Tokimeki no Doukasen

by Lune Nightingale

Light Elricest When you can't sleep, you tend to think alot about things that shouldn't be thought about. But sometimes, it's better to let things out before they explode.

Title: Tokimeki no Doukasen

Author: Lune Nightingale

Rating: PG

Warnings: This is definitely light Elricest filled with angst. Shounen ai at best and the rating will remain low. Also, the lyrics used in this are Tokimeki no Doukasen (Fuse of Excitement) from the ending of Fushigi Yuugi. Also, fair warning that I've only read the manga thus far, but I'll be getting the anime soon. Please don't flame me too bad... puts on firefighter gear just incase

Disclaimer: I neither own Full Metal Alchemist or the lyrics to Tokimeki no Doukasen... So please don't sue... I truly have no money and I'm still in college. O.o;;;

---

If I call out your name, then

I might suddenly wake up.

It's not going to work out that well for us...

meeting again by chance.

What was I hoping for every night? Without the ability to sleep, my thoughts would cascade down in an onslaught that could leave a person breathless. But that person wasn't me. Who would have thought that pain and weariness could be such a blessing? I suppose they didn't lie when they said that 'you can't truly miss something until it's gone'. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would find it out this way.

Now there are numerous nights all where I sit and contemplate. I've contemplated things so much and so often that it hurts. It's just my imagination though. After all... I can't feel pain. I can't feel anything. But then sometimes in the night when he's in the room with me, I think there is a flutter that seems to echo in my soul. There's something in the way that his hair fans out over whatever he's lying on at the time that makes me for just a moment, almost thoughtless.

It's as though for one brief second, I'm not alone anymore, or it just doesn't matter. Cause he's there, and that's all I need. What else could I need? It's selfish to want more than what I already have. And I'm afraid... because in that moment, he's the only thing in my thoughts. I'm ashamed of myself; should a sibling look upon another sibling like this? How am I looking at him? Sometimes it's so clear, and then it just slips away. It's like every time I reach out to take hold of it, the trance is broken, and my torment returns.

That's the last thing I want. Brother... I can't call out to you. Because you wouldn't understand. In this, I believe that I'm completely alone. Even if you're right there.

In a crowd, you're just looking

at girls with the same hair-cut as me.

You're probably looking for someone.

I wonder if it's your lover?

It was difficult to love someone and want to stay away from them as well. It was even harder when you had to explain to yourself why you avoided them. Sitting quietly, or as quietly as armor allowed, Alphonse watched as Winry clobbered his older brother once again for being so careless. Such a scene was absolutely normal. The occurrence made him feel sometimes that their meetings were just a recording being replayed each time. Every time Al had to collect the small blonde from his heap on the floor after the mechanic laid him out for breaking the precious automail.

Lifting his head to watch the way she glared at his brother, he knew that she wasn't nearly as angry as she put out. In her own strange way, this was how she displayed her affection and emotions that couldn't be expressed. They were so much alike, Winry and Edward. The anger flared in the small Alchemist's golden eyes as he retorted with equal loudness about how she didn't have the right to bust his head in. Al could only chuckle softly.

"At it again I see."

Turning his head quickly, Al's gaze fell on the elderly woman as she adjusted the pipe in her mouth. "They always are, aren't they?"

"You seem down Al, something bothering you?" Pinako turned her eyes to him fully as he remained motionless. He could tell she was trying to analyze him, but there was little she could see in the heap of steel that consisted of his body.

"No, I'm fine." By nature he was calm and quiet, it was often why most never realized how much things affected him. "But I think I'm going to head out to mom's grave while brother is getting worked on."

The old woman gave no expression of feeling as she slowly nodded her head. "That's fine, but before you go Al, let me say something?"

The young boy only hesitated a moment before nodding his head. "Of course grandma."

"If you don't speak plainly, no one will understand you. If you don't speak at all, likewise you won't be heard at all." Smiling wryly, the woman nodded closing her eyes. "Just some advice. I'll be here if you need anything." Patting his leg just hard enough to make a soft thudding sound, she then turned to walk away.

