Warnings: Slash/Shounen ai, AU, cross-dressing, crack!fic
Pairings: possibly implied Sasuke/Naruto, possibly implied other-male-characters/Naruto
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.
Summary: Sasuke, despite years of cruel training under Orochimaru, is no match for fanservice!Naruto. (With a bonus scene)
A/N: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.
::K.O.! White Satin Panties::
The fight—this epic battle/reunion between friends torn apart by betrayal, hubris and adolescent stupidity—is decided as soon as Uzumaki Naruto lets the black cloak slip from his shoulders. As the heavy, dark cloth parts and falls away, Uchiha Sasuke freezes; then he pales, gaps, and finally flushes a bright, bright vermillion. Language dies on his shocked tongue, words aborted in their inarticulate infancy. Naruto points a dramatically nonchalant finger at him, mouth a feral slash of painted crimson.
"I'm going to take you back, even if I have to break every bone in your body, bastard," Naruto says, kicking away the dropped cloak with one shiny, black patent leather Mary Jane. Fathomless jet eyes travel from those whimsically adorned feet, up slimly muscled legs encased in sheer white thigh-highs, pausing at the black-and-white organdy garter bands that, on the right leg, also hold up a shuriken holster, then to the full black skirt and its froth of snow-white petticoats beneath, up to the trim waist tightly cinched with the wide sash of a lacey apron—also white—and up again to the flat chest and the form fitting bodice of the—no, the eyes do not fool—maid's outfit. The short puffed sleeves with their lace cuffs and the jaunty little cap on the blond's head complete the outfit—or so it seems.
Sasuke will discover, soon enough, the coup de grace.
Naruto launches the first attack with a savage grin, the scars on his cheeks darkening as red fire spills across his lapis lazuli eyes. The raven-haired traitor blocks the first strike with his left forearm and then slices in with his right fist, aiming for the soft tissues and unprotected organs of the other boy's abdomen. Block. Punch. Block.
Twisting away, the blond pulls out a kunai wrapped in an exploding tag from the apron's pocket, and this is incongruous enough to make Sasuke pause at the absurdity. But only for a moment.
Dodge.
An explosion of bark and dirt rains down upon them as the kunai screams past Sasuke and strikes the base of a tree behind him. He returns the favor, with interest.
Countless heartbeats and panted breaths later, the woods around them have been permanently re-landscaped with deep craters and great swathes of immolated flora. Singed and dirty, Naruto crouches down at the edge of one of the smaller craters with a kunai clenched between his teeth and a determined look in his eye. There are runs and holes in his stockings, the white of his apron and sleeve cuffs are stained with splashes of deep scarlet, and his shoes are scuffed and covered in the dust and ash of battle.
But he has one last trick up his sleeve, and it's a killer.
"Ready or not, Sasuke," he sings out around the weapon in his mouth.
"I'm always ready," the dark-haired boy sneers in return from the other side of the crater, the first level of the curse seal already burning across his pale flesh.
He isn't ready for this, though; Naruto can tell the moment Sasuke's eyes widen as the blond launches himself across the distance and then contorts midair to deliver a brutal kick to the traitor's face. The skirt flares up. Sasuke looks. Naruto connects. Impact. Sasuke flies backwards into a tree with a spray of brilliant blood. Thump. Slump. Collapse.
Harsh breaths searing his straining lungs, Naruto lands awkwardly on the battle-pounded dirt. Is this it? Did he get him? Molten chakra crawling beneath his skin, he limps over to his former-companion's fallen form. Is this a trick to get his guard down?
"Oi, give up?"
Silence.
There's no response when he gingerly kicks at one of Sasuke's out-splayed legs—so, being the kind of person he is, he kicks it harder. Then harder again and again and again. Still nothing. Chortling despite the exhaustion clinging to his extremities, the blond bends down and carefully dabs at the still-dribbling stream of blood from Sasuke's nose.
Heh. The panties always get them in the end: Kiba, Lee, Neiji, even Gaara that one time, and now Sasuke. Yep, nobody can defeat the white satin panties.
