-----------------------------
Pink on Crumpled Pink no.8011
-----------------------------
By Anago-chan
chibinurikochan@fushigiyugi.com
-----------------------------
This is my version of Cedric's journal, which I've been working on for a while now, and around which my life has revolved. Just ask Jack. x_x.; Anyway, I've tried to be as accurate as possible. And you'd better not be offended by homosexuality. And about the title... I wrote the beginning of this on a pink piece of paper with a pink gel pen, and on the pad of paper it said "no.8011." Hence the name.
-----------------------------
Oh. Just about everything in here belongs to J.K. Rowling, and not me. Well... Cedric's friend Gary is part mine. He's actually the owner of the labrador retriever at the end of one episode of Dexter's Laboratory. o_O.; But I made him into who he is now. And Cedric's heart... well, that belongs to Harry. So... here goes.
-----------------------------
Name: Cedric A. Diggory
Birth date: August 26, 1982
Blood type: A
House: Hufflepuff
October 19
I'm already over a month into my 5th year at Hogwarts, but I still don't feel like I really belong here. It's a weird feeling... And I mean, it's not like I'm not good at magic or anything. I do well in all my classes. Professor Sprout even made me the new captain and Seeker of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team this year. I must seem perfect to some people... Strange to think about. I bet everyone thinks I'm happy with myself. The truth is, I never really have been. There's just something missing.
October 23
Ah, I don't really have much to say. I haven't been able to think straight lately- damn, why'd I have to put it that way? I've been noticing, all the guys I know, their lives revolve around their girlfriend-of-the-week. Then they're always asking me why I don't have one. Honestly, I've never been... attracted to any of them. In fact... sometimes I'll find myself thinking of one of the guys in... the wrong way...
Oh God, I'm confused. I don't even understand myself. I just know I'm not like everyone else here and that scares me.
Well, I need to study for a Transfiguration test in 3rd period today. I haven't been concentrating and I can't let my grades fall, not when Dad expects so much of me.
October 27
Damn. We got our grades today on that test. I FAILED. I've never failed a test in my life! What's wrong with me? I hope this doesn't really affect my overall grade. I don't want Dad to be disappointed in me. But it's so hard to live up to his expectations, especially recently. I know damn well I'm not perfect, so why can't he understand that? He only wants me to do well so he can brag about it. No... that's not true, I shouldn't say that. I know he wants it for my own sake.. though sometimes I can't help but wonder how he'd feel if I were to die tomorrow.
October 31
Halloween. Not much of a holiday, if you ask me. Not really any point to it. Oh well. This morning, we all got to go out to Hogsmeade. I bought a few pieces of fudge and a mug of butterbeer, but that was it. I wasn't really in the mood for it today. Then when we got back, we found that Sirius Black had tried to break into the Gryffindor tower. They say he's after Harry Potter. Personally, I think he probably disguised himself and sneaked in without anyone noticing. It's frightening, and I pray that he doesn't kill me. As depressed as I've been lately, I don't really want to die. I haven't done anything with my life yet. I like to think I'll live for many more years and someday get all these mixed-up feelings I have straightened out.
November 08
God, I feel terrible. I hate those dementors. He's probably hurt and it seems like it's my fault. And I love him.
November 09
I guess that last bit didn't make much sense, did it? Well, see... The first Quidditch game of the season was yesterday and we played Gryffindor. I knew Harry Potter was on that team, and had been for the past few years, yet I had never really seen him. Then when I did... I never believed in love at first sight until then. I can't even begin to describe what I felt at that moment. There's just something so amazing about him, something I can't resist.
But I have to remember that we're going to be playing against each other, so I can't take pity on him out of some foolish love that will never be returned.
A girl named Cho Chang invited me to her birthday tomorrow. I guess I should go get her a present, even though I've never actually met her, and I probably won't even be able to get out of the school. Maybe I can get one of the teachers to go with me. I really hope they arrest Black soon.
November 10
Well, when I first got to the Ravenclaw common room where they were having Cho's birthday party, a bunch of 4th year girls were giggling and looking at me... that makes me so uncomfortable. Later after everyone else left, Cho told me she'd had a crush on me for two years. And I didn't even know her name. Gee. I felt really bad about that, actually... because just yesterday I realized how it felt to love someone who would never love you back. And I didn't want to get her hopes up or anything, so I just went ahead and told her that I was sorry, and I even told her how I felt about Harry, after she promised not to tell anyone. I could tell it hurt her, but she said she understood. I think we'll still be able to be friends. She may be the first friend I've ever had.
November 14
We played Ravenclaw today. I never recognized Cho as their Seeker before. And of course, I had to turn too fast and knock her off her broom, and give her a broken wrist. Why does everyone I care about get hurt? Why does it have to be because of me? I feel so bad about it. I went to see her in the hospital ward a few hours ago, and she said it wasn't my fault, and that she wasn't mad at me. I don't believe that. Well, she should be okay again soon. I'm not going to feel any better for a while though.
November 23
Well, Cho's fine now, thank God. Hmm. I just noticed all I've really written about are the times I'm feeling especially bad. I'm still not ever truly happy, but I'm not depressed all the time, either. So today, on one of my better days, I'm writing something. So if someone reads this someday they won't think my life was completely horrible.
You know something, this isn't exactly a happy OR unhappy thought, but I REALLY don't think I should be allowed in the boys' showers. I don't know, it doesn't seem right. Do normal schools ever do anything about gay students in locker rooms? Hmm. Good thing Harry's not in Hufflepuff. Heh. Just a thought.
November 29
More random thoughts... What's wrong with Professor Lupin? He always seems so tired, and he gets sick an awful lot. About once every month. Does he have some kind of disease or something? I feel sorry for him. I think he's one of the best teachers in the school. Whatever it is, I hope it'll go away eventually.
December 17
Wow, it's been a while. No more terribly interesting things have happened. But... I don't know why, but I'm starting to get homesick. I never have before, so I don't know why now would be different... so tomorrow I'm going home for Christmas break. Cho's going too, so we can take the train there together. It's so nice to have a real friend for once.
December 18
God, Dad always has to embarrass everyone. When he met me at the station, he figured Cho was my girlfriend and started asking her a bunch of questions, and even though she was very polite, I could tell she wanted to get away from him. I explained that she was just my friend, and then she left as fast as she could. He says he just loves Cho and so he's trying to get me to go out with her now. Maybe he'd stop if I told him... but I can't. I don't want to let him down like that... he's always saying, "See, Ced, that's something you'll tell your grandkids someday!" and "Just imagine telling your wife and kids about winning that trophy!" He'd never understand it, because that's just the way he is. I know he loves me, but he doesn't listen. Maybe I shouldn't have come home after all.
