One of Nine Lives
For not the first time in his life, Two-Face was wishing that he had decided on a criminal persona with a mask.
Not that he had actually decided to become Two-Face – an accident had marred his face and broken his mind, leading him to the criminal lifestyle, and considering he wasn't very rational at the time, he hadn't had a rational discussion with himself about how he was going to perpetrate those crimes. But if he had, a mask would have been a great choice. While masks were generally pretty uncomfortable, they at least did you the service of concealing your identity, so that on days when you weren't committing crimes, you could go about errands without attracting stares and phone calls to the cops. When a guy had a physical deformity as obvious as his, it was pretty hard to go about your business unnoticed, and he would probably attract just as much suspicion doing his shopping in a mask.
He had been thinking this as he ducked into a nearby, empty-looking shop to avoid the police, who he had seen coming from down the street. He peered out the window, hoping they were going to hurry past. Just his luck that they decided to do a thorough search of the area. He was gonna be in here a while.
He sighed, turning around to face the shop assistant behind the counter. "Morning," he muttered.
"Morning," said the assistant, trying to remain calm. Two-Face looked around – to his relief, the shop was empty except for him and the assistant. But his relief turned to surprise when he saw the pictures displayed behind the counter. A closer examination of the merchandise made him realize that he had ducked into a sex shop. His day just kept getting luckier.
"Bargain DVDs are only a buck," voiced the assistant, pointing to a bucket in front of the desk.
"Yep, it's definitely my lucky day," sighed Two-Face, heading over to the bucket and taking a look through it.
"Can I help you find anything?" asked the assistant. "What sort of fetishes are you into?"
"I'll just browse, if you don't mind," retorted Two-Face.
The shop assistant shrugged, wondering if he should chat with the customer as his manager was always telling him to, or, since his customer was a notorious supercriminal, just keep his mouth shut and probably live longer.
The door suddenly opened and another figure ducked into the shop, peering out the window. Two-Face didn't turn around to see who it was until he heard a familiar voice say, "Why are there so many cops prowling around here? Is the hotlight on at Krispy Kreme?"
Two-Face recognized that voice, and that laugh, and turned around slowly to see the Joker. "Harvey!" said the Joker, beaming. "That might explain the cops!"
"Yeah, well, you of all people must know how difficult it is to go out without getting the cops called on you," muttered Two-Face. "I'm hiding out in here until they disappear."
"Right," chuckled Joker, looking around. "I'm sure that's what all the guys caught in sex shops say!"
"You're in one too," retorted Two-Face.
"Yeah, but you were here first," said Joker. He whistled. "I've actually never been in one of these. I usually go to joke shops to pick up stuff for the bedroom – they have literally everything you need. Heya, sport, you wanna tell me how these places stay in business with the internet?" he asked the shop assistant.
"Well, business is pretty slow lately," replied the assistant. "That's why we've got the bargain DVDs for a buck, so we can generate sales. Anything I can help you find? What sort of fetishes are you into?"
"Clowns," said Joker, seriously. "Do you have anything involving clowns?"
"I…don't think they make…uh…clown porn," said the assistant, slowly.
"Sweet, Harley and me have cornered the market!" cried Joker, triumphantly. "What a business opportunity! We'll make billions on the monopoly, assuming I can convince her to do it! But I know a lotta people would pay to see that. You'd pay to see that, wouldn't you, Harvey?"
"I would pay you never to make that," agreed Two-Face, examining a DVD. "There are some horrors the world just isn't ready for."
"What's this?" said Joker, grabbing the DVD off him. "E.R.: Erection Rescue. Dirty nurses your thing, Harv? Did you make Pammie wear the outfit when you were dating?" he giggled.
"At least it's not clowns," growled Two-Face, grabbing it back.
"You telling me you can look at a whoopie cushion and not get turned on?" demanded Joker. "Because if that's true, I'm not the freak here!"
"Are the police gone yet?" demanded Two-Face, eager to get out of this more than awkward situation.
Joker glanced out the window. "Yeah, they seem to be."
"Great – I'm outta here," said Two-Face, throwing the DVD back in the bucket and heading for the door.
Joker giggled, picking up the DVD and putting it on the counter. "I don't know about him, but I'm sure there's lots of fun I can have with a porno. That's a buck, you said?" he asked, reaching into his wallet and withdrawing a bill. "Got change for a hundred?"