I: Sinking in Grief

"No one told me that grief felt so like fear…"

As Sam looked up at the familiar New York Brownstone, a million and one thoughts ran through his head of perfectly, quaffed blonde hair. He had no idea what to say to Katie, he had absolutely no idea what to he was going to say her. What does one say to their grieving best friend when the man she had considered to be the love of her life, her high school sweetheart was dead? What do you say when you had been the one beside him when he had passed? Once again, Sam looked up at the New York brownstone, a frown on his face as he tried to think about what he could possibly say to her, to the grieving wife of Noah Puckerman, to his best friend in the entire world, to the one and only Kate Hudson-Puckerman.

Picking up the calla lilies off of his dashboard, Sam stepped out of his car, locking it behind him and as he made his way towards the large wooden front door. The sound of his heart pounding in his ears grew louder with each step that he took. He still had no idea what he was going to say to her, never mind what he was going to say to the boy he thought of as a nephew.

"Uncle Sam," the small boy called as soon as he opened the door before Sam could even get the chance to knock on it. Sam paused and let the brown haired little boy run to him as fast as his feet could carry. The moment that young Finn rain into his uncle's arms, he clutched at his late father's band member. Sam could feel tears slowly coming to his eyes as he picked up his pseudo nephew and carried him into the house away from any prying eyes.

News of the American Music Award winning band Gleek's front man Noah Puckerman's sudden death had spread like a wildfire and it was a miracle that the street wasn't filled with paparazzi at this time of morning. The funeral was set to take place in a couple of days and he would have thought that the rats with cameras would have been camped out on the front lawn. Sam thought that it was even a miracle that he was able to park where he was because for the past couple of days, a new crew had been parked there waiting for a glimpse of Kate or Finn.

Upon stepping into the house, Sam noticed something and was immediately on edge. The Puckerman house was quiet. It was almost never quiet. Music was almost always playing from the studio that had been built down the hall, be it either from Puck or from Kate, and if music wasn`t coming from the studio it was always playing from somewhere else in the house. The Puckerman Home was never quiet.

"Finn, where's your mom," Sam asked, setting the boy back on his feet as he closed the front door behind him, "You know you're not supposed to open the door without an adult around…"

"She's upstairs," the young boy explained, having the slight decency to look a little bit ashamed, "She hasn't come from out of her room since those police men came to tell her something about Daddy that made her really sad and cry. Where is Daddy, uncle Sam? Why hasn't he come home yet? Mommy's always sad when he's not home." Sam looked at the little boy in horror. Had no one told him yet that his father was never coming home again? Had no one told him that his father had been killed in a car accident much like the uncle he was named after?

"Finn-"

"Buddy, we talked about this," came the familiar voice of Kate's step-father and former Ohio Congressman, Burt, "Your Dad, he, uh, he's not going to be coming home. He, uh, he's gone to be with your uncle Finn and-"

"But, he has to come," Finn cried, looking at his grandfather with tears welling in his big brown eyes that were so similar to his mother's, "He has to come home, G'mpa, he has to come back. He promised. He promised that he would take Mommy and I on a trip to the house in Nantucket this summer. We can't go if he doesn't come home."

"Of course, you can go buddy," Burt tried again, pulling his step-grandson into his arms, "Your Mom will take you if that's where you-"

"No," Finn practically screamed, struggling in the older man's arms, "It's not the same without Daddy. We can't go if he's not there. If he's not there, Mommy will continue to be sad and he needs to come and make her feel better. No one makes her smile like Daddy does." It was then that Finn finally broke down into tears, burying his head into his grandfather's shoulder. Burt looked up at Sam and nodded his greeting before indicating for Sam to just go ahead up the stairs, he would know where to find her.

As Sam climbed the narrow staircase of the Puckerman Home, his mind once again turned to what he would tell her. He wasn't exactly sure what shape he would find Kate in. Sam knew that Finn had mentioned that Kate hadn't bothered coming out of her room since the cops had broken the news to her, but he could only imagine how she would react to seeing him. Would she be angry; he was the one that Noah had spent his final moments with. Would she be happier; he had been the one to offer her a certain comfort that Noah couldn't after her brother had died all those years ago. Or would she just be indifferent?

"Kate Hudson-Puckerman, you need to your butt out of that bed," Sam heard Kate's mother-in-law call from her spot in the hall in front of the master suite bedroom, "You have a son that needs to be taken care of and-"

"Leave me alone, Anita," Kate called back, Sam could practically hear her choking back a sob, "Just leave me alone!"