December 21
This is usually the day when I think it finally starts to feel like Christmas. I actually had a pretty good time today. I bought some presents for my family and later we all went around and looked at the lights. There's something special to me about Christmas lights. Maybe because I know how much trouble they are for all the Muggles to put up, whereas I could make the entire house glow with just one charm. It's nice to know they work so hard for Christmas. I was one of the wisemen in the Christmas play at church the day before yesterday. I got the myrh. Wait, let me look that up. Oh. Myrrh... isn't that a strange word? I can never remember how to spell it.
Why am I saying any of this? It's not interesting or anything. Well, I guess I just can't sleep. That's how to solve your problems... can't sleep, read about the origins of myrrh. I'm thinking of Harry again. I wonder if he actually likes staying at school over the holidays. It's sad to think that he doesn't have any real family that cares about him. I guess I'm luckier than I realize.
December 24
It's Christmas Eve. I wonder what Harry's doing now. Well, seeing how it's 2 in the morning, he's probably sleeping. I bet he looks really cute when he's sleeping... not that I'll ever see that. Dad's STILL bugging me about Cho. When is he going to give up? Telling him I'm gay would probably be the only way to get him to shut up, but I'm not about to do that. Not yet, anyway. I will after I graduate. Only two more years after this... wow, that's pretty amazing. It doesn't seem like I've been at school that long. What am I going to do with my life after I graduate? I don't even have the slightest idea what kind of job I want. I don't know if I'm going to try to go to college.
Gee, isn't my life so well-thought out? I go back to school on Monday. Maybe... who am I kidding? How is that going to help me any? Close to him, close to homework. Yeah, that'll take off the stress. I need to get some chamomile tea.
December 26
Wow, Christmas actually wasn't that bad. I got some polish for my wand, which was good... It's been looking pretty dirty and dull lately. And, much better than the polish, I got a new broom. Not a Firebolt, but that's okay. I didn't expect that anyway; we don't have that much money. But hey, maybe I'll be able to play as well as Harry someday. He IS better than me, I don't care what my dad says. "You'll never forget that, Ced, you beat HARRY POTTER. The star of the school fell off his broom, but you held on." Good lord, he needs to stop saying all that. But then, he doesn't have any idea how I feel about Harry so he doesn't know I hate it when he says that. And I STILL can't tell him. So I don't expect this to stop any time soon. Why does my life have to be so damn complicated?
Oh well. It's been pretty nice to be home again. I never really realize how much I miss sleeping in my own room when I'm at school. I have to go back tomorrow. The holiday breaks are getting shorter every year... At least I'll get to look at Harry again. Maybe someday I'll even talk to him. That sounds pretty pathetic. Why should that be so hard? Why do all my thoughts always end up on him?
December 31
I actually talked to him! Actually, I just congratulated him on getting such a good replacement for his old broom. But still, I DID talk to him. He just kind of smiled and nodded... I really don't think he likes me, but God, he has a beautiful smile. I must sound like some schoolgirl who just met a famous pop singer or something... But I can't help feeling this way. I can never stop thinking about him. It's so insane, I mean, I've never actually held a conversation with him, I don't even really know him, and yet I love him so much. I wish just once he'd say something to me. Acknowledge my existence.
At eleven today, he's going to be playing against Cho. I wish I could trade places with her to be near him again. Well, I'll still be watching him in the crowd. It's going to be hard picking a team to root for with Harry and Cho... I think I'll just cheer for both and let everyone else glare at me.
January 01
Good lord, I'm tired... The whole Hufflepuff house had a New Year's party last night and I don't think any of us slept at all. I didn't think it was that great. Someone spiked the punch. I was smart enough to stay away from that. There were couples making out on the couches... not really what you'd expect from the "sweet, innocent Hufflepuffs." And all these drunk girls were hitting on me, which was, quite frankly, very frightening. Despite what most people assume, I am NOT the outgoing type that actually enjoys parties. I try to avoid contact with people whenever possible, and still seem friendly at the same time. Awkward.
So basically, it was a wasted night. Next year I'm just going to find a safe, quiet place and go to sleep.
January 03
Shit, we got report cards today. I got a C in Transfiguration! What the hell is wrong with me? I was supposed to be the perfect student. I always had A's in that class before, and suddenly I can't even turn a damn teapot into a maplewood chair! Dad's going to be so angry and disappointed when he finds out... God, I can't take that. And unlike he does to everyone else, he won't yell at me, and that will just make it worse. If he could just yell at me, ground me for five months, and get it over with, I wouldn't mind it quite so much, but he'll just be all calm and say, "I'm not mad at you, Cedric. I'm just disappointed, because I know that as my son, you can do better." And that stings more than anything else he could do. Because I know it's true. I'm not like I used to be. I don't pay attention in class all the time; I'm sidetracked by other things. I didn't do my homework a few times. And this is all fine for someone else, but not for me. I have such high standards... I'm better than what I'm turning into, and... it hurts to think that I'm not even good enough for myself.
January 07
What a day. This morning Gary Alfredino, another 5th year Hufflepuff guy, woke me up, shaking me and saying, "Dude, Cedric, what's wrong, man?" He asked what I had been dreaming about, and said I'd been moaning like I was dying. I said I didn't remember what I had dreamed about (that was a lie). Then I suddenly felt really sick, and I guess it was obvious, because Gary gave me a trash can, which proved to be very useful. That was the first time I'd thrown up since I was 9. Everyone else was awake by then, and they all looked pretty disgusted. Gary asked if I felt any better, and I tried to answer, but I threw up again. He said it was probably the flu, and that I should stay in bed the rest of the day. Then he went and got all my assignments. He's a good friend. I wonder why I never really talked to him before. I mean, he's really popular, and even though he just moved here from America and came to Hogwarts this year, almost everyone knows him.
Well, all day long, girls I've never seen have been coming in and giving me flowers and telling me that they're SO sorry I had to get sick. Good lord, I'm not that sick. I feel like hitting the next one that comes in upside the head with my old broom. I don't know why that annoys me so much, but it does. Aside from that, I've been lying here all day. I'm feeling better now. Just very bored. I keep thinking about that dream I had last night. It was a disturbing little thing about Harry and me, and somehow I don't feel right dreaming things like that. Not about him. He's so innocent, and I'm... I'm not sure what I am. I really do scare myself sometimes. Maybe that's part of what made me sick this morning. I don't know. I guess I should get back to working on the stuff they're doing in Arithmancy today. So... yeah. I'll do that.
