe is the term you'd use. As for your arm, I've done a scan, and it seems your entire skeletal system is compromised. Is this why you need those crutches to get about?"
"Yeah, it's called Vrolik Syndrome. It's genetic, mostly affects the bones in my legs, but it weakens the rest. Please don't make me dance, unless you like the sound of snapping shin bones. I tell everybody I'm used to having my bones break, but it never hurts any less." My arm is just the most recent example of that, thank you crappy escape pod.
"I wouldn't dream of doing so Jeff." Zhaan chuckles lightly before going to her drug lab she has set up on the other side of the infirmary. "I have what I need to heal your current skeletal injuries, but I'd advise moving as little as possible until the bones reset themselves after I've given you the injection."
"Whatever you say doc. I really like your blue ass by the way." I drop in my head into my hands at this point. "Damn, can't you get this stuff out of my system faster?" Wait, why is she smiling at me instead of slapping me?
Again that amused chuckle, and I'm relieved she isn't offended by my rather loose tongue. "I am not offended Jeff, since my species is considered quite attractive to other sentient races. Besides, I am not ashamed of my form, and I am not afraid to show it to those I deem worthy." I'm kinda hoping I fall into the worthyish category.
A sudden loud cough gets my attention in a heartbeat. Just perfect, of course Shepard had to walk back over now. "Just to ask, but how many times does that opportunity come up?" Wait what? Is she smirking?
"More times than you could count Commander. Back on my home planet, I was a bit of an anarchist. The lead anarchist." That's it, I have officially lost any possible chance in a million damn years of getting closer to Shepard. The worst part is, I honestly can't even blame Zhaan. I mean...she's just so blue.
"Trouble was your middle name eh? Then I have nothing to worry about." Huh? Oh right, we made it a habit of recruiting all kinds of crazy. A giant krogan mercenary who had lost hope for all of his people, a couple of kickass soldiers, a quarian kid with a fetish for hacking complicated systems, a turian ex cop with a huge stick lodged up his ass, and let's not forget the archeologist that watched her own mother be turned into a tungsten filled corpse.
"Indeed. Now, as Jeff is still under the influence, so to speak, would you give me permission to deal with his injuries? They are rather severe, and unnervingly frequent if my scans are correct." Wow, took all these neat little toys for her to figure that out?
"You don't have to ask me Zhaan. Do what you have to do."
"Well let's not go nuts here Commander...just slap some more medi-gel on me and I'll be fine." Stop. Don't say another another- "I really won't be, I'm hurting pretty bad. I'm also terrified of what freaky stuff she'll pull out next." Dammit!
"Jeff, relax. I'm not going anywhere. Besides, we're almost out of medi-gel and I'd rather save it for an emergency. Zhaan, go ahead."
"Excellent, you won't regret it. Give it a few solar days and my treatment will have him good as new." It's only when she holds up some kind of weird ass purple and green slug that I and Kara start giving her strange looks.
"You're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do? Right? Get that thing away from me. Okay, I just peed myself a little." Shepard's permanently burning that one into her brain, I just know it.
"There is nothing to fear Jeff. The Kimorian slug secretes healing enzymes, designed for situations just like this. I must admit, your unique illness is rather severe, but I am certain my little friend here is up to the task." Yeah, wonder how well he'll work if I smash him under my boot.
"I do find it a bit weird that you practice medieval style medicine, but I at least trust you Zhaan. So where does it have to go? Is it external...or internal?"
Thanks Shepard, throw me under the bus. The slimy, writhing, disgusting bus. "Just keep that thing away from me and we'll be good. I know how to defend myself! I swear I will scream like a little girl!" Aside from making Kara shake her head and laugh I'm not making much of a dent here.
"Unfortunately, it has to burrow its way into the base of his neck, but once there, it will remain for several solar days. Even after it dies, its body will decompose and be absorbed as more enzyme and nutrients to speed up the healing process for a whole cycle. Because of this, they are somewhat hard to come by. Thankfully, they breed quite prolifically." I stopped listening to that at 'burrow'.
No, nope, not happening. I wonder how far I can- Zhaan seems to sense my intent and places my crutches across the room with an unnervingly kind smile. "Shepard...Shepard why aren't you shooting her in the leg or something? Um...feel free to go N7 on her blue ass any time now. I know what you're doing, waiting to the last second to make me sweat, right? Right?"
Zhaan whispers something to Kara with a slight grin as her eyes widen slightly. Ah crap. "Sorry Joker, but it's for your own good. As strange as this is, I'd rather have you up on your feet than laid out on your ass." And with that, Shepard moves, her hand holding an injector she hid from me which she immediately jabs into the side of my neck. Before I know it, my vision goes blurry and my head starts to fall back, but someone catches me before I can hurt myself further. The last thing I see is a pair of emerald eyes staring down at me, as I feel a hand gently brushing through my hair. Gotta admit, my traitorous sexy boss and best friend does manage to calm me down a little before everything goes black.
End Notes: Archer83: Well there you have it! I can't say how great it feels to finally get this story up and running. What can I say, it's nice to have a fellow writer who gives me the guts to finally get this one out there. Send in those reviews so I know if you'd like to see more of this story : )
Vergil1989: Don't worry about it dude, you're worth it, even when you're a jerk lol. Now where are my delvian strippers?! You promised to give me delvian strippers for Christmas when this chapter was done, and you haven't paid up! Lol in all seriousness, feedback is always welcome guys and gals. Adios and have a merry Christmas!
Archer83: Vergil, I am a man of my word, I will get you as many delvian strippers as you want. Male delvian strippers that is. : P
Vergil1989; On the other hand, better make it asari. Less chance of being mind raped and possibly killed that way lol.