Mario groggily walks into a popular Mushroom Kingdom pub on a cold, bleak January morning. Being so early, and so very cold, the normally-bustling bar is practically empty. He calmly sits on a stool, and stares at the rack of assorted alcoholic beverages behind the counter, with a languid facial expression.
The bartender sees Mario walk in and cheerfully greets him, saying, "Nice to see you again, Mario! What'll it be?"
Mario stares vacantly for a few seconds, but then answers, "Scotch on the rocks," and insipidly pokes at a small bug on the countertop.
As Mario waits for his drink, Fox walks in and sits down on a stool next to him.
"I'll have a Hennessy Cognac," says Fox as he messes with his expensive cell phone. While checking his messages, he looks over at Mario and asks, "So how's everything been going, man?"
The bartender sets Mario's drink in front of him. Mario briefly chugs the frothy mug of scotch and replies, "Eh, not great. Peach got herself kidnapped by that creep Bowser again. That's the ninth time this month! Seriously, WHY can't she defend herself? Is she really just that inept?"
Fox looks at the counter and says, "Yeah, I'm starting to know that feeling. Ever since Slippy tried meth and went insane, he-or-she has been kidnapping Krystal on a regular basis. Admittedly, it was fun at first. That little green stain was somewhat challenging, unlike most of the freaks I encounter. Then it became monotonous and annoying." His drink arrives, and he takes swig.
Mario continues, "I'm sick of Bowser's constant kidnapping...and Peach's inordinate vulnerability. I'm considering getting Peach a nice forty-five caliber pistol really soon. Bowser won't know what hit him...heh...heh heh." Mario starts jittering and chugs more of the scotch.
The two go silent and contemplate their thoughts. While that's happening, Link walks in and sits next to Fox.
"Bartender. Rum. Now. I require alcohol soon," demands Link.
Mario and Fox look at him and simultaneously ask, "Zelda trouble?"
Link winces at the mention of her name and responds, "Pff. YEAH. She wasn't taken by Ganondorf this time, oh no my friend. She was taken by Tingle. That's right. That weak little green migraine." He cringes, and continues, "I shall make stew out of him. I MEAN IT, TOO. YOU KNOW I WILL."
Mario smirks and suggests, "Get her a pistol. I plan on getting Peach one, probably an automatic forty-five-cal with a drum magazine."
Link sneers and blurts out, "Can't. Advanced technology is forbidden in Hyrule because of some retarded tradition." He guzzles his rum.
Disappointed, Mario sardonically says, "Hmm. Okay. Then you denounce your manhood. Hey, I don't care. It's only the fate of your girlfriend we're talking about." He chugs more scotch.
The stressed and irritated Link glances at Mario and responds, "Listen, chubby red freak boy, I had a tedious week. Yes, the archaic Hylian laws suck, but," He thinks for a moment, and continues, "...you do have a point. I'm heading to a pawn shop right now! But first, a toast, to, um..."
Fox stands up, holds out his glass, and says, "To guns!"
Mario does the same, adding, "To arming those we love!"
Link follows suit and finishes, "And to drowning our worries in alcohol!"
The trio makes a toast.
Super Mario character/places, StarFox characters, and Legend of Zelda characters are copyright of Nintendo
Beverage brands are copyright of their respective owners
Story is copyright of myself, NuclearCookout
NuclearCookout does not condone consumption of alcohol or the corresponding beverages