chapter 1 - clockwork clown
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It has been two hours since the arranged time of our meeting. And here I am, standing here...alone...That must be your answer.
With an unwavering gaze, I stared up at the limitless sky and the floating clouds. The sun looked as if it was waving goodbye as it drowned in a mixture of vibrant blues, pinks, yellows, oranges, and reds. Just looking at it alone made me feel at peace. It was relaxing, and the radiant glow was warm. For some reason, it reminded me of your cordial touch. The river in front of me mirrored the sunset, perfectly reflecting its tranquility. It was sublime. It was beautiful, divine even, but why did it only intensify my pain? Like it was mocking me, telling me my life wasn't beautiful like the sunset...instead, it was ugly...
I should have just kept my feelings to myself. I had to write that stupid love letter, telling you my stupid feelings. What was it I wrote that made me feel so confident?
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Hi,
I had something really important to tell you today. Unfortunately I didn't have enough courage to tell you this in person. I don't know what I would do if I got rejected by you in person. Look, to put it simply, I guess I really like you. I have no idea when all this started, but it just happened. I'll give you some time to think about it. If you accept, meet me at the park at 5:00. If not, then just don't.
I'll be waiting for you,
Miku
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Ah, so that was it. What gave me the confidence was writing the letter, instead of telling him my feelings directly.
I want to deny my feelings for him and stay friends, but everything about him is perfect to me. I love his hair. It's a dark and lustrous chocolate color. It could have been mistaken for black hair, if it wasn't for the deep brown edges that shine in the light. It always looked soft too. There have been plenty of times that I've considered touching it. And it covers his face, which is the one thing I don't like about. So much so, that I occasionally ask him to get a haircut. "Why?" he asks. Because it's covering your eyes. Then shifting his head slightly, he runs his hand through his hair and stares at me for half a minute. For that short moment, I get to see his eyes. His eyes that are a similar brown to his hair, but lighter. In the sunlight, you could see golden flecks within them. When he was happy, they looked as if they were glowing. When he was sad, they were dull and gloomy, but they were beautiful nonetheless. "Why would you want to see my eyes?" he would ask me, after a short silence. Why wouldn't I?
And then there's his...Wait...I suppose I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. I've gotten completely off-topic. But this just proves that I'm obsessed with him. It's because of your stupid smile and gestures. I feel like they're going to break me. This is so hard, yet so easy. I should just be able to move on and accept reality, right? But for some reason, I can't accept the fact that he doesn't love me. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's both a coincidence and fate. I knew it would have been better if I didn't try to find out your feelings for me. I should have just kept things the way they were, because now it's like I'm forcing you to make a decision. I guess I deserve this kind of punishment. But I don't want it. And even though I'm in pain, even though I suffering, the world will keep on spinning. Spinning with an unconcerned and indifferent expression.
But I guess that's just life...
But I'm tired of spinning endlessly. I want to end this misery right now. You should know most about how I feel about the world. It was you who helped me out when I was down. When I was about to end it all. After I met you, everything changed. Now it's because of you that I feel this way again. It's scary...what love can do. It's also scary to think about what will change between us. After today, it will all be different. Will we even be friends anymore? To be honest, I don't want to think about it. It's too much for me to handle. It hurts.
People passed by, laughing and joking. Are they mocking me too?
For a short moment, I held my breath, unable to think or say anything. My hand clenches my deep blue dress tightly; so tight that I could feel my nails practically stab my palm through the dress. As tears threaten to fall, I close my eyes desperately trying to stop myself from crying. The sky began to get darker and the sun had finally set. It was starting to get late, and you still weren't here. I see. I must be a clown in your mind, aren't I? Yes, I am the one you call a clown. A clown that you command as you desire. It's hopeless. I quit. I'm not waiting for you anymore. Or else, I'll really end up breaking. And I'm not just going to wait...Wait for you to pick up the pieces and put me back together again.
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"Yes, I am the one you call a clown. A clown that you command as you desire."