A/N: please note that any spelling errors were not intentional
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.
WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!
by GetJiggyWithIt
Chapter 1 – Bringing Down the HOGWARTS!
The Durlseys were an enormously large and average family. Of course, except for Mrs. Dursley. She had a very horse-like face, which made her uglier than she already was. Now the Dursleys were mean to a wee little boy named Harry Potter, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia's nephew. Their little Dudley found Harry amusing and Harry was his favorite cousin. Of course Dudley would just pinch, punch or insult little Harry.
Now today was a special day for Harry. Today was the day Harry was going to move out of his uncle's house and live with Sirius Black...NOT!! Today was actually his eleventh birthday. He knew that the Dursleys would never remember his birthday so he went outside to the yard to sit on a bench and sang "Happy Birthday" to himself. That's where Dobby the house-elf comes in. Dobby was staring at Harry's arse and said, "Nice arse".
"Hello?!" he yelled backed trembling and honored at the same time that someone had actually said that he had a nice arse. He ran inside and pulled at Aunt Petunia's dress so much until it ripped right off. Harry noticed this too so he ran to his room (prison). Aunt Petunia screamed until she got laryngitis (I was kidding) I don't give a damn anyway. Aunt Petunio had to sew the window curtains to make another dress.
"I wonder who that was?" wondered Harry. "It looked at me in a very strange and mysterious way as if he...or it was hungry. Maybe I'm just crazy or just imaging it. Yeah, that's it. Possibly".
During the night, Harry awoke to the smell of smelly trash. He thought there was a pile of trash on his bed but when Harry looked closer, he saw that the trash was actually was a pile of crap. When he jerked his head to the side, so the crap wouldn't smell as bad, he noticed the same pair of eyes that were staring at his...um arse in the morning that caused him so much trouble.
"So sorry to disturb you Harry Potter, sir, but I have an urgent message to deliver to you," squeaked the little voice.
The figure came out of the shadows and jumped onto Harry's bed. "Dobby's the name. Dobby the house-elf. Dobby's heard many great stories about Harry Potter, sir and Dobby wanted to come and meet Harry Potter" squeaked Dobby.
Harry just sat there looking dumbfounded. "Dobby's message is that...that is Dobby's poop".
"Yeah...that's what I thought...so...um...like what's the message?" asked Harry.
"That is Dobby's poop." repeated Dobby.
"Ewww!! Gross!!" said Harry.
"Yes I know, sir!!" Dobby squeaked jumping up in excitement.
"Clean this up for me you ham head," shouted Harry. "Before the Dursleys..."
"PETUNIA!! I CAN SMELL CANDY COMING FROM HARRY'S ROOM!! HE'S HIDING CANDY!! COME!! HURRY!! FASTER!! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR PORK-CHOP LEGS CAN CARRY YOU, DUDLEY!! LET'S GRAB THE BEST CANDIES BEFORE HE EATS THEM!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.
"Run, Dobby!! Run!!" cried Harry.
Then all of a sudden there was a big boom coming from downstairs- SQUISH!! Someone had just squashed Aunt Petunid's cat!! TO DEATH!! DUN DUN DUN!!
"WHAT IN TARN NATION IS GOING ON DOWNSTAIRS?!" shouted Uncle Vernon.
"The house!! IT'S BREAKING DOWN!!" shouted Aunt Petunia.
"HARRY!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.
"I DIDN'T DO IT!! I mean WHAT DID I DO?!" cried Harry.
"The name's Hagrid!! Sorry fer the intrusion but I've come to deliver some important news. Some so shocking that it will make you jump right out of your seat!!"
"We have no seat you twit!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.
"Whatever!! Here it goes!! Your son, Doodley is...DEAD!!" said Hagrid.
"What are you talking about?! He's right here!!" shouted Uncle Vernon spitting spit into Hagrid's beard which swallowed the specks of spit right up. Hagrid didn't seem to care. Actually, he liked it. He thought it tickled.
"Ahhh...yes I see...well I guess that was the wrong message!! Here it is!! Yer a wizard, Harry" said Hagrid.
"OMIGOD!!" shouted Harry in excitement.
"NOOOO!! You weren't supposed to tell him!! Until he's like 18 of course, and outta the house!" shouted the Dursleys.
