Pickers and haters
By Nadia
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, or New Moon, and all creations are of Stephenie Meyer, lalala, you know the drill.
It was a beautiful, sunny, shiny day in Forks, Washington, which was odd, considering Forks was such a drizzly town. The sun, having decided that today was the day to show its bright face to all the good townspeople, left five fairly happy vampires stuck at home, and one vampire brooding about his human sweetheart in his bedroom.
"Edward! Stop being such a big baby and come downstairs already!" hollered Emmett, the macho vampire of the coven.
"Yea, Edward! Don't be such a killjoy! You'll see Bella later!" Alice was unhappy that her brother Edward was ruining their day of fun she had taken the time and effort to plan out.
One minute later, a grumbling Edward came stomping down the staircase. Looking around, he saw his siblings scattered about the living room, all as grumpy as him.
"Alice, where are we going to?" asked Edward.
"We're going to the swimming pools. No humans are going to be there, I checked beforehand. Don't worry, I already packed your swim stuff for you. Come on, stop slouching, andlet's go! The sun's going to disappear!"
"I'm not going. You guys go ahead with out me," replied Edward, making his was towards the Xbox.
Esme's soft voice came from the kitchen. "Edward, you can't hold on to Bella forever like this, and your brothers and sisters only want to have some fun with you – which they deserve. So go. Besides, you'll see Bella in 3 hours."
"No," growled Edward. "I am not going anywhere. Not without Bella."
Rosalie complained under her breath while popping strawberry bubblegum. "He never does anything without that human freak."
For crying out loud, Edward, change her already, so we can all have fun together!
Edward hissed, his head snapping up to make eye contact with Rosalie. "You are a selfish, arrogant, stupid, shallow minded cow, Rose, and sometimes you really put me off!"
Rosalie walked towards Edward until they were face to face. "And you, my darling brother, you are a stinky pooh-pooh head!"
With those words, as quick as lightning, Rosalie spat out her gum onto her hand and jammed it up Edward's left nostril as far as she could with her thumb and forefinger.
Edward staggered back in disbelief and Rosalie smiled smugly, believing that her work was done. No one said anything. Every vampire was reeling in confusion as to the situation that had unfolded itself out in front of them totally out of the blue.
Eventually, Edward said "Oh… my… God…Rose… WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?"
"You like it?" asked Rosalie.
"Like it? Are you practically insane? You shoved bubblegum up my nose! You freak!"
"Ironic you should say that, Edward. I mean, you're the one with the gum and all."
"But WHY? What did I do to you?"
"You never do anything with us anymore, all because of stupid Bella! It's always Bella this, Bella that! Ok, so I've come to terms with the fact she's family, but sometimes you really piss me off!
"But that's no reason to do this! I was right! You are a cow, an ugly cow at that!"
Rosalie growled, a menacing sound that echoed through the room.
"UGLY?!? You DARE to call me UGLY?!? I am the incarnation of BEAUTY! So don't you UGLY ME!"
"Enough." Esme's cold voice cut through their bickering. "Rosalie, what you have done has a price to pay. Carlisle and I will discuss your punishment later, but you are definitely grounded. No swimming pool for you. Now, I want you to sincerely apologize to Edward and go to your room."
"But Esme, I…" Rosalie started.
"No buts, Rosalie. Do as I say."
"Fine," she grumbled. "I am sorry, Edward, for having done… what I did. It was stupid and childish, and I apologize wholeheartedly for it. I hope that some day you will forgive me for my deplorable act today." Rosalie hung her head and trudged off to her room, Edward glowering at her the whole time.
"And as for you…Edward, sweetheart. Please get the gum out, it looks terrible. It makes part of your nose stick up… an unpleasant sight."
Alice, who had watched that scene play out in front of her, could not hold back in the wave of giggles she had been trying to suppress for so long. She opened her mouth and they all poured out, and she could not stop. Alice choked her way to the front door and let herself out, where she laughed even louder.
Edward attempted at forcing out the gum. He breathed in through his right nostril, filled his lungs, and breathed out through his clogged nostril as hard as he could. Edward had supposed that it would come out. But it didn't, so he repeated the process over and over again, of course, to no avail.
The only other possible way that Edward could think of was… by picking his nose.
He was absolutely repulsed and sickened by the thought itself. And the atrocity of it! A vampire, picking his nose! Disgusting! But then he weighed his options. On one hand, he could be the disgusting vampire that picked his nose for gum. But on the other hand… he could be the revolting vampire that lived forever with gum in his nose.
Edward decided to get rid of it. He had to.
Very slowly, he put his forefinger up his nostril. Up, up, up! Until he found pirate's gold. Edward picked and picked, and bits of gum fell to the floor, until there was but one piece left.
Unfortunately, this particular piece was jammed further upwards, and Edward experienced difficulty in removing it. He poked, and he picked, but still, it did not come out.
All very unexpectedly (because she was early) Bella turned up at the doorstep and said "Edward!"
Edward, on reflex, turned at hearing his name, completely forgetting to remove his finger from his nostril. Bella gaped at Edward until he realized what had happened. He took his finger out in an instant.
"Oh my God! Edward! Of all people! Picking your nose! It's a despicable child's act! I never thought that my angel was a nose-picker! You must be punished!
"But Bella…" started Edward. "I can explain!"
"No, I don't want to hear it, because frankly, I don't think you even have a good explanation. Why does a vampire need to pick his nose?"
"I'm so sorry you had to see that, Bella, but I have a fantastic reason."
"Humph," Bella grunted. "More like a fantastic excuse. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you shall not be getting any kisses from me for a whole month!"
Edward gasped. He could not help but.
He slowly walked over to Bella, and lowered his head to her ear.
"Ok, fair enough," he whispered in his velvet voice. "But how well would you fare, with no kisses from me for a month"
Bella didn't hesitate to answer. "Oh, Edward, I love you, but you're not the only one who would be glad to kiss me for 30 days."
Edward's mind drew up blanks. "Who?"
"A young, strapping lad known as Mike Newton." Bella smiled evilly, and walked away. Edward swore he saw a glint of wickedness in her eyes. Shaking his head, he made way for the bathroom.
Jasper Hale and Emmett Cullen, both wonderful gentlemen, sat behind the couch, worshipping their prized possessions – a small tape, and a camcorder – which had managed to record everything. Both sniggering, they knew this was an unforgettable episode.
THE END
AN: I got the idea of writing this fan fiction while discussing with a friend things that Edward would not do, and picking his nose was one of them.
No flames from anyone, I will not accept them, at all, because I will tell you nice and slowly - this was a one off.
And of course, what the characters did was totally unlikely – but I'm not Stephenie Meyer, am I? NO. So you can't diss me.
And if you can't eat that, then tough.
Nadia the demented one.