Gravity Is A Harsh Mistress
An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: I don't usually specify the time when these stories take place (preferring a more nebulous 1994-2012 time period) but this adventure specifically takes place in winter of 2003, since Wicked did not premiere in the Gershwin Theatre until October of that year. So Ickis is actually fanboying over Idina Menzel in her role as Elphaba, and the entire Wicked program in general. Remember Gregory Maguire's novel WAS in existence during A!RM's first-run on Nickelodeon so it's entirely possible Ickis was familiar with the story already thanks to Bradley's library, he just never had the opportunity to see it performed live before.
"Which brings me to the final exhibit in our presentation on 'The Dangers of Human Technology'. The cell phone, also known as a mobile phone by certain tourists, is not only becoming more prevalent in the human world, but more advanced as well. Humans use them to talk to each other long-distance, but newer models are equipped with video AND audio playback features. They may use their phone as a radio OR a camera. Therefore if you see a human holding one of these phone, it is imperative that you approach them with caution. You have no way of knowing whether they are flashing your picture, and worse, uploading that picture to the mysterious Internet. It is safer to keep your distance and wait for a less-threatening target to scare. Thank you." the guest lecturer concluded his speech. The students clapped, particularly Ickis, who had stopped listening once he heard that phones could be double as radios. If only there was a way for monsters to utilize that technology! It would sure liven up the Gromble's boring old lessons if every monster could just supply his own soundtrack. "Yakkity Yak" was almost tailor-made to be the Headmaster's ring tone.
"Thank you for the illuminating bit of instruction, Plastoog." the Gromble declared. "It would be wise for all of us to remember your words of- Ickis stop humming- wisdom regarding safe scare strategies. Class dismissed!"
Ickis ran up to Plastoog, hoping to catch him before he went top-side. "Plastoog! Plastoog! Remember me? I heard your lecture, and I didn't fall asleep once, it was THAT much better than anything the Gromble ever says, you should teach here full-time!" he babbled.
Plastoog laughed. "Ickis! I could never forget you, kid. Glad you liked it. But I can't be your teacher always, I got another job back in the human world. It's nice to be down in the dumps every once in awhile, but I'm so used to my old ways, I couldn't give everything up."
"Do you still have the car? That was sooo incredible, riding around with the windows rolled down and the radio going FULL BLAST, scaring any police officer who DARED to pull us over!" Ickis grinned impishly.
"The Gromble himself couldn't pry the steering wheel from my tentacles." Plastoog assured him.
"I drove a car, once. It didn't last long. But the air bags were really fun, not only did they cushion the impact, they tasted terrific!" Ickis proudly stated.
"Guess I better keep you in the passenger seat, then. I need that ride for work, which is also where I got these." Plastoog flashed two shiny scraps of paper. "A gift from my human boss, two tickets to a Broadway show this weekend. Would you like to come with me, Ickis?"
Ickis jumped up and down excitedly. "Yes! Yes! Yes! I love Broadway." he paused. "What is Broadway, some sort of concert? I seen those in the park last summer, they were fantastic!"
"More like a movie, but with humans singing and dancing." explained Plastoog.
Ickis frowned. He knew that some human movies were nothing but trouble, but he was intrigued by the musical aspect. "Broadway's not really full of cutesy-wutesy songs, right? It's closer to blues, please say it is!" he begged.
"It depends on the show. But I think this one should be right up your alley, they're calling it 'Wicked'." Plastoog announced.
Ickis' eyes light up. "No way! They have a book about that, the one with Elphaba and Fiyero and the animals can talk, well the Lion didn't at first, but that was just because he was frightened, you know they took him from his Mother, and Elphaba was NOT going to let them get away with that level of cruelty!" he breathlessly exclaimed.
"Elphaba sounds like my kind of girl." Plastoog agreed.
"She's hideous! If more humans were like her, we wouldn't never have to had from Simon or anything! She would ride her broom clear across the sky and tell him 'Surrender, Simon.' and he'd have to quit cause she's s'posed to be the Eminent Thropp! Y'know it's a mat-ri-mon-ial title, means the women decide what's what in the family. And it makes her the rightful boss of all'a Munchkinland. But she's more interested in witchcraft an' fair treatment for Animals, not a fancy title, that's one of the conflicts between her and Fiyero, they don't really resolve it which is a shame because..." Ickis chattered happily.