January 21
I talked to Professor Lupin after class today. Everyone had been talking about Black all day, and I realized Lupin was probably about the same age as him. When the rest of the class had left, I asked if he had known Black. At first, it looked like he was going to say no, then changed his mind. His expression grew distant, and he looked out the window.
"Sirius Black was one of my closest friends," he said quietly. "In fact, though this is a bad time to admit it, I loved him." He sighed. "For a while, I thought he loved me too..."
I couldn't believe it. "You mean... you loved another man too?" Damn. That made it pretty obvious about me. He blinked and then gave me a sad smile.
"Yes, I did. And I take it you do, too?" I just nodded. "I wish you luck, then," he said as he got his things ready for the next class. "And I want you to know, whoever it is you care about... he's very lucky."
He seems to talk to Harry a lot. I wonder if he'll figure it out. Even if he does, I won't really mind. I trust him. I know he won't tell anyone.
That's really sad though... that the person he loved turned out to be a murderer like that. I hope he finds someone else someday. Someone as wonderful as him doesn't deserve to be alone.
January 27
I'm still not understanding the stuff we're doing in Arithmancy. And get this, Gary's trying to help me with it. That's kind of funny in an ironic sort of way, since he's never gotten anything higher than a C in any class.
And I'm stuck listening to his music too. "Life is short so love the one you've got, 'cause you might get run over or you might get shot..." he sang along with the CD as he braided his hair. Isn't that cheerful? I glared at him, and asked what that was.
He grinned. "Sublime! Heh heh, just wait 'til you get to Caress Me Down!" 3 tracks later, we were there, and that proved to be the most disturbing song I ever heard in my life.
That's going to give me more of those dreams. Poor Harry. Oh well, at least I understand all the Arithmancy stuff now. Whenever Professor Vector explains it, it seems impossible, but Gary makes it really easy to understand. Probably because he doesn't know how to make it complicated.
February 02
What happened today? If I was confused before...
Turns out today was Gary's birthday. I didn't even know it. I told him I was sorry I hadn't gotten him anything. He just kind of smiled and said, "Dude, don't worry about it. I know what you can give me..." And then he leaned over and kissed me. After a second, I pulled away. I asked him what the hell he was thinking. He blinked and asked, "What? Didn't you like it? Didn't you feel anything?" with a cocky grin.
"No! Because, I mean, I admit I think you're really attractive-"
He brushed his long, golden hair out of his violet eyes. "Naturally. Doesn't everyone?" I don't know why I got so mad at him then. Probably because... well, I'd never actually been kissed before that... and I had always wanted it to mean something. I know Harry doesn't like me and I don't think he ever will, but I still feel like that was betraying him somehow. So, I started yelling at him like the idiot I am.
"...but I love someone, it's not you, so no, your damn flirting doesn't mean anything to me. I mean, even if I did, you go around kissing half the students in the school! Yeah, that would make anyone feel special..." God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe myself sometimes.
He frowned for a second, and then laughed quietly. "Yeah. Funny to think that all them want me, and the only one I really care about is the one that doesn't." Then he left.
Shit, I feel bad, but I'm still mad at him. He's such a player, I mean, no one really trusts him as far as relationships go, but...
He actually sounded serious... If he had said something before...
I still wouldn't love him. He's my friend, and that's all. Just like Cho. Come to think of it... I'm so much like him. All those girls falling all over me, and yet Harry's the only person I'll ever love.
I hate myself.
God, why's life always like this? I need to talk to Gary. But can we ever be friends again after that?
February 05
I think Gary hates me now, too. He's acting like he doesn't know me. And he doesn't, really. Cho's trying to talk to him, but that won't help. I bet he'll think I was talking about her when I said there was someone else I loved. And Valentine's Day is coming up. God, I hate that day. I have a feeling this will be the worst one ever. Damn it, I can't wait until this school year's over.
February 14
I was right, Valentine's Day was terrible, just as it always is. I got 268 valentines, and none of them meant anything to me except Cho's. I saw Gary had a huge box full of them too. We were throwing them away at the same time. We just kind of looked at each other and didn't say anything. I don't want it to be like this. I want us to be friends again like we were before. Just a month ago.
I wonder what Harry thinks of Valentine's Day, and if he actually enjoyed it today. I hope he did. I wish I had the courage to tell him, especially today. Maybe next year I'll give him a valentine or something, to see what he does... No, I won't. A year from now, I won't be any different. I still won't be able to say anything.
February 27
Today, Gary and I both screwed up in Potions and had to stay after class to clean up the bubbly pink mess while Snape glared at us. We still hadn't talked to each other since his birthday over three weeks ago. When Snape left to get something, I decided to say something to him, because this was really starting to get annoying.
"Gary, I'm sorry." There. I wasn't really sure what I was apologizing for. For being a stupid bastard, I guess.
He glanced at me, and then turned back to the cauldron he was scrubbing, and said, "For what? Dude, it's my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just been happy with the way things were."
I agreed with that, but didn't say so. I didn't want him to get mad again, so I just nodded. "Well," I said cautiously, "we can still be friends again, can't we? Pretend nothing ever happened?"
He looked back at me. "Cedric, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow." I wasn't sure what to say to that.
"What?"
"It's 'cause of my dad. He's a Muggle, you know, and his job's requiring him to move to Romania, and we have to go with him. He won't even let me finish the school year here. I've always had to move a lot. And I only went here one year. I always lived in America until this year, you know... Had to leave my dog behind when we came here... He was always a good dog, a Labrador retriever... playful thing..." Why did he have to go on like that? It wasn't helping anything.
"So... you'll be going to Durmstrang then."
He nodded. "Yeah, I hope it's not as bad as it sounds. Those rumors about the headmaster there? Say he was a big supporter of You-Know-Who back in the day." He shuddered. "But there's that one student there, Viktor Krum, you know, the player on the Bulgaria Quidditch team. You've got to admit, going to the same school as a star like that would be pretty cool." He gave me a half-smile. "Of course, we do have Harry Potter here," he said with a wink.
I blinked. "Yeah, that's true..."
He frowned. "Aw, come on man, you don't have to pretend you don't like him." I stared at him.
"How long have you known?"
"Since I heard you say 'I love you, Harry' in your sleep last week." I had said that out loud? Who knows what else I've said without knowing...
"Oh." I felt pretty dumb, and I didn't really have a response to that. We both finished cleaning and set the now shining cauldrons back on the desks.
"It's okay," he said. "I understand..." he paused. "I wish I could have known you longer... I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you, too." I hesitated for a moment, and then held out my hand. "...Friends?"
