a/n: - okay, so slightly dark. Ben struggling with the forces that have targeted him since he was very young (honestly, I'd read my story 'Whisperings' alongside this). Leia realizing she may have a reason to be afraid of Ben.

Anakin vs. Vader

It wasn't unusual for Ben to be withdrawn and somewhat sullen. Lately, more often than not, he took teenage brooding to an unprecedented level. His outstanding talent for sulking and shooting everyone around him victimized, piercing glares was both aggravating and worrisome, but his mother bore it with the grace she'd been born and raised with.

Leia Organa Solo disliked the melancholy shadow that seemed to haunt her son, and his bad days exhausted her – but she tried to balance her frustration and irritation with understanding, and she tried not to let fear rule her interactions with him – she just wanted to know what was wrong. He'd come home from the school she had him in in a foul mood, and he seemed to be unjustly outraged at her for making him dinner.

"Ben, I want you to eat," she said, pointing sharply at his plate – it felt like the thousandth time she'd given the order, and still his food was untouched, cold now, despite it being a meal that had once been his favorite.

Nothing he used to love seemed to interest him now, and with each passing year she felt more anxious; she berated Luke for answers, and her brother kept insisting that Ben was a good soul, that he was just mired down in a tormented teen phase. Unable to confess to him that she was starting to doubt her son's ability to resist dark temptations, Leia bit her tongue, and buried her concerns.

"'M not hungry," Ben muttered, looking up at her with his dark eyes – he looked unhappy, tormented, and she compressed her lips to keep them from shaking, sighing heavily.

He'd always had Han's eyes; brown, large, expressive; recently, she'd noticed there were days when his eyes looked distorted, black, so unlike his father's. She was desperate to know what was going on in his head, but she couldn't seem to connect with him anymore. It wasn't for lack of trying – she and Han were around; they kept him close, they tried. It was starting to come between them, the uncertainty over what to do, the unspoken dread of what path he might take.

Leia frowned at him, leaning forward on the counter. She stood facing him; he sat on a stool at the casual bar in their kitchen.

"Boys your age are always hungry," Leia pointed out neutrally.

"I'm not like other boys my age," he shot back, his tone nasty.

Leia grit her teeth to hold back a sharp, irritated sigh; she never wanted him to feel like she was blowing him off, or discounting the way he felt, but Ben – Ben had started taking his ancestry, and his somewhat public childhood, to a new dimension of narcissistic.

"Is this about the Academy again?" Leia asked tightly.

Ben dropped his utensil.

"Why won't you send me?" he demanded, a whine creeping into his voice – she always wondered where he got that whine from. Luke had always been a bit of a pro at whining, but Ben – Ben could really get going with it. "I'm trapped every day in that school full of soft-headed politicians' spawn who wouldn't know the Force if it slapped them in the face and I have to listen to those dimwitted teachers talk about my history – "

Leia held up her hands, raising her eyes to the ceiling.

"Ben, you are a politician's son," she informed him. "I know it kills you to remember that," she added, arching a brow – trying to be light about it

He clenched is fist.

"You're different, you're not soft and – they're just so – they've never," he faltered, giving her one of those classic, brooding glares. "I don't have any use for history and astrophysics and languages," he spat. "I should be at the Academy with Uncle Luke, where I belong." He scowled, slumping back on his seat. "Darth Vader's grandson has no place in normal schooling."

Leia smacked the counter top sharply.

"You refer to him as Anakin Skywalker in this house," she reminded him sharply, her eyes narrowing – Gods, it was just another thing to worry about lately; this sudden switch from calling her father Anakin to calling him Vader.

When the time had come, and with Luke's help, she and Han had clearly explained the difference to a much younger Ben, and it had been reiterated continuously that the choice to become a Sith effectively destroyed the old Jedi, that the man and monster were separate. She was afraid to ask why Ben suddenly wanted to be associated with Vader –

"You always try to deny he was both," Ben said moodily. "Everyone stares at me the whole time we get lectures on the Empire, as if I'm going to thrust my hand out," he mimicked the motion as he said it, "and Force Choke some little blonde tart in the front row."

Leia gave him a hard look, and he smiled sarcastically.

