Author's Note: I recently logged onto Fiction Alley dot org after a long hiatus, and on the SCUSA board, the Severus/Lily thread had some questions about their relationship after the scene of "Snape's Worst Memory". Specifically -- how did they react towards one another; did Lily remember the friendship later in life; and did Severus ever use the word "Mudblood" again? I typed a reply there like normal but thought it might be fun to write a little one-shot to see if my answers are in character. I hope they are IC and I hope you enjoy this little ficlet. :)
A Farewell
"The heart was made to be broken" - Oscar Wilde
Peering in, he saw faded blue curtains embroidered with yellow roses, and the carpet a woven rug of brown and garish blood red and blinding, tacky gold; a fabric of James' selection, no doubt. A rustic pine bed, made from Muggle hands, probably a gift from someone on Lily's side of the family, dominated one corner, hulking there like a protective bulldog, and Severus turned his face away, unable to bear the sight of the bed where the newlyweds had spent their past two weeks, limbs entangled, bodies slick with sweat, arms around each other like drowning people. The idea of them, together, was even more repulsive than the flowing scarlet and gold banner James had insisted on tacking up to the wall. It was worse than the fact that they had set aside a small bedroom -- "for a son or daughter, someday," Lily had told Sirius Black wistfully just moments before; James had clapped his best friend on the back and winked, obviously expressing his preference for a rough-and-tumble boy that would grow just as arrogant and dull-witted as he.
Trailing one hand lightly against the outer wall of the house as he skirted a corner, Severus narrowed his eyes at the sudden ringing sound of Potter's voice, shouting something to Remus Lupin, who answered softly, not sounding entirely well. That was no surprise to Severus, who had determined long ago what act of fate struck Lupin ill every time the full moon was on the rise. A werewolf and a wizard so mad to have chosen, willingly, to turn his back on his wealthy, powerful family -- these were the men Lily had chosen as friends. No surprise, to think of whom she settled for as a husband, Severus thought with disgust, flicking his glance up towards the window in time to see James shuffle by, his black fall of hair as mussed and ridiculous as ever, a foolish smile on his face. He thought furiously of his own useless Muggle father, and experienced a cutting sensation of envy towards Black, who hurried up to James, exchanging eager whispers. The idiot had the opportunity for greatness, and certainly wealth, and yet had preferred to flaunt the embarrassing mistake of destiny that had ended him up in Gryffindor house, reduced to befriending clingy, plump Pettigrew -- Severus snarled as Lily embraced Peter in a quick, one-armed hug before hurrying to the sink for more dishes -- and the sullen, bookish werewolf. God, but he hated the lot of them.
"Planning to join the party, eh Snape?" asked a grinning man of in his late twenties, with fiery red hair. He had his arm around the waist of a plump, cheery-looking woman, who was waving her wand at an overloaded tray filled with sweets and treacle pudding. "Can't stay out here all day, peeking through windows." He smiled indulgently at two small boys who trailed along behind him towards the house, each with the same flame-coloured hair.
Outraged, Severus scowled at the man, whom he vaguely recognised as having been pointed out to him by Lucius Malfoy during a recent trip to the Ministry. From what he remembered, the man, a recent hire, had proved overly enthusiastic in his work, and was at present writing new laws to make owning certain dark artefacts illegal. "Weasley," he barked, sneering. "No. I was just --"
"Severus?"
Lily's voice rang out through the open window, through which she had happened to glance while magicking a few more plates clean in preparation for the dinner. Her freckled face, framed with red hair, paled as she looked at him in shock; Severus could feel the colour draining from his own face as well.
"What's going on?" asked a brunette Severus recognised as Lupin as he moved alongside Lily, joining her at the window. There were several new scars stretching angrily across Remus' face, Severus noticed, and the werewolf looked distinctly peaked; the moon had been full three days earlier, he remembered with a jolt. Lupin's eyes widened when he saw Severus, and Severus could see the man's normally honey-coloured eyes flare with preternatural green, but only for a moment. "What's he doing here?" Remus asked, his voice slightly gruff as he eyed Severus speculatively.