Al remained as he was a moment longer before returning his gaze to his brother. The blonde was now fuming enough to give the impression of steam emitting from his ears. It was a comical sight, but at the same time it hurt. Or that was the impression his thoughts gave. No matter how much Ed screamed at Winry or sent her venomous looks, it was just like her. His way of expressing himself without bearing weakness.

Rising to his feet, he considered telling his brother where he was going, but decided against it. There was no point. And he wagered it wouldn't matter anyway, no one would even notice he was even gone. If they did, at least Pinako knew where he was.

In that moment our eyes met,

I realized it was me you were looking for.

It can't be! It can't be. You're running right toward me.

"Oi! Al..." When he didn't turn right away, a scowl filled the youthful features causing him to look like a child about to throw a tantrum. "ALPHONSE!"

Jumping slightly at the out burst, the younger brother spun so quickly on his heel that he nearly fell over. "Wh-what?" The younger Elric stumbled over his words as the elder narrowed his eyes at him ignoring as Winry detached his arm altogether grumbling about having to fix it completely.

"I asked where you were going." The astute and direct manner in which he spoke caused Al to smile inwardly. It was so Ed.

"I'm going to visit mom." Silence filled the room and the small blonde finally looked away as though in thought. Maybe it was even depression that filled the sunlit eyes and clouded them over.

It didn't last long as his gaze swiftly returned to Al just as clear as they normally were. "If you'll wait till this dominatrix is done torturing me, I'll go with you." A cry of pain filled the room as Winry once again smashed a wrench over the top of his head. "DAMN IT WOMAN! THAT HURT!" Al suddenly clenched a fist at his side as he looked away. That feeling was back, what was it? There was no question, he would wait.

The fuse of excitement

runs all through my body.

I don't want to fall to pieces, so

I've got to get a hold of myself.

The train ride away from the Rockbell's and away from home had been slow, and soon the small National Alchemist was swaying a bit from the weariness. It was excruciatingly painful to have automail reattached. Or so, that was what Al had heard. All he knew was that whenever the two of them were finally alone and away from those they knew, Ed would start to finally wear down. It was almost sad to watch, but at the same time, it reminded him that he was indeed special to his older brother. It was a gift of sorts to the younger boy. It meant that Ed trusted him completely enough to show his true feelings once in a while. "Brother... if you want to sleep, it's fine."

The elder blinked owlishly up at the tall armored body that composed of his brother before grinning crookedly. "You always hen peck. You know I can take care of myself."

"I'll believe that when I see it brother." The hint of amusement in Al's voice caused the older to fume and cross his arms over his chest. "Just give it up brother, I don't mind if you want to sleep."

Ed seemed to falter a moment in his repose before tilting his head to peer at the other curiously. "Are you sure?" In that moment, Al understood. Even though he'd never said it, Edward knew how much he hated having to stay awake and alone. Had he the ability he would have smiled. Had he the courage, he would have lifted his hand to that smooth countenance. Unfortunately he could do neither.

"I'm sure." The wide grin that spread over Ed's face was literally blinding, but at the same time had a frayed quality to it.

"All right then, but you get to be my pillow! Not much room on this seat you know." Without another word, the elder brother pulled his red coat off and rolled it into a makeshift pillow. Plopping it on one of Al's legs, he then flopped down onto it and sprawled out ungracefully over Al and the seat. Closing his eyes of gold, he almost instantly fell asleep.

Al merely shook his head. It was so like Ed to fall asleep anywhere and in any position. For a long moment he merely watched the rise and fall of his brother's chest with apt amazement. There was so much that the small blonde gave him. Without a doubt he knew it would have been more comfortable to just fall asleep sitting up than to use Al as a pillow. After all, he was definitely no feather pillow. Ed did it for him and him alone. Suddenly the thoughts of before didn't matter anymore. And once again his mind lapsed into that one type of peace that only Ed could give him.