He smiled and shook it. "Yep, friends." We hugged each other just as Snape walked back in. He sneered at us and muttered, "Revolting..."
We grinned and left together.
I'm really sad that Gary's leaving, but it's good to know we're friends again, and that when we look back on our days here, our memories of each other won't be bitter.
March 14
I've never had so much homework. We've had essays and all kinds of practice stuff every night for the past two weeks, and it doesn't seem like the teachers will be letting up on us any time soon, so I don't think I'll be writing much.
Gary's gone now. Maybe it's better this way. We'll have to get a new Chaser for our team next year. Speaking of Quidditch, the final game is coming up in a few weeks. It's Gryffindor against Slytherin. I bet you can guess who I'm going to be rooting for. I know Harry can win this one.
Heh, I just found the beginning of that essay on werewolves Snape was trying to get us to write. Good thing Lupin didn't make us finish that. What was the point anyway? Well, now that I'm thinking of Snape's pointless essays, I have to get back to writing yet another one. This time it's comparing and contrasting the varieties of poisonous nightshade from which we get substances important to many potions. Shouldn't this be in herbology? Geez... Well, let's see... all plants in the nightshade family bear flowers with five petals, five sepals, and five stamens, and a single pistol that ripens into a berry in most species... Belladonna, jimsonweed, and henbane... This could take a while.
March 29
Snape gave me a C on my nightshade essay, and that was one of the best papers I've ever written! Even if it was a boring topic. Then again, only his precious Slytherins got higher than a B. They really shouldn't allow someone like him to teach, not when he favors the students from his own house over all the rest. And now I have to write yet ANOTHER of his damned essays tonight, on the chemical and magical properties of gillyweed. Why does that even matter? Someone needs to shove that stuff up his a
March 30
I was writing that last bit in my notebook at lunch yesterday, when Snape suddenly appeared behind me and snatched it away. He gave it back, but automatically dropped my grade on the nightshade essay to an F, and did the same with the next two. Which haven't even been assigned yet. I also have to write a 3000 word essay on why I should respect my teachers. Plus, I have to clean every flask and bottle and cauldron without using magic every day for the next month.
I think I'll just refrain from insulting him too much in writing. But you can bet I'll be thinking it.
April 10
Yes! Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup! That was a great game, too. Flint, the captain of the Slytherin team, flew into a girl from Gryffindor and almost knocked her off her broom. Then one of Gryffindor's Beaters smashed his club into Flint's head. Each team got a penalty shot. Things like that happened all throughout the game. When Harry was about to grab the Snitch, that little brat Draco Malfoy held his broom back so he couldn't reach it.
It didn't really matter though, because in the end, Harry managed to get the Snitch before Malfoy, and they won the Cup. The crowd of Gryffindor-supporters ran out onto the field, lifting the members of the team onto their shoulders, and I don't think Harry noticed it was me carrying him. I was so proud of him. Nothing will ever beat that smile that was on his face as he lifted up the Cup.
May 14
Thank God, exams are finally over. I've been studying for them every spare minute of my life for the past month. The Care of Magical Creatures exam was the easiest one ever. I think it does help that my dad works for the Department for the Regulation and Control of them, though. I probably know stuff others don't. I probably did really bad on the Potions one. Mine had sort of an orange tint to it. He'll take points off for that. And of course, he still hates me after what I wrote before. Heh, I don't take it back, though. I hope Harry did well on his exams, and I know Snape hates him even more than me, so he'll probably have a grade that's just as bad, if not worse.
So now that exams are over... there's only a few weeks of school left. Soon I'll be going home and listening to my dad going on about how I ought to marry Cho.
May 27
Not much to say, but I got a letter from Gary today. He says it's not too bad there, but the guy named Karkaroff really IS evil. He's met Krum, and he seems to idolize him now, especially since Bulgaria's made it to the Quidditch World Cup, and Krum plays for them. Gary's trying to get his dad to let him go see the World Cup, but he doesn't think they'll be able to afford it, because they'd have to get plane tickets to come all the way back over here. He said that even though they probably wouldn't make it, we'll still see each other again someday. I like to think so.
June 4
Everyone else is at Hogsmeade now, but I didn't really want to go. I didn't have any money to buy anything, anyway.
Last night, they had finally captured Black, but he escaped somehow. I'm starting to wonder if they'll ever catch him. Around noon, I went to talk to Professor Lupin one more time. I had just found out that he was resigning, and that he was actually a werewolf. Hey, maybe that's why Snape made us write that essay...
Well, anyway, Lupin had just started packing his things when I got to his office.
"You're leaving," I observed in a spur of brilliance.
He nodded. "No one is going to feel safe having a werewolf at the school, you know."
"But you never hurt anyone!" I protested.
"No," he agreed, "but last night, I came very close to it, and now I realize that I can't risk that happening."
"I guess that's true..." I paused. "What do you think about Black escaping again?"
He hesitated, and then, with a small smile, said, "Truly, there is a part of me which is glad he's still free..." He put a pile of papers into his suitcase. "When do you plan on telling Harry?" I knew he had figured it out.
I shrugged. "Next year, I guess... You know him. Do you think he'd laugh at me if I told him?"
He shook his head slowly. "No, I don't think he would. I think he'd listen to whatever you had to say." He glanced down at a parchment on his desk.
"Thanks," I said. "You know... you're the best teacher we've ever had here."
He smiled. "And you've been an excellent student. It's been a joy knowing you."
As I left, I noticed Harry and his friends coming down the hall. They were probably going to say goodbye to Professor Lupin, too.
I wish he didn't have to leave, but he's right, he could hurt someone without meaning to. I wonder what he'll do now, and if I'll ever see him again. I hope so.
June 25
I'm on the Hogwarts Express. In a few hours, I'll be home. Oh, Cho's here, too. She's reading everything I'm writing right now. Stop reading this, Cho. Heh, okay.
A lot happened this year... for the first time in my life, I've had real friends, Cho and Gary. I had the best teacher ever. And I love Harry. He's on the train, too, a few rows in front of us. Stop smirking at me, Cho. Yes, I'm talking to you.
Anyway, I'm actually beginning to understand my own thoughts and feelings now, and it's about time. I've gotten my grades back up, I did pretty well on my exams... This year wasn't as bad as it seemed at times. And I'm not as happy to see it end as I thought I'd be. In fact, I'm looking forward to next year.
And look, this is the last page left in this notebook. I used up most of the pages in here for Snape's damn assignments. Well, I guess that doesn't matter. The tea cart's here, and I'm going to get some chocolate frogs.
And so concludes my 5th year.
