DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING OF LOST GIRL.
Alas this story is just for fun and totally made up.
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AN: So this is the prequel to "DAMN YOU DO YOU KARMA" since i finished this chapter yesterday I decided to post it asap as my calendar is very full and trying to squeeze in time to write is getting harder. Thanks for reading and reviewing the first also let me know what you make of this one.
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Cheers
and happy holidays to one and all and also a happy new year.
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PRESENTLY (January)
Bo poured herself a half glass of scotch and sat facing the slow burning fire in the private den of her wing of the mansion as she allowed herself to get lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of should have… could have… would not… did not… she added another block of 'ice guilt and loathing' to her half full glass of regrets. Things she wish she could take back, could do over, things she would say instead of hoping for sympathetic compassion, blind love… fuck she hated her life and who she was right now, but of course this was all her doing with a lot of help from other influences.
The past eleven months give or take for her had its ups and downs, the ups being everything Lauren for seven of those wonderful, life changing months we were together before I fucked it up to be living in my own hell for the last four months which included now and I could forget about it being a living hell when I think about her. She was and is my light even in these dark days. She was without a doubt everything I wanted to happen to me, to find in someone. The feelings she evoked in me could not be compared to anything I'd felt before. The feeling of wanting to fit in her skin so that we'd always be one together was overwhelming and bordering a bit on the unhealthy-critical side of obsessive.
It had to be very fucking- portentous-hair-raising to feel that way about just one person, who you have only met ten months ago. When I am not with her I'm more than irascible… more insane than sane… it was a damn real struggle to focus on work or anything else 99% of the time when she occupied my every conscious and unconscious thought…. Trust me the struggle is real, so fucking real I couldn't wait to see her, most times sometimes bordering on all the time-I needed to just be around her. Lauren ameliorated everything in me, her influence on me makes me seek to improve everything about me, my work and my family situation where before I wouldn't have dared to stand up against my only family that really mattered.
After all he raised me… kept me when my mother didn't want me (though I don't think he would have sent me away) still I owe him and my late grams so much for raising me to be a somewhat decent person, which is why I tried to never be a burden to them growing up, I learnt to do things for myself, cook, got employment early even if it was in his company I did it out of obligation because I owed it to them…they literally kept me glued together, even as I got older and my first two serious relationships failed both guys only interested in me because my family had money, they reminded me of the nameless, faceless man who had contributed to my existence- knowing he was only with my mother because she had money and I thought then that I was going to turn out to be like my mother after all I was choosing men like she had, who were only with me for the money and not really love. And the few girls I fancied which was like one in however was when I really needed a different touch.
But when I met Lauren she changed all of that. She made me seek so much more, that I shouldn't just settle and every day or thought of her caused improvements in me where I no longer wanted to waste energy on trying to make things easy by damping down on what I mean to say and do- only so that it's easier to bear… and I have been bearing a lot… like that I've been going through the motions of keeping my relationships with my family 'easy' so that it's easier to bear my mother's manipulative, stiff, (never hard or tough love) also distant kind of love and affection. As much as I tell myself I'm over her abandonment of me somewhere deep down in me I'm not- though I suppose I was trying to keep the peace with her because she was/is gramps only daughter and unfortunately also my mother and I figured if he could try with her so could I.
From the first I'd met Lauren I knew she was the one. Lauren made me desire to improve and be worthy of her, I had been so close to coming out of it all and I let him pull me back in and now my days are like my work days without my Lauren fix be it the beginning of the day or at the end of it it's been hell for every one that crossed my path.
Looking back and now, I knew it was more than me just being clingy, I've never been that way about anyone or anything, not even my grandfather whom I love more than he knows. I fought with myself daily, I didn't want her to tire of me…I didn't want to become suffocating to her, it was a tough battle to stand up to myself to fight with myself every breath I take. Sometimes-okay a lot of the times I get the crazy notion to build a shrine of some kind put endless pictures of her in it to worship her always, to say how much I love her, to show how much I love her to never forget how much I love her, need her.