Lily reached down and hastily wiped her hands on a dish-rag. "I don't know," she said sharply, "but I intend to find out." A thin blush had worked it's way across her cheekbones, and among the witches and wizards milling about in the kitchen and the lawn, a few had stopped to look Severus' way.
Remus reached out and took Lily's arm. "I don't think you ought to, Lily. I don't know what he's up to, but --"
"It's fine, Remus, really, but thank you." She smiled at him, distracted and hurried, and Severus noticed that she did not flash the same smile in his direction, but peered at him sullenly, almost as if she were frightened by his presence.
He had come out of curiosity himself, but Severus had no intention of being gawked at like an animal in a zoo. Pivoting on his heel, he turned and strode away, quickly moving through the overgrow lawn as fast as he could without breaking into a run, which was what he really wanted to do. He had not expected this: James and Lily's cosy, intimate relationship; the small second bedroom empty save for the dreams of the new couple; Sirius Black practically bouncing off the walls with the thought of his best friend having managed to adhere himself to a witch as lovely as Lily; a stream of eager, hopeful visitors bearing gifts for the Potters -- Merlin, but he hated the sound of that in plural -- to use in their new life together. He had thought -- what a fool he'd been -- that he would find his Lily leaning sorrowfully against the windowpane, looking out through the glass at the freedom she had surrendered when she had accepted James' ring. He had even imagined he might find her crying, and that she would run to him, throw herself into his arms -- fool, Severus snapped at himself. She had seemed not only to be bearing up well under the dire circumstances, but happy, contented in a way he had rarely seen when they had been students together, and friends. Disgusted with himself, and stung at the unfortunate way it had turned out, all Severus wanted to do was get far enough down the road to Disapparate.
Lily's voice was shrill in his ears. "Severus!"
Very slowly and most unwillingly, Severus turned to face her. He wanted to look haughty and imposing, but he spun towards her with the resentful disappointment and shame of a small child caught in an act of petty theft. "Hi," he said, his voice small, as he stared at the ground.
"What are you doing here?" Lily demanded, her voice a challenge.
Lifting his head just slightly, Severus took in the sight of her. She looked angry, and scared, but still, seeing her was like a cold drink of water on a hot day. She was dressed like the Lily he remembered, in faded Muggle bell-bottoms and a simple pink t-shirt, her feet bare upon the cool grass. He had half expected to see her dolled up in the ridiculous get-up she'd worn to the wedding, all flounces and puffs of lace. True, he reflected, she had been beautiful, but it had not suited her. Lily's face and arms had picked up a faint hint of bronze during her honeymoon -- honeymoon! spoke an outraged voice deep within Severus. With Potter! -- and the cinnamon freckles sprinkled across her nose were less visible. Her hair, dark red, was a little longer than he remembered it from school; she had worn it in an elaborate twist at her wedding, as he recalled.
"I came to --"
She did not let him finish, but leapt in, interrupting him. "Came to spoil it, I suppose. What's the plan, Severus?" Even radiating hostility, the way Lily spoke his name made Severus shiver. "Are you going to hit James with a nosebleed curse in front of our guests, or something more grown-up, like your Sectumsempra?" Her voice was low and furious.
"No, of course not!"
"You didn't seem so reluctant to use that in public when your lot tortured Candace Burbank, did you?" Lily spat. She glared at him, but her anger seemed to give way to sorrow; underneath the glare, Severus could see the dark shine of tears. "What happened to you, Severus? We used to be -- no, no, never mind," Lily interrupted herself. Giving herself a stern shake, she shook her head and stood up straighter as she turned away from him. "I trust you'll leave, now, without incident. In case you haven't noticed, a number of James and my friends have become Aurors. It's not a good place for you to try anything."
"I came to see you!" Severus called frantically at her retreating back.
Her eyes were cold fire. "Why?"
Struck by this, Severus frowned. "I've -- I've missed you."
"You, Severus Snape, Death Eater in training, miss me, a filthy little Mudblood?" Every ounce of energy Lily possessed in her body seemed concentrated on glaring Severus' way. Her jaw worked; she had obviously not forgotten the cruel, mistaken words that had finally severed their failing friendship. "I don't suppose you've let Voldemort in on that little secret." Lily waved her hand, as if to chase away the spectre of the Dark Lord. "You should go," she said, frowning. "I'm missing the party, and I haven't anything to say to you anyway."