A soft snore left the elder then causing Al to tilt his head as the young alchemist managed to roll on his side in his sleep. After a moment longer, Al moved a large hand in order to lightly caress the golden bangs that were framing Ed's face. What he wouldn't give...

Shaking out of those thoughts, the younger brother would have slapped his own cheek had he been able to feel the action. This was ridiculous, what was he thinking? If he kept on this way, things were sure to fall apart. And he couldn't survive losing the only thing that he continued on for. What was this world, this life, if Ed wasn't in it? Nothing. Nothing at all...

But a little bit, today, a little bit,

I feel like a lost kitten.

If you approach me with kindness,

I can't help but follow you.

Perhaps he was just jealous. But wasn't that understandable? So many could look at his brother, and most of them had the ability to catch his eye. Not that Edward ever looked, but the fact remained that he could. There had been a time when he had the same chance, it was only sad that it took losing his body to realize that he wanted his brother to look at him. The more he denied it to himself, the more frustrated he became. So he'd finally given in. It was completely hopeless. This was nothing but a losing battle he was destined to fall in.

He wasn't suave or confident like Colonel Mustang, he wasn't strong and charming like Havoc, in fact, Al couldn't even call himself resolute or graceful like Hawkeye. But why did it matter so much? Because all of them could be closer in a way that Al no longer had. True enough, Ed promised to get his body back, and as much as he wanted it, there were limitations. Like the death of Brigadier General Hughes. Was it worth that?

Pushing the thoughts aside, the young alchemist returned his attention to the little ball of fluff sitting beside his hand leaning into the rubbing motions of his fingers. A soft purr escaped it's tiny body and it drew his mind away from his troubled thoughts. Like always, Al couldn't walk on by the small creature especially when it fell into step behind him. Ed wasn't there at the moment, so he didn't feel the need to press on. Besides, he adored animals. The amazing thing was the tawny fur that glistened with tips of gold to match feline yellow eyes. Somehow it reminded him of his brother.

"Al... Don't tell me... you're picking up a stray again." The flustered voice behind him broke his thoughts but didn't pull his attention away from the little kitten. "Just ignore it!" Unlike the younger, Ed didn't care for animals, at least not that much. He certainly didn't have an affinity with animals either. "And don't you dare ask if you can keep him either!"

Al let out a hollow chuckle as he scooped up the purring bundle. Maybe he was jealous of everyone else, but he had something that none of them could have. Ed always came back to him in the end, even if he didn't look at Al the same way that he looked at his brother. Turning to the youngest National Alchemist, he held the blonde bundle up for Ed to see. "But he's cute brother! And I think he's hungry..."

The blonde twitched as he came almost nose to nose with the ball of fuzz. "Al! We can't have a pet!" At the rise of his voice, the small kitten narrowed its eyes in a mirrored expression of the alchemist before it only to hiss. "That thing's possessed! Put it back!" This only started a glaring contest between the feline and blonde both growling at one another.

Had he the eyes, he would have blinked. "Brother... I think you two are carbon copies of each other." There was a hint of laughter that came from his hollow form that only caused the flames to blaze in Edward Elric's eyes.

"Like hell it is! Get rid of it Al!" Was it just Al, or did Ed seem jealous as he retracted to animal in order to nuzzle it softly. The purring resumed only causing the older Elric to send it a violent death glare. "I mean it Al!"

"Can I find a home for it then? It's probably hard for it to be homeless you know..."

Something in that fiery gaze softened as he looked away with a huff. "Whatever... just do it quick."

There was a pause as Al gazed at his brother. No matter how much of a sacrifice, his brother never withheld anything from him. Scratching idly under the kitten's chin, Al had a wicked thought only to coo down at the little bundle. "I wonder when I find you a new home if they'll let me name you? I think you'd make a perfect Edward..."

"Oh... HELL NO!" Laughter broke out as Al shook his head. "Do you want to be busted up little brother?"

"Don't be so serious brother. I was only teasing." A light red highlighted the older's cheeks as he looked away scowling. "You go ahead and report into headquarters... I'll find him a home so you don't have to tag along."