"Slow down, Ickis. You don't wanna spoil the whole story, do you?" Plastoog chuckled. "Already know so much, but to hear ol' Gromby tell it you were a functioning illiterate."
Ickis scowled. "That's not true at all! I don't think it's fair the way everybody assumes that if you flunk 37 chapter comprehension tests in the Monster Manual, it makes you an imbecile." he pouted."They don't write that book properly, all the letters are tiny and smushed together and make really long paragraphs and they have maaaybe one illustration every 100 pages. Only Oblina would be interested in a boring book like that."
"Good point. Y'ever tell the Gromble that?" asked Plastoog.
"Heck no! He would Snorch me for breathing if he could, I am -not- deliberately giving him another reason to yell at me. Can you imagine just walking up to him and saying, 'Hey Gromby. Why don'tcha assign a better book? Oh and give us 3-day weekends while you're at it, and stop making us perform scares during Sewerball season.' Ha! Nobody sees the Gromble, not nobody, not no how!" Ickis emphatically proclaimed.
Plastoog burst out laughing. "I don't know kid, sometimes you really do remind me of him. The Gromble had the wickedest sense of humor as a boy. You should'a seen that hissing-cockroach circus he built. Never expect something like that from such a quiet little guy." Plastoog alluded.
"You're just pulling my ears." Ickis insisted. "The Gromble would never be a practical joker... would he?"
"Before we go for a night on the town, you're gonna need to put on this costume Ickis. As far as the audience knows, we are two perfectly ordinary humans, having a perfectly ordinary evening together. In my human disguise, I'm known as Paul Lasting, so don't get confused if you hear anybody call me that. I'll be referring to you as my nephew, Ricky." Plastoog explained.
"I always wanted to do things with my uncle, but we didn't get to... do any before the quake came..." Ickis' voice trailed off sadly.
Plastoog looked a bit chagrined. "It's really more of an honorary title, no big deal." he professed.
"Of course it's a honor!" Ickis was sounding more confident again. "Uncle Yaggy was really brave, everybody said so, they'd see him and declare, there goes a monster with more guts than brains, a regular fluff-head, looks like a goat and thinks like an ox, he's immensely dense but very intense! 'Ya-ha Yaggoroth!' It's quoted in the Academy yearbooks and everything!"
Plastoog struggled to keep a straight face. "Well, that was after my time in school, but it sounds like he made an impression."
"I'll say! This one time, he got his tongue stuck to a flagpole, and my Dad had to help him by looming and breaking it in half. The pole, not his tongue. If he'd done that, I bet they wouldn't got along near so well as in-laws." Ickis bragged.
"Yes, I'm sure they were all one big happy family." Plastoog tried to sound sincere. "Turn around, Ickis. Let me see how that outfit looks front-and-back."
Ickis cheerfully obliged, showing off his baggy sweatshirt, Russian fur cap with the flaps hanging down, jeans, and sneakers. "The illusion is complete!" he declared.
Plasttog was more critical. "Maybe you need a scarf too. Try it out, it'll keep you warmer and cover up your lips some. I'm not about to try telling my boss that I have a nephew who wears pale lipstick. Humans have their own set of guidelines, odd as they may seem." Plastoog straightened the sash on his own trenchcoat, which he wore over a very loose-fitting tweed suit.
"Are we walking, or taking the subway, or your car, or a taxi, or what?" Ickis asked excitedly.
"Subways are more dangerous at night, Ickis. And the taxi charges a claw and a tentacle for a trip through mid-town Manhattan. You and me are riding in style. I parked a few blocks away for privacy. People look at you funny if you roll up to the dump regularly." Plastoog acknowledged.
"Maybe they're envious." Ickis suggested hopefully. "Who wouldn't be? You're the only monster I know who lives in both worlds, working in a cubicle all day and eating sludge all night!"
