Memories Breathe Inside Me
Jean was angry, a directionless, all-encompassing burning frustration that made him want to punch a wall; kick over furniture, scream into the night, anything to free him of all the pressure choking up in his chest. It was a shitty situation and there was nothing he could do to escape it. All his life he'd wanted people to turn their eyes to him with admiration and awe, but now it was happening it felt empty, hollow. He didn't deserve their silent praise, none of them did. Those bright, hopeful eyes saw only that they had re-taken wall Maria, that their mission had been a success. They weren't yet aware of the awful truth revealed ibn that damned basement, the near enough two hundred corpses they left behind on the battlefield to stink and rot. Those innocent eyes hadn't seen friends turn on the chain of command, Mikasa holding a blade to the exhausted Captain's throat. There was no honour in desperation, and that he had returned still breathing and in one piece felt more like dumb luck than skill. He could have too easily been one of the sacrificed and forgotten. They'd lost so many, the might of the Scout Regiment reduced to a handful of soldiers and within that a negligible number of Veterans. It didn't feel like victory should, it was bitter, toneless and tasted like ash on his tongue. Just how much would they continue to lose until they were free?
It didn't help him that the graduates of the 104th training regiment seemed reluctant to part ways, those uninjured clinging to each other's presence wordlessly. Maybe it felt like safety, comfort? To him it was just smothering. He'd had enough of quiet, needed to see the life of the city. The silence reminded him too much of the ride back to the Capital, one with only a few muttered directions when usually there would be the relieved chatter of Soldiers, smiling faces at an objective achieved.
Armin had been the worst, still was, staring off dazed and glassy eyed as though he believed himself dead and this reality a mere broken fantasy. Jean could understand that, it still felt like a bad dream, a terror that sat on his chest and would leave as soon as he opened his eyes and found reality. What sense did it make to leave the Commander to die and save Armin? Sure Armin was a genius and brilliant in his own way, but he was a kid, naïve and untested. Commander Erwin Smith has been the most successful leader in the bloody history of the Survey Corps, driving them ever forward to heights they'd never even imagined, that wouldn't have been possible without that man to guide them, lead them. And they'd just thrown all of that out to waste.
No, not all of them. Captain Levi had made that choice, had held Armin's arm in his hand and given him the injection. That hadn't been a mistake, it had been a deliberate decision and that made Jean wary of doubting it. The Captain had never steered them wrong before, had acted out the Commanders plans with resolution and efficiency. Could he believe that it was actually part of some higher plan? Or had it been the mistake of a man who has been pushed to the very limits of his body and mind? Even Squad Leader Hange has been shooting him concerned looks as they'd travelled home. Only Levi himself had seemed unaffected, silent and stoic as ever, stance straight and alert as though he hadn't taken down the Beast Titan singlehandedly as well as his army. It didn't make any sense and he wanted to scream at them all. It was like Marco all over again; no explanation just a dead body lying there and the memories he held tight. All his training, those years of getting chewed out by Shadis and run into complete exhaustion could never come close to preparing him for this painful adult world.
Eren disturbed his thoughts as they walked through the empty hall, voice echoing noisily against the cold stone as he threw his arm around Armin, startling the smaller blonde boy.
'Look Amin, you need to cut yourself some slack. You're alive and we're all still together. We survived.'
Jean's jaw clenched against Eren's relieved brightness, although it was too big, his voice reed thin that was a sure tell of hidden nerves. It made sense that he'd be relieved that his friend was alive; Armin, Eren and Mikasa were practically family, hell, even Jean was fond of the guy. That didn't take away that they should be able to see past their on affections to the bigger picture that needed the Commander more. They effectively bullied and threatened their way into saving their friend at the detriment to the needs of humanity as a whole. He wanted to punch Eren for being so damn short sighted. Then again, he was tired, stressed and the bastard's voice had always put him on edge, even when they were nothing but recruits without a titan kill to their names. It wasn't the time to get into it with him, a fistfight would solve nothing. He opted for holding his tongue.
