TV & Movies: Gone Rum

James & Saraman; 2004

"Hullo!" said Barret, reeling in a rotten banana peel. "I caught a fish!" He took a big bite. However, right then, Sméagol took the fish.

"We only wish to catch a fish, so—" Sméagol crooned, suddenly stopping himself. "This isn't a crunchable fish!" Sméagol gnashed his teeth so hard, he tackled Barret.

"No!" he cried. "My precious! It's my nickel! I found it first!"

"No," disagreed Charlie. "It's mine. I found it first!"

"No, you didn't!" said Roscoe.

"Yes, I did!" insisted Charlie.

"Why don't we just split the nickel?" suggested Charlie.

"But," said Roscoe, "that's too hard!"

"No, no, no!" said Charlie. "I meant take it to the store and get some pennies!" Therefore, Legolas hurriedly raced to the store. When he got to the front counter, he was puzzled because the clerk said, "Make like Smokumoakum!" Therefore, Charlie, Sayid, and Sawyer all ran through the tropical rain forest after a feral boar, hollering like a pack of Wild Men.

"Rarr!" growled the boar. "I am Zebra. Fear me now!"

Then, William Wallace came out of hiding and lobbed the Zebra out of the building onto Longshanks. Then, he set the fields on fire, mooned the British, and shot many people in the butt, all the while shouting, "Freedom!"

"Freedom at last," said Ben and Timmy. "Ahh! It burns! The sun burns! Run for your lives! Treebeard's gone nuts! The sun is crashing down on us!" Once they thought that it stopped, one of the massive boulders toppled down upon Roscoe and crushed him beyond repair.

"Hurray!" yelled the crowd. "The bad thing is gone!"

"He was a hopper!" yelled Captain Aubrey. "But now he's departed."

"Huzzah! Huzzah!" cheered the crew.

"The giant blind serpents are dead!" said Odysseus. "And now we can go down the waterfall!" They went crashing down the waterfall, despite Sayid's desperate attempts to rescue them. Then, the fat guy died and we cried because we liked the fat guy because he was the best character in the whole movie because he was funny and he got turned into a pig by Circe but it really wasn't that great of a movie anyway; not even as good as 300.

El Fin