That first day in the hospital was the day I fell for her. I'd wanted to tell her then, when she pulled me aside to talk to me. I'd wanted to tell her when I first started pursuing her, I'd wanted to tell her that morning I took her to breakfast, I'd said as much to, and I wasn't lying or saying that just to get her to listen to me. She'd unleased this person that needed her… wanted her not just physically but like my very existence depend upon her… this me I never knew existed in me.
I'd wanted to tell her more than anything that very night at her house, even before I tasted her. God I get instant goose bumps just thinking about that first night I got to kiss her, taste her, and touch her. I'd never wanted to give someone so much pleasure, without getting mines first, the few partners that I'd slept with I always made sure that I got of first and then they, after wards the spark would just fade out and the reason for wanting that person at the time would be gone but with Lauren it only grew and grew till it took on a life of its own.
So as not to again feel like I was beginning to suffocate her, I waited agonizingly for our first month anniversary to reach, I took her out on the yacht I hired from a Boating company, though my family owned a speed Boat and a yacht, I wanted her all to myself and no one prying on us. I'd work myself into a frenzy that night, worrying when would be the right time or if it was too soon to tell her, would she feel the same? I didn't expect her to tell me right away but eventually she would have I hoped.
I wanted to take her below deck and make love to her but I had to use perpendicular will power to resist the compelling feeling and instead we laughed, talked, flirted so much that by the time we got to her house and we were barely inside I had her pinned to the wall and my face buried between her legs no longer able to hold back on the need to consume her completely, repeatedly. She had however consumed me, along with my anxiety rendering me unconscious for a few moments. Afterwards laying in her bed wrapped around each other I gave up on holding back telling her and just told her, because… well… I've never experienced anything like it ever and my mind and heart was set on one thing, that the feeling was right and if it was right then she was the one and I had to let her know…
"Laur… I love you, I really do, I need you in my life, you make me so happy, and I feel so complete with you."
I do not regret ever telling her that night or so soon, I will never take back the words that I said then, even now when my life was beginning to unravel at the seams. If anything I would want to impound it permanently in her, on her that sometimes I don't think before I act, sometimes I don't cope well under certain pressures, that I may do and say stupid things, hopefully nothing that couldn't be forgiven in time but loving her, showing her, telling her is something I will never take back, I needed her to believe that, believe me, believe in us always because I was going to fuck things up, I was going to say the wrong thing at some point, I was going to do the wrong thing at some point, I was going to make more than just a simple mistake hell I think it's a pattern I have developed where 'I keep breaking things I should keep'.
But I ignored that major flaw in my character, chose not to tell her I would or could be the biggest mistake she'd make in her life because for once I wanted to believe that I deserved some kind of happiness that I wouldn't turn out to be like my mother- go away and not come back because she wasn't important enough, because I was selfish wanting to live my life carefree of any kind of commitment, for once I wanted to believed that I was worthy of love, Lauren's love and-and I wanted and needed her to know that I wanted and will always come back to her if she will have me.
That even in the meantime which was right now, tomorrow and the day after that she might not want me back yet, but I would get her back even if I would wait an eternity for her to want me back to take me back, to forgive me, I was just going to wait… better yet I will always stand by like a priceless thing of hers sitting on a shelf gathering dust, whether it was in her closet, her garage, in a Box, in a drawer… wherever she kept her truly prized possessions. After all she would one day she would come back and look at them, clean them and decide if she wanted to part with any of them and she wouldn't, then she'd put them back and do it all over again in a week, month, or year and that's just how long I would spend trying to win her back as long as she kept her most valuable possession she would not part with ever.
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Now that I had seen her after so fucking long, now that she was back from wherever she went to I would call on her anytime, I'd call her in the nighttime… I'd call her in the daytime… I'd call her till she would talk to me, scream at me, cursed me out whatever… but she'd have to let me confess what I couldn't before, when I thought she'd understand without me having to ask her to. Even though my best friend, my confidant, and the only other person who knows the real me, who has seen me at my lowest and worst told me that I should give her more time, that she would not believe anything I say now because I lied and hurt her the most and she just isn't ready to have any kind of talk with me right now.