Plastoog smiled softly. Only Ickis could think being a mid-level corporate employee was exciting, but he found he didn't mind going along with Ickis' misconceptions. He knew a few guys back at the office who could benefit from sharing that same attitude (and it probly wouldn't be too much of a stretch for Fred in accounting to switch from Starbuck's to sludge).
"Don't run so fast, Ickis. The ground here's pretty icy and I need to unlock the car first, anyway." Plastoog pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah let's go, whoooaa!" Ickis skidded the rest of the war to the car, then hopped up and grabbed the door handle in one quick motion.
Plastoog sighed. He was starting to see what the Gromble meant by Ickis being... irrepressible (or maybe it was irresponsible, the Gromble had been grinding his teeth pretty hard during that discussion) but he still admired the kid's enthusiasm. "Buckle your seatbelt kid, and try not to chew on the leather, it's just not worth the replacement cost." Plastoog gently cautioned.
"I can't see anything this way!" complained Ickis. "Maybe if I stood up some?"
"Sit back and relax, Ickis. You can put on the radio all you want, but no rolling the windows down this time. I wanna let the heater run instead." Plastoog informed him. Ickis immediately spun the dial to the nearest Blues station, where John Lee Hooker's "Boogie Chillin'" could be heard piping through the speakers. He drummed his claws along the arm-rest in a perfect rhythm. Plastoog decided not to tell Ickis that he'd seen Mr. Hooker perform live once, there was only so much Ickis-brand enthusiasm the average monster could tolerate. After a few numbers by Leadbelly, Muddy Waters, and Howlin' Wolf they arrived near the Gershwin Theatre. Once again, Plastoog was forced to park a few blocks from his destination. They could see a crowd of humans already gathering outside, waiting for the show.
"I don't see her! Shouldn't she be here by now? What if Elphaba's not coming?" Ickis wailed.
"The actress is already backstage, getting ready with the rest of the cast." explained Plastoog. "They'll let us in shortly. It's hard to wait when you're so excited, isn't it? I remember how Gromby and I used to stand outside the classroom before mid-terms, just waiting for our exams..."
"Your childhood was messed up." Ickis insisted.
"Paul! So good of you to come! Why didn't you bring a date?" asked a man with a booming voice. The woman next to him, rolled her eyes in mock-embarassment.
"Mr. Cohen, always a pleasure!" Plastoog smoothly greeted. "It just didn't seem fair to single out any of my lovely co-workers, and since my sister stopped by unexpectedly, I um, thought I'd take my nephew to see a show. He's never been here before. Ricky, this is my very excellent boss, Mr. Cohen and his wife, Rachel. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen, this is little Ricky." Plastoog stated by way of introduction.
"Hi! Do you 'ship Elphaba with Fiyero or Glinda, cause there's evidence for both in the novel!" Ickis chirped.
"Oh your nephew is so cute, Paul!" Rachel Cohen squealed as she pinched Ickis' cheek. "How old are you sweetie?"
"I'm gonna be a hundred and twe-" Ickis started to say.
"Twelve. Ricky is almost twelve." Plastoog cut him off. "Sometimes he likes to pretend he's older, and already grown up. He'll be twelve in August."
"That's adorable. Don't you worry, Ricky, I'm sure you'll have a growth spurt soon enough, and become as tall and handsome as your uncle someday." Rachel stated brightly.
"My dad always told me, big things come in small packages." Ickis asserted.
Mr. Cohen laughed uproariously. "Well, we've never had occasion to find out, have we, dear?"
"Jonathon, please behave! Don't set a bad example for the child!" she scolded.
"I can't help it." Mr. Cohen reasoned. "For the first time, I feel-"
"WICKED!" everyone agreed.
"Look, they're opening the doors! Let's hurry!" Mr. Cohen called.