'I just…' Armin started, staring at the ground before sighing softly, 'I just can't help but think that tactically it would have made better sense to save the Commander over me. It…just doesn't feel right.'
Eren's smile pulled tight, Mikasa physically looking away from the conversation. Guilt?
'You can't think like that Armin, the Captain knew what he was doing. It had to be part of some plan.'
Jean felt his mouth move despite himself, the will to keep the peace just this once breaking. His anger bubbled up and over, Eren's voice tipping him over the edge, frazzled nerves finally snapping. 'If it was then why the hell did he say that he was going to save the Commander? Mikasa pulled her fucking sword on him, on Captain Levi! He'd made his decision and you two guilted him into changing it,' he looked down at his hands, found them shaking so balled them into fists. 'I've never seen him like that, we he got close I barely recognised him he was so covered in Titan blood. Captain Levi had run out of blade and gas. I can't even image what he must have faced on the other side of that wall, and he did it all single handed. You interfered with his decision, you put friendship over the fate of humanity. Don't put it all on him to ease your conscience.'
Eren's lip curled back, eyes filling with the same primal rage as when he was in Titan form. Jean braced himself for a fight, ready to meet him head on as he so often had. Before it could escalate Mikasa pulled all four of them back into the shadows, shoving Jean flat against the wall. A door slammed open, satisfying his confusion as Captain Levi strode through the hall, newly appointed Commander Hange following him just as swiftly.
'You're not walking away from this Levi,' Hange yelled at him, following close, cheeks flushed, head still heavily swathed in bandages from their injury. 'You owe me a damned good explanation as to why you let Erwin die.'
'I don't owe you shit four eyes,' Captain Levi shot back without turning, still moving forwards, away.
'Three eyes thanks to this bullshit,' Hange retorted hotly, reaching out, grabbing rough hold of the short man's arm, yanking him to a standstill, 'don't make me pull rank on you Captain.'
The Captain turned at this, facing the eccentric former squad leader with narrowed eyes. Throwing off Hange's grip he hissed out a response. 'You can shove your rank up your ass.' He looked feral, cornered and dangerous. It shocked Jean, despite all his irritability the Captain respected the chain of command, fell in line with his orders; or had that died along with the Commander?
'Fine!' Hange snapped, throwing their arms out, gesturing wildly, 'fine, forget all of this, our ranks, the Scouts, the Military. But don't forget how long I've known you. As your one remaining friend please explain this to me Levi. I need to know that you've not lost your mind.'
The Captain's posture dropped at the assertion, whole body shifting into something that ached of exhaustion and for the first time ever Jean was struck by just how small the man really was. It shocked him. Captain Levi was humanity's strongest soldier, he was super-human on the battlefield with a skill and speed that defied belief. He was above them, he was beyond them. Here, in plain clothes and hunched in defeat he looked fragile, vulnerable and so painfully, undoubtedly human.
'It wasn't…' Levi hesitated, a twitch of emotion across his brown before he ran a tongue over his lower teeth inside his mouth, as though searching for the words. When he found them he looked up at Hange, steel blue unwavering in their intent. 'It wasn't me that was losing their mind. He hid it well and his orders were still sound, but the cracks were beginning to show. All those years, all of that stress, ordering scores upon scores of Soldiers to their deaths, hearing their families weeping for their lost, declaring him a heartless demon... There was no rest from that, he had to keep making the battle plans that he knew would sacrifice further lives to push humanity forward. It would take it's toll on anyone, look at what happened to that idiot Shadis for fucks sake. All that kept him going, drove him, focused him, was that fucking basement. He was intoxicated by it, the truth he was convinced we'd find there.'
'And he would have seen it,' Hange said softly, changing tact, losing all of their usual crazy energy. They stepped forward, taking hold of both of the Captain's hands with the most sincerity jean had ever seen. Even from here he could see that both sets of hands were trembling.
They shouldn't be listening to this, it was private, the personal opinions of their officers. But he couldn't bring himself to move. After all that they had been through, all he'd been through, didn't he finally deserve some answers? Had they been working under the orders of a madman? Could this whole damn thing have been avoided?