"I haven't even learned how to do that yet."

"It's not funny, Ben," Leia said with quiet anger. "It is not funny, even for a second."

"If family can't make jokes, who can?" he snapped.

"You're joking about brutality," Leia snapped. "You don't know what it was like, under his rule."

"Then why don't you and Dad ever talk about it," Ben demanded. "Why don't you tell me what Vader was like, instead of always talking about Anakin, and Uncle Luke, and Bail Organa, and Ben Kenobi, -"

"It isn't a fairytale, Ben; it isn't a bedtime story!" she interrupted. "I don't appreciate this sudden – morbid fascination with Darth Vader – "

"It's not morbid, it's natural," Ben interrupted, glaring at her. "I want to hear his side."

"His side?" Leia asked, her voicing rising. "His side?"

The look on her face startled Ben, and to her surprise, he backed off, quailing a bit. He shook his head hastily.

"I don't mean – I don't mean I'm justifying – no, Mom," he said, trying to pick up some confidence again. "You always protect me and shelter me and coddle me, and you said my whole life people would try to use me because of who I am, but you don't let me learn about that stuff!"

Leia glanced to the side, frustrated, her jaw set tightly.

"Shouldn't I study both sides so I know what to avoid when the Dark Side comes calling?" he asked sarcastically.

Leia snapped her gaze back on him.

"Are you hearing voices again?" she asked boldly.

He didn't answer.

"Ben," she began edgily. "If you're having nightmares, if you're hearing the Whispers, you need to tell me. You need to tell Luke."

"Why?" he asked sulkily. "So you can lie to Dad about it?"

Leia's cheeks coloured slightly, and in a moment of weakness, she took the bait.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked hastily.

"You don't tell him about Uncle Luke's visions, and feelings," Ben said nastily. "You don't talk about Force stuff with him, and you won't send me to the Academy. You hate it. You hate the Force and you hate what we are," he said, setting his shoulders back. He looked at her angrily for a moment, and then he looked down at his food. "And sometimes, I think you hate me."

Her heart throbbed in her chest; she felt for a moment like it was pressing fatally against her ribs, burning, aching, and then she caught her breath, and she shook her head, her face draining of colour.

"Ben," she whispered. "I love you."

She didn't bother asking where he was getting that feeling, or profusely trying to deny it – not for the moment, because the first thing she wanted to do was reassure him – but the pronouncement scared her profoundly; Ben had had poison whispered into his ears before, but it had been – it had usually put him at odds with Han – and now she got a taste for how Han must feel in the moments when Ben baited him; when he couldn't understand why Ben was rejecting him.

Ben shrugged.

"I know," he muttered tersely. "But," he said icily, "I'm putting a strain on your marriage," he said, as if reading the words from a diary, "and you don't know what to do with me, and maybe Uncle Luke is wrong – "

"Stop," she snapped, frightened suddenly. He was pulling words out of her head – not things she was thinking now, but things she'd thought in the worst moments of frustration. She grit her teeth, and clenched her fists to stop her hands from shaking. "You need to resist this, Ben," she told him firmly. "Whatever it is, whatever is planting seeds of doubt in your head – "

"Maybe it's you!" he yelped. "You don't trust me with the Force. You think I'm already a Sith or something – you won't let me train full time – "

"I didn't allow Luke to take you away from me!" Leia told him, raising her voice. "Han and I wanted to raise you ourselves; we wanted you to have a home with us, a childhood, and a life! The old Jedi Order made mistakes, Ben, they ripped families apart. Luke got that much out of his meditations," she implored. "I didn't want you growing up around strangers, especially when there are so many people left who would want to make you a figurehead, and use you – and sending you away would make you think your father and I were scared of you, or didn't want you! Parents, not priests, should raise their children, and I don't care if he is your Uncle. Han and I agreed that you should grow up with a life that incorporated the Force rather than one that was dominated by it – "

"What do you know about it?" Ben shouted. "You don't respect the Force, you only use it for wasteful things like singing me lullabies or checking on me," he mocked. "And Dad – why did you even consult him? You don't tell him about things now, you don't tell him that Luke thinks that insurgent group is after me – "

"The Jedis' policies forbidding human connection and love destroyed them!" Leia shouted over him, losing her control - she didn't like her disparities being thrown in her face, and she didn't like being reminded how dishonest she sometimes was with Han. It was just - she didn't want to burden him.