Sure he is right, the small voice in my mind was saying as much, but my damn heart just couldn't or wouldn't listen to reason, I needed her, what was so wrong about that, I'd do anything to get her back to make it all up to her, no matter the cost, pride be damned, money be damned, family be damned, she is all that matters even now and I had to make her see that.
FB - 9-10 DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING (THURSDAY)
I was waiting at Lauren's place this time, I was a mess, I couldn't think clearly, I mean here I was at my girlfriends place waiting on her because I had nowhere or no one else to go to and because I didn't want to be anywhere else but here, not even in the hospital at my gramps bedside right now. I was still in my work clothes from this morning, when Lauren walked through her front door later that evening some minutes after five to find me balled up into myself on her sofa crying quietly, she just laid behind me and let me continue to cry. When I had ceased crying she got me a glass of water and sat me up then prodded gently for me to tell her what was wrong. God if she only knew that everything that could go wrong was going wrong as it could get.
I started to cry again and she just held me to her chest as I cried afresh. Long minutes had passed before I was able to tell her what happened that day. I started from the beginning explaining I had two meetings that morning which I sat through and then I told him-my gramps… as well as handed him my resignation personally like I had told her I would do and then we started to argue to the point that he stooped so low and said some hurtful stuff about me being a selfish spoiled brat, who wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for him and that I owed him my life and everything I am now, to which I argued that I didn't owe him a damn thing, that I wasn't going to be controlled or manipulated into being someone I wasn't, and how I also told him to shove his job and his company because his legacy would be dead when I left and I wouldn't care to which he replied by slapping me before he clutched his chest and fell to the floor.
"Laur…my timing was bad, I didn't think that he wouldn't be able to handle the news, I didn't think and he's in there because of what I said, my selfishness put him back there… and what if he doesn't make it what if he dies, then what… I don't want those to be the last words I say to him Laur I-I wouldn't be able to live with that guilt."
"Bo… baby don't do this to yourself, I don't know what to say except that it was a stressful situation, words good and bad were said and I believe he took it the wrong way but you are not selfish for standing up for yourself."
"But what if… it's true that I am where I am because of him, I have a good life because of him when my mother had abandoned me, my father wasn't any better, and he and grams is all I had. I mean maybe I could have told him I was fine with my current position you know…"
"Bo I can't tell you what to think or how to feel right now. For now though what you need to do is get some rest and think and maybe tomorrow when he feels better he might come to see things your way, you Both will talk about it and everything will work out for the best, as long as you're happy about it in the end."
"God Laur I love you… I knew you would know what to say… you always do… this is why I love you so fucking much. I won't let this set me back, if he wants to fire me its fine, I'll get work elsewhere or I could start my own business and if that doesn't take off, I hope you know you're going to have to support me financially as well."
"I won't mind, I'll get to spoil you rotten, you'll have to move in with me and I'll get to come home to you every day, it would work out favorably for me when you look at it." Lauren said before capturing my lips in a gentle kiss that said so much.
#
That night we made love, it was tender and filled with promises that I wasn't going to leave her, that we were in this together forever and that I was going to let my gramps know that I wasn't changing my mind about leaving since I couldn't abide by his terms. I felt I could stand up to him as long as I had Lauren's support. The next morning I left early for the hospital and promised to call her when I had done everything or for the most stood firm against what my gramps wanted which I didn't want if it would cost me what I came to value above any and everything else… Lauren was worth more than all the riches I'd ever dream to own.
HOSPITAL
I was nervous; I was scared a little bit. I wanted my gramps to be well and make a full recovery and I wanted him to see things my way like Lauren said he might. When I entered his room, Stella was standing near his bed and it seemed like they were having a heated conversation.
