Author's Notes: I do not own Doctor Who. This story is part of the Regarding Mrs Smith ficverse, set after the events of The Interaction of Human and Time Lord Gametes but before the aforementioned story. In other words if you're completely new to this, the Doctor and Donna are married and trying for a baby, but no baby yet. Oh, I am no Roman history expert, I got a lot of it from Rome and reading Wikipedia after I watched Rome, so I make no claims at historical accuracy. Thank you so much, let me know what you think and happy reading!
Donna awoke to the sound of bleeping.
She opened her eyes, not daring to gaze at where the sound was coming from because she knew where it was coming from. It obviously emanated from the screwdriver connected to one overly concerned Martian.
"Stop bleeping me!," she shouted.
The Doctor mobed back, startled. "What? I wasn't-"
Donna tossed the bedclothes aside and turned to face her husband, who was trying to put the sonic screwdriver back in his breast pocket as nonchalantly and quickly as possible. "I thought we agreed you weren't going to poke your nose into places it doesn't belong-" Donna began.
"Well, when you say where 'it doesn't belong'-"
Donna groaned. "It doesn't belong there!" She sighed. "You are entirely too anxious about this. I'm not going to wake up and have a physical every morning until I fall pregnant. Besides, you can't just have sex and wake up the next morning and expect to be pregnant! It doesn't work like that."
"It does for Time Lords," the Doctor said quietly.
"I'm not a Time Lord, Time Lady, whatever, I'm not it. I refuse to drive myself mad with this. I'm not going to become Eliza."
"Who's Eliza?"
"My friend, Eliza, she spent three years trying to get pregnant, it was all she could talk about, drove us all mad and became unbearable. I will not become Eliza."
"Donna, you will not become Eliza."
"I know I won't, but what about you?"
"I don't even know Eliza!," the Doctor said plaintively.
"Doctor, when I'm pregnant, I want to be the first to know, alright? You can't take that from me. It's my body, I ought to be getting the first updates on what's happening with it."
"Yes," the Doctor muttered.
"No more bleeping?"
"No more bleeping," the Doctor agreed.
Donna smiled. "So, where are you taking me today, Time Boy?"
The Doctor smiled back. "What about the beach? Etuna Seven, about two hundred thousand years before your time. No lifeforms, we'll have it all to ourselves."
Donna smiled. "No rozzers, then?"
"No."
"You're just looking for places to make ginger Time Babies, now, aren't you?"
"No, there are some interesting geological features. I could give you a brief overview of the geological history, we could take a hike-"
Donna rolled her eyes. "Please stop talking about geology. I just want the two of us and the beach."
The Doctor grinned. "Yes, ma'am," said the Doctor giving Donna a kiss.
Donna got ready for the beach, putting on her swimsuit, a sarong, sandals and big, floppy hat. She joined the Doctor in the console room where he was fiddling with the controls with a look of extreme concentration on his face.
"What's wrong?," asked Donna.
"I'm having trouble adjusting the TARDIS controls," said the Doctor. "She's being uncooperative."
"Well, maybe if you didn't hit her with a mallet, she'd be nicer," said Donna.
The ship hummed in soft agreement.
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "It's not that-" said the Doctor.
At that moment, the TARDIS brakes began to grind. Donna grabbed onto the console for balance as the Doctor struggled with the controls.
"What is happening?!," Donna shouted.
The Doctor looked to the console. "Uh, well... I don't know."
Donna rolled her eyes. "Great."
The TARDIS stopped moving. Donna looked at the Doctor.
"Well," said the Doctor, "that's something, I suppose. Let's have a look outside, shall we?"
"Let's have a look outside he says," Donna muttered.
They stepped outside into a great room. It was dark. Donna could make out some hieroglyphics by the light coming from the TARDIS door.
"This is not the beach," Donna concluded.
"Oh, look, there's sand at least," said the Doctor.
"What is this place?," asked Donna.
"It looks like a tomb," said the Doctor. He walked to an unlit torch and used the sonic screwdriver on it, lighting it aflame. He picked it up as Donna followed him around the tomb past collections of jewels and golden statues. "Rather a posh one."
"We're in a tomb?," asked Donna.
"Yes, Egyptian-"
Donna's face dropped in alarm. "Egyptian?! As in we're going to be cursed and die a long, slow horrible death Egyptian tomb?"
"Oh, Donna, don't be superstitious, there are perfectly logical explanations for all of those deaths-"
"You mean you?," asked Donna.
Just then, the Doctor saw something that knew would indicate a long, slow, horrible death. At least for him.
"We should go," said the Doctor.
"Wait, we're going?," asked Donna.
"Yes, yes, curse of the mummy and all that, allons-y!"
Donna tilted her head to look at him. "You want to leave?"
"Yes, Donna, it's terribly dangerous in here. I mean, look at all this sand. Can't be very hygienic, now can it?"
A huge door opened. Light came pouring in. They were soon met by fierce-looking men with angled swords.
"Her Royal Highness, Daughter of Isis, Mistress of Sedge and Bee, Cleopatra of Egypt!"
After an escort of female servants, Cleopatra entered. She smiled coyly, which Donna didn't care for at all. "Doctor. Here at my hour of need. What a valiant man you are."
