Author's note: Songfic after 4.15 "The Benefactor Factor" Leonard POV leading up to Priya and his motivation behind the relationship, hope I'm not to OOC for Leonard or to harsh on Penny. This is first my fanfic so reviews will be useful, planning another songfic for Penny, set a little later on. Sorry for grammar mistakes re-reading just doesn't pick mistakes up.
Song: Waitin in vain by Bob Marley
Hell what a headache Leonard thought to himself, bad enough I've just been mocked by Penny and Sheldon for last nights events I gonna have to face everyone at work tomorrow as well. Look at penny she looks happy that I've just spent the night with some wealthy donor, what's with her calling me slut? I just don't understand her at all? Whenever I saw her coming back from a one night stand or some guy leaving her place it really messed me up. But look at her, she seems more than fine as if nothing was wrong or there was nothing between us at all. I what to say something but what can make this better?
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
I only have two real ideas running around my mind at the moment. Firstly, is this the type of guy I really what to be sleeping around? Is that what really makes me happy. Yeah sex is sex I guess but it felt a whole lot better when I was someone who I cared for, loved. I would say who cared for and loved me back but I don't know what that feels like. Then secondly, and this hurts more, am I waiting in vain for Penny? I just don't know what will happen between us anymore. I want to express a star wars reference but I just can't mention that film any more it still hurts that much. I look into her big green eyes and see nothing, she shows me nothing and I think there is more space between us then ever before. Hell she's just across the hall but that might as well be across the universe. I know we kind of hooked up at that convention and (and the "yee haw" night but we don't ever talk about that even if it is imprinted on me Penny) for her that's all it was a one time thing, hell then on cue she was off with that Glenn, Bernadette's ex.
Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn, See!
Why do I still feel this way about her? I guess the simple answer is I still have strong feelings for her that affect me in ways even I don't understand. When Zach turned up again I felt so jealous, felt so possessive, was so mean, look at the way I treated Zack just because the poor guy is simply, what I'm becoming I don't like and I don't recognize myself anymore. Yet she was lonely and would rather be with Zack then me? Is that what I'm to understand from her now? When she's down and lonely she would rather someone else anyone apart from me keep her company, make her happy? I really don't want to think this but maybe I'm waiting in vain, maybe its time I accepted what we had is gone and it isn't coming back, maybe that cat really is dead it didn't die in that box, but it still died all the same.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
Is this it? Do I start again? Can I start again? If I don't I could be in this emotional black hole for a long time. It's been a year since we split. I haven't told anyone this for what it really means; I went to that bowling alley a couple of nights ago, why do I do this to myself? I wanted to see if its changed as much as I Have? There's one person who could give an explanation to me, my mother she would simply love for me to sit down on her leather couch and open up. She would simply rip my entire life apart and perhaps that's for the best, maybe a brand new start is required. But still I'm not strong enough for that conversation just as yet.
No, I don't wanna (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No I - no I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't
wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No, no-no, I, no, I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
It's your love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
It's Jah love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
What's this Howard is saying? Priya is back in town? Sorry Howard I wanna help you out buddy but I gonna go see about a girl. Now the question is can I do this? Can I move on? Can I bury my feelings and emotions for Penny? Maybe not but If I don't try, if I don't try, there it is again? Do or do not, there is no try. No I can't ignore my feelings for Penny and I don't want to, there'll apart of me for now I guess but for how long? Am I done with waiting in vain….
Author's note: For all Leonard/Penny shippers I really do what them together as I ship this couple but feel the show wants to make them suffer rather then be happy together.