"Kate, you listen to me and you listen to me now," the older woman called, the stress she was feeling becoming more and more evident on her face, "You cannot wallow in self-pity, my Noah wouldn't want you to wallow in your grief. He would want you to be there for Finn, he would-"

"Anita, just leave me alone," Kate called back through the door, "I just want to be left alone."

"Young lady," Anita scolded, a scowl appearing on her face that sent a shiver down Sam's spine. He had been on the receiving end of that scowl and it never meant anything good.

"Your mother, step-father and I have let you wallow in your grief long enough," the older woman snapped, her hand reaching out to grasp the door handle, "I am coming in there and I'm going to drag you out of bed. You have my grandchild to take care of. You can't leave that little boy without-" Before Anita could finish her thought, Sam rushed forward and stood in front of her and the door. The last thing Kate needed right now was for Anita to put her on the defense. Noah and Finn were-are everything to Kate and the last thing that his best friend needed was her mother-in-law of all people questioning that.

"Let me talk to her, Anita," Sam interrupted, "She doesn't need you shouting at her right now."

"No, what she needs is a good kick in the ass," Anita told the young blonde standing in front of her, "Noah was my baby, I'm grieving too, but Kate, Kate-"

"Kate is trying to deal with her grief right now," Sam explained to the woman quietly, "She knows that she has Finn to take care of, but she also knows that you, Burt and Carol are here and besides her, you are the best people to take care of him right now. I'm sure if you weren't here, Kate would find a way to get out of bed. Now, please, go downstairs, spend time with your grandson and just let me talk to her." Anita looked like she wanted to say something to her late son's friend, but just shook her head.

"Okay, okay," the Jewish mother relented, though is seemed like it was against her nature to, "Just-just let her know that we want her to be okay. No-Noah's funeral is tomorrow and she-she didn't even make any of the arrangements. I-I did it all."

"And I'm sure, she is grateful for everything you've done," Sam assured her once more, "I'll see what kind of shape she's in and then, we'll take it from there. She, she just needs her time and I'm sure it'll be even harder once she sees Finn. He's the spitting image of Noah." Anita nodded in agreement. Sam was right, little Finn was the spitting image of her son and while they all knew that Kate loved her son to the moon and back ten-twenty times over, it might break the resolve she did have to get out of bed. Squeezing Sam's arm gently, Anita made her way towards the stairs.

"Katie," Sam called, as he gently knocked on the door once Anita was out of ear shot, "Katie, I know you want to be left alone, but-but I'm coming in, okay?" Sam waited for a response, but when he didn't get one, he knew it was okay for him to enter the room. The moment the door was open even the slightest bit, Sam knew why she wanted to be left alone. It seemed that amidst her grief, Kate had trashed the entire room.

The sheets that had once sat pristinely on the bed were on the floor. Pictures of the couple that once littered the walls and the dresser were now face down on the floor. The little knick knacks Kate had collected over he life time had been smashed to smithereens. Drawers and been opened and left open. And Kate, she was sitting on the floor amongst the many pieces of jewelry and stuffed animals that Noah had gifted to her over their years together. She didn't look like she had slept since that fateful night.

"Katie," Sam sighed, placing the calla lilies on the arm chair that sat in the corner of the room by the door, "Katie, come on, come here."

"Nobody in this house understands," Kate responded not bothering to look at the blonde that was no standing beside, "I-I just want to be left alone. I just want to cry and grieve for my husband in peace. I want to be able to do this my way before I have to put on a brave face for my son tomorrow." Sam looked down at the brunette as she picked up a pearl necklace that had been an anniversary gift before she dropped it on the floor once more. Sam watched in silence as sobs slowly began to wrack her body. Bringing her hands up to her face, Kate tried to her best to muffle the cries of despair.

"He promised me, Sammy, he promised me forever. He gave me my grandmother's engagement ring and he promised me forever," she sobbed, practically shrinking in on herself as she did, hugging herself as tightly as she could, "And he's gone, just like that. Just like my Dad, just like Finn, he's gone and now, now I'm all by myself and oh God, Finn. He's never going to get to know what Finn'll be like. If he'll be anything like my brother or if he'll, he, he's just gone, Sammy, he's gone and I-I don't know what I'm going to do." The moment those final words left her mouth, Kate descended into more sobs, not even able to speak anymore.