Ickis was practically bouncing off the walls as he ran to take his seat. This was going to be the most awesome show ever, he just knew. From the opening montage where Glinda questioned whether Elphaba was born wicked or had wickedness thrust upon her (obviously, she was born that way. It was merely Elphie's bad luck to be surrounded by those who couldn't appreciate the true greatness in a wicked mind) to their days at Dear Ol' Shiz. Of course, Elphaba and Glinda had not been pleased at having to room together (nobody ever was, it seemed) they learned to appreciate each other's strengths gradually. They meet the wise but somewhat gruff instructor, Dr. Dillamond (he could probly teach the Gromble a thing or two on empathy) and of course, the charmingly cavalier Prince Fiyero! Glinda was convinced Elphie needed a makeover to impress that boy, but Fiyero proved not as shallow as he proclaimed when he helped rescue the cowardly Lion. They probly would have had a very happy time together, although the story may have suffered for it, if the Wizard had not waltzed into their lives. He appealed to Elphaba's intellect and taught her how to cast magic spells, but she was horrified to discover that Chistery's wings were to become a permanent feature (they DID make him look more monstrous, but Ickis knew any real animal lover would do anything to spare their pets from pain). Elphaba struggled to reconcile her guilt, and used her powers to enchant a broom so she could contemplate her actions in peace (of course the citizens misinterpreted THAT behavior, and Glinda was so busy being star-struck by the Wizard, she never sufficiently defended her friend).
The next act saw Ephaba being more blatant in her opposition of the Wizard, further cementing her reputation as a wicked witch. The wizard was not entirely blameless, many of his rules oppressed the poor Munchkinlanders, which Elphaba's sister, Nessarose, refused to acknowledge. Nessa quarreled with her love interest, Boq, inadvertently causing him to lose his heart, because he had broken hers. Elphaba tried to repair the damage, but only succeeded in transforming Boq into the pitiable Tin-Man. Elphaba then set off to confront the Wizard personally but even she was beguiled by his charm (Ickis had to admit a certain affinity for him at this point, too. There really WAS nothing more wonderful than hearing others praise your name, particularly if they'd spent ages mocking you in the first place). If she had not witnessed his harassment of old Dr. Dillamond they would have almost certainly teamed up. During her escape, she encounted Fiyero again, who finally affirmed his feelings for her. Sadly, that upset Elphaba's friendship with Glinda, as she also had more than a passing interest in Fiyero. Feeling spurned, Glinda accidentally lets slip that Elphaba can be lured out of hiding if her baby sister is threatened, and the villains conspired to drop a house on poor hapless Nessarose! Elphaba leaves Fiyero behind to help her sister, but is too late to prevent Nessa's death and only witnesses Glinda helping newcomer Dorothy travel down the Yellow Brick Road. (Was Glinda a moron? How could she give away Nessa's slippers, the Gromble would strangle any monster foolish enough to harm HIS shoes!) Elphaba falls into a madness, and reading frantically from the Grimmoire's spells, ends up transforming Fiyero into the Scarecrow, and finally accepts that she will forever be branded 'wicked'. Dorothy meanwhile, encounters the Scarecrow, Tin-Man, and Cowardly Lion, all of whom have their grievances against Elphaba. Boq even goes so far as to suggest that the concern Elphaba had shown him as a cub prevented him from fighting his own battles, and turned him into a coward. They form an army of Witch-Hunters although it is implied that the Scarecrow's heart is not entirely in it. Elphaba manages to capture Dorothy but the horribly ignorant brat refuses to relinquish the slippers, despite them being Elphie's properly and the only reminder of her deceased sister. (How would Dorothy like it if everyone treated her that way? Just let some obnoxious human ever TRY to steal something from him, particularly Mr. Robinson's mouth organ, he would give them the worst fright of their life!) Even Glinda had repented, and tried to warn her former friend of the danger that was increasingly surrounding her. The two girls reconcile, bitterly lamenting that they people meet each other for a reason, and a debt of honor is owed to those who impact us the most. Dorothy then MURDERS Elphaba, and Glinda is horrified to see that only the infamous witches' hat and a bottle of green elixir remain where Elphie once stood. She surmises that Elphaba must have been the Wizard's illegitimate daughter, since he also possessed a bottle of elixir. (So Glinda wasn't a total moron, she had good intentions but was often too full of herself to follow through on them.) Glinda banishes the Wizard and is recognized as a hero by all the grateful citizens of Oz. The curtain closes on Glinda and the Scarecrow, still trying to come to grips with the situation as they ponder the legacy Elphaba had left them. Ickis clapped loudly, he'd never known a fairy tale to espouse such truths before.