She set her features stiffly, a mask of parental authority descending on her face; she abandoned her diplomatic civility in favor of stark authority.

"We love you, Ben. We want you to train when you're more educated, when you're level-headed -when you've stopped thinking everything we do, and the rules we make, is a personal offense to you," she said tensely. "I use the Force with you, and you only, because that's part of our connection," she added, her voice shaking slightly. "I want to protect you. I want to keep you away from the kind of turmoil and temptation Anakin Skywalker fell prey to," she added. "Sweetheart," she said, trying to catch his eye. "Stop withdrawing from me. You have to tell me when something's in your head. Do you - really think the way I use the Force is a waste?"

Her voice faltered; what had happened to the little boy who couldn't go to sleep without a comforting touch from her, or a whispered Alderaanian lullaby?

Ben looked away, his expression dark. He scowled.

"I don't have any power over my own choices," he said harshly. ""I'm weak, that's why you won't let me go." His sharp jaw tightened fiercely. "Don't you ever think that the Jedi fell because they shunned a whole part of their power? You can only beat the Dark Side by controlling it."

Leia took a step back involuntarily, her eyes wide.

It was precisely the kind of talk she dreaded hearing from him, and it filled her with foreboding – power was seductive, dangerously so if the one wielding it was convinced he was doing so for the greater good.

She had nothing to say, and Ben stared at her with his probing, sullen eyes, challenging her to respond – before she could gather herself, Han walked in the kitchen, evidently having gotten in while they were fighting.

"What's the yelling about?" he asked, half-cautious, half-amused. He gave Ben a firm pat on the back to greet him, and then stepped around the counter, dropping a kiss to Leia's temple before straightening and looking between them. "How was school, Jedi?" Han asked.

Leia winced, closing her eyes – it was entirely the wrong thing to say at the moment, but Han had no way of knowing what he'd walked into. Han called Ben Jedi frequently, it had been a nickname since he was small.

Ben fixed a sarcastic look on his father and sneered at him.

"Change of career plans," he drawled. "I'm going to become a Sith."

He put his hand over his mouth and mimicked heavy mechanical breathing.

"Hey," barked Han, one of his hands automatically going to Leia's back. His expression hardened. "Watch your attitude, son – what in the hell's gotten into you – "

Leia waved her hand, silencing him. She gave Han a pleading look, and he gingerly removed his hand, clamping his mouth shut. He turned and opened the icebox, slamming some things around, probably looking for a drink.

"Ben," Leia said. "I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to – be there for you."

"You both treat me like a baby."

"You're acting like a baby," Han pointed out.

"Han," Leia said quietly. "If he feels that way, he feels that way."

Han turned around sharply, pointing at Ben around the neck of a water bottle.

"You got a right to feel whatever you want, boy," he said. "You're not gonna sit there and disrespect your mother, and you're not gonna do things that trigger her." Han shook his head in disbelief; he struggled to believe Ben had just sat in front of his mother and imitated Darth Vader - he knew how badly she could react to that bastard, even years later. "You get this rebellion crap out of your system and stop acting like we do things just to spite you."

"Did you just tell me to stop rebelling?" Ben drawled. "If it weren't for a bunch of rebels, I wouldn't even be here – "

"Real clever, Ben," Han growled.

Leia put her hand to her chest lightly and closed her eyes, seeking to defuse the situation; she didn't need Ben and Han sniping at each other, too, not when she was, once again, embroiled in a battle to get him to understand why they wanted him to wait, just a little longer, to go off to Luke's Jedi Academy. She brushed Han lightly with a touch of calm, and reached out to Ben, attempting to soothe his emotions, ease his stress –

"Stay out of my head, Mom," Ben snapped.

Unexpectedly, she found her own power thrust back at her, inverted – and she was shocked when acute pain burst in her head and spilled into her veins. She doubled over and put her head in her hand immediately, frozen, a silent scream in her throat – she hadn't hurt like that since, since –

"Leia?"