Pink on Crumpled Pink no.8011
-----------------------------
By Anago-chan
chibinurikochan@fushigiyugi.com
-----------------------------
This is my version of Cedric's journal, which I've been working on for a while now, and around which my life has revolved. Just ask Jack. x_x.; Anyway, I've tried to be as accurate as possible. And you'd better not be offended by homosexuality. And about the title... I wrote the beginning of this on a pink piece of paper with a pink gel pen, and on the pad of paper it said "no.8011." Hence the name.
-----------------------------
Oh. Just about everything in here belongs to J.K. Rowling, and not me. Well... Cedric's friend Gary is part mine. He's actually the owner of the labrador retriever at the end of one episode of Dexter's Laboratory. o_O.; But I made him into who he is now. And Cedric's heart... well, that belongs to Harry. So... here goes.
-----------------------------
Name: Cedric A. Diggory
Birth date: August 26, 1982
Blood type: A
House: Hufflepuff
October 19
I'm already over a month into my 5th year at Hogwarts, but I still don't feel like I really belong here. It's a weird feeling... And I mean, it's not like I'm not good at magic or anything. I do well in all my classes. Professor Sprout even made me the new captain and Seeker of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team this year. I must seem perfect to some people... Strange to think about. I bet everyone thinks I'm happy with myself. The truth is, I never really have been. There's just something missing.
October 23
Ah, I don't really have much to say. I haven't been able to think straight lately- damn, why'd I have to put it that way? I've been noticing, all the guys I know, their lives revolve around their girlfriend-of-the-week. Then they're always asking me why I don't have one. Honestly, I've never been... attracted to any of them. In fact... sometimes I'll find myself thinking of one of the guys in... the wrong way...
Oh God, I'm confused. I don't even understand myself. I just know I'm not like everyone else here and that scares me.
Well, I need to study for a Transfiguration test in 3rd period today. I haven't been concentrating and I can't let my grades fall, not when Dad expects so much of me.
October 27
Damn. We got our grades today on that test. I FAILED. I've never failed a test in my life! What's wrong with me? I hope this doesn't really affect my overall grade. I don't want Dad to be disappointed in me. But it's so hard to live up to his expectations, especially recently. I know damn well I'm not perfect, so why can't he understand that? He only wants me to do well so he can brag about it. No... that's not true, I shouldn't say that. I know he wants it for my own sake.. though sometimes I can't help but wonder how he'd feel if I were to die tomorrow.
October 31
Halloween. Not much of a holiday, if you ask me. Not really any point to it. Oh well. This morning, we all got to go out to Hogsmeade. I bought a few pieces of fudge and a mug of butterbeer, but that was it. I wasn't really in the mood for it today. Then when we got back, we found that Sirius Black had tried to break into the Gryffindor tower. They say he's after Harry Potter. Personally, I think he probably disguised himself and sneaked in without anyone noticing. It's frightening, and I pray that he doesn't kill me. As depressed as I've been lately, I don't really want to die. I haven't done anything with my life yet. I like to think I'll live for many more years and someday get all these mixed-up feelings I have straightened out.
November 08
God, I feel terrible. I hate those dementors. He's probably hurt and it seems like it's my fault. And I love him.
November 09
I guess that last bit didn't make much sense, did it? Well, see... The first Quidditch game of the season was yesterday and we played Gryffindor. I knew Harry Potter was on that team, and had been for the past few years, yet I had never really seen him. Then when I did... I never believed in love at first sight until then. I can't even begin to describe what I felt at that moment. There's just something so amazing about him, something I can't resist.
But I have to remember that we're going to be playing against each other, so I can't take pity on him out of some foolish love that will never be returned.
A girl named Cho Chang invited me to her birthday tomorrow. I guess I should go get her a present, even though I've never actually met her, and I probably won't even be able to get out of the school. Maybe I can get one of the teachers to go with me. I really hope they arrest Black soon.
November 10
Well, when I first got to the Ravenclaw common room where they were having Cho's birthday party, a bunch of 4th year girls were giggling and looking at me... that makes me so uncomfortable. Later after everyone else left, Cho told me she'd had a crush on me for two years. And I didn't even know her name. Gee. I felt really bad about that, actually... because just yesterday I realized how it felt to love someone who would never love you back. And I didn't want to get her hopes up or anything, so I just went ahead and told her that I was sorry, and I even told her how I felt about Harry, after she promised not to tell anyone. I could tell it hurt her, but she said she understood. I think we'll still be able to be friends. She may be the first friend I've ever had.
November 14
We played Ravenclaw today. I never recognized Cho as their Seeker before. And of course, I had to turn too fast and knock her off her broom, and give her a broken wrist. Why does everyone I care about get hurt? Why does it have to be because of me? I feel so bad about it. I went to see her in the hospital ward a few hours ago, and she said it wasn't my fault, and that she wasn't mad at me. I don't believe that. Well, she should be okay again soon. I'm not going to feel any better for a while though.
November 23
Well, Cho's fine now, thank God. Hmm. I just noticed all I've really written about are the times I'm feeling especially bad. I'm still not ever truly happy, but I'm not depressed all the time, either. So today, on one of my better days, I'm writing something. So if someone reads this someday they won't think my life was completely horrible.
You know something, this isn't exactly a happy OR unhappy thought, but I REALLY don't think I should be allowed in the boys' showers. I don't know, it doesn't seem right. Do normal schools ever do anything about gay students in locker rooms? Hmm. Good thing Harry's not in Hufflepuff. Heh. Just a thought.
November 29
More random thoughts... What's wrong with Professor Lupin? He always seems so tired, and he gets sick an awful lot. About once every month. Does he have some kind of disease or something? I feel sorry for him. I think he's one of the best teachers in the school. Whatever it is, I hope it'll go away eventually.
December 17
Wow, it's been a while. No more terribly interesting things have happened. But... I don't know why, but I'm starting to get homesick. I never have before, so I don't know why now would be different... so tomorrow I'm going home for Christmas break. Cho's going too, so we can take the train there together. It's so nice to have a real friend for once.
December 18
God, Dad always has to embarrass everyone. When he met me at the station, he figured Cho was my girlfriend and started asking her a bunch of questions, and even though she was very polite, I could tell she wanted to get away from him. I explained that she was just my friend, and then she left as fast as she could. He says he just loves Cho and so he's trying to get me to go out with her now. Maybe he'd stop if I told him... but I can't. I don't want to let him down like that... he's always saying, "See, Ced, that's something you'll tell your grandkids someday!" and "Just imagine telling your wife and kids about winning that trophy!" He'd never understand it, because that's just the way he is. I know he loves me, but he doesn't listen. Maybe I shouldn't have come home after all.
