I shivered the whole night. I refused to use any blankets, I felt like I didn't deserve comfort. I couldn't help but remember what I did that day just a few days ago.
I am a horrible person.
There is nothing i can do or say that can take back what I did that day. I hurt her so bad, I could see the happy seep out of her, and it was heartbreaking, it was earth shattering. It was a sight I didn't think I would ever see, a sight I don't think should have ever existed , and I didn't expect to take it the way I did.
Why should she be so happy all the time, why should she be carefree? It's not fair; I hated her and envied her more than anything. I became obsessed with the idea, and I waited for the perfect timing, days turned into weeks, weeks into months.
I tried to think of it as a small joke, but I knew what I was doing when I invited both of them for a long desert drive. I did it because I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be powerful, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be better than her, for some reason I wanted to take everything from her.
Then I did it. It was energizing, it was a rush, a thrill, a god-like experience, I was perfection in that moment. For that small instant I could feel a release in me that I never felt before, It felt like being freed from a death camp you lived in your whole life and being reunited with all your loved ones, it felt like winning an Oscar, it felt like giving birth to your first child, it was true nirvana. What was only a few seconds felt like an eternity to me, an eternity in perfection. After the first shot I didn't hear anything, I could only see my massacre unfold by my hands. She couldn't move a muscle, she was in a state of horrific shock, not one bullet touched her flesh, but they all hit her heart. My eyes briefly landed on her during my first second of attack. My world crumbled down, and I was full of hatred and despair yet again, but I couldn't stop there, I had to attain that bliss again, that perfection needed to become real again, and it did as I continued firing, but the time I spent in that epic tranquility lasted shorter and shorter after every bloody hole I created. The attack on Robbie wasn't any more than four, maybe 6 seconds tops.
It didn't make me better, powerful, or happy; it didn't help fill a void in me or take back my bad childhood. I am a no one now, a nothing, the lowest of the low, I had no idea I could hate myself so much. I was disgusted with myself. I had begged for her forgiveness, she couldn't look at me, she hated me, I crushed her sprit, I shot her happiness, I killed her everything.
She sobbed for hours and hours, not moving an inch from the body, she had his lifeless head in her arms, I sat there watching her. I could have killed her, but I didn't. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of dying so soon after her life was taken from her, I wanted her to suffer, and I don't think I knew why anymore. She didn't hesitate to embrace him, she didn't care that I was still there, that I could kill her at anytime I pleased. She wasn't afraid of me, we both knew that. I will never forget her reaction. It was full of shock, then despair and after awhile she was empty, she was nothing more than a body just there, existing. I wanted to die for having taking her life like that; she was always a happy girl. She never hurt anyone, she was a good person, she was my best friend, and she was full of life and love and could bring a moment of bliss to everyone that would see her smile, or watch her laugh.
For hours I sat there watching her sob over Robbie's corpse, by the fifth hour she grew quiet and fell asleep away from the body. I think she had a complete lack of will to do anything after that, I got up and left the two guns by her side and woke her up. I told her that I would be leavening, and that me leaving the guns next to her was my goodbye. I walked out of that abandoned gas station,I was tired of begging her for forgiveness, she wanted nothing to do with me, and she didn't even try anything to get me back the short time I stayed there with her. She isn't Cat anymore, she's something that resembles Cat, but it's not her. I took everything that ever was, is, or ever will be Cat and obliterated her. I got in my car and heard a gunshot from inside the building; I didn't have to think twice what had occurred. I wiped my tears away and began my return home. I have succeeded