"I was just uh, well, uh, well, uh, Cleopatra-" the Doctor stammered.
"Oh, do call me Cleo again," she purred.
Donna looked at the Doctor. "Cleo?"
"My dear Doctor," said Cleopatra, laying her hands on the Doctor's lapels.
"Step off, Cleopatra," Donna said sharply, removing the queen's hands.
Cleopatra looked at the Doctor. "Who is this peasant who dares to put her hands on me?"
"His wife!," said Donna.
"Your wife?!" Cleopatra glared. "You said you could never marry!"
"Oh, yeah, we've all heard that all alone, last of the Time Lords load of bollocks," said Donna. She turned to the Doctor. "How do you know her?"
"I helped her with this thing, there were these aliens working with her brother and I rolled her in a rug and got her to Caesar-"
"Yeah, I know that story. So, that's all on you then," said Donna.
The Doctor looked at Donna. "You never said you had studied Roman history."
"Well, yeah, I watched Rome."
The Doctor frowned. "What do you mean you watched Rome?"
"The television program," said Donna. "Duh."
"Oh," said the Doctor.
"And let me tell you one thing," said Donna. She pointed at Cleopatra. "I don't like her."
"Impudent!," Cleopatra shouted. She motioned and the men with scimitars approached. The Doctor put himself between them and Donna.
"Doctor, I cannot tolerate this insolence!," said Cleopatra.
"I can't tolerate you," said Donna. "What? You're surprised that not all of us are impressed that you can sleep around and make men act like idiots? What a narcissist. No wonder you two got along."
The Doctor looked at Donna. "You think I'm a narcissist?"
"I think you have a pretty high opinion of yourself," said Donna.
The Doctor shrugged. "Well, really, why shouldn't I?"
"That's what I'm talking about," said Donna.
"You permit her to speak in this manner?," asked Cleopatra.
The Doctor shrugged. "I can't stop her, really."
Donna smacked him on the arm. The Doctor turned to face her.
"Ask me what it's for and I'll do it again," she warned.
"Cleopatra!," called a man.
They watched as an older man with something of a paunch entered He was in Roman dress, but Donna couldn't help but notice how short his toga was.
"Mark Antony!," the Doctor said excitedly. He looked at Donna. "Donna, it's Mark Antony!"
"Where?," asked Donna.
He frowned. "Uh, right in front of you. He just walked in."
Donna looked at the man. "He looks nothing like James Purefoy."
"James Purefoy?!," the Doctor exclaimed.
"Who is James Purefoy?," asked Cleopatra.
"And what's with that skirt?," Donna asked.
"Who is he?," Antony asked
"This is the Doctor. He's come to help us," Cleopatra said with satisfaction.
"Oh, well, I don't know if I'd phrase it quite like that, Cleo," said the Doctor.
"You see, we've just been at Actium-" Cleopatra started.
"And you lost," said Donna. "The Roman army is right outside the walls and basically, you're finished."
"We are not finished!," said Antony.
"Um, are you or are you not inside a palace surrounded by a bunch of angry Romans with no hope of escape? And what is with that skirt? Honestly! Did she pick it out?"
Antony seemed flummoxed. He turned to Cleopatra.
"The Doctor has immense power," Cleopatra said confidently. "I've seen it myself. If anyone can help us defeat Octavian's army, he can."
"Get ready for a long speech, Cleo," said Donna.
"You see," the Doctor began, swallowing a bit in hesitance, "most people think time is a linear progression from point to point, but in actuality is a big ball of timey wimey stuff and when you unravel one bit, all the other bits unravel and start ravelling into other balls and the universe falls out of balance-"
"You won't help me?," Cleopatra spat.
"What? Shocked a man turned you down? Had to happen sometime, didn't it?," said Donna. She looked at Antony. "You poor, stupid man."
"What?," asked Antony.
Donna just shook her head. She turned to the Doctor. "Do we have to stay here and watch the end of their downward spiral? Because I already watched James Purefoy kill himself and I cried. If there's nothing I can do to change it, I would just as soon go."
"Actually-"
"We do not have to stay, do we?"
"Well, something pulled us here, Donna," said the Doctor. "We ought to investigate and find out what it is."
"I thought you said it was just the TARDIS being funny."
"Well-"
Donna closed the distance between them to whisper. "Doctor, I am not going to stay here to watch these two off themselves, so let's just get in the TARDIS and go. Or do you want me to stay and start asking questions about how you started calling her Cleo?"
The Doctor turned quickly to face Cleopatra and Antony. "Well, as I said, we had better be off. Big universe and all that. Have fun, you two."
"You know, as much as you can," said Donna. "If you're thinking about having an extra piece of chocolate today, I say go for it."
"Chocolate?," asked Cleopatra.
"Don't worry about that," said the Doctor. "Won't be discovered for a while yet. Allons-y!"
The Doctor and Donna went in the TARDIS. Cleopatra, Antony and their entourage watched as the brake ground and the blue box dematerialized. They continued to watch as she materialized, once again landing in the soft sands of the tomb.
The door opened. The Doctor stepped out, then Donna. They looked over at their observers.
"We're stuck in Egypt."
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, we are."