December 21
This is usually the day when I think it finally starts to feel like Christmas. I actually had a pretty good time today. I bought some presents for my family and later we all went around and looked at the lights. There's something special to me about Christmas lights. Maybe because I know how much trouble they are for all the Muggles to put up, whereas I could make the entire house glow with just one charm. It's nice to know they work so hard for Christmas. I was one of the wisemen in the Christmas play at church the day before yesterday. I got the myrh. Wait, let me look that up. Oh. Myrrh... isn't that a strange word? I can never remember how to spell it.
Why am I saying any of this? It's not interesting or anything. Well, I guess I just can't sleep. That's how to solve your problems... can't sleep, read about the origins of myrrh. I'm thinking of Harry again. I wonder if he actually likes staying at school over the holidays. It's sad to think that he doesn't have any real family that cares about him. I guess I'm luckier than I realize.
December 24
It's Christmas Eve. I wonder what Harry's doing now. Well, seeing how it's 2 in the morning, he's probably sleeping. I bet he looks really cute when he's sleeping... not that I'll ever see that. Dad's STILL bugging me about Cho. When is he going to give up? Telling him I'm gay would probably be the only way to get him to shut up, but I'm not about to do that. Not yet, anyway. I will after I graduate. Only two more years after this... wow, that's pretty amazing. It doesn't seem like I've been at school that long. What am I going to do with my life after I graduate? I don't even have the slightest idea what kind of job I want. I don't know if I'm going to try to go to college.
Gee, isn't my life so well-thought out? I go back to school on Monday. Maybe... who am I kidding? How is that going to help me any? Close to him, close to homework. Yeah, that'll take off the stress. I need to get some chamomile tea.
December 26
Wow, Christmas actually wasn't that bad. I got some polish for my wand, which was good... It's been looking pretty dirty and dull lately. And, much better than the polish, I got a new broom. Not a Firebolt, but that's okay. I didn't expect that anyway; we don't have that much money. But hey, maybe I'll be able to play as well as Harry someday. He IS better than me, I don't care what my dad says. "You'll never forget that, Ced, you beat HARRY POTTER. The star of the school fell off his broom, but you held on." Good lord, he needs to stop saying all that. But then, he doesn't have any idea how I feel about Harry so he doesn't know I hate it when he says that. And I STILL can't tell him. So I don't expect this to stop any time soon. Why does my life have to be so damn complicated?
Oh well. It's been pretty nice to be home again. I never really realize how much I miss sleeping in my own room when I'm at school. I have to go back tomorrow. The holiday breaks are getting shorter every year... At least I'll get to look at Harry again. Maybe someday I'll even talk to him. That sounds pretty pathetic. Why should that be so hard? Why do all my thoughts always end up on him?
December 31
I actually talked to him! Actually, I just congratulated him on getting such a good replacement for his old broom. But still, I DID talk to him. He just kind of smiled and nodded... I really don't think he likes me, but God, he has a beautiful smile. I must sound like some schoolgirl who just met a famous pop singer or something... But I can't help feeling this way. I can never stop thinking about him. It's so insane, I mean, I've never actually held a conversation with him, I don't even really know him, and yet I love him so much. I wish just once he'd say something to me. Acknowledge my existence.
At eleven today, he's going to be playing against Cho. I wish I could trade places with her to be near him again. Well, I'll still be watching him in the crowd. It's going to be hard picking a team to root for with Harry and Cho... I think I'll just cheer for both and let everyone else glare at me.
January 01
Good lord, I'm tired... The whole Hufflepuff house had a New Year's party last night and I don't think any of us slept at all. I didn't think it was that great. Someone spiked the punch. I was smart enough to stay away from that. There were couples making out on the couches... not really what you'd expect from the "sweet, innocent Hufflepuffs." And all these drunk girls were hitting on me, which was, quite frankly, very frightening. Despite what most people assume, I am NOT the outgoing type that actually enjoys parties. I try to avoid contact with people whenever possible, and still seem friendly at the same time. Awkward.
So basically, it was a wasted night. Next year I'm just going to find a safe, quiet place and go to sleep.
January 03
Shit, we got report cards today. I got a C in Transfiguration! What the hell is wrong with me? I was supposed to be the perfect student. I always had A's in that class before, and suddenly I can't even turn a damn teapot into a maplewood chair! Dad's going to be so angry and disappointed when he finds out... God, I can't take that. And unlike he does to everyone else, he won't yell at me, and that will just make it worse. If he could just yell at me, ground me for five months, and get it over with, I wouldn't mind it quite so much, but he'll just be all calm and say, "I'm not mad at you, Cedric. I'm just disappointed, because I know that as my son, you can do better." And that stings more than anything else he could do. Because I know it's true. I'm not like I used to be. I don't pay attention in class all the time; I'm sidetracked by other things. I didn't do my homework a few times. And this is all fine for someone else, but not for me. I have such high standards... I'm better than what I'm turning into, and... it hurts to think that I'm not even good enough for myself.
January 07
What a day. This morning Gary Alfredino, another 5th year Hufflepuff guy, woke me up, shaking me and saying, "Dude, Cedric, what's wrong, man?" He asked what I had been dreaming about, and said I'd been moaning like I was dying. I said I didn't remember what I had dreamed about (that was a lie). Then I suddenly felt really sick, and I guess it was obvious, because Gary gave me a trash can, which proved to be very useful. That was the first time I'd thrown up since I was 9. Everyone else was awake by then, and they all looked pretty disgusted. Gary asked if I felt any better, and I tried to answer, but I threw up again. He said it was probably the flu, and that I should stay in bed the rest of the day. Then he went and got all my assignments. He's a good friend. I wonder why I never really talked to him before. I mean, he's really popular, and even though he just moved here from America and came to Hogwarts this year, almost everyone knows him.
Well, all day long, girls I've never seen have been coming in and giving me flowers and telling me that they're SO sorry I had to get sick. Good lord, I'm not that sick. I feel like hitting the next one that comes in upside the head with my old broom. I don't know why that annoys me so much, but it does. Aside from that, I've been lying here all day. I'm feeling better now. Just very bored. I keep thinking about that dream I had last night. It was a disturbing little thing about Harry and me, and somehow I don't feel right dreaming things like that. Not about him. He's so innocent, and I'm... I'm not sure what I am. I really do scare myself sometimes. Maybe that's part of what made me sick this morning. I don't know. I guess I should get back to working on the stuff they're doing in Arithmancy today. So... yeah. I'll do that.