"Ysabeau you're back."
"I needed some time to myself, is something the matter?"
"NO!-YES!" they both said together.
I looked at Stella, I couldn't get a reading of her, her eyes though reflected just what she probably was like on the inside… cold, emotionless. It made me briefly wonder again what my gramps saw in her. I then looked at gramps… it was easier to get a reading of him, I'd always trusted him, he was for the most open and honest with me as I was with him and I hope he would be now as I asked him…
"Gramps what is it?"
"Nothing Bo… Stella is just overreacting."
"Overreacting about what… why?"
"Nothing I am fine, so forget about it… but I still need to talk to you, Stella can you give me a few moments with Izzy alone?"
"Of course dear, take all the time you need." She said kissing his forehead and giving me a bland look.
"Gramps talk to me… what's wrong?" I asked taking a seat on the end of his bed and taking his warm large hands in mines.
"Ysabeau I am very-very sorry about yesterday… I don't know what came over me to ever make me take god out my thoughts and slap you like I did or talk to you in that manner, if your grandmother was alive she'd be ashamed of me."
"Its fine, its water under the bridge_"
"No its not…you have your life to live and you're not selfish, you've never been, you have stepped up to the plate when I least expected you to and you have proven yourself time and again… I shouldn't be imposing my dreams and future for the company on you, you were barely out of college when you started working at MCP and of course you might want to do other things besides dedicate yourself and life in MCP like I have."
"Gramps it's not that I am not invested in MCP, I just don't understand why I have to get married, why I need a man to help me when I have been doing fine with everyone doing what they're supposed to."
"Bo we all need help, MCP isn't just about what you do, my role not just as CEO but as an overall leader, trying to do what's right for the company, the people, our customers its time consuming. When I was young like you and your grams was alive she used to help me a lot. She is the reason I was able to let go a bit and have a family and focus on them as much as I could. Then when she passed away I neglected your mother even more I neglected to even try and repair that relationship even more with her because in the beginning before she left I was trying to force her into growing up fast and learn the business, because after me naturally it was supposed to be hers and then yours but it hasn't turned out like that since you have been filling my big shoes.
To cut a long story short, what I really want to say is that with Stella I have found a bit of that focus again, Before I had my first mild heart attack I felt I could rule MCP for another 10-12 years, you know give you enough time to mature, find someone, start a family. I had also intended to bring in Dyson to work with us so that he would take over your position in time as I plan to acquire his family business which isn't doing too well. Dyson's father is a longtime friend of mine. Sure I could have lent him the money to keep his company running but I had my finance team look over their reports and they said that it would be a lost.
So I offered to combine our businesses, their business just needs the right publicity and leader to rebuild it, which I think you are, you are a worthy and loyal leader, you have never disappointed me… and though Jim was reluctant-about a woman running his family business… I then offered to buy him out, he didn't want that either, I was at my wits end with his stubbornness and then Stella said she'd have a talk with his wife and then he called me a day later and proposed that he will agree to the merger with two conditions, one that his son Dyson marries my granddaughter and two that they bare a heir within five years unless his son who will still have a controlling position of TW industries decided to sell out first as the merger will only be completed once the requirements are met."
"And you didn't think to ask me what I thought before you agreed to this madness."
"No- I was convinced that I was making a good decision, securing your future, MCP future and helping a friend out… Jim gave up, he made bad business decisions. And had he campaign and gotten at least three investors to invest twenty million each he could have turned his deficient around, paid of the money owed to the banks and give Dyson the business so he could do something with it, Dyson has so much potential to be a better businessman than his father, TW industries if marketed the right way will bring in an additional thirteen million dollars per year after tax and also Dyson would be our link to their clientele. People would continue to do business with them but also with MCP strengthening our foreign counterparts in Asia, where we have been trying to get a piece of the pie."