Hange continued, voice barely a whisper, 'he could have known that it was all worth it Levi, that his father was right.'
'He could,' Levi ground out bitterly, 'but what then? He would have lost his driving force, his brilliance. One way or another there would be another set of bastards in the Capital that would have dragged him from grace and forgotten that this new world, this new hope was all because of him. It's his legacy and he sacrificed everything, everthing, even his humanity to achieve it. What more could we have asked from him? What more of his strength would we have taken by force?' The words were dull, lifeless to an untrained ear; but to those used to the Captain's mannerisms they sounded bitten through with pain, ragged about the edges as though they were clawing their way out of his throat against his will.
'So you let him die out of mercy? Levi that's ridiculous. We need him!'
'Don't you think I fucking need him?' Levi roared, making all of them jump as he snatched his hands out of Hange's. He was trembling head to toe now, usually impassive face stretched and crumped in an uncontained agony. 'I let him die because I fucking loved him. I made the decision and ripped my own damn heart out when his stopped beating. I've lost everyone I've ever loved, anyone that could ever bring themselves to love me.' He took a shuddery breath, attempting to compose himself, 'I couldn't let them turn him into a fucking monster, wouldn't watch him lose himself. He deserved to die at peace. He deserved to die a hero.'
Jean was stunned, eyes widening. Had he heard right? Hange relented immediately, all the fight lost from their body. Their eye was soft, sympathic pain echoed within their features.
'So you and he were still…'
'Yeah we were,' Levi answered hoarsely, looking down to the floor, volume lost and jean strained to hear. 'And all those years were more than either of us expected given the life expectancy of a Soldier in the Survey Corps. Fuck Hange, it doesn't feel real. I keep expecting to hear his voice, for him to come striding around the corner like the confident cocky shit he always was.' Levi ran a trembling hand through his hair, the usually stoic Captain fidgeting like he never had before, 'I wont get to wake up to his stupid bed hair or ridiculous morning breath, wont get to see those wrinkles he hated around his eyes when he smiles, feel his fingers on my skin, press my head to his chest and just listen to his heartbeat. It fucking hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.' Another hand through his hair, gripping, tugging before he turned sore eyes to Hange, confessed. 'I knew he was going to die. After that meeting with Zackly I cornered him. He knew it too. I threatened to break his legs to stop him from dragging his walking wounded ass back to the front lines, but he…fuck, how could I stop him? At the time I respected his wishes, his orders. But when it came down to it, when that fucking Beast pinned our troops with those missiles… I told him to retreat with the rest of the men, that I'd make a frontal assault alone on the Beast Titan to buy them enough time to run. I was ready to die for him, for them. He saw it the other way, figured a way for victory like he always did. But sitting there… he finally ran out of strength, and left it to me.' There was no mistaking the wet gleam to Levi's eyes, and Jean felt so wrong for invading this moment. 'I gave the order, told him to give up his life and die for our Comrades. I made that call for him, I… don't you think that after all we've sacrificed Hange, all he did for humanity, all those years of his life he could have just walked away with me, don't you think we earned the right to be selfish just this fucking once?'
'Oh Levi,' Hange breathe as her friend's defences broke, stepping forward and gathering the man into their arms where he shattered. It was a harsh, wordless sobbed out anguish that resonated deep in Jean's soul. Hange wept too, both gripping their last link to this world so tightly they would both likely bruise. Jean felt sick. He knew that pain, that loss. It twisted and ached even now.
Mikasa grabbed his sleeve, pulling all of them away, directing them until they were safely behind the door of the make shift bunk room. The moments pulled long, each studying the others but now knowing what to say, trapped in thought over what they'd just overheard.
'Did we really hear that?' Eren asked, and this time Jean was glad of his speak-first-ask-questions-later attitude. 'Did Captain Levi just say that he and the Commander were….'