January 21
I talked to Professor Lupin after class today. Everyone had been talking about Black all day, and I realized Lupin was probably about the same age as him. When the rest of the class had left, I asked if he had known Black. At first, it looked like he was going to say no, then changed his mind. His expression grew distant, and he looked out the window.
"Sirius Black was one of my closest friends," he said quietly. "In fact, though this is a bad time to admit it, I loved him." He sighed. "For a while, I thought he loved me too..."
I couldn't believe it. "You mean... you loved another man too?" Damn. That made it pretty obvious about me. He blinked and then gave me a sad smile.
"Yes, I did. And I take it you do, too?" I just nodded. "I wish you luck, then," he said as he got his things ready for the next class. "And I want you to know, whoever it is you care about... he's very lucky."
He seems to talk to Harry a lot. I wonder if he'll figure it out. Even if he does, I won't really mind. I trust him. I know he won't tell anyone.
That's really sad though... that the person he loved turned out to be a murderer like that. I hope he finds someone else someday. Someone as wonderful as him doesn't deserve to be alone.
January 27
I'm still not understanding the stuff we're doing in Arithmancy. And get this, Gary's trying to help me with it. That's kind of funny in an ironic sort of way, since he's never gotten anything higher than a C in any class.
And I'm stuck listening to his music too. "Life is short so love the one you've got, 'cause you might get run over or you might get shot..." he sang along with the CD as he braided his hair. Isn't that cheerful? I glared at him, and asked what that was.
He grinned. "Sublime! Heh heh, just wait 'til you get to Caress Me Down!" 3 tracks later, we were there, and that proved to be the most disturbing song I ever heard in my life.
That's going to give me more of those dreams. Poor Harry. Oh well, at least I understand all the Arithmancy stuff now. Whenever Professor Vector explains it, it seems impossible, but Gary makes it really easy to understand. Probably because he doesn't know how to make it complicated.
February 02
What happened today? If I was confused before...
Turns out today was Gary's birthday. I didn't even know it. I told him I was sorry I hadn't gotten him anything. He just kind of smiled and said, "Dude, don't worry about it. I know what you can give me..." And then he leaned over and kissed me. After a second, I pulled away. I asked him what the hell he was thinking. He blinked and asked, "What? Didn't you like it? Didn't you feel anything?" with a cocky grin.
"No! Because, I mean, I admit I think you're really attractive-"
He brushed his long, golden hair out of his violet eyes. "Naturally. Doesn't everyone?" I don't know why I got so mad at him then. Probably because... well, I'd never actually been kissed before that... and I had always wanted it to mean something. I know Harry doesn't like me and I don't think he ever will, but I still feel like that was betraying him somehow. So, I started yelling at him like the idiot I am.
"...but I love someone, it's not you, so no, your damn flirting doesn't mean anything to me. I mean, even if I did, you go around kissing half the students in the school! Yeah, that would make anyone feel special..." God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe myself sometimes.
He frowned for a second, and then laughed quietly. "Yeah. Funny to think that all them want me, and the only one I really care about is the one that doesn't." Then he left.
Shit, I feel bad, but I'm still mad at him. He's such a player, I mean, no one really trusts him as far as relationships go, but...
He actually sounded serious... If he had said something before...
I still wouldn't love him. He's my friend, and that's all. Just like Cho. Come to think of it... I'm so much like him. All those girls falling all over me, and yet Harry's the only person I'll ever love.
I hate myself.
God, why's life always like this? I need to talk to Gary. But can we ever be friends again after that?
February 05
I think Gary hates me now, too. He's acting like he doesn't know me. And he doesn't, really. Cho's trying to talk to him, but that won't help. I bet he'll think I was talking about her when I said there was someone else I loved. And Valentine's Day is coming up. God, I hate that day. I have a feeling this will be the worst one ever. Damn it, I can't wait until this school year's over.
February 14
I was right, Valentine's Day was terrible, just as it always is. I got 268 valentines, and none of them meant anything to me except Cho's. I saw Gary had a huge box full of them too. We were throwing them away at the same time. We just kind of looked at each other and didn't say anything. I don't want it to be like this. I want us to be friends again like we were before. Just a month ago.
I wonder what Harry thinks of Valentine's Day, and if he actually enjoyed it today. I hope he did. I wish I had the courage to tell him, especially today. Maybe next year I'll give him a valentine or something, to see what he does... No, I won't. A year from now, I won't be any different. I still won't be able to say anything.
February 27
Today, Gary and I both screwed up in Potions and had to stay after class to clean up the bubbly pink mess while Snape glared at us. We still hadn't talked to each other since his birthday over three weeks ago. When Snape left to get something, I decided to say something to him, because this was really starting to get annoying.
"Gary, I'm sorry." There. I wasn't really sure what I was apologizing for. For being a stupid bastard, I guess.
He glanced at me, and then turned back to the cauldron he was scrubbing, and said, "For what? Dude, it's my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just been happy with the way things were."
I agreed with that, but didn't say so. I didn't want him to get mad again, so I just nodded. "Well," I said cautiously, "we can still be friends again, can't we? Pretend nothing ever happened?"
He looked back at me. "Cedric, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow." I wasn't sure what to say to that.
"What?"
"It's 'cause of my dad. He's a Muggle, you know, and his job's requiring him to move to Romania, and we have to go with him. He won't even let me finish the school year here. I've always had to move a lot. And I only went here one year. I always lived in America until this year, you know... Had to leave my dog behind when we came here... He was always a good dog, a Labrador retriever... playful thing..." Why did he have to go on like that? It wasn't helping anything.
"So... you'll be going to Durmstrang then."
He nodded. "Yeah, I hope it's not as bad as it sounds. Those rumors about the headmaster there? Say he was a big supporter of You-Know-Who back in the day." He shuddered. "But there's that one student there, Viktor Krum, you know, the player on the Bulgaria Quidditch team. You've got to admit, going to the same school as a star like that would be pretty cool." He gave me a half-smile. "Of course, we do have Harry Potter here," he said with a wink.
I blinked. "Yeah, that's true..."
He frowned. "Aw, come on man, you don't have to pretend you don't like him." I stared at him.
"How long have you known?"
"Since I heard you say 'I love you, Harry' in your sleep last week." I had said that out loud? Who knows what else I've said without knowing...
"Oh." I felt pretty dumb, and I didn't really have a response to that. We both finished cleaning and set the now shining cauldrons back on the desks.
"It's okay," he said. "I understand..." he paused. "I wish I could have known you longer... I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you, too." I hesitated for a moment, and then held out my hand. "...Friends?"
