I noticed what day it was last night and decided to quickly write something up in celebration of the future birth of a fictional character. It's a little bit more disjointed than I was hoping, but hey, I mostly wrote this in a night on two separate laptops no less (I might have tried to unplug my newer laptop and accidentally broke the cord) and had to take a break out of writing for Camp NaNoWriMo to do it, so I'm amazed I even wrote this much let alone a complete story.

On another note, I actually wrote more for this in a night than I wrote for my novel in the first week or so of the NaNo event...whoops.

It was a mostly calm and uneventful morning for most of the crew. Shepard was off the ship exploring a distress call on an uninhabited planet with Thane and Jacob, leaving the rest of the crew to fend for themselves until they got back.

Kasumi was doing her usual routine of sneaking about the ship while invisible. She observed as Mordin carried a violently struggling box containing who knows what to his lab. She saw Grunt take a bite out of a plant on Miranda's desk and then quietly walk away while she stared at him incredulously. She even snuck into Shepard's room and watched Tali for a while as she made his bed for him and used his private terminal to check in with the fleet and watch cat videos on the extranet. As usual she remained undetected, no one ever knowing she was there except for maybe EDI, and Samara seemed a bit suspicious for a moment too.

Her last stop was to spy on Garrus. Well, spying might not have been the word for it. She was pretty sure his sensitive turian hearing and strong sense of smell allowed him to detect whenever she was in the room, unless he was distracted or with too many people to tell. Sure enough he turned around before the door even had a chance to open.

"Hello, Kasumi," he said in a deadpan manner.

"Well, so much for stealth," she sighed as she flickered into visibility. "Still calibrating?"

"No actually, I was just looking over my schedule for the week and I realized that Shepard's birthday is tomorrow." He turned back around and looked over his omnitool with interest.

"It's his birthday tomorrow? Why didn't he say anything?" she asked.

"I don't know. I guess he never really makes a big deal out of his birthdays," Garrus shrugged. "When I was on the SR-1, he actually lost count of his birthdays and forgot how old he was once. He had to check his Alliance ID before he could even remember."

"What do you plan on doing for him?"

Garrus silently stared at his omnitool display. "Uh...give him a cupcake?" he said noncommittally. When he noticed the look on her face he added, "What? He doesn't seem to care much about his birthday anyway."

"You're his best friend! You should do more than just give him a cupcake!" she replied. "Do you know if the rest of the crew is doing anything?"

"Uh..." Garrus blanked out.

"That's it. I'm calling an emergency meeting. Let's try to plan this out before Shepard gets back." Kasumi spun around and started to walk out of the room. "EDI, tell everyone to meet me in the starboard lounge ASAP." She looked over her shoulder. "That goes for you too, Vakarian."

"Since when did I start taking orders from you?" Garrus grumbled before following her out.

To Kasumi's relief, everyone had gathered quickly. She was hoping they could get this done before Shepard got back from his investigation. Thane and Jacob would have to be filled in when they got back, she guessed.

"Wait, it's Shepard's birthday?" Zaeed stated.

"I didn't know he had a birthday," Grunt added.

"Everyone has a birthday, Grunt," Miranda pointed out.

"I don't, unless you count the day Tank Mom spit me out..."

"You're calling your tank 'Mom' now?" Jack asked dryly.

Kasumi noticed them starting to get off track very quickly and quickly got their attention back. "Guys, he could return at any minute and we still don't know what to do!" she pointed out.

"Why not just give him a cupcake?" Jack offered.

"Give him a credit chit and tell him to buy his own damn present," Zaeed suggested.

She sighed when she realized this conversation was going nowhere and decided to try another tactic. "You know what? Shepard's been selflessly helping us all from day one, but when have we ever done anything for him?" she asked.

"I made him Pop-Tarts this morning," Tali pointed out.

"I helped him eat those Pop-Tarts this morning," Grunt added.

"No, I mean bigger things than that," Kasumi shook her head. "He went out of his way to help me recover my partner's graybox, but what exactly have I done for him in return?"