"Gramps I get the business ideal behind it all but I'm sorry I can't, I won't marry him, not even for a business deal. I want to marry for love, I want my life partner to be the one I marry, have a family with, someone who will support me like grams did you. No disrespect but I just don't see what you see in Stella, I believe solely that she is with you only for your money."
"I know you think that, but Stella is a wonderful woman and I agree with her that you and Dyson will do well as a couple, he will give you the support you need, it was also why the decision… my decision to step down now and put you in charge was made, but I won't do it, you can keep your position as is and I will have to look elsewhere to put in someone temporary to run MCP while I make arrangements to have my surgery and during my recovery which could be as long as 6 months and that's if I don't have a relapse."
"What do you mean? What surgery? Why?" I asked standing up suddenly.
"Bo it's nothing to worry about, Stella will be there with me, she has also given me a week to find a temp CEO, I mean if she wasn't there to push me I wouldn't Bother with a bloody tumor in my head, those things take months… years to develop and become a serious threat."
"You have a fucking tumor-in your head? How long…?"
"Young lady please have some respect and we only discovered it two months ago."
"TWO FUCKING MONTHS….?" I shrieked in shock and outrage. How come his doctor hadn't disclosed this information to me at all?
"YSABEAU…!" he shouted above me
I immediately noticed the color drain from his face before a machine started to make a loud beeping sound. A nurse burst into the room, startling me…
"Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"What's happening to him?"
"His pressure seems to be skyrocketing and I have to believe that you're the reason for it, please leave."
"I-Gramps, I'm sorry I didn't mean to_"
"Ma'am leave now, you may come back this evening before visiting hours are closed. But I would like the patient to get some rest now.
I left his room and walked out to my car, I hadn't realized I was going there.
I don't know how but that day after leaving the hospital I ended up down by the lake, I use to frequent with my grandparents and sat down on the bench getting lost in my own thoughts forgetting about time.
When I did find myself back in reality I had also come to a decision. Regrets were abundant but it had to be done. I went back to the hospital, my gramps was sleeping and Stella had already left by the look of things. I convinced the nurse in charge to allow me to stay with my gramps. When the doctor came round next morning, he told gramps he could leave sometime in the evening. That evening I had dinner with gramps, Stella and Kenzie after which gramps and I went to his office and talked.
I have never seen someone look so relieved, it's like a huge weight being lifted of his shoulders and the spark was back in his eyes. If only I had seen the spark go out of mine that day and not mistake the pain in my chest as weight about to be put on my shoulders. We further discuss when his surgery would take place, he was to have it after the wedding as he had already made the appointment for that very Monday, after the wedding because he was so sure that I would agree-or be married by then. Hearing him say that I knew it then in my gut I had made the wrong choice that I'd let the wrong kind of fear win but it was too late to renegade on the wrong choice made. On one end of the spectrum I had said that I wouldn't let my emotions make me make rash decisions yet on the other end that's exactly what I'd done. I'd let my mother's words and my gramps ill health influence my decision and there was no way on earth I could reverse that decision if I knew for a fact that my gramps wouldn't die if I told him I didn't want to do it after all.
That night I debated on calling Lauren, telling her I had chosen my gramps needs over her. I knew it would crush her and maybe she would understand and forgive me and then what if she didn't, what if she cut me out her life for good even if I explained it to her. Yeah the hard truth that I had made the biggest mistake of my life settled in around me slowly closing in, choking me. Lauren was never going to wait for me or forgive me. I'd done the worst… I am the worst.
I again called my best friend and told him everything that had transpired and what I'm about to do, he begged me to rethink it, he pleaded that I not do it because there would be no coming back once I took this suicide path. He promised me that he was going to stick by me through it all, he promised that gramps would forgive me in time but I needed to stand up for me this one time and not let that woman go. I knew he had a point and I promised to think about it and call him later.