"Sasuke-pervert. Sasuke-pervert," Naruto hums as he reaches down and, with a great amount of difficulty as dead weight is never easy to carry, manages to haul the raven-haired traitor over his bruised and bleeding shoulder. He can't wait to tell everyone this back in Konoha. He's got another pervert to add to his growing list.
As he makes his weary way back home—stopping every now and then to check for pursuers and to set traps and diversions if any happen to come along—he idly wonders if other types of panties have the same effect. Hmm, he'll just have to try and see.
Bonus Scene
Naruto walks into the hospital room to find that it takes seven ANBU guards, three nurses, two doctors and Tsunade-baachan to hold down an irate and enraged Uchiha Sasuke, newly returned—forcefully—to Konoha, upon the loudly protesting hospital bed. The raven-haired bastard is making it quite clear that he has no desire to be here and, if he gets the chance, he will kill every single one of them who are currently restraining him. Wild currents of dark chakra whip around the room, battering against all those inside the enclosed pace. So much for recovery and then interrogation. Sasuke's finally woken up from that tree-induced, also Naruto-induced, coma, and all he wants is to go back to that fucking snake.
With a sigh the blond bends down to pick up a pillow that has escaped the kerfuffle on the bed—most likely flung away at some point—and currently rests next to the sink by the door. A sudden stillness descends upon the room. Still bent over, Naruto turns his head to throw an inquiring glance over his cotton-clad shoulder. Sasuke and several of the other males—Naruto assumes that those ANBU looking at him are male, but its hard to tell with the masks and the vests—are staring at his ass.
Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that they're staring at his ass because his short nurse's uniform has ridden up, thereby exposing his pink silk clad bottom, the scallop-lace tops of his opaque white thigh-thighs, and the pink straps of his garter belt that hold up the thigh-highs. Tsunade, taking advantage of her victim's sudden stillness, quickly grabs the hypodermic needle from one of the enraptured doctors' hand and plunges it into Sasuke's arm. Naruto straightens up, tugs the uniform's skirt down while clutching the pillow in his other hand, and watches the fucking-hard-to-find bastard slip into drugged unconsciousness. The other people in the room snap back into belated action. With almost vicious efficiency the nurses and the doctors begin to hook the Uchiha up to several noisy monitoring machines and take various invasive measurements of bodily health. The ANBU disperse to their respective strategic positions about the room and outside of it.
"I told you to stay away, brat," the Hokage says with an exasperated growl as she tosses the needle onto a nearby tray medical implements. "No visitors until after the trial."
"I had to make sure all my hard work in getting him back wasn't going to go to waste," he replies with an audacious smile. "I didn't bring him back so he could be executed."
"We'll see what the Council decides, though I doubt they're willing to kill off the last viable member of the Uchiha clan. However, I will not allow him to get just a slap on the wrist—and if he actively tries to leave again…"
Naruto acknowledges her piercing look with a quick nod. Yeah, he knows; he knows what will have to happen if the stupid jerk tries to leave Konoha again without permission. This is Sasuke's one and only chance, and Naruto is not going to let him waste it. He promised Sakura and he promised himself, his pride, and everything in him that makes him a shinobi: he will drag his best friend out of the darkness by his little toes if he has to.
"Oh, and brat, return that uniform to the nurses. You can't go around stealing stuff from the supply closet."
He sticks his pink tongue out and lobs the pillow at her, only to find it flung back into his face. The nurses and doctors watch their exchange with bemused glances.
"Hah! Ero-sennin made this for me, so nyah!"
End
Alternate Summary: Final showdowns between former friends are best when one of them is in a dress. (The author felt this sounded too facetious, not that this story isn't a bit tongue-in-cheek anyways. Zie hopes that zir sense of humor will not be taken amiss by zir incredibly astute and intellectually superior readers. Yes, the author does refer to zirself in gender neutral terms; several years studying queer theory and transgressive gender theory will do that to anyone. /smile/)