Ed seemed to contemplate this a moment before lifting his real hand to rub the back of his head. "It's fine... I'll come with you. We... might as well stick together. It's too much trouble to split up and have to find you later anyway." It was then that Al knew without a doubt, that Ed would do anything for him no matter how he loathed it. And he knew it was the same for him. It was the little things that his brother did that reminded him everyday that he'd never falter in his trust for the brilliant alchemist.

"All right. I'd like that."

"Yeah..."

What you said

was so very similar

to the lines that were spoken to me

in the dream that I had last night.

There were no such things as dreams anymore for him. What was it that Greed said to him? 'There's no such thing, as no such thing'. Perhaps his dreams were through his imagination now. It was an imagination that could run rampant sometimes when the silence surrounded him like a suffocating blanket. It was the only time he could play out the scenarios in his head that would never come to pass. Many of them revolved around a certain young blonde alchemist that often slept mere feet from where ever Al would be during that night.

Only the present found him sitting on the floor next to a lit fireplace with a precious bundle curled with its head in his lap. How they'd gotten in that position he really didn't know, but it was just another side of his older brother's spontaneity that he loved. But maybe he was also confusing the moment with another he'd envisioned so many times before, only he had his body instead of the cold hollow armor. Golden spun silk lay out of the usual braid only to pool about over the floor and armor with a fluidity rivaled by molten precious metal. It was almost ethereal to the younger and could only be described as breathtaking.

Rain pattered the window to the outside emphasizing the reason why they both now hid inside from the elements. The temperature had grown colder outside, and with the added rain, Ed refused to step outside today. Not that they really had anywhere to go just yet. In a way, they needed the short moment that found them now basking in the heat of the fire light. Al watched the way the golden light bathed his brother and gave a mental sigh. Unfortunately it came out in a strange sound that he hadn't meant to utter.

In moments the eyelids were opening slowly to reveal slits of yellow gold pools that instantly locked on the figure looming above him. "Al?" The lackadaisical sound of his voice made Al want to just hug him, but he refrained. Was there sadness in his eyes? Or was there something else? "What are you thinking about?"

Moving a bit uncomfortably, the younger merely shook his head. "About a lot of things."

"Oh..." Ed kept his eyes solely on the figure of his little brother before saying softly. "I really... miss your smile."

Taken back, Al knew he would have looked shocked if he'd had his body. "You... do?"

Nodding slowly, Ed finally turned his head to look at the fire almost entranced by the flames that danced in the brick enclosure. There was a forlorn look in the sunlit orbs as Ed drew in a deep breath. It almost seemed as though he were trying to say something but couldn't really get it out. Finally the parted lips closed and he remained silent. Without thinking, a bulky hand moved and one finger slowly drifted down the side of the blonde's face. The touch was almost completely too feather soft for something as cumbersome as those armored hands. Fear. It was absolute horror that filled Alphonse as he realized what he'd just done. But before he could pull his hand away in that fear, Ed reached up to grasp the hand and drew it to press the palm to his chest. Finally turning his head to look up at Al, Ed sent him a beautiful smile. "You know... its ok."

"It... it is?" The voice nearly quaked as the fear refused to let him go.

"Yeah..." Al could tell that his grip tightened on the hand as his knuckles visibly whitened before his eyes.

"Thank you..." The whispered words caused Ed to smile all the more his eyes once again falling half closed before closing completely.

Loving and being loved

has only a grain of chance.

"But, you know, that grain is me" you said.

"Ed..." For a moment he thought maybe the older had fallen asleep until a soft noise of question left the small figure. Hesitating only a moment, he built up the courage that seemed to be fleeing from him quickly. "You know... I'm just joking all the time when I complain about never getting a girlfriend... right?" Not exactly what he'd meant to say, but it was at least something.

Gold eyes reopened slowly in order to peer at the younger Elric curiously before he chuckled sleepily and closed them again. "What brought that on Al?"

"I..."