"But --" Severus reached out, catching Lily's wrist before she could draw away from him. He felt a surge of electricity go through him at the touch, and gaped at her, amazed that she could not sense it. "How could you do it?"
"Me?" Lily seemed genuinely perplexed. At any rate, she stopped struggling. "What did I do?"
Severus gestured angrily towards the house. "You -- him!" For a moment, he was too rage-filled to express himself properly. "You and Potter," he spat. "What could you possibly see in that -- that -- what were you thinking? You know what he is, and --"
"I love James," Lily said coldly. She took advantage of Severus' confusion and yanked her wrist from his grasp. "And you had better be on your way out of Godric's Hollow, Severus, before Remus starts to worry and tells him or Sirius you're here."
As if on cue, a black-haired figure ducked beneath the low limbs of a nearby apple tree and straightened up again, his face a mask of rage. It was not James, but Severus felt a sinking sensation in his stomach anyway, combined with hatred; Sirius Black was stalking towards him like an angry panther. "What's all this then?" he asked, his voice like jagged metal.
"Padfoot," Lily began, exasperated. "I can handle this."
"I'll help," Sirius volunteered, waving her aside as he strode towards Severus. "What the hell do you think you're doing here, Snivellus?"
It had been years since he had last heard that taunt, but it still turned Severus' stomach. He hated the cruel nickname, the ugly way Black spat it out, as though he, Severus, were nothing but dirt. Ducking his hand inside his robes, Severus made for his wand, but Lily stopped him, settling her hand on his arm.
"Stop it, both of you," she hissed, looking from Severus to Sirius, who had his wand out as well. "James and I are supposed to be having a housewarming party, and I'll not have it ruined just because you two decided to get nostalgic for the good old days and had to have a go at one another."
Despite the temper Lily had on exhibition, Sirius snorted. "Aw, come on, Lily. I've really missed blasting old Snivvy here out of his y-fronts." He batted his eyelashes, smirking wildly at Severus. "Once more, for old time's sake, what d'ya say?"
The corners of Lily's mouth trembled for a minute, but she managed to maintain a straight face as she turned on Sirius. "I'll get rid of him," she said softly, and Severus clenched his fists. "You get back up to the house. Oh, and Padfoot, do me a favour, won't you?" Her eyes pleaded with him. "Don't let James come out here."
Unhappy to miss an opportunity to give Severus a good pounding, Sirius jammed his hands into his pockets and shrugged mildly. He smiled at Lily. "All right, because I owe you, but if you're not back in fifteen minutes, I'm telling James precisely where you've gone and why--" he glared at Severus "--and don't be surprised if he sets up a search party. You're supposed to be in there getting smashed on elderberry wine like the rest of us, not out here wasting your time with Death Eater scum like this."
"I'll be fine," Lily informed him bracingly.
As Sirius left, stomping loudly, Lily sank down onto the grass, sitting cross-legged there, one hand covering her face. "Why did you come?" she asked.
"To see you," Severus said, hastily lowering himself to the ground directly across from her. He fought the urge to let himself smile, as it reminded him so much of their earlier days, as children and friends, to see Lily sitting there, plucking up a dandelion with her fingers and gently blowing against the white fluff, sending seeds forth on the breeze. "Lily, I'm so --"
"Shhh," she said, leaning forward and pressing her hand against his mouth. "It's too late for that." She sank back down and dropped the dandelion stem, frowning slightly.
Severus stared at her, trying to memorize the way she looked, the gentle pink of her lips, the brilliant, unforgettable green of her eyes. "But it's true," he said plaintively. "I never meant -- I mean, I never would have said something like that, normally." He felt the scrutiny of her eyes upon him, and felt colour rise to his cheeks. "It was that bastard, Potter," he carried on, rather surprised that she did not interrupt him with a vocal defence of her husband. "He was -- you remember," he added as vaguely as he could, not wanting that memory in his head. "That day, after O.W.L.s -- him and Black."