'Lovers,' Armin completed, eyes wide. 'It would make sense, they were close and Captain Levi trusted the Commander more than anyone else. He also always seemed to know more about the Commander's plans than the other Squad Leaders and I know that they took their meals together in the office. I…'
'But they weren't y'know…'Eren struggled for the expression naively, 'they just seemed like that were friends.'
Jean's breath stuck in his throat, instantly thrown back to all the times he'd wanted to reach out for Marco, hold his hand, press a kiss to those beautiful smiling lips. But they'd held back, waited until they were sure they were alone. Always careful, never free to express all the love and affection they'd cherished in their hearts. How he'd wished he'd been able to kiss each one of those freckles that dotted his nose one last time when he'd had the chance.
'You don't have to be all over someone to love them,' Jean released softly.
Armin's answer was more factual, as to be expected from the boy. 'Fraternization is against military rules, even for officers. I doubt they wanted anyone to think that their judgement was compromised, although it appears that Hange suspected…. I'm going to be sick.'
'At least you know…' Eren said, trailing off without finishing, knowing that his joking tone would fall flat.
'I don't… I couldn't imagine sacrificing the person I loved when they were there in front of me and I could save them,' Mikasa ventured, eyes moving to Eren. They'd all seen the length's she'd gone to in protecting Eren the determination and all she'd achieved under than tenacious belief.
'Captain Levi truly is Humanity's Strongest,' Armin added, all of them falling back into a dead quiet.
'We should sleep,' Jean said, getting into his cot without looking at the others, was glad when there was enough rustling to show that they were following suit. Not that sleep would find them easily, but they had to present the best faces they could at the funeral tomorrow. Still, as he lay there staring up at the darkness his mind wandered. In that situation what would he have done, Marco or Armin, Marco or the Commander? Behind his eyes he saw the soft, bright smile he ached to see once again with his entire soul. Then again, Jean had always known that he wasn't strong.
By the time they'd arrived at the funeral, morose and sombre, Commander Hange and Captain Levi were already in place nothing about them giving any indication of the previous night's breakdown. Hange was rocking on the balls of their feet in standard impatience and Levi was calm, stonily watching the proceedings with hooded eyes. They'd shuffled into line next to them and Jean had found himself next to the Captain.
Jean's arms ached, he'd been stood in salute since the funeral began the same as the rest of the remaining Scout Regiment; all except Levi as usual. Chief Commander Zackly read out name after name of the fallen. Jean felt their ghosts at his back, heard the wailing of grieving mothers, saw tears on so many faces as he forced himself to look out at the reality of war. He didn't recognise most of the names, no doubt the reserves from the other military factions transferred to them for the expedition. They hadn't been ready to die, hadn't intended to put their lives on the line. They hadn't chosen this life the same way he and those that stood next to him had.
Zackly reached the officers, and Jean saw Levi blink heavily as the man read out the names of Veteran Soldier Nabana and her Squad leader Mike Zacharias, Hange bowing their head. Had they been close? What past had they all shared that he and the other new recruits hadn't seen, could never understand? Then Zackly paused, breathing deeply, gripping the podium tight as he looked down at what had to be the final name, all officers accounted for. He began to spill out his genuine regret of the loss of a great man, the hero of humanity, the 13th Commander of the Scouting Regiment, Commander Erwin Smith.
Captain Levi moved and Jean's focus turned to him unbidden as the man snapped into a tight, perfect salute. The only that he'd ever seen the Captain give. His back was straight, shoulders strong, feet together; but he didn't look at the burning pyre that symbolised the bodies they'd had to leave behind, his eyes raised past the rooftops, ever upwards to the sky. It was the same blue that covered them beyond the walls. They'd lost so much, some might come to say too much. But if the Captain could stand beside him shouldering the greatest loss and find hope, then Jean would too.
One by one he saw his friend's heads tilt, their eyes staring off and up into the azure expanse above them all. Nine of them stood there, nine, and they were all that were left of the wings of freedom. Together they would move forward all the while holding the memories of the dead within them to guide the path forward. Together they would step forward and rebuild. It was their path to take.