"YOU MEAN I'M REALLY A WIZARD!!" shouted Harry in excitement.
"STOP SHOUTING IN ME EAR!! Ok then. Harry come with me. I'll take you to Hogwarts, The School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!! If they ain't taking ya I'll take ya der meself!!"
"OK!!" cried Harry.
Harry followed a total stranger outside to his vehicle. It was really Sirius Black's motorcycle but Hagrid had been bragging about the motorcycle being his that he forgot why he was even here so he left leaving Harry behind.
"HEY!! MISTER!! COME BACK YOU HAIRY BEAR!! Uh-oh!!"
"YA KNOW WHAT?! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF WALKING BY YERSELF AND IN SLYTERIN!!"!" But then Hagid noticed how thin and small Harry was so he had sympathy for him. "I'm sorry kid. If you'd run all the way to Hogworts you be dead by the time yer halfway der. And I yelled at you because I know you're um...a...um...let's just say a size medium and I'm a size...(mumble mumble).
"What'd you say?"
"I SAID YER BEAUTIFUL!! OK GRAN'MA!! AND I'M A SIZE XXXXXXL!! NOW HOP ON YOU LITTLE SPECK!!"
Hagrid yelled at Harry more than Uncle Vernon yelled at him in his whole entire life. His insults were terse like "YER FAT!!" or "STOP PEEIN' ON MY MOTORCYCLE!! YA' SHOULDA GONE BEFORE THE TRIP, YA' LITTLE WIENER!!" At least they made it to Hogwarts fast AND cheap.
"Are you calling me CHEAP!?" yelled Hagrid.
Hagrid had all the things ready for Harry that he would need for Hogwats. Hagrid was expelled from Hogwarts in his 3rd year because of an accident that happened.
"HEY! STOP TALKIN' ABOUT ME!!"
There were many kids waiting to get to Hogwarts. Hagrid got up to the front and seated 4 to a boat and if they were fat like Dudley, Hagrid would put them in a boat for themselves so that they could row their own boat and lose some weight before meeting the all mighty Professor Dumbledore. Harry was partnered up with a redheaded boy named Ron Weasly, a tubby boy named...whatshisface? Ah yes! Neville Longbottom and a girl with a bush ball brown hair named Hermione Granger or some nonsense. They talked to each other for quite some time 'till they reached the castle. When they reached the castle, they met many different kids. They were all talking and sitting down to eat when Dumbledore interrupted them.
"QUIET DOWN YOU STOOGES!! PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORK HAS SOMETHING TO SAY!" shouted Professor Snape.
Dumbledore: "Enjoy!!" and that was all.
They all pigged out. After the feast, the 1st years were led up to their dormitories by their prefect. Anyway they learned that in order to get into their dormitories, they had to learn a password. They had to say a password to a talking painting. She was a fat lady in a pink silk gown...that's not important though...what's important is that they woke up the next morning and went to breakfast.
After breakfast they went to class. Blah blah! Then it was time 4 dinner and they went to bed. The next morning they heard someone scream so they went to check it out. It was Penelope Clearwater! She had been petrified and so was Neville Longbottom! Hermione and Ron went to call Professor McGonagall but she was in the bathroom so they waited till she was finished and then they dragged her by the arm and showed her where Penelope and Neville were. She left them and went to go get Prof. Dumdbledore. Prof. Dumbledore saw them and then he left to gather up all the teachers and students. They "ooohed" and "aahhhed" which got very annoying.
"HARRY POTTER??" said Prof. Snape angrily.
"WHAT?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YOU UGLY, STUPID, MEAN, CHILD HATER BUT MALFOY LOVER, SON OF A..." yelled Harry angrily.
"HARRY POOTER!!" yelled Snape.
"Calm down, Severus. He is just a young lad. He doesn't know any better." Said Prof. Dumbledore. "And anyway we can fix this problem right Prof. Sprout?" He turned to Prof. Sprout. "We can--"
She nodded.
"How could you nod if u don't know what I'm going to say?!" said Prof. Dumbledore.
"Oh sorry sir." Said Prof. Sprout.
"Now everybody please return to class." Said Prof. Dumblredore. And with that everyone left.
(End of chapter 1)