Han bent over her, trying to get her hand away from her face. She heard his water clatter to the floor.

"Leia, what's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

She couldn't speak, but she didn't think Han realized right away that this was coming from Ben – something had happened when she tried to comfort him through their connection, he turned it back on her, he made it feel like poison in her blood. She grabbed onto Han with her free hand and forced herself to straighten back up, blinking through the pain. Han's voice echoed dully in her ears, like he was speaking through cotton, and she managed to look Ben in the eye.

He stared back at her, his face pale, a look of absolute horror on his face.

She tried to say something, and the only sound that came out was a hoarse, soft scream – and then a moment later the pain was all gone.

If Han hadn't been holding her arm tightly, she might have collapsed. She felt disoriented and vulnerable, and her vision blurred for a moment. Through a haze of tears, she thought for a moment she was staring at Darth Vader, but when she blinked, it was only Ben, still with that petrified look on his face.

Ben got up and came around the counter, wringing his hands.

"Mom?" he asked. "I didn't know that would – I just wanted you to get out of my head – "

"You did that?" Han demanded, pulling Leia towards him instinctively. His arm slipped around her, as if shielding her from Ben. "You did that to her?"

"Where did you learn to do that?" Leia gasped, ashamed at how unwilling she was to step away from Han – she could see Ben in front of her, contrite, scared, guilt written all over his young face, but she dreaded it happening again, and as much as it pained her to admit it, Han felt safer, right now.

"I thought it would just shut you out – I didn't know – "

Han stepped around Leia and towered over Ben.

"Who in seven hells are you hanging out with?" he shouted.

Ben took a step back, and Leia looked over, taking a deep breath.

"Ben," she said hoarsely. "Calm down."

"I can't," he said desperately. He put his hands to his ears and pressed hard, his expression dark.

She stepped closer to Han and tried to reach out to him again.

"Don't lash back this time," she ordered, genuinely trying to soothe him – it always used to work, a soft, maternal touch, just to ease whatever was bothering him –

He looked panicked, though.

"Stay out of my head!" he shouted again – but this time it sounded like a plea, like he was afraid of what she'd find.

This time, her much more hesitant touch was stopped in a more physical way; the pain that struck her was duller, like he had learned to control whatever he was doing, but Ben thrust her backwards. She lost her balance, swayed, and fell, hitting one knee hard on the floor. Shocked, and out of breath, she blinked, catching her bearings for only a moment. She heard Han swear at Ben angril, and she looked up to see Han grab Ben by the shoulder, raising his hand, palm open, his jaw set firmly.

Leia stood up and grabbed Han's arm, using all of her strength to hold him back.

"No," she said, as steadily as possible. "Han, don't hit him."

She felt dizzy and her hand was shaking, but she held Han's arm back firmly.

"Don't hit him," she repeated, barely above a whisper.

She looked at Ben, and found him staring at Han almost smugly, almost as if he wanted to be struck. After a moment, Han's arm relaxed in her grip, and he let it hang at his side, letting go of Ben's shoulder.

"Go to your room," he snarled hoarsely.

Ben took a step back, and then looked at Leia, the smug expression fading – she didn't look away, but when he moved forward slightly, she took another one of those involuntary steps back. It filled her with shame, because a mother was never supposed to run from her child – but Han put his arm in front of her protectively, like a wall.

"Back off, Ben," he warned. "Go calm down."

Han's voice had a panicky edge to it, and Leia swallowed hard, looking at Ben over her husband's arm. It wasn't the first time Ben's power had manifested unchecked, but in the past it had been so simple and innocent – levitating toys during temper tantrums, childish things like that. This – this was sinister, and this was threatening, and as Han stood between them, dread simmered in the pit of his stomach like a premonition, warning him that if this continued, there'd come a day when he had to choose between protecting Leia and himself from Ben, and protecting Ben from whatever – this was.

Ben lowered his head, and turned, disappearing down the hall. The moment he was gone, Han turned to Leia, concern etched all over his face. He put his hands on her neck lightly, tilting her face up, stepping closer to her.

"Leia," he said quietly. "You're alright," he comforted as calmly as possible. "You're alright. You're safe."