It wasn't hard to spot a change in the young monster after that. Oblina noticed Ickis swaggering around town, although for the life of her, she couldn't figure out what he'd done recently that could cause such an ego boost. It wasn't like the other monsters at the Academy were treating him any more respectfully (thank goodness! Ickis had the frustratingly bad habit of turning into a jerk whenever he experienced even the slightest brush with fame and notoriety). Still, a reckless Ickis was almost as unsettling as a cocky one, and she found herself accompanying him downtown on a scare, just to keep a close watch on him. He'd wandered down the South End, creeping along the high-rise apartments that surrounded Battery Park. No monster in their right mind would consider this a potential scaring grounds.
"I hope you're happy now! What possible scare could you have planned way out here?" demanded Oblina.
"I think I'll try defying gravity." Ickis announced dramatically. "And YOU can't pull me down!"
"Are you not being presumptuous? I have not even given you my list of perfectly logical objections yet!" Oblina snapped.
"But you DO object!" Ickis countered. "Why? Oblina, come with me. Think of what we could do together! Unlimited... together we're unlimited!"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry Ickis but I am -NOT- crazy. Crazy bunny!" she lectured.
He ignored her as he climbed all the way to the top of the fire escape and surveyed the city down below. These humans were going to be petrified.
"ICKIS, get down here!" Oblina hollered. He took a deep breath, and leaped. "Not THAT way! Ickis, nooo!" Oblina knew he didn't have the innate pouncing ability to pull off such a scare. She'd never have guessed what he really intended to do. After free-falling for the first 4 storys, Ickis' eyes filled with blood and he began to loom. He tucked his body into a crouching position and leaned forward slightly. By the time he landed on the sidewalk he'd grown to an immense height and he managed to balance his weight carefully enough to brace for the impact.
"RAWWGRAAARRG!" he roared, shocking all the tenants who had the misfortune of looking at the enormous bloated bunny with massive fangs.
Oblina goggled at him. She couldn't remember the last time she'd ever been so impressed by one of Ickis' stunts. "What is this feeling?" she whispered. "Fervid as a flame, does it have a name?"
The madness didn't end there. Ickis has procured a traffic cone, trimmed some of the excess pieces with his claws and painted it a midnight black. He had taken to calling it his "Elphaba hat" and wanted to wear it everywhere he went. On chilly nights, he even added his blanket, or as he now identified it, his cape. At least he hadn't tried to get a messenger bag yet, or started labeling his Monster Manual, "the Grimmoire" but Oblina feared it was only a matter of time. It was bad enough the sort of insanity he engaged in over the weekend, but persisting on wearing that ensemble to class was really pushing the limits.
Naturally, the Gromble agreed with her. "Master Ickis! Take off that ridiculous hat, I don't care how much of a 'bad ear day' you think you're having!" the Gromble snarled.
Ickis shook his head. "I wanna keep it. It's a symbolic gesture. I'm showing my solidarity for the outcasts of the world." he declared.
"I'm sure they already consider you to be their poster child." remarked the Gromble.
Ickis was grinning madly. "A poster! That's exactly what I need, thanks Gromby!"
The Gromble glared at him. "What you NEED is to show the proper respect for an institute of learning, and more importantly, the Headmaster in charge of it!" he roared. "Hats off, Master Ickis! They are NOTHING more than an affectation, representing the more repugnant sublevels of humanity."
"You can learn a lot from humans, sir." Ickis put forth.
"Not half as much as you'll learn from the Snorch." the Gromble stated icily.
Ickis beamed and happily flounced his way to detention. If the Gromble strained he could pick out the younger monster's insistent warble, "Woes are fleeting, blows are glancing, when you're dancing through life..."
Oblina tapped her foot angrily. She'd wait for Ickis to finish a hundred Snorchings if that was what it took for him to learn his lessons. But she didn't believe that alone would ever be enough, so as soon as he entered the dorm she launched into her lecture. "Ickis you cannot keep behaving this way. It's isn't right, a monster squishing on a human female." she snapped.
