A/N: This is my first attempt at fanfiction. This story's premise is that Keller's "interest in someone else" is Rodney and that she did enter into a relationship with him. But doubts and questions arise when her "idealized" Rodney who interested her does not match the real-life Rodney. For all Ronan/Keller shippers, please bear through. I promise the best man will be the victor.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters of Stargate Atlantis. In fact I own nothing.
Jennifer sat in the corner of her quarters with her legs drawn up. Her chin resting on her knees with her arms wrapped around her legs, hugging them to her chest. She had been sitting there for what seemed forever just staring at the end of her bed. The questions had been growing stronger in her mind for days now and tonight they had come forward full force causing unshed tears to form and preventing her from being able to rest next to the man, whose breathing she could hear coming from her bed.
"When did they start to go wrong?"
That damn question forced itself to the front of her conscious mind. No matter how hard she tried tonight to suppress it, it refused to go away. She had tried thinking of other things, working on the formula, taking inventory of her few knick-knacks, counting the spots on the floor, even downing a dose of Nyquil in hopes it would put her to sleep, but no, it had come to stay and would not go away. For the past few days, oh hell lets be truthful, the past few weeks, the question would occasionally pop into her mind. It would present itself at random. Sometimes, she would be busy with work and it would just pop in her head or he would say something or do something and there it would be. But those times, she was able to do a quick shake of her head and it would disappear. Tonight, though the shaking of the head had not helped. She had shook and shook and shook... but all that happened was a major headache. She had finally conceded that the question was not going to go away. Tonight, it was standing up full height blaring itself to her like a siren in the dead of night. Tonight, it was going to be heard and she was going to have to face it. Tonight, it was going to make her face the fact that things had gone wrong.
But why had they gone wrong?
Everyone believed she had been clueless about his interest in her, but she knew, hell she probably was able to tell before he knew. He was many things. Subtle, he was not. His stammering over words, his quicken speech pattern, his inability to form cohesive, rational thoughts were all dead give aways. She knew. Hell, even without his confession of love in a child like state to a video camera, she would have known. She would have to have been comatose not to recognize his interest for her when he gave up his off day to help chaperone her while she treated a village full of people sick with influenza. Hello! We are talking about one of the most germ-a-phobic individuals in at least two galaxies! Also, for him to give up a whole day of potential research and science to follow her around- not subtle. He would have been less apparent in his interest of her if he had posted a big banner in the control room stating "Rodney Likes Jennifer".
So where did they go wrong?
She did not rush into this relationship. She did not fall head over heels. She did not have a couple of drinks, sleep with him, and then try to build a relationship. No, she had been reasonable, logical, and cautious. Yes, at first, his ego and his conceit were off putting, but she prided herself on looking past the exterior and understanding the true nature of an individual. She always believed that many of the off-putting behaviors people reflect in social situations are covers because they feel the need to impress others. Therefore she always looked for inner person, the "true" nature of a person, to determine if she could like the person. She felt that she was very mature in she always based her attraction to a male on his character, his intellect, his inner-true-self and not on the physical traits. So, she had set to look deeper at Rodney. She had taken time to talk to him, spent time with him in order to understand him so she could know the inner Rodney, the "true" Rodney. And in the beginning, the inner Rodney did interest her. He was attentive. He would sit and listen to her talk about her work, her family, her life, for hours without seeming bored or uninterested. He would compliment her on her work and accomplishments without a hint of a condescending tone. He even allowed her to display her intelligence without belittling it or interrupting with comments about his own "supreme" intelligence. When she had indicated to him that she returned his interest and would like to be in a relationship with him, he was astonished and amazed. By the look on his face after she told him, one would have thought she had handed him 10 ZPMs. He had did a small dance and then made a beeline for the mess-hall before she could bat an eye. He had announced to his team about his joy, his luck that she wanted to be with him. He acted so astonished, so amazed that she chose him that she didn't even try to curb his enthusiastic announcement. In hind-sight though, she wished she had because the look on Ronon's face when Rodney had run to the table where Ronon sat and told him before anyone else….
No, can't think about that.
She had taken his astonishment and amazement for face value. She began to believe his conceit was a shield, a diversion to keep people from seeing the man that doubted and did not believe in himself fully. She thought Rodney was letting her see another side of him that he hid behind the conceit and selfish nature. That night, she believed that she had glimpsed and found the "true" Rodney. The "true" Rodney she thought she saw in those first few weeks of dating was a Rodney who was caring, loyal, and humble. The person she saw was person who was not truly selfish, but in his own way promoted the growth of others. He was someone that was willing to sacrifice his time, his work, his well being to promote and help others.
Can anyone say 'Rose-Colored Glasses'?