"You helped him with the Collectors," Garrus pointed out.

"Besides that!"

"So what are you getting at, Kasumi?" Zaeed asked.

"What do you mean, what am I getting at? Who took time out of his busy schedule to help you settle a petty grudge?"

"He let Vido get away!" Zaeed replied. After a brief pause he seemed to get her point and added, "But I guess Shepard did still try to help when he didn't really have to..."

"And Miranda, who was it that helped you save your sister?" Kasumi asked.

"Shepard," Miranda replied. "And he was quite happy to do it too."

"And Legion, anyone else would have deactivated you on sight, but who was it that decided to take a chance on you and befriend you?"

"Shepard Commander," Legion replied.

"And Garrus?" The turian's mandibles flicked at the mention of his name. "Who saved your life when you were shot in the face with a rocket?"

"Dr. Chakwas," Garrus replied.

"Okay, that's true, but he did hold your hand and refuse to let go until we got you to the medical bay and she made us leave," Kasumi shrugged. "My point is, he's done so much for us and yet we haven't really done anything to show our appreciation for him in return. So I think we should do something really nice for his birthday. Something that isn't just giving him a cupcake and a credit chit."

Tali looked contemplative for a while. As Shepard's girlfriend, Kasumi had hoped she at least had a better plan than everyone else. Like Garrus she'd been already aware that tomorrow was his birthday.

"The commander is returning to the Normandy," EDI warned.

Kasumi looked a little worried and wished Tali would speak up. "I think I have a plan," Tali finally said.

"Let's hear it," Kasumi replied.

"First, do you think you can keep Shepard busy for a while?" Tali asked. "We don't want him walking in and ruining the surprise."

"Depends on what you had in mind..."

This wasn't how Shepard had planned to spend his birthday, but Zaeed and Kasumi had insisted he go out with them. He didn't want to say anything to them about it, but the celebration was a little lackluster. There was nothing really special about the Dark Star Lounge other than the bartender knew him as the guy who drank ryncol and didn't vomit his liquefied organs onto the floor afterwards, so there was really nothing here for him to do that he couldn't do any other day of the year. He wished at least Garrus and Tali could be here, but Tali had been nowhere to be found and Garrus didn't even seem to realize it was even his birthday at all when he spoke to him, despite the numerous hints he'd dropped during their conversation. Stupid dense turian...

He supposed it was his own fault. He was always so busy that he forgot his own birthday often. That's how it had always been. Even when he was a kid, his mother had been the only one to really keep track of it, and even his father perpetually thought he was three years younger than he really was. He'd only really remembered it this time around because he had EDI to keep track of the days for him now and she always reminded him whenever his or someone else's birthday was approaching. Still, it would have been nice to have one birthday spent with friends.

Kasumi seemed to have disappeared shortly after they arrived at the lounge. He looked around for her, unsure if she was invisible or if she'd just gotten lost in the crowd somewhere. The place wasn't that big and she stood out a lot more than she thought, so he assumed she must have been invisible. Zaeed was arguing with a turian in the corner who apparently owed him money. It certainly was fun, spending your birthday sitting by yourself at the bar while your companions went off and did something else.

"Hey, you're the ryncol guy. You don't look too happy today," the turian bartender said. He stood on the other side of the bar washing a glass and occasionally eying a salarian sitting by himself who was acting a little shady.

"It's my birthday, but only two people remembered and they brought me here and then wandered off," Shepard sighed in response.

"Uh oh. That sucks," the bartender replied. "I had to work through my birthday already. No one remembered but my boss, and he gave me a levo cupcake I couldn't even eat." Their conversation was cut short when an asari and a turian woman sat down on the other side of Shepard at the counter. "Just one moment please," he said to Shepard. "Can I get you ladies anything?"

While they ordered their drinks, Shepard watched a fist fight break out between Zaeed and the turian, which was quickly broken up by a krogan bouncer before it escalated into something worse. Miraculously neither of them got thrown out, but they did both split up, likely after being threatened with that option.