I didn't get any sleep at all that night, my thoughts were too loud and I was trying to convey everything in the pages of the letter I was writing to Lauren. The next day still sleepless, Stella started to organize everything, and she kept talking about how I had made a wise decision and now my grandfather could get the much needed care and rest he needed. She'd admitted that she had her doubts about me being a leader, how dare she say that I would have done like my mother and run, this bitch didn't know jack shit about me or my mother… I mean not that I knew much either… but my fucked up mother was just that… my mother and if anyone had to judge her it should be me, not some leeching, gold digging bitch.
I was tempted to call Lauren, and also call this whole thing of. I didn't want this; I was doing this for my gramps, none of this was for me. I would never be happy if I went through with this mockery of a wedding and yet I had made the choice that couldn't be undone for fear of losing the only man that means more to than any other man ever will and because the pain in my chest was a steady reminder that I had possibly lost Lauren and she didn't deserve what I was about to do to her at all.
Over the next few days I was in a daze, signing papers, going to meetings, being introduced to the other more important people in the company that worked close with gramps it was hectic, time consuming and it left me feeling beyond tired most days that I was able to fall asleep the instant I hit the bed in my room at gramps mansion which he insisted that I move into. I had already packed up the stuff I wanted to keep from my old place.
Everything belonging to Lauren I packed carefully in a Box, her hair brush, shampoo, body cream, one of her favorite perfumes, lingerie, home clothes, and the cocktail dress she wore on our four month anniversary, also one of her Books she liked to read in bed when I was trying to finish up little ends of work. The rest of things I had the packers pack and deliver to the house in my own wing of the mansion. I'd slept in her old t shirt and showered with her shampoo covered my skin in her body cream and yet I wasn't or didn't feel close enough to her, if anything the aching in my chest grew more painful with each day that drew close to what would be the biggest mistake of my life.
NIGHT BEFORE WEDDING DAY
I had yet to contact Lauren, I hadn't call her because I didn't know what to say or how to explain this colossal mistake, I didn't know and didn't want to risk her hating me, damning me for toying with her life, because it would seem like that's exactly what I had done all along hell I didn't even know me anymore. Still though it wasn't too late, I should have thought so on getting your periods suddenly the night before your wedding should have been all the sign I needed to permanently call of this wedding. And honestly I didn't know anyone invited to the wedding besides my best friend who couldn't even look at me in the face but still supported my suicide mission and also my gramps, the bitch, her slut daughter, Dyson and his family. The night before had a welcoming party of sorts and to me the event was like a premier, filled with people who had nothing to do with their lives who would have attended the biggest event of the year so far dressed in their Sunday best, sitting on ridiculously expensive soft cushioned comfortable seats. I'd just about looked at all the faces and I couldn't say for certain if these were people I knew, worked with or they were all my grandfather's and Dyson's family and friends.
I looked at my best friend sitting of to the side with his date for the evening, Tamsin I think was her name, she was blonde and hot, then again Hale was a handsome guy, tight body, charming as well as funny and a gentleman all around, he has been with me through thick and thin, now I wasn't so sure- I kept looking even when his date caught me staring she leaned in and said something to him, I could see his jaw clench tightly but he refused to look at me. Fuck-shit-it would seem like I was alone after all, still I loved and appreciated the fact that he was still here with me and deep down in his kind good heart he would never abandon me, even as I was sinking slowly.
Shaking the thought and sad feeling away another one of dread settled deep in the pits of my stomach… I couldn't believe that I would have to stand up in front these people come a few hours later and proclaim to love and what not a man I would never love, could- never love.
WEDDING DAY
I could hear the loud chatter of the guests through the door separating me from making the biggest colossal mistake of my life. 'U still have time…call it off', was Hales final text plea, I looked away from my phone and looked towards my gramps, I was happy to see him looking like himself, full of color and life, smiling. Seeing him sick and frail was something I would never get used to. I had already lost my grams and I didn't want to lose him, he was all the family I had that mattered… And I knew for certain with that thought I couldn't do that to him, that my time was up, I locked my phone and placed it in the drawer as my gramps made his way over to stand at my side.
"You ready dear?"