He smiled and shook it. "Yep, friends." We hugged each other just as Snape walked back in. He sneered at us and muttered, "Revolting..."
We grinned and left together.
I'm really sad that Gary's leaving, but it's good to know we're friends again, and that when we look back on our days here, our memories of each other won't be bitter.
March 14
I've never had so much homework. We've had essays and all kinds of practice stuff every night for the past two weeks, and it doesn't seem like the teachers will be letting up on us any time soon, so I don't think I'll be writing much.
Gary's gone now. Maybe it's better this way. We'll have to get a new Chaser for our team next year. Speaking of Quidditch, the final game is coming up in a few weeks. It's Gryffindor against Slytherin. I bet you can guess who I'm going to be rooting for. I know Harry can win this one.
Heh, I just found the beginning of that essay on werewolves Snape was trying to get us to write. Good thing Lupin didn't make us finish that. What was the point anyway? Well, now that I'm thinking of Snape's pointless essays, I have to get back to writing yet another one. This time it's comparing and contrasting the varieties of poisonous nightshade from which we get substances important to many potions. Shouldn't this be in herbology? Geez... Well, let's see... all plants in the nightshade family bear flowers with five petals, five sepals, and five stamens, and a single pistol that ripens into a berry in most species... Belladonna, jimsonweed, and henbane... This could take a while.
March 29
Snape gave me a C on my nightshade essay, and that was one of the best papers I've ever written! Even if it was a boring topic. Then again, only his precious Slytherins got higher than a B. They really shouldn't allow someone like him to teach, not when he favors the students from his own house over all the rest. And now I have to write yet ANOTHER of his damned essays tonight, on the chemical and magical properties of gillyweed. Why does that even matter? Someone needs to shove that stuff up his a
March 30
I was writing that last bit in my notebook at lunch yesterday, when Snape suddenly appeared behind me and snatched it away. He gave it back, but automatically dropped my grade on the nightshade essay to an F, and did the same with the next two. Which haven't even been assigned yet. I also have to write a 3000 word essay on why I should respect my teachers. Plus, I have to clean every flask and bottle and cauldron without using magic every day for the next month.
I think I'll just refrain from insulting him too much in writing. But you can bet I'll be thinking it.
April 10
Yes! Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup! That was a great game, too. Flint, the captain of the Slytherin team, flew into a girl from Gryffindor and almost knocked her off her broom. Then one of Gryffindor's Beaters smashed his club into Flint's head. Each team got a penalty shot. Things like that happened all throughout the game. When Harry was about to grab the Snitch, that little brat Draco Malfoy held his broom back so he couldn't reach it.
It didn't really matter though, because in the end, Harry managed to get the Snitch before Malfoy, and they won the Cup. The crowd of Gryffindor-supporters ran out onto the field, lifting the members of the team onto their shoulders, and I don't think Harry noticed it was me carrying him. I was so proud of him. Nothing will ever beat that smile that was on his face as he lifted up the Cup.
May 14
Thank God, exams are finally over. I've been studying for them every spare minute of my life for the past month. The Care of Magical Creatures exam was the easiest one ever. I think it does help that my dad works for the Department for the Regulation and Control of them, though. I probably know stuff others don't. I probably did really bad on the Potions one. Mine had sort of an orange tint to it. He'll take points off for that. And of course, he still hates me after what I wrote before. Heh, I don't take it back, though. I hope Harry did well on his exams, and I know Snape hates him even more than me, so he'll probably have a grade that's just as bad, if not worse.
So now that exams are over... there's only a few weeks of school left. Soon I'll be going home and listening to my dad going on about how I ought to marry Cho.
May 27
Not much to say, but I got a letter from Gary today. He says it's not too bad there, but the guy named Karkaroff really IS evil. He's met Krum, and he seems to idolize him now, especially since Bulgaria's made it to the Quidditch World Cup, and Krum plays for them. Gary's trying to get his dad to let him go see the World Cup, but he doesn't think they'll be able to afford it, because they'd have to get plane tickets to come all the way back over here. He said that even though they probably wouldn't make it, we'll still see each other again someday. I like to think so.
June 4
Everyone else is at Hogsmeade now, but I didn't really want to go. I didn't have any money to buy anything, anyway.
Last night, they had finally captured Black, but he escaped somehow. I'm starting to wonder if they'll ever catch him. Around noon, I went to talk to Professor Lupin one more time. I had just found out that he was resigning, and that he was actually a werewolf. Hey, maybe that's why Snape made us write that essay...
Well, anyway, Lupin had just started packing his things when I got to his office.
"You're leaving," I observed in a spur of brilliance.
He nodded. "No one is going to feel safe having a werewolf at the school, you know."
"But you never hurt anyone!" I protested.
"No," he agreed, "but last night, I came very close to it, and now I realize that I can't risk that happening."
"I guess that's true..." I paused. "What do you think about Black escaping again?"
He hesitated, and then, with a small smile, said, "Truly, there is a part of me which is glad he's still free..." He put a pile of papers into his suitcase. "When do you plan on telling Harry?" I knew he had figured it out.
I shrugged. "Next year, I guess... You know him. Do you think he'd laugh at me if I told him?"
He shook his head slowly. "No, I don't think he would. I think he'd listen to whatever you had to say." He glanced down at a parchment on his desk.
"Thanks," I said. "You know... you're the best teacher we've ever had here."
He smiled. "And you've been an excellent student. It's been a joy knowing you."
As I left, I noticed Harry and his friends coming down the hall. They were probably going to say goodbye to Professor Lupin, too.
I wish he didn't have to leave, but he's right, he could hurt someone without meaning to. I wonder what he'll do now, and if I'll ever see him again. I hope so.
June 25
I'm on the Hogwarts Express. In a few hours, I'll be home. Oh, Cho's here, too. She's reading everything I'm writing right now. Stop reading this, Cho. Heh, okay.
A lot happened this year... for the first time in my life, I've had real friends, Cho and Gary. I had the best teacher ever. And I love Harry. He's on the train, too, a few rows in front of us. Stop smirking at me, Cho. Yes, I'm talking to you.
Anyway, I'm actually beginning to understand my own thoughts and feelings now, and it's about time. I've gotten my grades back up, I did pretty well on my exams... This year wasn't as bad as it seemed at times. And I'm not as happy to see it end as I thought I'd be. In fact, I'm looking forward to next year.
And look, this is the last page left in this notebook. I used up most of the pages in here for Snape's damn assignments. Well, I guess that doesn't matter. The tea cart's here, and I'm going to get some chocolate frogs.
And so concludes my 5th year.