"Whassa matter, Oblina? Afraid of a little competition?" he quipped.
"Puh-leeze. I'm afraid you are going to get yourself killed. Jumping off balconies while on scares, wearing a black hat that keeps slipping down into your face and obscuring your vision, telling the Gromble that human culture teaches invaluable lessons. You might as well hang a sign around your neck proclaiming 'martyr'." she angrily informed him.
"You don't get it. If you knew what Elphaba was like, how badly she was hurting, but still she kept trying to do the right thing. She's not a villain, she's a victim of circumstance!" protested Ickis.
"She's a FICTIONAL character. A figment of some human's imagination! Elphaba is no more real than Ultra Monster or the Easter Bunny." she argued.
Ickis considered this. "Well, I'm relieved about the bunny thing." he admitted. "But I'm NOT giving up on Elphaba."
Ickis stood outside the Gershwin Theatre again. He was alone this time, but he did have a new Wicked poster. He hoped the gift shop would understand that he lacked the necessary green pieces of paper to purchase it, and had left a jar containing ALL the toenails he'd collected this past year as a down-payment. He shivered slightly, the weather in Emerald City must be preferable to a winter in New York, but he was prepared to make sacrifices. Nothing was going to keep him from his goal. He watched excitedly as a crowd of humans filtered out of the theatre. Broadway guests always left first, but the cast tended not to stick along much longer. Plastoog had told him that most famous humans actually longed for privacy, and tended to make discreet exits. Sure enough, there she was, the Wicked Witch herself. She had removed the green face paint but her appearance didn't really suffer for it. True wickedness shone through. He ran towards her, not even bothering to check for oncoming traffic. Tires screeched and more than a few cabbies honked at him, the last one stopping just inches from his foot. The Witch screamed.
"Stop the car! Stop it! Omigosh, kid, you could have been killed just then! What were you trying to do?!" the woman demanded.
"Miss Elphaba, I'm so sorry! I just had to come an' find you!" Ickis blurted out.
The woman beamed, obviously pleased. "You recognized me without my makeup?" she asked.
"It's your voice, I'd know it anywhere!" Ickis declared. "Just like I knew you weren't really green, but that doesn't matter to me! You could be brown or yellow or apricot or candy-cane, you'd still be AMAZING. You're smart, brave, passionate, and you don't compromise for anything! Girls like that are so rare and... wonderful."
"Kid, you flatter me. I'm not that different from anyone else." she explained gently.
"You are to me! That opening song, I know it's s'posed to be ironic, but I promise to always mourn the wicked. I still miss Mom an' everybody else I never got the chance to know." he confessed.
The actress smiled at him. "You sound like a very sweet little boy. I'm sure she'd be happy to know that." She didn't have much practice talking to very young fans, and this bespectacled boy in a makeshift witch costume appeared to be no older than ten or eleven, although he displayed a level of persistence and earnestness she might otherwise associate with someone older. He deserved to hear something positive, at least.
"I never thought of it that way." Ickis admitted. "I just believed that, if I could see you once, for tonight... Please, Elphie, I came all this way. Will you sign my poster?" he blushed as he handed it to her.
"With pleasure." she informed him.
"Say it's for Ickis." he paused. "Oh! And for Oblina and Krumm, too. They're my best friends."
"Friendship is important. Because you knew them, you have been changed for good." she remarked, while inscribing the poster.
"I've been changed for the better." insisted Ickis.
That night, Ickis drank a mug of hot crude oil and stared at his latest acquisition. The dorm seemed so much more inviting now that it had a Wicked poster in a place of honor. Even from his bedside he could still see their personal dedication and the inspirational message beneath it: DEFY GRAVITY.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: I loved Plastoog from "A Friend In Deed". It was nice for Ickis to have another positive older role model and it's beyond cute how Plastoog gravitates towards both Ickis and the Gromble, seeing only their similarities. Given Plastoog's unique handicap (a human-like face) he was also the perfect lead into the story, as no other monster could have been so accidentally able to turn Ickis into such a Wicked fanboy.