"I don't know, but let's get the show on the road." I replied giving him a fake smile. Because this is exactly what this wedding is to me a big show.
Seconds later the inane chatter of the guests ceased I could clearly imagine everyone taking their places and turning to face the back where I was to enter from. With a gentle but firm squeeze of my arm and a last look at my gramps who looked so proud and happier than I have ever seen him, we begin my march towards the, alter as the music started its cue and the doors opened. I could hear everyone gasp, no doubt admiring me and how beautiful I must look.
I didn't feel beautiful. I felt ugly, I felt sick, and I felt my own heart breaking as I moved closer to the end of my life. I felt weighted down by the dress, I couldn't disagree that it wasn't stunning made from Italian taffeta and organza, with a strapless cross-over pleated taffeta Bodice, the Italian taffeta belt with side beaded flower embellishment at natural waist was a pure masterpiece touch to complete the full tiered organza skirt with mohair detailed edging chapel train. But I couldn't admire the beauty of the dress. When I thought about the kind of wedding I told Lauren I wanted and who I would be marrying I wanted to turn and run and find her and drag her here to the church. My legs were shaking, my hands were sweaty and shaking, I was going to puke, and I could feel the bile rising in my throat.
I looked for Hale, found his eyes, they held a look of disappointment, sadness… he should be happy for me, it's my fucking wedding and I needed him to fucking smile, boost my morale, anything, he just sat there… suddenly I stumbled slightly the room beginning to spin, this was it I was going to black out…none of that happened as I was quickly righted by my gramps.
And with another firm reassuring squeeze from my gramps I was able to push the ill feelings back down. I wished now that my gramps was one of those people, that he had a heart like my best friend who knew, who could see through the pretenses, my pretenses that this isn't what I want. It wasn't-isn't. Why couldn't he be like Hale and say…? "Ysabeau… sweetheart, we don't have to do this if you don't want to, if you don't love him, don't let this be about a business deal, you should marry for love and nothing less…" But of course he didn't he wasn't that selfless a person unlike someone I knew. We were at the end of the aisle now, with another squeeze gramps left me to face Dyson.
Sure he looked nice in his suit but it did nothing for me, still I plastered on the fake bravado and looked at him, the fake smile felt like a grimace to me yet to him it looked genuine. I barely registered the priest reading and for much of it I was contemplating my exit, '…maybe I could still stop this… Hale would help me make my get away… it wasn't too late to say no and leave and go find Lauren and beg her forgiveness…'However I was brought back to reality when I felt Dyson take my hands in his and started saying his vows, soon it would be my turn, my vows were written by the ever efficient Stella, I had memorized them it wasn't much. I turned to look at the priest who had called my name more than once apparently
I pulled another tight smile and faced Dyson, I said my vows like I was reading a script, monotone, no emotions I just wasn't that caring of how it sounded since it sounded horrible to me. When the priest asked for the rings, Dyson slipped on mine and I slipped on his, the priest pronounced us man and wife and granted the proverbial permission to kiss the bride, he threw back my veil and drew us together, I kept my lips sealed tightly, I cringed inwards when he used his tongue to swipe against my lips looking for an entrance, I held tighter to the Bouquet in my hands when all I wanted to do was punch him in the face.
He pulled away with a dazed look, smiled at me and I once again forced a heartwarming smile at him, it worked and then there was loud cheers and applauding. On heavy laden legs I turned and faced the crowd as we started to walk down the aisle. After that I chose not to remember much of anything. After a couple dances, a few toast's throwing of the Bouquet and more pictures, Dyson lead me to the waiting limo that would take us to a little bed and breakfast for our honeymoon.
In the limo I couldn't hold back the sickening feeling in my gut and grabbed the champagne bucket emptying the contents shoving my head into the bucket as I brought up what little I had managed to eat in the past couple days. Dyson questioned if I was alright and then offered me his hanky with a Bottle of water.
"Hey Bo… I know you're nervous but don't be, we don't have to do anything tonight if you don't want to. But maybe when you get there you might feel better you know."