"You?" One eye opened to peer at him as Ed seemed to gather the nervousness pressed into that one word. "Come on Al, either spit it out or let me sleep." The tone was airy and Al knew he only meant it in jest. When he couldn't find the words to proceed, Ed let out a long sigh before reaching up to brush his real fingertips over the cool surface of the metal almost thoughtfully. "You know I'm kidding right? You trust me don't you?"

"More than anything." Ed's smile intensified at those words.

"Good. Cause as long as it's you that believes in me I can accomplish the things I need to do." Stretching like a cat, Ed wormed his automail arm around one of Al's legs and literally hugged it like a pillow. "So... what's up? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No... Maybe later... I'm ok. Go ahead and sleep." At the mumbled acknowledgment, everything went quiet again.

The fuse of excitement

is sizzling down.

I've got to blow it out right away, or else

I'll surely end up getting hurt some day.

What am I doing? This is so wrong... What if I'd told him the truth? What would he have said? Things never work out like they do in your head. Someone once said that 'if you always expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed'. Funny when that was said, Ed had merely replied 'if you think that way, you'll never try to accomplish anything'. I suppose my silence had spoken volumes then. As young as I am, I'd seen a certain logic in both points of view.

Sadly, being that I'm not nearly as assertive as my brother, I'll probably do exactly as he said. I'll never accomplish anything. If I told him how I felt, then I had a fifty-fifty chance of either being turned away, or accepted. But the fifty percent chance of being turned away was too much to chance at all. I'd never say it, but I admit it. I'm nothing without him. I exist for him. I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of a world without him.

So many times I've wondered what it would be like to just cease to exist. The only reason I'm not dead is because Edward transmuted my soul. Now all I have is a half life. But whenever I have the urge to destroy the mark that holds me to life, I remembered. I remembered those wide golden eyes and how he nearly broke when I finally voiced that it was his fault I was miserable. Only then do I realize that my pain is nothing compared to the guilt in those eyes. My brother may not cry, but I know that deep inside, he can't hold back.

After all, I know him better than anyone. I think the only reason I even considered blaming him at all was because I wanted to break this feeling. I wanted the pang in my soul to disappear. I wanted the love to just fade away. But in the end, I've found that the love won't go away. All I did was hurt him, and that is unforgivable.

Oh brother... I'm scared to tell you because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Yet, I'm already hurting because I can't seem to put out the fire that was started along time ago... What should I do?

But a little bit, only a little bit,

I want to approach you as I am.

But when I can't even touch your hand,

how can I hold on to you?

"Ed... are you sure that's a wise decision?" Al's voice was skeptical as he watched the other stare out the window in complete resolution of what needed to be done.

"It's the only decision Al." Silence fell over the room as the elder closed his eyes briefly before turned to face the metal body of his younger brother. "I'm going to do what I have to do to get you back to your body." Al remained still for a long time and Ed seemed to falter for a brief second. "Al? I thought..."

"Brother... don't say it. You know I trust you. I'm just..." Lifting a hand slowly, he covered his eyes and bent over resting the elbow on his knee.

"Just what?" Ed approached him slowly only to kneel in front of his younger brother trying his best to catch sight of Al's gaze. "Al..." Frustrated and impatient, the blonde pulled the hand away only to narrow his eyes as he obtained the other's attention. Pressing both palms to what should have been Al's cheeks, Ed frowned hard as he continued. "What is it you're not telling me? What is it you seem to think is so horrible you can't utter it to me? If you trust me then prove it!"

Al was frozen. How on earth was he going to respond to that? He knew that his brother had little or no patience, but he figured he'd be able to stretch it since Ed tried hard to humor him. Now he was cornered and he couldn't for the life of him think of what to say. He could lie, but Ed always knew when he was lying. With aching slowness, Al pressed his hand over the one of flesh that rested so softly on his face and he wanted to cry even though he couldn't. Why? Why did it have to be this way? He wanted so badly just to feel that hand, to catch it in his own, but it wasn't even possible. What gave him the right then, to even want to hold him? "Brother..."

In that moment our eyes met,

I realized it was me you were looking for.

It can't be! It can't be. You're running right toward me.