Sam could feel tears streaming down his face as he watched the once strong woman that he knew turn into the weak one that sat in front of him now. He had no idea how to respond to what she was saying. He thought back to when Finn had passed and how Noah, who was going through his own grief at the time, had just been her pillar of strength. How he had been the one to make sure that she ate, that she slept, that she showered, that she socialised when it was needed the most and now as he stood in front of the crying woman, it was evident that none of that was happening now, that no matter how much the people downstairs tried, she wasn't letting anybody take care of her the same he did.

"When was the last time you ate something, Katie," Sam asked her softly as he kneeled down beside her, "When was the last time you slept or, or showered?" Kate didn't answer for a moment as she continued to cry. Slowly, but surely those sobs turned into quiet little sniffles as she felt Sam sit down beside her and wrap an arm around her shoulders.

"Come on, Katie," he cajoled her, "When was the last time you ate something? When was the last time that you slept? Have you even slept or have you just been trashing your room the entire time that you've been up here?" Kate looked up at her best friend with her red rimmed eyes, looking exhausted. Sam was now sure that she hadn't slept since the cops had informed of her husband's death and his thoughts were confirmed the moment that she answered.

"What day is it?"

"Oh, Katie," Sam sighed again, slowly pulling her to her feet at the same time that he stood up, "You, you have to take better care of yourself. It's not just you this time around-"

"Please, don't," Kate interrupted, "Please, don't remind me."

"I won't," Sam promised her, "But, you know I'm right. You have to take better care of yourself. Now, come on, let's go downstairs-"

"No," Kate interrupted with more strength than he had seen from her the moment that he had spotted her on the floor, "I can't go down there right now, not looking like this Sammy. Finn, Finn, he can't, he can't see me like th-"

"He already knows your upset, that you're sad," Sam explained to her gently, "But, he's having difficulty grasping the gravity of the situation. He was wondering where Noah was, when he was coming back, whether or not the three of you were still going to Nantucket this summer because Noah promised him that you were."

"Oh God," Kate gasped again, tears welling up in her eyes again, "My baby, he's probably so confused right now, oh God, I'm a failure as a mother-"

"You're not a failure," Sam argued, looking at her almost angrily, "You are grieving right now, and for the first time since Valentine's Day your senior year, you do not have Noah to turn to. You're scared right now. I get that, I was scared too. I had no idea what to say to either one of you and-and I was there with him and-"

"And I was glad to know that someone he loved like a brother was with him, Sammy," Kate told him, through her own tears as Sam's began falling as well, "Knowing that you were there with him when I couldn't be, when I didn't even know, I was so thankful that he didn't die alone, not like Finn. I-I'm just having a hard time right now. You're right, I am scared because I can't remember a time that he wasn't there. I can't remember a time when even though we were far from friends, I always had him to run to, I always had that shoulder to lean on. I don't know what I'm going to do without Noah. I don't know how I'm going to raise our son knowing that someone took his father away from him. I never thought I'd be a single mother or a widow and in one fail swoop, I'm both." Sam listen to Kate as she slowly went through everything she was feeling; what was running through her head and heart now that her entire life had been turned upside down.

"I can't sleep, I have no appetite," Kate continued, closing her eyes once more as she tried to stop the tears that were falling, "I can't even think about looking at my son because I know, I just know that all I'm going to see is Noah and all I'm going to think of is him and Finn and I have neither one of them in this situation. I can't turn to my big brother, I can't turn to the love of my life." Once more Kate descended into tears as her legs fell out from underneath her. Sam reached out to grab her before she hit the floor.

"I-I don't know what I'm going to do without him, Sammy," Kate sobbed into his shoulder, "I-I loved him with everything that I had and, and he's gone, he's just gone." Sam held the small brunette closed to him as she continued to cry. It was hard to see her like this. She was never like this. She was almost always the rock for everybody else.

"I'm going to get you something to eat, okay," he whispered to her as her sobs began to quiet once more, "I'll be right back with something small and while you eat it, I'm going to clean some of this up and make the bed. Then, I'm going to get Finn and the both of you are going to sleep for a little bit-"

"Sam-"

"Katie, you need to eat something, you need to sleep and most importantly, you need to see Finn," Sam finished for her, smiling at her as he walked backwards towards the door, "And Katie, I know you feel like you're alone right now, but you're not. You got me."

A/N: I know, I said that I was no longer going to be using this character anymore, but this story popped into my head and I'm not ashamed to say this, but I cried while writing it and as I edited it.

For those of you looking for 'Your Future, My Past,' I'm still writing and working on the new chapter. It should be up by the end of the weekend.

Let me know what you think.

xo