Of course I knew that, there was no way in hell I would be sleeping with him ever. I nodded my head in understanding. When we got there we were shown to the honeymoon suite. Once inside I told him that I wasn't feeling any better and that I would sleep on the sofa or he could go out.
"Bo, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay with you and do you want me to ask if they have a pharmacy nearby so I can get you something?"
"No… I'll be fine I just need to lie down."
Much later after I was sure he was asleep in the bedroom I changed out of my dress and into jeans and a sweater, I was leaving first thing at the break of dawn. I wrote him a note saying I had to meet an important client and took the waiting cab and went to the lake I use to frequent with my grandparents. I set my handbag down and reached inside to extract the notepad that I kept there just in case and started to write an apology and an explanation to Lauren, she needed to know even if it was a week late.
One page began to blur into the other, each question asked or answered being so in detail as she asked for forgiveness at each turn…
'Lauren please don't give up on me, hate me if you must, curse me if you must, but don't think for one second that I don't love you… I still do, because you have my heart no matter what and yeah I know this is going to seem like more than a shitty way of showing that but I hope you understand that all of what I have done is a lie but nothing with you was or is, it's the only truth I know, I have left in this nightmare that my life has become. It feels like I am underwater holding my breath waiting to breathe again, to feel again, and to live again… and I'll only do that when I have you again.'
Time had flown so fast that it was late evening when she showed up to the mansion to an unhappy group of people.
"Bo I was worried where have you been I have been calling your phone?" Dyson said sounding the calmest of them all.
"I told you I went out to meet a client."
"All of today till now?" Stella snapped
I threw her a look of … 'WTF? Who do you think you're talking to?' before I closed my eyes taking a deep breath and releasing it in the next to say…
"I went out to meet a client… it's called working… some of us actually have to work for a living than most leeches, you should know what I mean Stella since you're so STELLER at being one."
"Ysabeau, enough… apologized now." Trick hissed at her
"I am not going to apologize to this cunt for doing my JOB! And getting married doesn't change a damn thing, I have responsibilities, you should know something about that gramps after all you chose work over family for years didn't you…? Besides it's a family trait I inherited no doubt from you and I gotta do right or I'll be just another disappointment like my bastard mother." I said with a knowing grin… yeah sure it was a low blow but I wasn't going to answer to any of these fuckers gramps included, they may have and I allowed them to screw my life over but no way was I going to give my soul to them, it was all I had left.
"Bo show some respect for your grandfather."
"Why don't you do it for me, kiss his ass and her ass… hell lick them both if you want to… you ass licking mutt."
"Ysabeau what the hell has gotten into you?" her grandfather gasped
"The devil… that's what, no good woman would leave their husband on their wedding night or disappear come the morning for an entire day."
"Look Stell's… you and I will never be friends, I tolerate you, but…. . . … now get the fuck out my face and go fucking harass your skank of a daughter."
Stella began to sputter, never had anyone ever spoken to her like that in her life and she wasn't about to accept that from Bo either, Bo watched her glance at both men, and she could see the thought form in her head that she would have both their support for her next action which was predictable, bo knew exactly what she was about to do as she stepped forward and swung her hand, only to have it caught by Bo in a vice grip. Bo feeling more than angry that both would have let this bitch get away with it gripped Stella's wrist squeezing, digging her nails, breaking the flesh, ignoring the woman's cry and whimpers of hurting her, Bo pulled her forward till their noses was almost touching… and spoke loud enough so that she was heard by all…
"This is your first and last warning, you ever raise your hand to me again, I'll break it off and slap you with it then shove it up your ass… is that clear."
"YSABEAU…! BO...!" Both Dyson and Trick shouted in a hard tone.
"Figures I would be the one in the wrong…" she growled in disgust before shoving Stella away hard as she turned and walked in the direction of her wing of the mansion, without another word or backward glance even when her grandfather kept calling for her to come back.
END FB