"Here," the bartender returned. He placed a glass of something glowing blue in front of him which Shepard recognized as an expensive asari liquor. It was known for being fairly strong, but not 'corrode your esophagus like paint thinner' strong like ryncol was. "It's on the house. Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Shepard replied.

"It's your birthday?" the female turian beside him said. "And you're spending it here alone?"

Shepard shrugged. "I'm used to it by now," he replied. "I'm actually here with someone, but they seem to have vanished." Quite literally, in Kasumi's case. Of course no sooner did he say that then Zaeed sat down on the other side of him and started mumbling to himself. "Oh, you're back now? Thought you forgot about me."

"Goddamn turian still owes me credits..." Zaeed mumbled. He noticed the asari sitting two seats over and added, "Oh, hello!"

"Is this your father?" the asari asked Shepard after deducing that they knew each other.

Shepard had to stifle a laugh. Clearly that wasn't the response Zaeed was hoping for and he seemed a little less amused. "Oh yeah, totally," he replied. The sarcasm dripping in his words seemed to go over her head.

Zaeed suddenly smiled at Shepard. Shepard swore everytime he did that an entire litter of puppies died somewhere. "You're my favorite son. Have I ever told you that, favorite son?" Shepard hadn't a chance to get away before Zaeed grabbed him into a chokehold masquerading as an affectionate hug. He started roughly patting Shepard's head while the commander attempted in vain to escape his grasp. "Stop fighting and give Daddy a hug..."

Shepard stood up from the bar stool and tried to twist his body around to get away from him, but Zaeed held on pretty firmly. "Mom asked me to take him out for one last ooh rah before we have him euthanized..." he grumbled in defeat. The look of horror on the asari and turian woman's faces were almost worth Zaeed's attempts to embarrass him.

That was when Kasumi popped right out of nowhere beside them both. She stared silently at Zaeed holding Shepard in a death grip and glanced at the two spectators. "Do I really want to know?" she asked them.

"I'm not entirely sure what's happening either and we've been sitting here this entire time," the asari replied.

When she turned her attention back to them, Shepard had finally managed to yank himself out of Zaeed's grasp. "Zaeed, can I speak with you a moment?" she asked. She eyed Shepard and added, "In private?"

Zaeed seemed to catch on fairly quickly. "Right. I'll be back in a moment, Shepard," he replied. He patted Shepard on the shoulder on the way past. Once they were safely away out of earshot, he turned to Kasumi and asked, "So what's the plan?"

"I just got off the line with Tali. They're almost done. We just have to stall him for another thirty minutes or so," she explained.

Zaeed glanced over his shoulder. Shepard looked bored and was looking around the room as though trying to find something more interesting to do. "You think we can hold him here for that long?"

"Well we have to," she replied. "What else is there to do? We've already exhausted the Presidium Park and took him to every bar and lounge on this end of the Citadel!"

"We could take him to a strip club," Zaeed suggested.

Kasumi stared at him blankly and shook her head. "Um...I don't think Tali would appreciate that, Zaeed."

"Why, is she prudish?" he asked.

Clearly Zaeed wasn't as familiar with Tali's extranet searches as Kasumi was. "Let's just try to keep him here for as long as we can, shall we?" she suggested. "Come on. I think he's getting annoyed with us for walking away again."

Shepard had chugged the rest of his drink by the time they got back and had ordered another. They seriously hoped he wasn't piss drunk by the time they got him back to the Normandy.

I was going to post this all as one part, but I'm still in the process of editing it, so I figured I'd just split it up and post it in chapters as I complete editing in each section. Admittedly I'm rushing it a little so I can at least get it posted while it's still April 11th on my corner of the world, so if you see any mistakes or anything that doesn't flow very well or whatever, just let me know and I'll see if I have time to fix it.

Also I asked my sister for a title and she told me there really was no other way to describe what I wrote than "Hamsters and Shenanigans".