Author's Notes:
Followup to "Do You Ever Just Want To Give Up?", though it isn't necessary to read it first. This stands alone.
Emma and Regina started getting chatty again after being quiet for quite a while. It was a peaceful time, but I'm glad they're back. This wasn't really supposed to be a series, just me getting thoughts out of my head, but I see a couple more of these moments popping up so here we are.
Labeled as SwanQueen because their relationship, whatever it is, IS the story. But no sexytimes because my awkward is legendary.
Emma felt the cushion next to her shift and vaguely recognized that Regina was getting up. She might have also said something, but Emma wasn't really sure. She was only a few precious levels from beating Henry's high score on the most irritating video game ever and thus claiming eternal bragging rights and she could focus on nothing else. She mashed on the controller buttons viciously and let out little 'Woops!' of satisfaction each time another level passed.
It all came crashing down on one of the last levels and with a groan of disappointment she waited for the final tally to show on the screen. When it barely nudged Henry to the number two spot she shouted her joy and turned to accept well deserved praise.
Except Regina wasn't there and Emma only vaguely recalled her leaving. But that had been a number of levels ago. Hadn't she said something about making sandwiches? Regina could make those in her sleep; it barely took her any time at all. What the hell?
Emma grabbed the remote and muted the TV as she padded towards the kitchen. She poked her head in and saw two sandwiches sitting lonely on the table, but no Regina. A similar perusal of Regina's office and the library yielded no sign of the woman and Emma headed upstairs, a gentle frown settling on her features.
Emma noticed the master bedroom door slightly ajar with a gentle light spilling past the jamb and she poked her head in hesitantly. She and Regina were friends, probably even more than than that in some sort of indefinable way, but barging into her bedroom was definitely taking liberties. But the gentle worry in her gut overrode her sense of decorum, and with her small glimpse into the room she saw her friend standing in front of her bureau mirror.
The gentle worry blossomed into something more as Emma took in Regina's pensive countenance and furrowed brow. The two had been getting closer lately and one of the first things Emma had learned was how quickly guilt and regret could consume the brunette, sometimes triggered by nothing at all.
Concerned that something along those lines was happening now, for whatever reason, Emma entered the bedroom and walked up behind her so they were both visible in the mirror. It took a while, but eventually Regina's eyes tracked to hers in the reflective surface and Emma knew with certainty that Regina's thoughts were headed in a dark direction. Maybe they were already there.
Regina looked so alone in that moment that Emma slipped her arms around her waist and settled her head gently on Regina's shoulder. She tensed, as Emma knew she would, but then relaxed back into the undemanding embrace and sighed. Their eyes were still locked in the mirror and when Regina spoke, she was speaking to Emma's reflection. "You're so beautiful."
Emma's blush was immediate and seeing it happen to her in the mirror made it deepen ten-fold. She ducked her head slightly so she was hiding slightly behind Regina's hair and tried to shield her eyes from the reflection and allow her to gain her composure. Despite her embarrassment, though, the compliment pleased her greatly. Emma did know that she was an attractive woman, but the circumstance of her life meant that it wasn't something that she heard often, and certainly never from someone whose opinion she valued.
And somewhere along the way Regina's opinion had become very important to her, as had her well being.
That thought flitted into her mind out of nowhere and she felt herself float back from the little high she'd been riding from the unexpected compliment. She straightened her head and met her companion's reflected gaze once again, slightly sheepish that she was thrown off course so easily.
Her blush faded.
Regina's small smile was indulgent but her eyes were still sad as she patted Emma's hands still linked around her midsection. "Please don't be embarrassed. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm not. Uncomfortable I mean." Emma let her eyes drift over the other reflection in the mirror. "It's just, well, not something you hear a lot I guess. And from you..." Emma jutted her chin slightly towards Regina's side of the mirror. "Someone as beautiful as you. It was just nice."
Regina dropped her hands and Emma felt her try to pull away. Emma wouldn't hold her there against her will, nor could she if it really came down to it, but she offered resistance against Regina's attempt at distance and after a second she felt the brunette give up. But she did drop her eyes from their connected gaze.
"Emma, that's not…"
Emma waited for her to continue but nothing followed. It seemed too important to ignore though so Emma nudged her a bit. "Not what?"
She felt Regina straighten slightly and knew that she was steeling herself for a conversation she didn't want to have. Emma worried briefly that she was somehow pushing too hard but she knew deep down that she wasn't. This was something Regina needed, even if it hurt. And the important things usually did.
"That's not true. My body is desirable and my face is pretty but my soul is ruined and ugly. I haven't been beautiful for a long time." Regina blinked, and then brought her gazed back to Emma's reflection, meeting her gaze hesitantly. "If I ever was at all."
The words were cruel and felt like a physical blow but Emma made sure she didn't react. If someone had said those things about Regina she surely would have decked them, but when someone says them about herself, it just isn't an option. Instead she held Regina's gaze firmly, but gently. The pain in the brunette's eyes softened her even more and suddenly Emma felt tears cloud her sight. She didn't let them fall but it was a struggle.
"Before, when you said I was beautiful, that's not something I can see in myself. But standing here, with you, I saw myself through your eyes, and I saw the beauty you were seeing and it was wonderful." She tightened her embrace until she was hugging Regina against her tightly. "You need to see yourself the way I do. You need to see what I see."
Regina's voice came out as no more than a whisper. "What could you possibly see?"
The words just flowed from her; Regina had become the center of this new family she was making for herself and Emma knew her better than she knew herself. "I see a beautiful soul that tried to protect itself from cruel people in a cruel world and lost it's way. I see a woman who just wants a little bit of peace even though she isn't sure she deserves it. I see a heart broken so many times that it isn't sure how to love again without fear."
Emma took a breath and managed to tighten her hold even more. "That is what I see and none of it is ugly or broken. It's your struggle and it's you and it's beautiful."
The woman in her arms stayed quiet and Emma was patient, even though it went against her nature. She just leaned her head against Regina's and waited for her to sort through everything that Emma had just thrown at her. After ages, the brown eyes closed but still she said nothing.
Emma couldn't contain herself any longer. "Can you see that?"
Regina shook her head no immediately. "No, I can't. Not really. But I can see that you do, and that's more than I've ever had before."
It wasn't the answer that Emma was hoping for but it was certainly a place to start. "Maybe someday?"
Regina took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Maybe someday."
End Notes:
Honestly you guys, I still can't believe I'm actually posting these things because I've never considered story telling a skill of mine. But the thoughts just don't quit until I put them out there. Feel free to comment if you're so inclined, but this is really the best I'm going to be able to muster.