Rose- colored glasses her ass!! Someone in the mess hall must have been slipping a serious amount of opium in her morning cereal for her to have been that delusional. He did not promote or support the growth of others. He didn't show or demonstrate pride if she was praised or if she was given accolades for accomplishment in her work—no he got pissed and refused to talk to her for days. Self-sacrificing? Yes, maybe, possibly. Yea he would give up some of his time to help out or do something with her. Yes, he had occasionally taken time away from his work so they could do something fun together or to come see her when she called stating she was about to cry due to a stressful day at work. And after Ronon stopped his sparring lessons with her, Rodney had even volunteered to sacrifice the well being of his body so that she could continue to hone her skills. But, all the "sacrifices" he made came with a price. A day doesn't go by now, without him making some snide little comment about his "sacrifices" in the relationship then following the little comments with a "reminder" that by his calculations, the number of "sacrifices" he has made for their relationship seems to be greater than her number.
Why did he stop her lessons?
Well, if she was honest with herself, she couldn't say he actually stopped her lessons because for him to actually stop her lessons meant her actually having a conversation with him, which meant her actually seeing him to talk to him. Yes, she had seen him. She and Rodney had eaten dinner with him and Teyla and Sheppard many times, but the few times she had, he acted like she didn't exist. No, that wasn't exactly it. He would acknowledge her and would respond to her if she spoke to him. Now granted his responses, were short, to the point, and left no openings to begin a conversation. But kicker, the thing that made a little knot form in her stomache when he responded to a question or acknowledged her, he did like she was a stranger. When he looked at her, she no longer saw any warmth or friendliness. Hell, she would have been happy to see hostility or hatred reflected back at her, but no, when he looked at her, she saw… nothing. He was looking at her but he no longer saw her. She was nothing.
Ronon…?
NO! She could not dwell on him. She must stop the thoughts and questions surrounding him. She only cared for him as a friend and she had been honest with him. If this was how he was going to respond to her honesty, then fine. She would live and eventually, she sure the hell prayed, that this compressed, pounding ache in her chest that occurred whenever she realized he no longer saw her would go away. She couldn't dwell on him. She had to stop these questions. She had to concentrate on Rodney because she….? She...? Ok, now was so not a good time to be at a loss of words for the feelings she felt for him.
How did she go wrong?
That one question, one stupid question, released the floodgates. Her tears coursed down her face. The tears turned into sobs. She couldn't stop them. They overtook her and made her gasp loudly. She quickly stood and rushed to the bathroom, shutting the door and slowly sliding her back down the door until she rested on the floor. The sobs racked her body. Her shoulders shook, her stomach cramped and she just let them overtake her. She did not realize she was making any noise until she heard sheets rustling on the bed. She pressed a fist to her mouth and bit down trying to stop the sound. She had to be quiet. She could not deal with anxious or concerned Rodney at this time. She bit down hard drawing blood, welcoming the metallic taste. After several minutes of no further noise outside, she turned her head upward towards the ceiling. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow freely down her face. It seemed an eternity before the sobs subsided and the tears only trickled down her face. She balled her fist and swiped her eyes and cheeks, removing the evidence of her distress from her face. She stood up and turned to the mirror. She stared at her reflection. The swollen eyes, the red streaks marring her cheeks reflected back at her. Reminding her, things were wrong.
So, wrong.
Yes, things had gone wrong but she was not weak. She was Jennifer Keller, the fucking CMO of this expedition. If she could repair the damage from a bullet, then she sure as hell could repair what was wrong with her relationship. She and Rodney worked in the beginning and she was going to make damn sure they worked again. With that thought, she exited the bathroom and made her way to her bed. She stared down at him, the man she ….? Why the hell was it so difficult for her tonight to connect with her feelings for him? She cared about him. She enjoyed him. He made her laugh at times and she was comfortable with him.
Comfortable?!
What the hell? Comfortable is how you feel for an old pair of pants or pajamas, not your boyfriend! She needed some sleep. She was overtired and confused. In the morning after a much needed rest, she would be able to think clearly and have no problem with expressing how she felt about him. She eased in beside him in bed turning to face his back. She traced the outline of his back with the tips of his fingers. He stirred slightly causing her to stop. Yes, tomorrow things would be better. The questions would go away. She just needed a good cry to sort things out and remember the things that interested her in the beginning about him. And if the cry didn't help her remember what made her interested in him, then she would find the person who had stopped putting the opium in her morning cereal and bribe them to start putting it back in. Yes, there was nothing wrong. All people get nervous in relationships and that was what caused all this turmoil and all the questions that occurred tonight. Her nervousness about being in a committed adult relationship had gotten to her and caused her to question herself and what made her interested in Rodney. That was all this was..
Everything would be fine!
She could see the beginning rays of the sun peaking through the window shields. A glance at the clock told her she only had a couple of hours before she would have to get up and head to the infirmary. Thankfully, she only had a staff meeting to attend and to complete the schedule for next week. After that she could come back to sleep. He would be gone by the time she returned but she would see him later and she would have no more questions to disturb her time with him. She closed her eyes. There was nothing wrong. Just being overworked and nerves. Yep, that was the problem- nothing more. Everything was going to be fine.
"Are you sure?"
Damn, Damn, Damn. When would these damn questions stop bugging her? And, why did her mind ask that question in another voice than her own… a low, husky voice that sounded almost like a growl?