"It was sick," Lily agreed gently, nodding. She wetted her lips and studied Severus' face. "Though in James' defence, I have to say, he has matured significantly since then. I'm not justifying it, nor excusing his behaviour," she added hastily as Severus gaped. "Only pointing out that people can change."
"Then you understand --"
"If it hadn't been that day, Severus, it would have been another. It was always going to be something. Surely you remember, using 'Mudblood' was quite in vogue among your friends then."
He shuddered. "I don't speak that word anymore."
"But you don't deny you've joined Voldemort." Lily looked at him, her eyes shining with grief. "Knowing what he does, Severus! He kills Muggles -- my family are all Muggles, you remember that, don't you? You and your Death Eaters, it's in the papers what you do. Every week there's a new murder to report, almost always a Mudblood, someone like me."
"But you're not like them!" The words were out of Severus' mouth before he even had the chance to think about what he was saying. He blanched, one hand rose to cover his mouth in horror; Lily, at least, had the wherewithal not even to seem surprised, though she looked hurt.
"Oh, yes," she said, nodding, as she stood up and dusted grass clippings from her jeans. "I am." Studying the ground, she waved her hand in the general direction of the road. "I think you should go now, Severus."
Instead, he reached out for her, his hands grappling for purchase on her shirt, trying to grasp her fingers. "Lily, no, I didn't mean -"
She pursed her lips. "Yes, you did. You made a choice, Severus, one you don't seem intent on correcting any time soon. You're a Death Eater, I'm a Muggle-born. Unless you've come to deliver a threat, I assume your business here is done."
He shook his head, wild and confused. "No, no, please, I want --"
"So did I, and I waited for you, Sev, I did. Two years, in fact." There was a ghost of a smile on Lily's lips, as though she were peering back in time to happier days. "Even the morning of my wedding, I took ever such a long time to get dressed, because I thought you might speak up, that maybe you'd changed. Yes, I saw you sitting there," she added. "Uninvited. James never noticed. But when you left, you joined Dolohov and Mulciber, and I knew I'd made the right decision. I couldn't wait forever -- can't. You made your choice, and I made mine."
"Lily!" His fingers closed convulsively over hers, refusing to let her back away. Mad thoughts fluttered through Severus' head, winging in ideas each more crazy than the last. He could stun her, carry her away. The Imperius! he thought desperately. But he knew none of those solutions would ever work for him. He might keep her captive, but she would not change her mind; she could be staggeringly resolute once her mind was made up. Casting the Imperius would result in him possessing only a shadow of Lily; willing to remain at his side, perhaps, but not his Lily, not the Lily he knew. "No, please, wait! Can't we just talk? Only for a little while, just --"
She shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I have to get back now, Severus. Sirius will be worried."
"Black," Severus spat, irate and desperate. "What does he matter? Listen -- no, Lily, listen --" he burst out as she turned gracefully, prepared to return to her house. "The park! Let's go to the park, shall we, like we used to, so long ago. I need --"
Her look was harsh for a moment. "No, you don't need, not anything I can give you. You don't want anything from me, Severus, not really. When it comes right down to it, you're more interested in what Voldemort has to offer."
"But I --"
"Please don't," Lily said gently, pained.
Slumping against her, his face buried against Lily's shoulder, Severus wrapped his arms around Lily's body. He breathed in deeply, taking in her familiar scent. He expected her to stiffen, perhaps to shove him away, and was relieved when she inexplicably embraced him. Squeezing her back tightly, Severus pressed his face against her hair. After a moment, he rose, his fingers cupping Lily's chin, and kissed her.
Drawing back, Lily broke the kiss, though her expression was sad and it was plain she was loathe to do so. "Severus," she started, but Severus nodded, and stepped back. His face was a mask of pain as he looked her over, but he found his wand and raised it aloft with one shaking hand, and after a moment he was gone, having Disapparated and travelled to points unknown.
Squaring her shoulders, and drawing a deep breath, Lily ran a trembling hand over her hair, smoothing it. Plastering a false smile to her face, she turned away from the spot and strode confidently towards the new house she shared with James, where the party was raging full swing.