"Please...?" The desperation that filled those sunlight colored eyes nearly made Al want to break apart. It was a desperation that was heartbreaking, as though everything in the blonde's world hung on Al's admittance. How could he not tell him the truth?

"All right... but... promise me?"

"Anything." Ed's face became stone serious again and his eyes took on the strong resolve that Al knew so well. And he knew that he could believe him.

"Don't leave me."

"Al, that's ridiculous. There's nothing that would make me do that." This seemed to make him angry as his brow furrowed. "I can't believe you would even think such a thing."

Al would have smiled if he could. Slowly releasing the hand he held, he gave a slow nod. Ed lowered his hands to rest them on the armored knees but never once removed his gaze from Al's. "I... I don't know how... And, there's no helping it. But... but... if." Pausing a moment, he hardened his own resolve. If anything happened to Ed, then there would only be regret for not telling him. And he owed his brother that and so much more. "I love you."

Ed seemed perplexed for a moment before he rolled his eyes. "You're so not weaseling out of this Alphonse... so spit it out..."

Frustration. It was the closest thing he could pin to the thoughts that now zoomed through his mind. Was his brother really this dense? "Ed... I love you. I'm in love." The emphasis on the important words seemed to make Ed jump ever so slightly only to stare up at Al with a perfect deer in the headlights look.

"In love... with me?"

Al turned his head away unable to be faced with the rejection that he was so sure was about to be thrown his way. "Yes... but it's ok... I don't expect anything from you. So... pretend like..."

Cutting the younger off, Ed nearly threw himself at his brother hugging the armor about the neck with a fierceness that actually toppled the entire sofa with the both of them on it. "IDIOT!" Al was too stunned to react and barely managed to put his arms about the small frame that was now plastered to him. He couldn't see the older's face as it was hidden again the crook of the armor's neck. "Why didn't you say anything! You... you idiot!" Ed's voice seemed to break as he searched frantically for something to say to calm the blonde down.

"Ed... Edward, I'm sorry..."

"Don't say that!" In a moment, even in the awkward position with the overturned sofa, the blonde placed his hands on the broad metal shoulders only to push himself up to stare at the younger with a pained expression. "Don't be sorry... not for that." Alphonse couldn't move. What was that look his brother was giving him? "I... damn it! You don't know? Do you not know me?" Slowly the voice went quieter till Al could barely hear him.

"Brother...?"

"I love you too..."

The fuse of excitement

runs all through my body.

I don't want to fall to pieces,

so I've got to get a hold of myself.

"You... you do?" The shock value was evident in the voice as Al kept his gaze glued to the slowly wilting blonde over him. "Ed..." All at once his thoughts seemed to lighten on his conscience only to increase tenfold. "But..." The elation of the soul was suddenly snuffed out as it finally occurred to him. "You shouldn't..."

Eyes of gold widened to saucers at this only to glare at him incredulously. "What? Why?" surprisingly, the voice was soft and contained considering the short fuse that Ed seemed to have.

"Because... I can't give you anything that you deserve... You deserve more."

"I think I have a right to decide what I need, want, and deserve." Still glaring at the other for a moment, Ed closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It's because you're in the armor... isn't it?" Al was stunned, but all he could do was look away. "Al..." Leaning closer, Ed finally placed his head on the cool metal and closed his eyes. "I will get your body back. So please... don't use that as an excuse. Besides... the body doesn't make the person."

Al smiled inwardly at this thought as he slowly but carefully placed one arm about the slender waist. "That's true..." The soft admission was enough for the blonde as he didn't respond. "Doesn't matter... I couldn't stop loving you anyway... And I wouldn't be able to win against you either. You're too stubborn..."

"Glad you realize that." Ed huffed, but didn't move. "I promise... I'm going to give you your happiness back... I'm not giving up. I'm going to see you smile again."

Nodding more so to himself, Al slowly traced nonsensical patterns over the small of Ed's back. "I know you will..."

But a little bit, today, a little bit,

I feel like a lost kitten.

If you approach me with kindness,

I can't help but follow you.