It never ceased to amaze her how quickly he recognized her symptoms; how he still knew what to do after all these years. She nodded and put her hands on his wrists, trying to take a few deep breaths.

"I'm okay," she said in a weak voice. She closed her eyes and opened them slowly, steadying herself.

Han shook his head, his fingers moving gently into her hair.

"No, you're not," he murmured. "What did he do?" he asked, his tone underscored with uncertainty, and perhaps fear. "The first time," Han asked – he'd clearly seen what happened the second time; Ben, throwing his own mother backwards with that invisible power Han hadn't seen used so aggressively since –

Leia shook her head.

"I don't know," she said hoarsely. She bit her lip. "That's only happened – I've only felt that," she stopped, her voice breaking.

"You've got that look in your eye, Sweetheart," Han said hoarsely. "The one you always had when Vader got near you."

She nodded, avoiding his eyes.

"My head," she said, barely able to confess it. "That – pain in my head. Vader did that, on the Death Star."

Han turned, looking over his shoulder to where Ben had stood. He swallowed hard, his fingers still moving in Leia's hair soothingly. He turned back after a moment, and pulled her head to his chest, letting his hands fall from her hair to her back.

"I couldn't let you hit him, Han," she gasped, a sob trapped somewhere in her chest. "He didn't mean to do that. I could see it in his eyes."

"Ahh," Han muttered tensely, his shoulders stiff. He cut his eyes to his hands, and then looked down at the crown of Leia's head. "I wasn't going to hit him, Leia," he promised. "I've never hit him before."

She nodded, and pressed her hand against his ribs comfortingly.

"You were angry," she murmured. "You – thought he did that on purpose."

Han tilted her head up, and drew back.

"Leia, I raised my hand, but I wasn't gonna hit him," he assured her. "I'd already hesitated when you grabbed me," he went on grimly. "He looked at me…" Han paused, his shoulders slumping. "He's never looked so scared of me."

Leia reached for one of his hands, and squeezed it, lacing her fingers into his tightly. She comforted him silently. She wouldn't let Han lay a hand on Ben, and she knew Han didn't ever consciously intended to, but she understood what kind of dilemma he'd faced in that moment – Ben had really been hurting her, and Han had no Force sensitivity. He only had one way of neutralizing a threat, and he'd never been one to think twice about his actions if anyone threatened Leia.

"He did it on purpose the second time, Leia," Han said, his voice strangled. "He's – he's almost bigger than you. He can't – he gets ideas like that about me, and attacks me, I can just hold his arm behind his back until he settles, but you – "

"I think you're getting ahead of yourself," she said in a small voice.

"What was all that about?" Han asked desperately, keeping his volume low.

"The Academy," Leia sighed, though really there was so much more to it than that.

"Him and that kriffin' academy – " Han started.

"Han," Leia interrupted. She swallowed hard, and waited for him to give her his full attention. "I think we need to send him to Luke."

Han faltered, arching his brows – but they'd agreed they'd wait. They wanted their son around, and Luke had a lot of responsibility with the other young Jedi he was training.

"I don't know how he tapped into power like that," Leia whispered shakily. "It might be natural, but...I think he learned that somewhere– I can't go up against it. I don't have the training," she said, and then, in a weaker voice: "I'm scared of that kind of power."

Han nodded, gritting his teeth – it was clear that their ideas weren't working; the things they had done to protect Ben were frustrating him, maybe even backfiring. His brow furrowed.

"Where would he have learned somethin' like that, Leia?" he asked.

Leia bit the inside of her lip – she'd sworn she wouldn't burden Han with Luke's ominous warnings, with the trouble he sensed for their son in the Force. Han preferred tangibles, facts, things he could face; she didn't want to spook him. Ever since Ben was small, she'd chosen not to tell Han every time Luke warned that a threats were seeking to use Ben and his wealth of inherited power. Sending him to the Academy went against her feelings but - she was so shaken; she was at a loss for what else to do.

"I don't know," she murmured. "I have to speak with Luke."

Had this darkness progress from whispering to tutoring? Did something, some yet unrevealed threat, have its claws in her son?

Han squeezed her fingers.

