In My Name, in a Place Called Home

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX and all its characters belong to Squaresoft/Square Enix. I only own the pleasure of writing.

My heart still has not accepted our farewell, and my mind still cannot comprehend that this is truly the end of our journey.

I asked him for one more thing after binding him to a promise that neither of us knew if he could fulfill. I had only mere moments to decide what I wanted to take away with me—something more than a hug, more than a kiss, more than beautiful but fleeting words that would mean nothing in the end.

He gave me his dagger without the slightest reluctance, eyes wide and filled with confidence and unspoken trust as he placed the weapon in my palms, the blade gleaming as brightly as it had the day it was first unsheathed before me.

And now, even in the night, its surface captures the darkness around me. I hold the dagger up easily with one hand, remembering it to be heavier the last time I stood at this very spot—a steep downward incline of a hill that bridges all I had left behind and the beginning of an incredible adventure taken with mirth and tears.

A frigid breeze from the Ice Cavern merges with the warm countryside gust that propels the wind mills of Dali. I feel as if I am caught between two worlds, two of too many out there I discovered with Zidane.

Everyone has returned to a place called 'home', and I wonder if Zidane has found his…wherever that may be, whomever that may be with. He always talked about home, that blue light in his dreams, which eventually dimmed to a flame among shadows, a ghost he chooses to let haunt. Anger ruptures within my chest when I think he has chosen to go back to a phantom, finding his home with the person who had destroyed many. I grip the dagger tighter, tears gathering at the corner of my eyes as I begin to believe that Zidane chose Kuja over us, over me.

It only takes me seconds to realize that I allowed my selfishness and irrationality to take over. I'm stronger than that, I know, because I had not decided to call myself Dagger without reason.

I step closer to the edge of the cliff. The grassy field below me expands but not without limit. There is nothing surrounding me besides a frozen cavern, a desolate town, the long stretches of shrubs and aged rocks, and the existence of the breathtaking stars made known only to me and the sparse population of Dali. Where I am is no mystical Madain Sari, nor is it regal Alexandria, but I cannot think of a place that feels more like home than here.

They used to call me Sarah, a little girl blessed with the ability to summon Eidolons. She was a little girl brought to life by forgotten memories and echoes from stories lost in time. Then they called me Princess Garnet, a title that was never rightfully mine. I was never given the chance to forge my own identity, until I met Zidane.

A cunning thief…and a weapon that was befitting of his character—deceptive and stealth-like, treacherous. I smile at the blade in my hands, and that rush of exhilarating, dangerous excitement that defiles the sanctity of Her Highness's heart sweeps over me once more, as forceful as it had one year ago. I was so naïve at the time, a princess who absolutely spoke and acted like one. I could not have made that known though! I knew then I had to be called Dagger, concealed to deceive, deadly when delivered, just like his beloved weapon.

And at this moment, I realize something that had never occurred to me. Laughter spills from my lips, filling the barren land around me. I had already been deceiving others, including myself, long before I met Zidane. I was never the real Princess Garnet. I was a girl with a horn living in one of the poorest villages. I could not have been farther from the line of royal descendants.

Now Zidane, he was real royaltlty. Prince of Terra.

But he never saw me any differently. To him, I was always Dagger, my own person.

And he was, and is, Zidane…the person who has shaped me into who I am today. He is a part of me, my identity, my name, my home.

I suddenly stop laughing as I feel a lump swell against my throat. Tears have not burned my eyes this badly since Mother's death. No longer worried about showing my weakness to others, I allow the shivers to take over my body. I fall to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest to steady the trembles. Not even a day has passed since Zidane's departure, and I already feel like I may never see him again. My tears stain the dagger, its bright blade catching the reflection of my swollen, pink eyes.

I allow but a few moments to release everything I had locked in my heart. There had been no doubt in my mind that he was going to leave with us. I had thought my confession could wait; after all, it felt like we had our entire lives ahead of us. Now, I cry for the regret of not telling him how I feel when I had the chance, I cry for the pain that follows, but I cry the most for the possibility that he may never come back.

I rest his dagger against my chest, willing the tears to cease. It will take some time, but I have to begin to understand that even if he is not coming back, he will always be a part of me and everything that I am.

Yes, I have to keep telling myself that.

And it starts right now.

-Fin

A/N: I started playing FFIX again about a few months ago and it brought back so many great memories. The idea of Dagger's multiple identities, names, titles, and homes came to mind so I decided to put them all together in a short story that focuses on her thoughts. I also looked more into the symbolism of a dagger and related it to Garnet's alias. It feels pretty damn awesome to write a FF9 story after more than ten years. Thank you for reading!