"Don't send him away just yet," he said hoarsely. "Give it a few months – we can't give up on him without a fight."

"I'm not giving up on him," she said tearfully. "Han, I'm afraid of him."

Han looked at her helplessly, and nodded – he knew it killed her to admit it, but how could he blame her? Intentional or not, what Ben had just done had put her right back in place she spent every day trying to forget. Ben's life was fast beginning to mimic Anakin Skywalker's, and Leia didn't know if she could watch him follow in her father's footsteps. Anakin Skywalker she could live with; Darth Vader, she had never recovered from.

Leia closed her eyes and rested her cheek on his chest.

"I can't believe this is what you came home to," she murmured.

Han rubbed her shoulders softly, and then cleared his throat.

"I'm goin' to go talk to him," he said.

Leia shook her head.

"Just leave him alone for a while, Han."

"No," Han said gently. He stepped back, holding her at arm's length. "You're right; I don't think he meant to hurt you like that," he said gruffly. "He might've – you know, he might've got some dumb idea in his head that Vader was cool, or he's a little badass because of who he is, but I'll bet you this set him straight," he said grimly.

Leia considered him a moment, her expression intent. She nodded, and Han bent to kiss the corner of her mouth, turning to go after Ben. She leaned against the counter when he was gone, left alone in the empty kitchen, her eyes drifting around until they landed on Ben's uneaten dinner. She swallowed hard, desperately trying to ignore the tremors going through her, trying to forget that Ben, somehow, had lashed out at her and hurt her like that.

She took a deep breath – she felt like she had no choice; he had to go to the Academy now. He had to go to Luke – that might save him. That would make him realize that he didn't have to succumb to whispers or prove himself to anyone who gossiped and whispered about his lineage. She was afraid she was failing at this. She was afraid of the future. She needed Luke to save him.

She didn't want to live in fear of her own son, but she knew she couldn't help him, couldn't connect with him, if she was nothing but a wary bundle of nerves, if she was always wondering if he'd lose control again – or worse, if he'd attack her, or Han, on purpose.

She'd kept him close to keep him safe, but maybe Ben was right: she needed to trust him, and let him go.

She brought her hand to her face and pressed lightly beneath her eyes, feeling for tears – but the thing was, she hadn't actually cried in years; the weeks and months after the end of the war fourteen years ago seemed to have drained her. She was all scar tissue now – it had its benefits, but it also made her feel hollow.

Leia looked up at the sound of footsteps, and Ben came back into the kitchen slowly, his father at his heels. Han folded his arms and leaned against a wall, watching carefully. Ben fidgeted, standing at the edge of the counter, and when he looked up and met Leia's gaze, she was relieved to find she was looking at her son; that dark distortion in his eyes was gone, and they were replicas of Han's again. Her face softened in relief.

Ben took a hesitant step forward. Han cleared his throat sharply. Ben froze. Leia realized Han must have told him he needed to let her approach – intuitive of him, and wise; no matter how much she loved him, Ben had just triggered her pretty badly, and she wouldn't necessarily be able to control pushing him away if he rushed her.

"Mom?" Ben spoke up, his voice cracking. "I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He swallowed and kept going, his face pale. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry – "

Leia approached him calmly and placed her hands on his cheeks a moment. She pulled his head to her shoulder and wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm sorry," he pleaded into her shoulder, hunching over in her arms – he was just barely taller than her, still grown; he'd clearly take after Han in that respect. Ben started to cry, and Leia caught her breath – it had been a long time since she'd seen Ben cry.

Leia put her hand on the back of his head and ruffled his hair gently. She held Han's gaze over their son's shoulder.

"What's happening to me?" Ben choked under his breath.

Leia held him a little tighter, still silent. She spoke to him quietly, forgiving him, her absolution sincere and her resolve to stay on his side, to always keep fighting for him, strong, but even as she reassured him that he still had their love, and always would, she didn't dare reach out through the Force. She didn't nudge him, or brush soothingly against his presence – something about what had happened marked a fundamental change that could never be undone.

Leia, TFA: "I shouldn't have sent him to Luke. That's when I really lost him." [paraphrased]

-alexandra
story #292